Postpartum visitors

[Audienceofone]

So, but of an odd one here and long winded so sorry in advance 🫣

I am due to have my 4th baby (39 weeks currently) and this baby is with a new partner.
I have asked for a 2 week period after birth with no visitors just to limit the amount of germs that come into contact with our newborn…this is for more than one reason which I will go into detail with if needed but the main reason being that I am immunocompromised and so are 2 of my daughters so I don’t want to risk any unnecessary germs being brought in at least for a couple of weeks.

My mother has always been more than understanding with my previous children and has adhered to any rules I’ve set with no issues at all. However, my partners mother has said that she feels pushed out and hurt by the 2 week rule. My partner has done a very bad job at explaining our reasoning for this (not that I feel he should have to give reasons) but can anyone suggest a way in which I can try to smooth things over with her at all so that she is less hurt? I don’t want anyone to feel bad on this situation and it’s not that she is getting treated any differently to anyone else 😬

thanks in advance

so she can’t meet her son and your baby, her grandchild, for a fortnight?

oh OP that seems cruel to me

let me guess, you don’t get on well with the woman generally?

My partner has done a very bad job

probably because he’s desperate to introduce his baby to his mother

MIL I’m sorry you feel pushed out that isn’t our intention, but I’m sure you’d agree yourself that the most important thing is the babies health and me recovering, then we would love you to be involved (if you would). We can also FaceTime during those two weeks if you’d like.

if she’s nice, and if she lets it go great. If not I’d just ask her why on earth she thinks what she wants is more important than what you want / have decided you and the baby need.

i would speak to her like you are explaining nicely for her benefit to help her understand. Not like you’re justifying yourself or asking for her permission. If she’s typically difficult tho I’d probably just ignore her, and leave her to her son.

What? No, I absolutely get along with women. How on earth do you get that from me being worried about my newborn being exposed to germs?

No idea why you’re getting the responses you are when your mum isn’t meeting the baby either.

is the idea to leave the 2 weeks based on medical advice? What have your drs suggested.

Thanks for this, I think the FaceTime thing is a great idea and I hadn’t even thought of that so thank you! 🙏🏻

I think she will be reasonable once the reasons are explained but her reaction has thrown me off a little as I’ve not had an issue with any of my other babies and visitors after 2 weeks.

I think just explaining it to her nicely is the way I’m going to go about it, I didn’t want to go over my partners head with it so I’ll discuss with him later I think. Don’t want to step on any toes etc.

thanks again

Sit down with her. Tell her you love her. Tell her she's NOT being singled out. And explain to her what immunocompromised means. I don't know how else you can handle it OP. Some people are less open to rationality than others.

What do you intent to do with your current 3 x dc? No school? Bit ott imo.

so the rest of us that do have visitors are all recklessly “exposing” our newborns to “germs”?

i guarantee if you ask your midwife or doctor whether in your situation you should have no visitors for a fortnight - they will say, do whatever you feel is best but there is no medical need or reason to do this

good point

Are people missing the word 'immunocompromised'? I imagine OP is doing this for good medical reasons. She's immunocompromised and so are 2 of the existing children.

Wow, sorry I asked…should’ve known better than to ask for advice on this.

Thank you for everyone that replied in a nice manner. I’ll absolutely take on board your suggestions ☺️

Just so the others know, not that I need to explain myself to you…but yes I have asked drs advice, and also have personal experience with loss of children due to exposure of viruses. So yeah im going to take extra care of my newborn. Thanks for making me feel worse about the situation though.

It's not really about your newborn coming into contact with germs though is it, as you then go on to say that it's because you and 2 of your DCs are immunocompromised. But if grandparents are well and don't have any illnesses or colds, I don't understand how letting them see your new baby when they've arrived is any different for you than 2 weeks later would be. Especially if you're giving birth in a germ ridden hospital and your kids are going to school every day of those 2 weeks. It seems really mean to me.

Wow, sorry I asked…should’ve known better than to ask for advice on this.

oh dear. What a shame that you feel attacked by a few views that perhaps question your response and put across the perspective of you partner and his mother. doesn’t bode well.

all the best

i am curious whether you’ll be stopping your three children from attending school though

People a) don't read things properly and b) make assumptions. I'm so sorry to hear that snippet of the backstory OP. Take good care of yourself and your precious children and best of luck with the birth.

My sister did this, i.e. no one met her baby for two weeks. She told us all "we're not quite ready for visitors yet, we'll let you know when we are".

No one had any issue with it. Your baby, your newborn bubble, your choice.

so you have lost a child previously to a virus? in which case i am desperately sorry and that puts a very different slant on the entire issue

Nobody met my first baby outside of those who had to (midwives etc) until he was 3 weeks old. I was an absolute state and not ready to have visitors at all. I’m also immunocompromised which was a worry but the main reason was my mental health. Everyone was fine and understood thank goodness. It’s your baby and your health and you do what you need to do. You’ve sought advice from doctors who understand your condition more than anyone on here will. Video chat will help and two weeks will go quickly. This will blow over, look after yourself and try not to take comments from strangers to heart.

Yanbu. My now 15 year old caught flu at 8 months and was hospitalised. We decided we didn't want anyone except me, dh and our older dc visiting our dc in the neonatal unit when our younger 2 dc were born. All except one relative complied without fuss.

Are your kids going to be off school in the 2 week period?

If not, then YABVU.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I completely understand wanting 2 weeks to settle with a newborn without visitors let alone with your loss and medical reasons! We are expected to give birth and just bounce back ready for visitors. I hated the constant visitors everyday with my son, actually it impacted his sleep and feeding as he would just settle and someone else would want a cuddle, or I'd need to breastfeed and he took a good hour at that point so they couldn't for majority of their visit anyway! I'd much prefer alone time with a newborn. I don't think you're being unreasonable or over the top at all, it is your baby and not just something new to flaunt to family who can't wait a couple of weeks...

I hope it all works out for you x

we’re not going to get a response re the three children and going to school

Really don't see why it matters?

really?

essentially her 3 children will be out in the big bad world, at school and then coming home to their newborn sibling. From day 1 presumably. and you don’t see the relevance?