I'm a horrible mum! (Gender)

[HEFebery]

Hi - prepared to be told I'm awful but need to vent somewhere.

Currently pregnant with second child. First son will be around 5 when baby is born and this has come after years of secondary infertility and miscarriages.

Which is why I am so perplexed that I'm so anxious about the gender, and presuming I'm going to be upset if I find out it's another boy?!

Honestly makes no sense to me why I'm having these feelings. I adore being a boy mum and everything that comes along with it, and another boy would fit so easily into our life/I love the thought of two boys being best buds when they're older.

I guess I'm just hoping that when we have gender scan which we are likely to do again, if I find out it's a boy I'll be delighted and won't think about the no girl? Is it just because it's currently unknown?

Keep panicking that I'll cry and DH won't understand why, and keep looking at girls clothes longingly...

Has anyone got any experiences of feeling like this, and if so does it all go away the minute you find out either way?

Sorry! And thank you.

Honestly op you won't care... I was told a dd. After 5 ds's in a row it was a shocker. When a very beautiful ds appeared after an awful back to back labour I really wasn't bothered.. Absolutely stunned but not in a negative way.. Just stunned!!

@Needtogrowsproutsfordecember

This is what I'm thinking, when it comes to it I'll be delighted either way?

Keep googling boys clothes and names etc to pull me into being just as excited for a boy. Surprised myself I feel this way - didn't expect to! Mind you, first trimester hormones also not helping I imagine.

Thank you for replying.

There's nothing wrong with hoping for a girl and even being disappointed if your baby is another boy. You can't help how you feel. Yes, of course the main thing is that the baby arrives with health, but it's not wrong for wanting one of each or whatever.

It's not something you can control though, so just try to relax if you can and enjoy the ride :)

Most of us have some kind of preconceptions about gender which aren't exactly helpful or accurate.

Before your child is born you know this one thing about them - their sex - which is why I think it's easy to get hung up on.

But the reality is that this one thing is going to be 0.000001% of who your child turns out to be.

Why do you assume that a boy will be your son's 'best bud' but a girl wouldn't? Where does that come from? Two boys might fight and hate one another - a girl and a boy might be best friends. Or vice versa.

The truth is you don't know. Knowing the sex doesn't really mean you know anything about your child or who they will be. It just means you know their sex. So what?

Just try to relax and enjoy the ride of getting to know who they'll be.

it's sex. Your future child can express their gender in any way they chose.

@Daisies12 thanks..

Think we all understand the nuance of gender/sex and the point I was trying to make. still won't effect me buying a bloody pink or blue babygrow for a newborn will it haha!

You could not find out and at the point you arrive you are just so pleased to have a baby that there isn't all that pressure and potential for feeling upset before the baby is here.

REALLY?!

There's always AT LEAST 1 in these kinds of threads. We all know what the OP means - stop being so bloody pedantic!

OP, you're not a horrible parent at all. I'm sure many of us have had a sex preference - I hate to admit it, but I always wanted a wee girl (I have one and she's 2 now). However, having a boy would've been just as wonderful I'm sure.

I’m assuming you’re not planning more after this baby? Could that be why you’re feeling down about the thought of not having a girl because it’s an experience you won’t have?

You’ve probably just thought the one of each would be nice type thing that lots of us do. Including me. I also have 2 boys. You’ll be fine x

There isn’t a nuance - they are two separate things! I know where you’re coming from OP, I felt the same when I was pregnant with DC2 when our son was 2. I’m ashamed to say I bought into the whole gender ideology and had preconceived ideas of what my sons and daughter would do, how they would behave, the relationship I would have with them and so on. Of course, none of them have materialised and I have very different, very lovely relationships with each of them (they’re 27, 25 and 17 now) and they’re all treading their own unique paths. The male and female friends and partners that have come through their lives have brought new perspectives, challenges and joys too.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for hoping for one sex over the other, but remember they will bring their own joy regardless 😊

I think it's just a sense of a door closing for good, which can override the rational part of your brain which knows that two boys will be lovely and you'll be delighted really. If you've always planned to have two and you don't intend to have more then there's a little bit of grief that you'll never have a daughter (and the same if you have two girls that you'll never have a son). It's a bit of a 'what if' thing I think, not genuine disappointment. I have one son and I think I'd feel a little bit the same if I had a second boy.

Boys baby clothes used to be so meh, but there’s so much out there now and I follow a few mums on TikTok who mixes it up using some clothes from the girls section for her beautiful son.

Two of the same sex is great. My two are so very different , just as people but they are the same sex.

Maybe don't find out the sex, then you have that rush of love and bonding at the birth whoever arrives.

Good luck with everything.

Just please be grateful your baby will be healthy doesn't matter about sex, it called gender disappointment totally normal

I’m finding it really hard to get baby boy clothes for my DS due soon. I don’t want everything to be murky blues, beiges and browns. I would much rather brighter colours and I’m hoping the shops will start stocking more colour before he’s due in April. The ones I’ve seen and loved have been from Jojo Maman Bebe but I can’t afford £20+ per babygrow or outfit.

Here we go

Two boys is fab. Mine are 3.5 and 11 months. Couldn't imagine ds2 any other way. I'm sure you'll be the same if you have two little boys.

Thank you all - genuinely!

For some crazy reason I kept every single outfit/piece of clothing from ds1 so not boy clothing issues here haha! and he's the most amazing little man and I know will be the best big brother to either/or..

I think those who have mentioned final child thoughts have hit the nail on the head. 99.999% this will be my last and have such a wonderful adult female relationship with my mum I think that has been playing on my mind. On the flip side of that - really good "friends" with my dad as well!

It's so tough isn't it, I'm a normal rational person when non pregnant, I promise 😂

I'm not finding out what we're having as I'm frightened I'll be upset and disappointed. This is our second and last baby and our first is a boy.

I've always wanted a girl and just assumed I've have one the first time round so was surprised when we were told our son was a girl. It took a while to get my head around it but 'there's always next time' consoled me. Now that safety net is gone. If this baby is a boy I'll never have a daughter, ever, and will always be jealous of people who - in my eyes - got lucky.

I also feel like there's a lot of weight on this baby to be a girl because there are currently six boys in the family and zero girls.

I'm under perinatal mental health for other reasons but this was a topic I've discussed with them a few times and they've assured me they hear it a lot. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum, OP.

As a caveat, I'm autistic so have some very black and white views on certain topics.

In the nicest way possible OP, don’t pin your hopes on having a wonderful, easy relationship with a DD! I love my daughter to bits, but oh my word, her brothers have been a doddle in comparison! 😂 The different personalities shine through, that’s for sure.

I have 2 dds and j llve them with almost that I am but my god the drama,my nephews were so much more chilled all through childhood.

Teach me to proofread..meant to say I have 2 dds who I love with all that I am.

I was a bit ‘oh…’ finding out we were having DD2 because I was convinced she was a boy. There was a tiny bit of mourning for the boy I thought I was having. This pregnancy, I was a bit ‘oh…’ finding out it’s a DS because he’s definitely our last and I had a third girl name I loved plus a whole attic full of gorgeous clothes I won’t get to use again. We’re excited for a boy though and he’s the first grandson on both sides, my side being mostly girls for couple of generations now.

Why don't you let yourself be surprised? In that way, you will be too caught up in the whole taking care of the newborn that it doesn't really matter. We loved not finding out and prolonging the surprise element.

I have the same thought - I would prefer a girl because I love the relationship I have with my mum and would love to have that one day with my own child. I’ve had a chat with my mum though and she says she has a different bond/relationship with my brother that’s not the same as ours but equal in strength. As other posters have said - you also have no idea how your relationship with any child is going to pan out!

I suppose because you can only go off of how you feel/experience a relationship that it’s natural to have a leaning towards what’s familiar.