Ok so I started working for a small cosmetics business back in May. It was originally meant to be a part time placement to get me into work then turned into more days including one paid day a week. I get decent pay for what I do and on top of disability benefits it helps. Hubby works too and earns a decent wage for his hours. After a stressful few years this job was one element of glueing my life back together (badly held back in life by various people with my disability and past mistakes used against me). I’ve always wanted kids and so has my husband. I do wish I’d met him much sooner and not wasted time or had my time wasted as I’m early 30’s so we started TTC last year expecting it to take much longer and having to fight for treatment.
I love my job and from get go I was doing pretty well. Learned new things and brushed up on skills by practising on other junior colleagues and clients. Yes I did make some minor mistakes but everyone does and we learn from them. Everything was really falling into place in my work. Expert training was lined up for me in October so I could carry out expert treatments on clients. I was buzzing. Once I found out I was pregnant in July I was happy because I’ve wanted a child. My intentions were to go back to work after May leave once my child is 6 or 7 months and into a strict routine. Well pregnancy exhaustion wiped me out especially in early pregnancy causing my ADHD to be worse not helped by thyroid being out of hack again. Add lots of worry that gathered in my head about things getting bad again like they did nearly 3 years ago and worrying over a support network I need to raise my child but might not get or be strained because of drama. This caused me to make more mistakes because physically and mentally I was drained and I have done my best to address and fix them which I feel I’ve improved. During this pregnancy I’ve beat myself up and got so angry at myself. I’ve had more low mood especially in work. I feel so inadequate now compared to how I felt in June and with my visual problems I feel I’ll struggle to find a job in this much loved industry. Before pregnancy I had a lot of training but now new girls and others have taken the training and my only way of getting better and getting to do clients is bring in my own but a lot of people let me down. I’ve done what I can to improve my mistakes and have come on leaps and bounds these past couple of months. I still feel dread for Tuesday though as I may not be seen as good enough. Yes they have been supportive and helped me with things but the training opportunities for last October I couldn’t do because of pregnancy as it involves working with cosmetic machines to carry out treatments which is understandable but if I had the choice to train which then I still would regardless of my pregnancy.
all this stressing and other stuff going on is making it hard to bond with my unborn son and making me regret falling pregnant. I feel if I lose my job on Tuesday then I’ll completely detach from him and consider giving him up. I’m sorry that sounds horrible and I know how lucky I am to be pregnant as babies are blessings and I did want one but only if they are raised in a lovely family with a good support network.