Lost Best Friend Due to Pregnancy

[KD1988UK]

I feel like I have lost a limb 😔

For context, my best friend of 13 years had an abortion 4 years ago as her partner of 6 (at the time) didn’t want the pregnancy. She said she had to choose between her baby and her partner and she chose the latter. I supported her through it despite my feelings (she never really challenged him and hid her abortion from everyone as she didn’t want her family hating him).

Roll on 4 years later and my fiance and I have been TTC for a year and ahalf with two miscarriages (one required surgery). I FINALLY am now having a healthy pregnancy (20 weeks now). Although it hasn’t been easy due to severe morning sickness leading to hospitalisation and was considered high risk for awhile.

My best friend has been so incredibly unsupportive out of everyone. She never asks about the pregnancy and comes across as irritated when I complained of being unwell (even when I ended up in hospital). I don’t feel like I can talk to her about it (and it’s not like I would talk about it often anyway!)

I tried reaching out to her recently asking if everything is okay and she said she was fine 🫠
I even tried to explain to her that I am feeling lonely and seem to be losing people since the pregnancy and she turned it around and provided excuses for people and said my expectations are too high.

I guess I have to accept that my friendship with my best friend is over because I am finally having a healthy pregnancy 😔

Has anyone else been through this? I am heartbroken 💔

Tbf pregnancy feels very important to the person who's pregnant and not so much to those who aren't How long were you in hospital for? Heartbroken seems a bit extreme juat because someone isn't asking how your pregnancy is going.

Sounds like this is difficult for her because of the feelings she has around her own lost pregnancy because of her partner, and she's unable to put those feelings aside.

You say you're losing friends, plural. Are other friends doing similar too? Are you maybe talking about nothing else perhaps?

I'm a high risk pregnancy, have had HG and been hospitalised... complications are also continuing to arise (deep joy). I also have DS1 making it all very draining.

This may not be "right", but I really don't bother looking for support further than myself and my partner. Nobody really wants to hear about it, I've got a medical team should I really need assistance. I know how special it all feels but I would try and lower your expectations- it IS so so special for you and your husband, but the rest of the world really won't care that much. I feel on the brink of death but I'm just cracking on with it, only my mental state can really alter how I feel etc.

With that, just look after yourself properly and do anything and everything that feels right to you.

At this age and this time friends do not matter that much. As we grow older people grow apart.
Now you feel like you want the support, but once the baby comes you will be entirely sucked in with the new baby, the baby will take up all your time till he/she grows up a bit. So there is no need to feel like youve lost a limb. Now it’s basically two people-you and your partner against the world. The rest of it becomes periphery.
It is highly possible that your friend is still grieving the baby she ended up not having because of the partner, but that just adds up to why you shouldn’t be selfish in this case. It would be really wasteful to request your friend to overcome her grief and focus on you just to recycle the friendship after the baby comes. That is what happens, you will be at home with the baby. When my closest friend had her first born we literally were out of touch for like 3 -4months…

I think that’s an extreme view. I certainly didn’t need my friends, whether they were childless, childfree or parents, any less because I had a child.

OP, I think you’re writing off this friendship too fast. You’ve been having a tough time, you know that your pregnancy may be making her think difficult thoughts about her own choices — two people having a tough time shouldn’t be the kiss of death if they genuinely value one another.

Gosh from the title I thought your friend had died! Good advice already given.

Yes I have been through this, I lost a very good friend when I got married and then a very good friend when I had a baby! The one I lost when I had a baby said she couldn't have children and was really jealous I was having them ans therefore couldn't be around me / them. She was devastated and so was I. She went back to live in Germany after that and I never saw her again and haven't stayed in touch.

I think these big life events can disrupt friendships and sadly we have to move on and make new connections. It hurts a lot though and I still miss those friends from time to time, we shared so many memories.

Let her be. People drift when some have kids and others don't. Don't assume it due to her abortion it might be it she might just not be interested in pregnancy etc and wonder what the fuss is about

I think you are making a massive assumption connecting your friend’s past termination to her cooling your friendship while you are pregnant. It’s quite a leap and you sound a bit judgy to be honest.

Yes I think unless she says it's due to that then don't assume it is.

This is exactly it.

Pregnancy feels massive when you’re pregnant, especially after a longish period TTC, but it’s not really very interesting to your friends. It’s actually very boring when pregnant women feel they should be the focus of all attention. It’s great that you are finally pregnant, but what are you expecting here?

Accept you’re hormonal, your friend is doubtless happy for you but that doesn’t mean it’s all she’s thinking about, and once you can drink again go out for wine and catch up!

And words like “heartbroken” are a bit OTT. As is referencing her abortion years ago.

What's happening are you still chatting/meeting up but she doesn't want to talk about the pregnancy.? If that's the case I'd assume she's finding it difficult and try to be understanding.

If she's avoiding you/making excuses not to meet etc then yes it sounds like she's checking out of the friendship which could be temporary or she may feel unable to continue the friendship. Again I feel for her although you also deserve a happy pregnancy

I think this is terrible advice. This is the time you really need friends, essentially if your partner pisses you off. This particular friend may not be the one, but ensure you foster your other friendships.

I really struggled with a friend from work when she announced she was pregnant. I had recently had a miscarriage and was TTC again with no luck. I was hurt and jealous that she was having what I so desperately wanted. She talked to me about her pregnancy all the time which made it worse and I just couldn’t cope.

When she was on mat leave, I found out I was pregnant (finally) and then went on mat leave before she returned. Having 18-24 months of not seeing each other really helped and we were friends again when I came back. Still friends now even though I have changed jobs, she’s had another baby and I’m pregnant again.

Try to give your friend some space from your pregnancy. She may well be hurting and your pregnancy really is only a big deal to you and your partner (and grandparents perhaps).

I’m so sorry about your struggles and congrats on the pregnancy.

But why do you think her friend is sad rather than just not interested? Or maybe she is interested and OP just wants too much. It’s so sad that we constantly assume there’s jealousy whenever pregnancy is involved in women’s friendships. Her friend had an elective abortion 4 years ago, hardly recent and not the same as being TTC for years without result. Just feels really patronising.

This will be painful for her. You never truly get over an abortion if you've been backed into a corner. I think you need to find empathy first her and dial down the pregnancy chat 💕

Sounds like you’re feeling hurt that you have given so much to this friend when she needed you and then you’re not getting the same level of care back.

I’ve had a similar experience with a friend who I’ve supported a lot over the years, but recently when I’ve needed support and she’s having a happier time she’s disappeared. I also got a bit of gaslighting when I challenged her on it. There’s more details but this isn’t my thread. I’m really angry to discover how one sided our friendship actually was. I started to see her as selfish and hypocritical as a result. And I don’t think it’s over the top to liken it to heartbreak, actually.

What’s helped me is to first accept that the friendship I thought I had might be gone, feel the anger and sadness and so on, then consider what is the friendship that is now on offer. Do I want that? She’s definitely not a person I want to or could share my deepest feelings with any more. But she’s still basically a nice person, we get on well, so we can meet up for days out every few months. I’m trying to treat it like I’ve lost one friend but I’ve gained a new one. It’s hard though, because the friend I lost was a gem.

Same!!

This is EXACTLY it. Throughout our friendship (we have always been very close, almost like sisters!), when she has gone through something even if it it doesn't affect me or I have views about it which may not align with how she feels, I have been there. I have reached out to her and been the support pillar she needed. I think people are forgetting that I have known this person for 13 years, and we are (were) VERY close. We used to text regularly and phone eachother and it isn't like I am making everything about being pregnant but since becoming pregnant it feels like I am carrying the friendship. She was a HUGE part of my life but now if I don't contact her I don't hear anything, and I have tried to express my feelings but she is either dismissive or claims nothing is wrong. The change in her demeanour is very noticeable. She's gone from one being this caring supportive person to being irritable and unsympathetic.

I am always being the understanding person, being like "oh they must be having a tough time" and seeing things from their perspective and never putting my own feelings first. But at this point, I REALLY needed my best friend and I feel disowned. People may say heartbreak is extreme but she and I had a very special sisterly bond and try as I might, it feels like it is gone.

She's right, others will ask you how you feel potentially but you having a baby is of no consequence to them - only the parents and possibly grandparents really care. You need to adjust your expectations

I think when your life shifts like this you will always lose people you're just going in separate directions and I'm sure she has her own demons to deal with from what you have said you being pregnant might be very different for her to witness . I would stop reaching out tbh she knows where you are . And is she really that good of a friend and someone you want in your life but f she can't be there for you when you really need her.

That is what babies do though. It's a while seperate life path.

This is what I am doing. I didn't respond at her last message when she was dismissive of my feelings, it's been over a week now which is long for us not having a text atleast. I have felt like I am carrying the friendship since becoming pregnant and now I need to stop that. I find it hard how accepting people are of "this what babies do" but then I see so many posts about women being lonely AF during pregnancy and it's no wonder. Shouldn't women be pulling together at such times?!

Here's the thing, your "shouldn't women be pulling together at such times?!" is not only based solely around what YOU need, but you are saying it after using her abortion as a possible way to explain her reaction to you. Shouldn't women not weaponise other women's choices??

Look, you are being dramatic. It's fine that you are, your hormones are doing donuts in your brain. You have/had HG I'm guessing which is truly shit and scary (but also common) and you are nervous because pregnancy is risky right up to birth. That is normal.

But you are also totally dismissive of your friend. She is your best friend who has tried saying your expectations of people are too high and from what you have said about feeling lonely (which cannot be down to one person) - maybe you are being a bit OTT. Pregnant women generally lean strongly on their partner/immediate family. Friends support, but they don't have to be interested in your pregnancy. Or your baby. If more than one friend is pulling away, maybe you are the 'problem' (I use that term loosely because you can be forgiven a lot for the hormonal stuff - my best mate was a lunatic when pg).

Have you asked her what's going on in her life? Maybe she is sparing you her stress.

Regardless, if you want to be super weird and just go from best mates to NO CONTACT because she isn't living up to your impossible, intangible friend standards, then that's totally fine. Your decision.

Contrary to what others are saying, your friend clearly has issues.
Pregnancy or not, she should have been worried if were in hospital.
Is her partner still stopping her having children when she wants them?
Was she a supportive friend before the pregnancy(or a fairweather friend and you hadn’t noticed)?

That said Ive mainly kept my pregnancy quiet as I dont really want to talk about it but friends Ive told supportive(, acquaintances/colleagues either full of advice or ‘oh thats nice’ and move on( which is fine by me).