No effort from grandparents

[charlottemariex]

Hello! I’m new here. Recently found out me and my husband are expecting our first baby and just coming out of the first trimester (finally!!)
he’s had quite a strained relationship with his parents for many years, they’ve done some pretty questionable things and treated us both not very nice.
we informed them we were pregnant and the reply was “ we’re already grandparents! “
they’ve made zero effort during the pregnancy to see how we are, despite knowing how sick I’ve been. They’ve told a family friend we want nothing to do with them and they’ll never see the grandchild.
I sent them a photo of our 8 week private scan as an olive branch, and received a reply. But still, no further effort has been made from them at all…

my question is, should we carry on sending them scan photos and updates every couple of months or leave it? Surely if they can’t be bothered during the pregnancy why should they be bothered when our baby is here?

Hang on so you said "we are expecting / pregnant" and they said "we are already grandparents", or did you say "you're going to be grandparents" and they said "we are already grandparents"? Just trying to decipher the level of twattiness. Either way, it isn't the nicest response to happy news, but still would make a difference! One just might be pedantry, while the other is a round rejection

I wouldn't send them scan photos and updates. You are barely pregnant by the sound of it but expected them to fall into ecstasies over it - despite the fact that you clearly don't have that kind of relationship.

And expecting other people - even relatives - to be desperately interested and involved in your (early) pregnancy is just weird frankly. Most people make polite noises, but little beyond that.

What do you expect them to be doing?

They can't really do much - you are the one that's pregnant - and I guess if you didn't really chat before you got pregnant why would you chat more now?

Your DH already had a strained relationship with his parents.

This isn't going to magically right itself just because you are having a baby.

In fact having them around all the time would probably be worse as then you are stuck making small talk with people you basically dislike.

Leave them alone, let your DH do all the communicating with them.

When you have the baby you will not want flaky/annoying/twatty people in your life, so I would have zero expectations of them now and if they come through then great but stop thinking about them. Don't send them scans or anything unless they ask. If they don't want a relationship with their GC when it arrives then that genuinely is their loss.

I'd leave it. I'm sorry if you were hoping that this pregnancy would help heal the rift though.

What effort do you expect in such early pregnancy OP?

Barely pregnant - she's at about 12 weeks. What sort of mood are you in??

It's not weird at all, lots of different families give different reactions. I've never met my husbands mum but when he mentioned it to her she knitted and sent me stuff to keep warm in winter with a congratuations card.

I would leave them for now, and let them approach you to ask you how things are. I've learned that life's too short to encourage people to be in your life who aren't that interested in being there.

Barely pregnant - she's at about 12 weeks. What sort of mood are you in??

Perhaps I'm just old! When I was pregnant you didn't usually tell people til at least 12 weeks, because of the risk of miscarriage. And you only got one scan at 20 weeks. Under 12 weeks, to me, means the pregnancy isn't showing, it's very early days and most people have probably not announced it to the world. I don't remember anyone being interested in mine or my friends pregnancies. No baby showers or any of that stuff! You barely got a flicker of interest until you were about 38 weeks and then strangers often asked 'When are you due?'

What are they supposed to do though??

This is a bit harsh, I've several friends and family members who ask for updates/to see scan pics etc.

OP I would leave it, seems like they've shown their true colours and I'd save your energy for people who are as happy and excited as you are.

I do think you are expecting a lot given how early on you are in pregnancy. But agree that their response was not nice.

You are pregnant, not 'we'.

Are they grandparents already, how did you phrase it?

What exactly do you want them to do?

My mother was beyond thrilled when I got pregnant. She bought a small stuffed animal. That was it until the baby was born.

I think you need to remove any expectations you have of them. You describe your relationship as strained but yet you expecting them to ask after your health when you are so early in pregnancy. It is unrealistic to think that pregnancy will have a healing effect on your relationship if their response is anything to go by.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

So for clarification, they already have two grandchildren hence why they said “we’re already grandparents”
I just don’t like the fact things have been said where they don’t think they’ll see the baby, they don’t think they’ll receive scan photos and updates etc
but if they really wanted to be a part of our lives, some effort on their part I feel wouldn’t go amiss at all. But there’s been none despite the olive branch I did.

Barely pregnant? Okay 😂😂 I know it’s early days but considering we’ve been trying for 3.5 years your comment is demoralising

💧Drip feed. You didn't mention that you have been trying for a long time for a baby and therefore expect people to be ecstatic for you that it's finally happened...

They've treated you both badly in the past and your husband has a strained relationship with them. Leave them alone. Why would you want to invite them to treat your future kid badly, too?

Your husband can communicate with them if he feels the need, its not your problem.

Aw OP of course you're not "barely pregnant".
Congratulations!

The trouble is that if they're not very nice people, they won't suddenly become nicer if you send them scan pictures, so I wouldn't bother.

I understand you're excited to be pregnant but your BF's parents don't want to know.

It's their loss. Is it because you're not married, maybe?

I understand they already have grandchildren but when they responded "we are already grandparents" what exactly were they responding to?

Because if the announcement was "I/we are pregnant/having a baby" then that makes them sound really disinterested and it's unkind.

But if you phrased it as "you're going to be grandparents" then tbh I can understand why they responded that way. If I l was having a second baby and someone commented that I was going to be a mum I would instinctively be offended on behalf of the son I already have and correct them. So I guess it's possible (if it was worded that way) that they took it as dismissive of their other grandchildren.

Either way I'd have expected them to quickly recover from that and be congratulatory. I just wonder if it was the wording that put a dampener on it.

Congratulations!

BTW did you realise that the Reply button on here doesn't work?

If you're trying to answer a post, you need to click on the three dots and select QUOTE.

I just feel so sorry for my husband. He’s always tried really hard with his parents, but it’s always been if we haven’t lived our lives how they want us to, it’s come under constant scrutiny and judgement
I think he was really hoping things would change now we are expecting our first baby. But they just haven’t

I think I am just very upset things have been said already by them to a family friend, but they’ve made zero effort to even try so far

@charlottemariex why are you even bothering with them???? some parents are a waste of space!