cut off my nose to spite my face?

[Tinkerisdead]

Right this is so jumping the gun but I think thats why its got me rattled to be honest. Im 6 weeks pregnant and my mum has declared that she will do me a deal.. she will come and stay when I have this first baby! (hmmm im sure ive seen this on a friends episode).

Im hormonal and its annoyed me for a few reasons but I wanted people who have been there to tell me whether I should accept wholeheartedly.

She lives more than 60 miles away and my inlaws are on the doorstep which annoys her. I think she wants to stay to get her foot in the door before them literally. But in my head i had this ideal of me DH and the DC all coming home and learning together, not with a matriachal figure standing over. Now I know she means well and she would be a help but even the thought is intrusive to the bubble I had created in my head.

So help, is it an unrealsitic idillic dream to be just us three or should i truly take up the offer. the other thing is that if she is here surely the inlaws will see it as a green light to be round all the time too! eek 8 months to go and already other people are making be stressed out!

well - depends on what shes like

but i could have really done with the help after dh went back to work. have the first two weeks just the 2 of you getting to know the baby...
second time around i'm deffo having mum to stay to help out from week 3 onwards

Pre-dd I felt the same as you. After she was born I was incapable of doing anything and just wanted someone there to help! My mum told me that she had been waiting for me to ask for help as she didn't want to intrude too much - as soon as I asked I saw her every day and it was wonderful! As I became more confident I needed her less but we still do loads more together than we did before dd was born.

It's lovely your mother is so keen and wanting to be involved, I'm a bit envious , but I can see your point, it's all starting a bit early! Maybe get her to do a quick visit when dc is born so she can get her first cuddles in (and, who knows, she might be of help) and then book her in to stay once dh's paternity leave finishes, that way you can prolong the support for that bit longer & adult company is nice.

she is well meaning but sometimes judgemental. She is desperate for a grandchild and I know that she is worried about being pushed out by the inlaws as they are on hand. its her first grandchild and their second so she is already making comments like "but they already have one".

I said it would be better if she came to stay when DH went back to work after two weeks but it turned into "what you want is for your mum to sort the house and for you to to learn to be a mummy and daddy" and i wanted to say no, i wanna say screw the house and nest together!

The other thing is that my DH is petrified around babies and has already said hes scared of people watching over him. ive reassured him that he can learn in the privacy of his own home and i dont want my mum clucking round him putting him off. This will be special for us both. However having not been there i dont know whether i will be begging for her to help. and if she doesnt stay, how do i accomodate her even visiting? i cant believe im even worrying about this already. how come mothers know just how to press your buttons even when your a grown woman!

my mum offered with my first born. she lives 70 miles away and at the time in laws just round corner. i also had a ideal picture in my head and it was just me, dh and ds. so i said no and don't regret it for one minute. but it does depend on what your mum is like - a weekend spent with mine has me wanting to kill her. she haS always had a tendency to take over and she knows whats best iykwim. good luck with your decision.

Really depends on your relationship/how she'll fit in to your household. Personally, all I wanted was time for us, as a new family. I didn't want someone who knew what they were doing showing me up all the time

Personally, I'd maybe say you want to play it a bit by ear - say you're not sure how you'll feel, and that you might want some space - or for her to help out a bit after the birth (when you're feeling more confident & settled) You could play the line that your dh will be around straight after the birth & that you think the extra help will be more useful once he's back at work...

Can she stay in a hotel? DM stayed in the travel lodge so she could give us space if we needed it. (In the end I was in hospital for the whole week so it was immaterial!!)
This time DH is going back to work straight away and taking time off after 3weeks. He hates newborns and we want him around when the novelty wears off for DS. If your husband's scared might this way round work?

mum2jakeyroo if your mum was 70 miles away what did she do about initial visits etc. My mum can be overbearing and i can envisage "well im here now i may as well stay its such a long journey blah blah"

I would def love her to stay once DH is back at work, she is fierce enough to see off the inlaws if anything else!

Sorry, x-post.
Having read your later post about dh, I'd defn feel more strongly about putting her off - I think that its really easy for the menfolk to be pushed out in the first few weeks, & it sounds like it'll make it even worse for him.
Plus (without judging your mum) it sounds like she's:
a) not really listening to you (so will she listen to you when you say you want some space now, could she pop out & get you some food?)
b) is uber-excited about this baby (which is lovely of course) - is she really going to prioritise hoovering over cooing??

She lives 60 miles away you say? That's not too far for a day visit is it? Or is there a local hotel?

That 'judgemental' word worries me too - will she be able to keep quiet when the 'latest guidelines' or your judgement goes against her opinions?

I'm 18 weeks, and after asking my mum if she'd like to be at the birth as well as DP, she then also offered to come and stay or pop in and help in the first few weeks, and also maybe just before I have the baby as well.
I'm really close to my mum and see no problem with this, however she lives locally and so it's been easier to be non-committal about the coming to stay thing. I know it will be hard work when the baby arrives and I'll need all the help I can get, but I'm trying to bear in mind that I just don't know how I'll feel exactly. I might crave my own space, or time alone with DP.

So, is it possible for you to be grateful but also non-committal until the baby is actually there? Or will she need to take time off work etc.. If you call her in tears saying you need help, will she just drop things and come and stay with you? Because I think if I was in your situation that's the kind of promise I'd really love - that they'll be there if you need them.

At the end of the day, it really depends on your mum, how close you are etc. If you don't get on so well with the in-laws but don't feel that your bloke will be good as a gatekeeper (i.e, knowing when you need to be alone as a family and politely telling them now's not a good time!) your mum might be ideal in this role. I'm already counting on mine for that! She's on my side, if you see what I mean, so she won't let MIL upset me or anything like that
Good luck!

It would also be good for your dh to bond with baby throw him in at the deep end for the first 2 weeks and then he will come to have a whole new appreciation for his MIL when she comes to give you both a break weeks 3 & 4 when tiredness has set in.

funny haha, you is very oerceptive my friend. you must have met her. She is well meaning and nope i know she will be cooing. she doesnt really do sympathy, she's really practical and a realist and I think DH will get annoyed. She could visit in a day i think and yes she could stay in a hotel, whether she would listen as you say is another thing! I think im rattled because i feel pressured into making a decision before i've even had my first scan! I want DH to feel settled in his new role and not like a bystander to me and my mum. With all the will in the world with her help, i know that DH would like to be able to do the washing or the cooking for himself as its the only way he can show me "support" in his own way. arrrrgghhhhh I'm so annoyed to even be thinking of this right now! hormones do not help, coupled with tiredness and insomnia I just dont need hypotheticals!

we were in hospital for 3 days. she came up to visit every day while in hospital. when we got home she came up at weekends to visit. she offered many times to come and stop but i politely declined. i loved being a mother and didn't want her questioning what i did. my dh took paternity when ds was 4 weeks old. but i loved those first few weeks on our own.

thank you though the advice here has been great to calm me down. i will stay non committal and tell her i will see how i feel. i wish i lived far from the in laws too then my probs would be over, we could hole up on our own and have the occasional visitor. do any of you have a standby spare room for me and a newborn in mid nov for when i flee the lot of them?

Or be Angleina Jolie and give birth in Namibia?

If your dream is just the three of you for the first couple of weeks tell her, if she sulks its her problem. This is a precious time for you don't let anyone spoil it. Sometimes in life you just have to upset people to stop them upsetting you.

also had many disagreements over various new guidelines. and comments like the ' are you sure he needs feeding, he only fed 2 hours ago. you used to go 4 hours' i was breastfeeding and he was only 3 weeks old.

I know the type

Ok, brass tacks - it sounds like having your mum there is almost guarenteed to make your dh's life harder. I think (personally) that having your dh happy in the first few weeks has got to be most important. Again, personally, what I needed in the first few weeks was
a) privacy - breastfeeding is often a messy business to start with!
b)No pressure to be 'managing' - to eat fish & chips 4 nights in a row if I didn't fancy cooking, and sit in my pjs
c)lots and LOTS of emotional support - and for someone who was going through it with me.

What I didn't need was clean floors, and ironed clothes

EG I have lovely memories of sitting in my comfy breastfeeding chair for hours with ds, both of us pretty much naked and snuggled in a bathrobe. The feeling of his little body sleeping peacefully on my tummy - bliss I wouldn't have done that with my mum around.

NB Caveat - had my mum offered to come & stay when my second was born, I might have thought about it - I know I could have been more confident, more assertive of my rights, and I knew the house had to keep running roughly as normal for ds's sake.

im laughing at this now as I know that she is going to be a nightmare for all the reasons you have listed. two years ago I had a breast lump removed and couldnt do anything for myself, she stayed with me and I couldnt take it then so this will be much worse!

If im going to be a mother for myself I need to learn when to tell people to back off and take the lead for my new little family. Thank you all, I have booked a ticket to Namibia

Now you just have to work out how to tell her without alienating her forever...
I hear Namibia is nice at that time of year...

I think it is a special time and it makes me cross when people think they have right to intrude on this, no matter how well meaning they may be.

It's YOUR call.

You do it whichever way suits you and your husband.

my mum came to stay for 2 weeks when DS was born (she lives 500 miles away). she came up when DH went back to work and tbh i really needed it (infected stitches and new baby are not a good combination). this time she is going to come up a couple of weeks before #2 is due to help when i'm 37wks+ then go home and come back when DH goes back to work.

i do agree with playing it by ear but dont underestimate how tired you will be when DP goes back to work and you are on your on with the baby. you will prob be grateful for the adult conversation is nothing else.

My mum has offered to come and spend some time with me a week or two after the baby is born - not before. I know she will be there when I bring the LO home and will probably visit a few times, but she knows that being there too much would be intrusive and if I need her I will call. She only lives half an hour away in the car.

My mum was a quite ill when I was born, so she didn't have me to herself for that much time, she said she knows I will want it.

My nephew was brought home by db and sil to my mums house as they were living there at the time. Brought him home on the Sat, my mum went to work on the Monday and only saw him when sil wanted a bath or something and db was at work. Very restrained. Mum said that with me, she knows I will tell her to po home if i have had enough and she wont care, but sil couldn't do that to her.

I am a little worried about my ilaws as they live over 100 miles away and although they are excited for us, it will be a bit of a long distance relationship. they are getting on a bit now as well (dh is around 18yrs older than me - about the same age as my mum) and I can't really imagine them being that interested in a newborn for very long. I am hoping that they will come an visit and then leave us for a while till the baby is a bit older.

If she is very practical, then you do not need her there for the first week. You will need lots of support and your DH telling you how wonderful you are.
60 miles isn't that far really. Could you have your Mum and you ILs visit you in hospital and then having "done your duty" ban them for the first week home?

My mum was like this and made it quite clear that she wanted to be with us the minute our baby was born! We were very clear and consistent throughout my pregnancy that no-one would be here apart from me, DH and the baby until DH went back to work. At that point my mother was invited to stay.

I have to say, having her around then was fantastic as she cooked and cleaned and generally looked after me - and resisted the temptation to coo over the baby all the time, which is obviously what she really wanted to do!

PILs, by comparison, were a nightmare. They are lovely, lovely people and I get on with them really well, but they still expected me to be making them cups of tea, food, provide them snacks, etc. And they would do that thing that really irritates me of taking their dirty cups/plates through to the kitchen but just leaving them on the side for me to put them in the dishwasher!

Their idea of helping me was to buy - as a surprise - one of those rotary driers to put up in the garden, so I could hang the washing out.

We tried not to be ungrateful ...

So, moral of the story is - decide what you and DH want and what will be best for you as a new family and then tell both sets of parents what you want. Do not get into a debate/argument about it.

And good luck! Only 34 weeks of this to go!