This was supposed to be my year!

[chazzy87]

Hiya, this could be a long post.
So. Ive recently found out I'm pregnant, having a baby at this point in time is not ideal, in the slightest. And I'm completely lost on whether to continue the pregnancy or not. I'm nearly 37 years old, have 2 children from a previous marriage age 14 and 12. Their father and I separated around this time last year and we were together for 18 years.
I've since got a new partner (who is amazing) Known him for years and years and have been together around 8 months and are living together now. My children still live with their dad as I work early mornings and he takes them school, they come to mine after school and I do dinner etc etc. then take them back to his. We are in the process of saving and being able to afford a larger house to rent, currently in a 1-bed as that's all I could afford at the time as ex refused to leave our house and it was awful for the kids us living together so one of us had to go. Moneys tight as he was obviously the breadwinner and he also cleared the savings as I'm the one that left him, so he's a bit bitter to say the least 😬 and I've had to start again from scratch with no help from him. I'm pretty sure he's been trying to make it as difficult for me as possible to see my children, and tries to make them think their lives are better with him instead of me as all he's done is throw money at them n has been their best mates since I went, they will learn in the end tho. But I am getting there, slowly but surely 😅 this year was supposed to be my year.... And now I'm pregnant 🤦🏼‍♀️ honestly I would love to have another baby! BUT let's be honest, it's mot ideal. I'm 37 years old, live in a 1-bed, been with my bf for only 8 months, still need to go through divorce etc with the ex, the list goes on!! My main concern is my kids, will they think I'm trying to replace them with a new baby?! Even if they don't think that the ex will put the idea in their heads. I need to concentrate on them at the moment, I can't do that with a new baby.. can I?! Do I really want to start all over again!? And be in my 40s while having a child in primary school!? And be even more poor for longer!? But then I'm not sure I can handle a termination! I had one when I was 17 and it did mess me up a little. It was the right thing to do but I'm scared I'd be worse now as I know what I'd be getting rid of. And then do I wanna throw the stress of a termination in the mix of divorce/kids/finances etc, I'll end up having a breakdown! All of this probably makes no sense but I'm blurring it out as I go. I just wanted a vent and some opinions I suppose 🤷‍♀️

Uhm, well..I am a real believer in talking, I think anything can be solved to some extent with a reasonable conversation.
Men are scientifically proven to grief a relationship for much longer than women do.
Even if you’re pregnant it can still be your year. You are not alone, you have a new partner now.
The same way how your ex partner and you are equally responsible for the wellbeing or your existing children, the same way you and your new partner are equally responsible for the future of the baby inside you.
You can help your ex and yourself by having a chat with him. If I were you I’d sit him down to explain the situation, similarly but not to the same extent like above and ask for his understanding of the situation, so that he wouldn’t try to influence how your existing kids view it and not keeping the kid would result in an enormous distress for you that you are not sure if you’d be able to manage, but the kids need both of the parents. If the kids will grief you, he will have to change his working hours or hire a nanny and do the cooking daily which I am sure he’s not thrilled to do because it would come at the cost of money or time he has for work and would result in him being more tired. Need to approach it from a point of logical reasoning when trying to sway this situation in a way that’s better for you. If he’s still salty he will not respond very well to an emotional appeal.
good luck!

I think you need to divorce your ex, move to a bigger place and have your children 50/50 before you have another child. Do you have a joint mortgage on the home your husband is in?

That is on my list of things to do believe me lol. Need to get myself square with money first though and to get a bigger place so my kids can stay with me and have their own space, which they don’t at the moment 😔.
You are right I need to these things before I have another child, we didnt plan on having any children together, another thing on the list was for him to get the snip.
I know logically what I need to do, I have no idea why I’m even thinking of keeping it 😩. My partner has said to me once we are sorted we could go again but I don’t want to…. So why am I contemplating having this one?!? I’m so confused!
Yes we have a joint mortgage, a fairly large one 🤦🏼‍♀️ x

Are you paying maintenance for your current children since you have them less than 50-50? Will you be getting the value of half the house your husband lives in?

yes i am, not through csa though. Has been arranged through ourselves. And I’m paying for things such as school shoes, school dinners, general things that kids want. I’m cooking for them every weekday and if they are round at the weekend.
I won’t be getting anything anytime soon as he refuses to sell the house. Which is why I will be getting a divorce and then a financial settlement hopefully starting at some point this year x

I think your children have been through enough with the break up of their parents, not having a home with you and their mum with a new man that shes already moved in after a very short time. You really should be prioritising them which you can’t do really with a baby to a new man.

It’s a big mess so I’d get a termination. It will be a lot for your children to have to live with your new man when you get a home sorted for them, never mind a new baby.

I agree that your kids have enough to cope with. I’d end the pregnancy.

I think you have moved in with this bloke far too soon. He gets to live with you but your children don’t, I can only imagine what that would feel like to my own children. 😔 And then when they do live with you, they have to also live with this bloke you’ve been with for hardly any time at all. I really feel for your existing children and think you need to tread very carefully at their ages, you could do damage that can’t be repaired.

I think you should get your own home for you and your children and prioritise them, not your new relationship.

Yes I do also agree that they have been through more than enough and I know what I need to do, it's just coming to terms with it.
As for me prioritising my new relationship over my children... I'm sorry but I do not agree. Throughout the whole time I have made sure that they are comfortable with whatever steps I have taken and my new partner. If they wernt, I wouldn't be with him. Like I said previously, living at home with their father was not working in the slightest and was doing them more damage than good. He point blank refused to move out. It wasn't working so I was the one who had to leave, it was an awful environment for them to be in. I would have loved to have been able to get a place big enough for my children, but I had no money. He made sure of that and rent these days is ridiculous. And I also work early mornings. So it made sense for them to stay there with him. Since I have moved out, everyone is a lot happier. It's working. And my new partner is actually making me happy, which I wasn't for in a very long time, and my children also see that, so no I'm not prioritising some bloke over my children

You could have moved out of the home but not moved in with the new man. You still could have had a relationship with him without moving in with him. I think you’re selfish and I’d be surprised if your children really feel ok about it all. I think you’ll regret it long term but it’s your life. You asked for opinions and that is mine. Good luck.

Sorry but my opinion is exactly the same as @EndOfABook. Not one you'll like to admit to yourself as being true but you moving a partner into the home that they visit every day takes away the only alone time they get with you and now they have to share their mum. Not fair. He should have been visiting only for muuuuuuch longer than 8mo. You're not a single woman in your 29's anymore. You're a single mum with responsibility to children
Your priorities are wrong imo. I hope you realise this soon

It's a bit like oh I don't have space for you to stay, but my dp can
Do you understand what I mean?
Children don't need to understand the ins and outs of what's gone on with you and their dad or why you don't have rooms for them

You shouldn't be paying extras if your also paying cms.

Your ex sounds horrible.

Get that house sold ASAP.. so you can finally, properly move on.
I know it must be really hard but I think another child is going to massively set you back

Where did I say I moved out straight with him?!
Can u imagine how great it would be if I could just magic up £1300 a month to rent a 3 bedroom on a shitty wage with no savings and find a new job to be able to fit around the kids at the drop of a hat?! If only it was that easy!!
Do u really think I just got up n walked out?! And then invited some random bloke to live with me not giving a second thought to my kids. I spent 6 months living with my ex arguing, crying, trying to figure out what the hell I was gonna do.
But anyway, thanks for input x

I also agree with @EndOfABook. I feel sorry for your children. I understand why you moved out of the family home but you have rushed into moving in with this man before your children are settled in a home with you. I agree that you need to have a home got you and your kids without the new man. I would also terminate the pregnancy in your position.

Where did I say I moved out straight with him?!

You've only been together for 8 months but are already living together - that is moving straight in with someone.

Most people are more cautious than this even when they don't have children to think about.

Sorry if I'm coming across as some sort of cow 🙈 suppose I'm just defensive over how people think I've treated my children unfairly.
When I split with my ex I didn't want another relatiomship at all. And if I'm really honest with myself I'd probably have the same views. But my new partner came out of the blue, I wasn't looking for anyone. He makes me happy, so happy. Him n the kids get on great together. They are happy, I'm happy. Like I said, I didn't expect a new partner.
It just frustrates me when people think it's so simple and easy to just find somewhere to live etc. it's not.
So I do apologise if I've come across a bit rude to anyone 🙈🤦🏼‍♀️😬

Where did you live when you first moved out of the Marital home? You can get a 1 bed for yourself and get a sofa bed temporarily for the kids. That's what I'd do if money was an issue.

I would also terminate the pregnancy. It'll affect the relationship with your existing children and nothing is worth that. I hope you get things sorted.

I moved into where I am now. A one bed. I have my bed and a sofa bed in my room. And another sofa bed downstairs. So when the ever do stay, they are upstairs and I'm downstairs.
They don't like it which is completely understandable, it's cramped and they don't have their own space.
I'm planning on being able to rent somewhere bigger this year so they have their own space and they can stay over more often.
Yes this pregnancy isn't going to help, I know what I need to do, just need to man up x

I’m sure that no one thinks it’s easy, but you are being selfish. Setting up home with a new man before your children are settled in a home with you, meaning the kids will be living with a new man when they do live with you, is only in your own interests. There was no need to live with him so soon. Getting on great together when they come around for dinner isn’t the same as having to live with him in future. You sound much younger than 37 and really need to think of the impact on your children.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to be able to settle my children into a home before moving anyone else in. On my own I can only afford a one bedroom place. My ex refuses to sell the house so any money from that is going to take months as I won't get anything until a divorce and financial settlement is done. He said he was going to buy me out when I first left and I was going to buy a 2 bed holiday home on a site near us (sounds awful but they are lovely) I even viewed one and spoke looked into costs and everything. Then he told me he couldn't afford it once I had already moved out. X

It sounds like you're only with the new man for financial reasons. You need to push forward with the divorce and get somewhere settled to live. I feel for your children and they will be 100% thinking they her you've prioritised the new man before them. You've been together 8 months and already living together, and your children will get to watch the fall out if/ when this new relationship doesn't work out.

I moved into where I am now

Which means you moved your partner in there too
That's what we are saying - you should live there by yourself
Nobody is saying you shouldn't be in a relationship or that your partner is a bad person. No one doubts that he makes you happy or is nice to the kids

We're saying he shouldn't have moved in with you. He should have his own place and you have yours. So the kids don't have to share their mum on the little time they have with you after school. He could just stay over when they're not there, why did you need him to live with you?? You have moved him into a house that doesn't have enough room for your children but he gets to stay. That's choosing one over the other from a child's perspective

Does he not pay rent?
What is your dp contributing financially to your 1 bed? Two incomes would get you more than what you have now? Why didn't, if you wanted to live together, find somewhere bigger to accommodate 2 people + kids overnight occasionally? Your income plus his would give you a bigger budget for rent, no?

I know it sounds like that but it's not, not at all.

Jesus Christ! Then you wait for your money to come through and spend as much time as possible with your children til then. Not move a man in so that he is there when they visit! They will want to see their mum, not some random man.

It sounds worse with every post. I can’t believe you don’t see the problem, you sound incredibly selfish and in danger of fucking your whole life up and losing your children.

See the children without him there. When the money comes through, get your own place without him there. I would terminate the pregnancy. You need to rebuild a life for you and your kids but you’re already creating more chaos and potential problems,

I don't think you can have this baby. You clearly can't afford to support your two children, how will you be able to support 3 with maternity leave etc? Your relationship is brand new so you have no idea if it will stand the pressures of now having a baby so soon.

Personally I'd look for a better paid job- could you now work 9-5 and get 50-50 (in larger accommodation). Your children could be at home alone for an hour after school at their ages so don't need you to work part time around them.

I think you now need to be really proactive about getting access to your children (and prioritise them, not your partner)