Postpartum visitors

[Audienceofone]

So, but of an odd one here and long winded so sorry in advance 🫣

I am due to have my 4th baby (39 weeks currently) and this baby is with a new partner.
I have asked for a 2 week period after birth with no visitors just to limit the amount of germs that come into contact with our newborn…this is for more than one reason which I will go into detail with if needed but the main reason being that I am immunocompromised and so are 2 of my daughters so I don’t want to risk any unnecessary germs being brought in at least for a couple of weeks.

My mother has always been more than understanding with my previous children and has adhered to any rules I’ve set with no issues at all. However, my partners mother has said that she feels pushed out and hurt by the 2 week rule. My partner has done a very bad job at explaining our reasoning for this (not that I feel he should have to give reasons) but can anyone suggest a way in which I can try to smooth things over with her at all so that she is less hurt? I don’t want anyone to feel bad on this situation and it’s not that she is getting treated any differently to anyone else 😬

thanks in advance

Dc carry snots and germs. It's a fact. The mw who delivers your baby will have been to shops and helping other women.. Maybe help with your anxiety before the birth.. I had a premature baby. Who had 10 loving germ filled siblings at home. He was more than fine. And 3 ddogs too!

No because no one is entitled to meet a baby at any time. It's up to the OP.

Even IF her other kids are going to school, not letting family visit would lessen the unnecessary risk taken? School is more of a necessity than family getting the chance to coo over a baby a couple weeks quicker?
If I made this rule and people moaned, they wouldn't be visiting point blank 🤷🏼‍♀️ respect a mother's wishes. If she let them in and something happened, she would never forgive herself and I could damn hope the relative would never forgive themselves either. Respect a mother's wishes and what she's comfortable with. A baby is not a toy to flaunt

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My 6 week old was hospitalised on New Year's Day with flu and RSV. He had to have oxygen and an NG tube and we narrowly avoided the HDU. In hindsight I very much wish we had restricted our Christmas visitors, particularly when the germs and viruses seem rife this year. I do see why people don't understand, and know that family are desperate to meet a new baby, and you can't wrap them up in cotton wool, but my baby would've been a couple of lbs heavier and a bit sturdier if we'd waited a couple of weeks.

To answer your question, yes the children will be going to school. They will be staying with my mother. Yes I am aware you will probably take fault with this also but they are more than happy to do this. They will be staying with her for a week and then will be back with us, they will be taking proper precautions however on the week they are back with us and will not be holding baby etc.

i didn’t realise you’d lost a child to a virus Op. I’m so sorry and your MIL should be appalled with herself

Wow I'm shocked at the replies.

Op it's your body your baby your family. Everyone else meets the baby and sees you all when you are ready.

If your dp or anyone in you extended family for that matter had surgery and needed the time to rest. everyone decent is on board with that. The moment a baby is involved does not give anyone the right to immediate access. It's selfish. You have a mother who potentially has stitches wounds all sorts. Who needs to be prioritised to rest. The baby needs mum most of all not partaking in pass the parcel of relatives arms.

It boggles my mind people can't get over their own wants!!!

I am mum to 3 boys if any of them have children I will happily wait till whenever they give the say so on visiting. There are so many other ways to help or respect wishes. Simply asking and listening. Doorstep meals left or walking a dog offering to have other children.

While I appreciate the sentiment, again I don’t hold any bad feelings towards my partners mother.
She has been very nice in the few times that we have met, and I keep her updated on the pregnancy regularly as my partner isn’t great at keeping her in the loop. They do not have the closest relationship and I’m not sure how much she knows detail wise about past losses.
My question was really to see if me messaging her myself and going into more detail about why these visiting rules have been put in place was the right course to take.

No advice unfortunately, but just wanted to say I'll also be taking a minimum of two weeks to ourselves after I deliver and we do not have anyone immunocompromised in the house. It's simply because I don't want visitors and want time to heal and get to grips with our 3rd child.

Baby isn't going anywhere, it's still a newborn at 2 weeks old, and it's not like you're having other visitors either. You make sure you're not bullied into doing anything you're not comfortable with

So sorry for your previous loss OP. I don’t want to chastise you for a drip feed and obviously you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to, but I really don’t think you would have received the responses you have if that had been in your first post. Yes you’re being much more cautious than most would be but it’s totally understandable why. Your MIL should be ashamed of herself for continue to push it. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.

I'd make it clear that this is a. A blanket rule so your Mom will also not be visiting b. You've used this rule with your other babies too. If you feel able I would mention your other baby, it's likely she has no idea but it will help her understand. Explain the Dr has suggested two weeks so baby is a bit stronger. Also mention no kissing etc in this context.

From an outside view, yours and your older children's immunosuppression doesn't stop you seeing family normally so there's no difference now and she probably suspects your Mom will be over as soon as you're home. You only need to be on MN to see how often MILs are told they've no right to be anywhere near the baby until baby can vote whilst their own Mom has moved in for 5 years.

It's not cruel in the slightest - two weeks of a bubble for safety reasons and also setting the expectation early is very reasonable.
Why does this MIL have such a sense of entitlement that she feels her seeing a grandchild a few days earlier is more important that a postpartum woman's health and comfort and her boundaries?

If my sons partner was in this position I would be

• offering to help so a big nesting clean beforehand
• offering to take the big kids out before or after the birth
• offering to pick up a bag of laundry from the house and return it back without going in (but hoping my son would hold baby in the window for me to wave at or he would call me on zoom to introduce me)
• dropping off healthy nutritious meals before and after the birth.

Not one bit of me would be thinking it's my special moment because I'm a new grandma - I've had my baby

I agree. Explain once and then don't engage with any arguments

Education is more essential and important than extra visitors

Thank you for the suggestions and advice, I have just sent a very long message to her outlining all of the reasons I mentioned so hopefully this will just be smoothed over 🤞 hoping for a response soon because my heart is pounding now 🫣

you have lost a child due to a virus

it is unfathomable that your mil, whine you get on well with, is not bending over backward to accommodate this

I hope your MIL understands OP. A couple of weeks to wait is nothing in the grand scheme of things and the suggestion to facetime is a good one.

I take immunosuppressants and am careful with germs etc. as a result. Before the meds I was also careful as I have difficult to control asthma. Fortunately my family and DH's are understanding as we've had people on both sides who have needed chemo for cancer and were advised to avoid contact with others as much as possible. Some also had to shield during Covid.

I'm very sorry for your previous loss and wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and birth💐

Op
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I can see you've already messaged her. But I just wanted to say that once your mam also isn't seeing the baby in that 2 week period (which you've said she isn't) your MIL will just have to get over it. I am so sorry you lost a child. I honestly cannot imagine what that is like and can completely understand your worry.

Just in case anyone wanted an update, I’ve spoken to her and she’s been very understanding and has thanked me for clarifying the reasons ☺️ thanks for responses, I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing by reaching out to her before actually doing so.

What is magic about 2 weeks? Is it drs advice, is it to wait for tests to come back? Or is it a period you have arbitrarily come up with? Why can't your dp take baby to see your mum outside for a short time, assuming she's not too far away and it's not minus 10 (though babies in cold countries still go outdoors!) Yes explain but you need to be clear about why 2 weeks because it doesn't seem particularly logical to me either

I'm so sorry for your loss @Audienceofone
When my daughter was born in 2020 covid restrictions were just easing up but we were still worried, especially after dd was unwell and had to be readmitted to hospital at 3 days old. Also worried about elderly parents after we'd been in hospital exposed to germs. So we agreed a two week bubble with both sides of the family.
This sort of thing seemed sort of normal in covid times and now I'm expecting again I'm actually quite stressed about the thought of visitors, even though we're close and have good relationships with both sides of the family. I'll at least be asking for a few days before anyone visits. Well done doing what's right for your family and I'm sure once you explain your reasons to MIL she will understand.

@Audienceofone Do what feels best to protect your newborn and ignore the bad comments. I think a lot of people struggle with the word immunocompromised. Try to explain to her again why you are doing it instead of leaving it to your husband to do it and if she still can't understand, then so be it. What's more important is your and your baby's health.