Sharing pregnancy news with those struggling/unable to concieve

[PopQuizz]

Hi all!

We've made it to 12 weeks and are seeing some friends later, good friends who have been very supportive of our journey to getting our little miracle. However these friends have unfortunately been unsuccessful with IVF. I know they will be over the moon for us but I'm so worried about telling them in any way that might upset them.

I guess it is a given they will be personally upset, most likely not in front of us, as I know that is how I used to feel every time I heard news, and I know it doesn't relate to how they will be pleased for us as well it is always two separate emotions. But I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to phrase it in the least painful way for them?

TIA x

Congratulations 😊 From what I have seen of peoples Instagram accounts/blogs that have fertility issues they all say to send a text before hand to let them know gently and not to do it face to face. This then gives them time to feel as they wish without having anyone there watching. Then when you meet up it will be more comfortable for everyone? Hope all goes well ❤️

This.
congratulations!

Congrats! Send a text in advance, it gives them time to process it privately and be prepared to see you. Keep it short and simple. Don't send a scan photo! Can be very triggering, and totally unnecessary. And when you see them, let them lead on any discussion around the pregnancy.

Definitely do it by text first. It gives them time to process it. Also agree not to send scan photos.

Saying this as someone who has been on both sides of this.

I would agree send a text in advance rather than dropping a face to face bombshell. I have had 12 years of pregnancy announcements, some friends have effortlessly had multiple kids whilst we have been struggling, it's hard there's no denying it but I would never want to take anyone else's joy and happiness away from them and I'm sure your friends will be delighted for you especially knowing you have had issues yourselves. It just needs to be handled sensitively which it sounds like you are doing.
I'm 16 weeks now and have recently told work, a colleague came to congratulate me and then opened up about her own struggles to conceive there are so many people struggling and suffering that just don't talk about it. Makes me really sad tbh

I asked a close friend's advice on this. She said don't do big group announcements (in person or on WhatsApp groups). Send individual texts.

Absolutely don’t tell them face to face. That’s horrible. It means they have to react in front of you, on the spot.

I'm childless due to fertility issues. I'm 57 now and post hysterectomy so the ship is long gone!

Yes it was a knife in my heart when others told me they were pregnant but I smiled and congratulated them, and kept telling myself it's not their fault they can have babies and I can't. I especially got jealous if the friend got pregnant either very easily (the friend who knew the dad as a mate and had a one night stand with him) or with a hell of a lot of planning when I couldn't even do it "normally" (my colleague who was in a same sex relationship. To ensure the baby was 'both of theirs' her partner donated the egg, there was donor sperms, the fertilised ovum was then implanted in my colleague's uterus and she carried it. They did it the other way round for the second pregnancy).

My brother did send me a card before his wife's pregnancy was announced to warn me. While his intentions were good and he meant well, I found it a bit patronising tbh and upset me more than if they'd just said it. A brief text might be easier.

Tbh after having a hysterectomy in 2015 I found it much easier to accept. Now there's absolutely no chance of pregnancy for me when I hear of others, I find it much easier to be pleased for them. The mind works in mysterious ways.

I think you have left it a bit late tbh if you are seeing them later. You haven’t given them time to cancel graciously with a made-up double booking if the news is too much for them to cope with.

i would send them a text asap and make sure they know that if they need time to process your news, that’s fine.

I would see them today as normal and not mention it, then send a text next week.

My SIL told my partner and I face to face when we were trying. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them but it just felt like a punch to the stomach. I hugged them, said congrats etc then ran to the toilet and burst into tears. I could never put another couple through that

Text them and tell them now OP and tell them its fine if they need time to process the news and want to cancel today. If they don't cancel today give brief details e.g. due date but change the topic and take their mind off it.

Forget what I said, this is better. Act normal today and text afterwards

Yes probably a better approach

i found out a couple was expecting a baby when I had just lost mine about a month before. They sent a nice, gentle text but it was the day we were all going for a curry together.

yes, I found out ‘gently’ but there was no way I could sit and eat peshwari naan with them and her 0% cobra beer so soon. I felt very pressured to go, so got ready and put on a brave face but then had to cancel at the last minute.

Oh no, not this! I was just talking to my sister about this. We both agreed it is MUCH worse when friends withhold information, it just messes with the trust and confidence in the friendship on TOP of everything else.

I think it would also mess with the friendship to drop a bombshell like that and then expect them to meet normally later. What a lovely Friday night for them

she either needs to withhold and then tell them at a time where there is no pressure OR tell them, and give them an ‘out’ so they can cancel later if need be.

Two musts - never break news face to face. Never send scan pictures.

I would text now but break news sensitively eg I know this is going to be hard to hear and hurt you and I’m sorry for that. I’m pregnant. We are just starting to tell people this week after 12 week scan. I am here for you and I completely understand if you need to postpone meeting.

Unless you are willing to delay telling everyone and it won’t be obvious eg not drinking when you normally would then I wouldn’t take approach of meeting and acting normal then breaking news next week. Too high risk they find out another way and that can be so hurtful as while it’s like a punch to the gut to hear you still don’t want to feel ostracised or that your best friend no longer feels can share with you as that feels like another loss on top of everything else.

I think it’s really shitty to drop a bombshell a couple of hours before meeting face to face.

I wouldn't do this. I think that's more hurtful that you've kept it from them when you met up. it's not going to make the news any less painful, if you withhold it.

but it's not a "bombshell" if the others know they've been trying?

All my friends who have struggled with infertility have said how awful it is to be told in person.

Of course it’s a bombshell to find out your friend has a little baby growing inside of them a few hours before they are supposed to meet

’trying’ doesn’t mean anything. As this couple going through IVF know.

I think you have skipped over the fact that they are meeting up TODAY

hiding news in this context would mean to tell everyone except them because you feel awkward- not simply ‘not mentioning it’ because you don’t want to put pressure on them before a social event

OP needs to delay the telling of news OR give them an out so they can cancel

you can’t tell someone who is infertile you are pregnant however ‘gently’ and expect them to meet you happily for cocktails and mocktails a few hours later. That’s tone deaf.

Thanks all for the advice. They will definitely ask so I think sending a text beforehand will be the best option. I'll do that now!

I should say I am speaking from experience of 5 failed IVF and still on fertility journey while friends pregnant with first and now second babies. The closest friends I’ve maintained great relationships with (and been part of their children’s lives now) broke it in way I’ve quoted with a sensitive text and offer of some space.

Deffo send a text in advance