TFMR 21 weeks - help!!

[AS60]

Hello everyone,

At our 20-week scan, which we had at 21 weeks, we received some heart-wrenching news. Our baby has been diagnosed with significant abnormalities in their brain and heart.
After talking with two different specialists, we've been told that the chances of our baby's survival after birth are very low. We don't want our baby to suffer so we've decided to have a termination. The decision is breaking our hearts, we tried for our baby for more than 2 years and is an immensely loved and desired baby. I just don't know how we will be able to handle it.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on the practical aspects of what's ahead, setting my emotions aside for the moment because it feels like the only way I can do what's best for my baby. I've always coped better by arming myself with information, so I'm seeking to understand every aspect of the upcoming process.

My main concern is the impact of the drugs used to induce birth at this stage of pregnancy can have on my fertility in the future. If anyone here has gone through a similar experience or has knowledge about the medications and processes involved in a termination at this stage of pregnancy, your insights would be invaluable. Understanding what to expect physically, how the medications are administered, and the dosages required would be immensely helpful.

This is an incredibly tough journey, and I'm grateful for any shared experiences or knowledge. Thank you for providing a space where I can seek support and information during this challenging time

Evening hun. I haven’t experienced this but I’m currently 17+2 and waiting on some test results
Ive been directed to the following website by some lovely women on here and it may help you

https://www.arc-uk.org/

Sending love and prayers to you all x

I’m so sorry OP. This happened to me a year ago however I had a different type of termination so I can’t help much with your specific question but there is a MN thread with many of us who have been through the same and might be able to help answer your questions.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I will post a link below.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/conception/4705967-anyone-else-ttc-after-tfmr?reply=132891294

Also as PP said ARC are very good

Thank you for your response I genuinely hope the results you're waiting for are good news.

I'll have a look at the website. Thanks again.

Thank you! I'm so sorry you had to go through this too.

Thank you for sharing that thread, it has lots of information.

I'm so sorry you're facing this.

I too went through similar but a little earlier, at 16 weeks.

The short version is that I gave birth in hospital and was able to hold and spend time with my baby afterwards.

I was induced orally and labour started very quickly, it caught me off guard, it started with maybe 15 mins of taking a tablet. I remember being violently sick so don't advise eating too much before. Labour lasted about 5 hours and I was given morphine as pain relief. This is because, in the kindest terms, whatever you take won't impact the health of your baby.

Just before I delivered all pain stopped and I got up to in to the toilet and I delivered the baby myself in the toilet. They did warn me this could happen so towards the end if I felt I had to go then to use one of those cardboard inserts over the toilet, just in case. It still came as a shock as I wasn't expecting it. And then everyone came rushing in to assist.

I felt 'fine' after leaving hospital and 'just got on with things' but it hit me days after. You are full of hormones, and your body has given birth yet there's no baby. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't ok for a long long time after. Be kind to yourself and take the time to grieve. To be honest it took me years to begin to feel a little bit like my old self and there will forever be the old you and the new you, but I'm delighted to say I was lucky enough to have a healthy 'rainbow baby' two years later. Without that baby I'm not sure I would ever have been able to fully process it all. I had absolutely no problems conceiving but was terrified throughout the whole of my second pregnancy. Thankfully all turned out ok.

I did meet another woman who went through very similar to me but at 21 weeks. At that gestation they used a needle to inject something into the baby's heart before delivery. It's something that, perhaps due to a language barrier she didn't fully understand and her baby was born with a visible injection mark and she really went on to struggle with the guilt over that added part.

I'm here if you want to ask anything.

Also consider if you'd like hand and footprints and look up memory boxes. Your hospital may very well provide all of this. Mine did. They also helped me arrange the funeral. I didn't realise TMFR babies had funerals but they do. It helped massively to hold my baby to say goodbye. I was initially terrified of what the baby would look like but at 16 weeks, he was literally a beautiful little baby, except a poorly one.

Take lots of photos. It will be a blur and the more memories you have the easier it is to process, or so I found. Also don't save your name for when you might have a healthy child. This is also your very longed for baby and you'll want to talk about them and use their name.

Thinking of you at this incredibly difficult time. x

Hi @TimeToStopLurking so sorry you find yourself in this position it truly is an awful time. I went through my TFMR nearly 4 weeks ago at 26+4 weeks so it may be similar to what you are going to go through so I hope this is of some help. I don’t think with medical TFMR it medically has any impact on your fertility that I am aware f anyway. I am sure you are already aware of the first stage of the process with putting your baby to sleep I was given a very very strong dose of morphine in my leg to get me through this and without it I don’t think I would have coped and then less than 48 hours later I was in a private room in hospital on the delivery ward receiving the next set of medication vaginally for the next stage of induction, my labour started pretty quickly within an hour my contractions began I won’t lie the pain was intense but in some way I didn’t mind as I wanted to feel it all I got some more morphine in my leg and tried gas and air for me it only lasted about 6 hours and I delivered my daughter on the bed but I think delivery in the toilet is also common everytime I went to the toilet there was a toilet pan. After she was delivered I was lucky the placenta fully came out and we chose to hold her for hours after, we named her and read to her and the midwives took photos, foot and hand prints and we got a memory box. We then had to plan her little funeral service and we got to spend more time with her in the funeral home this isn’t for everyone but it helped us. I am sorry for what you are going through and please if you have any questions let me know and I hope it goes as ok as it can x

@TimeToStopLurking @Pickled24 thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your experiences. I needed to read read people stories and not only what the doctors explained to me.

Wow just read some of the comments and don’t feel so lonely now 💔
I will be 20 weeks and will be going through a TFMR this week and I’m very scared 😥

Hi @AS60 and also to @diamonds2023 - I had a medical TFMR much earlier, at 14 weeks. I had the drugs orally and they took quite a long time to work for me but eventually I had our son and we were able to spend some time with him. No one ever mentioned anything to me about the drugs affecting my fertility. I was in shock for a good while afterwards but then had Petals counselling which was hugely helpful.

I am so so sorry for you both. As others have said Arc is a good resource. Ask for all the resources possible from your midwives.

Sending love and strength.