This was supposed to be my year!

[chazzy87]

Hiya, this could be a long post.
So. Ive recently found out I'm pregnant, having a baby at this point in time is not ideal, in the slightest. And I'm completely lost on whether to continue the pregnancy or not. I'm nearly 37 years old, have 2 children from a previous marriage age 14 and 12. Their father and I separated around this time last year and we were together for 18 years.
I've since got a new partner (who is amazing) Known him for years and years and have been together around 8 months and are living together now. My children still live with their dad as I work early mornings and he takes them school, they come to mine after school and I do dinner etc etc. then take them back to his. We are in the process of saving and being able to afford a larger house to rent, currently in a 1-bed as that's all I could afford at the time as ex refused to leave our house and it was awful for the kids us living together so one of us had to go. Moneys tight as he was obviously the breadwinner and he also cleared the savings as I'm the one that left him, so he's a bit bitter to say the least 😬 and I've had to start again from scratch with no help from him. I'm pretty sure he's been trying to make it as difficult for me as possible to see my children, and tries to make them think their lives are better with him instead of me as all he's done is throw money at them n has been their best mates since I went, they will learn in the end tho. But I am getting there, slowly but surely 😅 this year was supposed to be my year.... And now I'm pregnant 🤦🏼‍♀️ honestly I would love to have another baby! BUT let's be honest, it's mot ideal. I'm 37 years old, live in a 1-bed, been with my bf for only 8 months, still need to go through divorce etc with the ex, the list goes on!! My main concern is my kids, will they think I'm trying to replace them with a new baby?! Even if they don't think that the ex will put the idea in their heads. I need to concentrate on them at the moment, I can't do that with a new baby.. can I?! Do I really want to start all over again!? And be in my 40s while having a child in primary school!? And be even more poor for longer!? But then I'm not sure I can handle a termination! I had one when I was 17 and it did mess me up a little. It was the right thing to do but I'm scared I'd be worse now as I know what I'd be getting rid of. And then do I wanna throw the stress of a termination in the mix of divorce/kids/finances etc, I'll end up having a breakdown! All of this probably makes no sense but I'm blurring it out as I go. I just wanted a vent and some opinions I suppose 🤷‍♀️

Another thing, I'm not sure any father would be ok with their children staying over when there's another man living there anyway
You should have found a bigger place with your partner with another bedroom so your kids have space, if living with him is what you desperately wanted
Or, stay in the 1 bed by yourself and he can visit/sleepover. There's absolutely no need for him to live with you

<bangs head against wall>

Yes I see what you mean. Thankyou for putting it nicely.
I've obviously messed up. I've tried so hard to do the right things over the last year or so. everything like moving out n him moving in I've always spoken the kids n asked how they have felt about it. I still do, I check in with them often to make sure they are ok with the situations and ask them what they would like to happen and how they feel etc.

Yes we go halves on everything. I've got a couple of debts to pay off (nothing ridiculous) mainly from moving in, furniture, deposit etc. and then we're going to look at getting somewhere bigger once we're on track.

It sounds very much like you have made chaotic and irresponsible choices so far: unreliable birth control, moving a man into a flat that you won't/can't have your own children live in, 6 months of difficulties before you threw in the towel, have known your bf for years and years and yet this relationship came out of the blue. Can you imagine how much WORSE everyone's life would be if you threw in a baby with a man you're not married to? Where would you put the baby? How would you afford it, given your obligations towards your existing children? What if the bf leaves you or you leave him? If you're worried the ex is turning your children against you now, how do you realistically expect him to not put your existing children first when you'd obviously have to put your new baby first? What will the future look like for this baby, in a small rented 1 bed flat that two almost-teen brothers come in and out of on a daily basis and who you prioritise at exactly the time of day that babies tend to be at their worst? You're in a 1 bed with a man who isn't family to your children, throw in two teens and a baby....how is that NOT stressful?

Think about someone - anyone - other than yourself for a minute. Do you really think having this baby is a good idea?

Why is everyone being a dick to the op? I don't get it. She's done what she could afford to do.

And it's disgusting to tell someone to terminate a pregnancy they've said they wanted.

Perhaps her ex should think about prioritising the kids and actually sell the house so that their mother can actually afford to get somewhere the kids can stay with her.
And putting your kids first at the expense of all of your happiness like some kind of martyr does not help them. OP needed to leave. OP is now in a new relationship with someone she has known as a friend for many years. I do not see how that is an issue actually.
this thread is so odd. You all sound angry with OP for daring to leave her deeply unhappy situation.

No shade ladies, but this chat is going savage on the OP.
Life has its twists and turns. Slacks need cutting as well. You don’t know the backstory really.

Long post here sorry. I may be wrong saying this as I'm not really in agreement with everyone else.

You may be in a rather difficult situation but you've got this little baby growing inside you. I'm not for or against terminations, everyone has their own opinion on the matter so won't say either way what you should do. I'm not even going to broach the topic of your partner living with you. I feel your kids don't live with you because it's the best option as it works for them and your job. As long as they're happy that's all that matters. Christ, some people get married after just a few weeks and have stayed together for years!!!!

I would just advise you REALLY REALLY think about it before you do anything. This is something you cannot take back. And even more so because you say you'd love another baby.

Does your new partner know you are pregnant? In either case you have to talk to him about it because I don't believe it's just your decision. Yes it's your body etc but it's his child too. You don't know what he might say.

I'm 36 with a 6 month old so I'll be the 40 year old with a primary school kid... am I bothered?? Absolutely not 😀

If you do decide to keep the baby, speak to your children yourself, on your own and explain it to them. They may love the idea of another sibling. As one PP said, talking is the best way to sort things and it's not always as bad as you think it's going to be. And somehow you always manage to get through tough times. Money is money, you can earn more and you live by what you can afford!

One last thing, is adoption an option? I know you'd be going through the whole pregnancy and it can be rough but there are so many wonderful people out there who can't have, but dearly want, children and you'd be giving them the ultimate gift anyone could give. Just a thought, I know it's not for everyone.

My heart honestly goes out to you and I want to give you a hug. Wishing you luck and happiness OP

I agree with this and was about to post the same comment myself. Truthfully, it is hard for kids to welcome a new sibling in the circumstances OP has described in her original post. They are going to wonder why they aren't 50/50 between mum and dad surely?

The choice is yours at the end of the day, OP. Good luck with everything.

Sorry but I would never put a job before my kids? Surely you change your hours?

If op was a man who left his wife and moved immediately in with a new woman who was pregnant within 8 months, would you say the same thing?

Of course op can have the baby if she wants it but let's not pretend that this is a good thing for her existing children.

Yes!!!! This 👏🏻

Gosh.
I mean I knew my life was shit show but didn't quite realise how much of a shit show.
Personally I thought I was doing alright after the last year I've had....until coming on here.
I suppose it's easy for everyone to judge n have their own opinion (which is fair).
As everyone is pointing out, I've been selfish. I thought I'd been doing things at least half alright, obvs not. So thanks everyone for pointing that out, u all know how to make someone feel better about themselves.
I left my husband of 18 years as I was deeply unhappy, that's obvs selfish. I moved out of my home so my children didn't have to witness the destruction of said marriage, selfish again. Giving up my home/family/security that I've put into for 18years, selfish. I've unexpectedly found someone new to be happy with, even more selfish. I'm trying my fucking hardest to do what I think is best for me and my children, how selfish of me.
Yes I get what everyone is saying but Jesus Christ!! I didn't pick him off the street! ive said before id probably have the same opinion towards someone but until your in that situation u just don't know. I've made sure along the way the kids are ok with it all! It's not like I'm with a different bloke every week introducing them is it? But obviously that's wrong and again selfish.
None of you know how hard it's been n what my ex is like. Having to leave my kids instead of dragging them to some shithole that I can barely afford just because he won't sell the house so that we can both have space for our kids 50/50, just cos I left him he's obviously the victim in this and my god does he make sure everyone knows that!

God forbid any of you go through anything similar, I would never comment on someone's post like some of u have.

In your position I would terminate & my 100% focus would be getting a place where my children could live with me.

Thankyou to those who have been more understanding xxx

It sounds like your children have so much going on emotionally with you moving out, having another child so soon with this new man is definitely going to make them feel like they are being pushed out, and it may make them want to live with your ex full time. Would you really want that?

Also, by the sounds of it you are struggling a lot financially, to the extent that your children are suffering. It would be irresponsible to bring another child into this.

This is exactly what is so upsetting about mumsnet now, everyone being so god damn judgemental and making people feel so horrendously shit about themselves when they're usually already feeling shit which is why they post!!!!

Looking for advice, empathy and reassurance is what this is meant to be about not an excuse to be mean, rude and obnoxious.

I totally agree with you OP, no one knows what you've been or going through. I was reading another post yesterday about a woman (who had a young a daughter) who was being abused (not physically) by her husband and she was asking advice on how to make it work and she was annihilated!!! So you just can't win.

You'll always get negative comments, you just have to ignore them, because obviously they have the absolute perfect life and have never been in a difficult situation 🙄 like you say god forbid if they ever have to make such a difficult decision and ask for help/advice. Other PP's you should be ashamed of yourself for making someone feel so shite!!!! If you've nothing supportive to say then bugger off. And good for you for those offering genuine support and advice 🩶

Not saying that all the support is what the OP is wanting to hear but support nonetheless without judgement and cruelty.

OP you have done what you think is best for your kids, they are still in the family home that they are familiar with while you find your feet. Doesn't mean others would have done the same but you make decisions based on yours and your family's circumstances. We don't always get it right do we?! I for one don't!

Sending the biggest hug 🤗

I'm actually going to take exception to this because THIS is what's wrong with MN these days, imo.

The issue with "people" these days, which accounts for 80% of MN threads imo, is that they won't take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect others to accommodate their choice not to do so. I'm not saying this about the OP (necessarily; there's not enough information here to say where she's taking responsibility or shunning it - on balance, it looks like she's taken responsibility and is seeking advice on how best to take it going forward). I'm saying this in response to:

everyone being so god damn judgemental and making people feel so horrendously shit about themselves when they're usually already feeling shit which is why they post!!!!

Nobody can MAKE anyone feel anything. The OP has come here to ask for advice. It's an open internet forum. Asking for something comes with a commensurate responsibility to manage yourself and your reactions when you get what you ask for. There is no obligation on anyone to do anything beyond respect the rules of the forum. And, imo, nobody has said anything that couldn't be considered blunt or frank, two very different things from 'judgemental'. The whole point of this forum is to post things for people to share their opinions on and come to a judgement on. If posters choose to "feel so horrendously shit" because they don't like the answers they've received, that's their right.

There are clearly some posts where posters are distressed and desperate, and in those cases I've rarely seen a better resource than this forum: the outpouring of genuine and considered advice, encouragement, support from strangers to deal with abusive partners, negligent government services, overbearing and hurtful colleagues and friends and relative etc etc etc - it's tremendous and massively heartwarming.

MN is NOT exclusively about "Looking for advice, empathy and reassurance" - why would you think this? What makes you the arbiter of whether this is what this forum is for, rather than (say) an arena for robust constructive criticism, harsh truths in addition to advice and empathy and reassurance? I've not seen anyone on this thread be "mean, rude and obnoxious" (such playground language).

MN seems to attract more and more posters who shirk their duties and responsibilities and then wail when this is pointed out to them. THIS is what's wrong.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday to quote you "robust constructive criticism, harsh truths in addition to advice and empathy and reassurance?" I 100% agree with you, i really do and sometimes this helps posters see things from a different point of view. Yes there are comments on here that really are unnecessary, and on such a sensitive subject. I am by no means an arbiter on what this forum is for, I just would have thought that people in need who are posting would come across people who genuinely wanted to help, whether it is something the OP wants to hear or not. Not necessarily on this thread but some of the comments to posters I've come across this week are truly awful, and I mean really horrible.

However I don't agree that no one can make you feel anything. They absolutely can. Opinions matter to people and can have a huge impact on how you're feeling and your mental health. And this is the case even more than ever before. I'm not an advocate of mental health but it does seem to affect more and more people.

Humans aren't perfect, we make mistakes and yes we as a group can point out where we think something has gone wrong and different perspectives if someone is asking (whether they like the answers or not) but surely it can be done in decent way can't it??

Every child is a blessing, I'll be 42 when I have my 3rd. Honestly, your age shouldn't even come into it. The child will only see you as its mother and won't care how old you are. You hardly qualify for the Guinness Book of Records at only 37 for being the oldest mum. it more common now than you think

My main concern is my kids, will they think I'm trying to replace them with a new baby?

This would be my worry - especially with ex pouring poison into their ears 24/7 and them living with him. Honestly, if it were me, I'd terminate. The timing is horrible, your situation isn't great living in a 1-bed and going through an acrimonious split, and I'd just really, really worry about the effect that a new baby would have on the relationship with your kids. Plus, you having a new baby is going to pour fuel on the fire that's already raging with your ex. Your age isn't the issue (I had a DC at 37), it's your situation that is.