Pregnant but partner wants me to have an abortion

[kf30]

Im currently 6+2 weeks pregnant (unplanned pregnancy). We already have 3 children together, the youngest 3 who had a tough time when born and was in and out of hospital. I fount out before christmas i was pregnant which was a complete shock, i told my partner who said straight away we cant keep it. He has said he thought about keeping it but i suffer with mental health problems and have suffered with issues with alcohol, hes worried he will end up a single dad with 4 kids. I went to a clinic on wednesday for a consultation but i know deep down i wont be able to go through with an abortion, but my partner also does not want this baby and i honestly dont think he will change his mind, i honestly do not no what to do x

It is and always will be your body and your decision.

That said... he has a point, doesn't he? I think the needs of the 3 DC you already have need to be paramount here.

You will definitely need very very good contraception for the future. Would he consider vasectomy?

Do you feel that having another baby in your current circumstances is the right decision?

I'd say you need to be really sure. The absolute grief and sadness (for me right now ) is debilitating. I'm totally pro choice bit made the wrong one and wouldn't want anyone to feel the way I am now.

I feel like all the reasons we came up with can be solved. Talk them through, write them down, write the solution and see how you feel after. I've fixed every problem now but can't undo what I've done and feel utterly heartbroken

If I was you I’d put the 3 children you’ve already got, first. They’ve got an addict with mental health problems as their mother, and their fathers already in a panic about keeping his head above water. Why on earth would you add a newborn baby into the mix? In the kindest way possible op, it would be utterly selfish, irresponsible and so horrible for your family to burden them even more

This. Are you prepared to be a single mum of 4 because that's what may happen

This. Think of your existing family

This is so insane I’m wondering if these is a reverse, or even not true at all. If you won’t get help for the kids you’ve got know, then another baby has no hope. Op maybe work on yourself, fix your addiction, this in turn will already start to improve your mental health, as alcoholism makes ALL mental health conditions worse. And concentrate on fixing your life with your family. Your oh is terrified

I'm always keep the baby but in these circumstances I think you need to listen to your husband

Im going to try to be as soft as possible, but I do come from a family affected by mental issues and alcoholism.
my grandfather suffered mental issues from not being able to surrender alcohol and hanged himself in his newly built home and left my grandma a widow with two small children.
My sister is an alcoholic, she’s been one for 20 years now, she is 43 now. I am really not sure what came first whether the mental issues or the alcoholism but she is alone, she cannot sustain a relationship with a man, friends or existing family and luckily she does not have any kids. She is very lonely but she is for a reason. People affected by this do not see themselves in third person. Your partner is probably right.
until you give up alcoholism you are unable to nurture any other relationship other than the one with alcohol.
Trust me, I do not judge, but I do come from a family of alcoholics and I genuinely despise my parents for drinking because this thing just drags on in generations.

No one here can tell you what YOU should do because it's your body and your choice, but if I was in your situation, I'm afraid I would terminate. My mental health couldn't cope with another child (and neither could my body) - and my 3 existing children need me to be the best version of myself that I can be and that wouldn't include bringing another baby into their lives.

Ultimately op, it's a choice only you can make but if you choose to keep it, you need to be aware of the worst case scenario - all your children taken away because of alcohol addiction and poor mental health, and the loss of your relationship.

If you are happy to go ahead with that worst case scenario then you have your answer.

Your partner and existing children are unlikely to benefit from you going ahead with this pregnancy. And surely, whilst it's your body, your partner's opinion must count for something?
I think you'd be very foolish to go ahead with this pregnancy. Though as you've said you don't think you would be able to go ahead with an abortion, I'm not sure what advice you are looking for 🤷‍♀️

Op is social services involved with your family? What do you do for work? How are you going to financially support all four children? Do you have room for all four or will you have to look into upgrading homes/cars? Presuming your oh works full time, how is he doing to hold down a job, take care of 4 children including a newborn, plus support his addicted, mentally ill wife? Will you be able to stop drinking during the pregnancy? Will you be drinking immediately after whilst taking care of a very vulnerable baby? If you’re an alcoholic, then are you already solely in charge of the 3 children you have now whilst constantly drunk? What mental health conditions do you have, and how are they affecting your life at the moment? I’m assuming just because of the alcoholism that you have at the very least depression and anxiety. That must be really tough on your husband and kids, plus yourself. Do you think adding an unbelievable amount of stress and pressure into this situation is the right thing to do?

I had 3 (planned) children to then have an unplanned pregnancy, when I told my DH he was worried too and said we couldn't keep it, and told me to have an abortion. I told him I couldn't do it and after a few weeks he's come to accept it and now he's happy with it. I'm 12 weeks now. If you have an abortion the guilt could haunt you for the rest of your life and this is something you must consider... Maybe you could compromise, if you want to keep this baby seek help for your alcoholism and reassure your husband you will be there and he won't be a single dad. Good luck

Completely your body your choice- but my opinion as a child of an alcoholic,
don’t make your kids life harder.

I'm sorry but I would have to agree with your husband and the other posters on here.

"He has said he thought about keeping it but i suffer with mental health problems and have suffered with issues with alcohol, hes worried he will end up a single dad with 4 kids."

This is a very valid, unselfish and fair reason to not have another a child. Having said that - and if you do go ahead with the abortion - then you need to start using contraception so that this doesn't happen again.

If she hasn’t stopped drinking for the sake of her husband and kids, then she’s not going to for yet another child. And she hasn’t even mentioned the mental health issues she has. Her oh is carrying a heavy burden here already, and the entire load is going to fall on him if his fears come true. I wonder how long this situation has continued without the op making changes, I suspect a long time. If I was her oh, at this point I’d be tempted to wash my hands of the whole situation, I’d probably leave and apply for shared custody of the 3 kids. This is not a good life to be living and he needs to do something to protect himself, if the op is incapable and he snaps under the pressure, then where the fuck does that leave the kids?

Having another baby sounds like a really bad idea. Why isn't he taking responsibility for contraception under the circumstances?

Why isn't she?!?!?!

Have to agree with the other posters that rationally, having this baby may not be the best thing for your existing kids. That said, your partner's got a nerve to badger you into an abortion now when he had all the time in the world to get the snip.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/4653723-baby-n04

... He really should have

I agree.

Given your issues with MH and alcohol, it would definitely make sense for him to have a vasectomy.

Because he's the one who clearly doesn't want another baby and presumably is the far more together one given that the mother has alcohol addiction and mental ill health. Why wouldn't he take responsibility?

“They’ve got an addict with mental health problems as their mother”

what a nasty way of putting things.

Their mum has mental health problems and addiction issues’ would be less nasty.

She hasn’t said she is an alcoholic in active addiction, she said SUFFERED issues with alcohol not ‘am currently suffering’ and people struggling with mental health issues do often develop a poor relationship with alcohol as a shit coping mechanism but don’t always become alcoholics. Alcoholics don’t always spend their entire life span in active addiction either. There is recovery possible but unless it’s rock solid recovery, life challenges can test it and make them vulnerable.

But no OP, I don't think a baby in a home where there is already three children’s needs to meet where their mum might be more fragile to struggling and relapsing with either mental health or using alcohol is a good idea, but I also know an abortion you really don’t want can cause a huge mental health relapse which can include an increase/relapse of alcohol abuse. So baby or no baby the outcome can be the same. A broken mother and unsupported children.

As your partner is the one trying to hold the glue of this family together his needs and thoughts do matter, but ultimately he needs to realise it’s not always a case of terminate and everyone moves on, he could be dealing with a massive fall out from a coerced/forced abortion which will see him picking up all the pieces anyway.

You dont know which way the cards will fall until you make the choice either way.

If you choose to terminate OP please make sure you have a pre planned ‘crisis’ plan in place so your partner knows who to contact and how to help if your MH dramatically declines and/or any addiction issues become critical.

Op entirely your choice.
I think you are between a rock and a hard place, can your MH withstand a pregnancy & a newborn baby? Can your MH cope with an abortion.

A 4th child is a massive cost, bigger car, possibly need a bigger house, holidays become more expensive.

Then take into account day to day stuff, food, clothes, childcare, even "cheap" activities isn't cheap for 4 kids.

@Unreliablenightmare

Oh honey! I can't just read and run, I don't really know what to say but a hand hold is here for you (and a hug)