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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Grandparent reaction to pregnancy/ spending time with children

31 replies

Beckyjj93 · 23/12/2023 15:59

Hey, feeling rather deflated so just thought I'd rant on here. Sorry if this is long but Thankyou in advance if you do read this. I have 4 children and currently pregnant with baby number 5. I'm 30 and my partners 31. I haven't spoken to my family for years because of issues I won't go into but they weren't safe around my children. Only my partners mother is somewhat involved in my children's life. Backstory is that she used to see the kids almost every week for one day, but this was only because the kids were getting upset with her messing about and promising to see them and then not doing so, so we had a pretty big argument that led to the agreement of her seeing 2 children one week and then 2 children the next, in which we would walk them 3-4 miles to her house every week. Couple of years down the line and we're now at the point where she hasn't had them over or even asked to see them in over a year, no fault of our own, she just for whatever reason hasn't bothered. My oldest boy has asked her if he can see her but she keeps making excuses every time we have mentioned this to her. My children are obviously getting older and realising that she's not bothering and they keep asking me why. What do I say to them? There's only so much I can say such as she's busy with work etc. But they're not stupid. Also, we had Christmas cards especially made to tell the news of our new baby arriving in the new year, which we thought would be a special way of telling people the news and all we got from her was a text saying "why". Does anyone else find this particularly rude? I was pretty upset and annoyed if I'm honest because we never ask her or anyone else on his side of the family for anything, we keep to ourselves and we tried our hardest to tell people in a special way with the personalised cards and now I'm thinking to myself why did we even bother wasting the money on the cards? I feel like we always try and make an effort yet she somewhat shoves it back at us and this time it's really annoyed me and wondering wether we should even include her in this new baby's life if this is how she's always going to be. Are anyone else's partners parents the same way? Is this what family really is? Why did she have to spoil our excitement by saying something like that? I just don't understand 😔

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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DustyLee123 · 23/12/2023 16:06

You say that you don’t ask her for anything, yet you’re asking her to have your kids.
Just enjoy your own little family, don’t ask/expect anything from anyone else so you can’t be disappointed.

Original poster

Beckyjj93 · 23/12/2023 16:15

Wow, supportive, thanks. We've Only mentioned it to her Because my children constantly ask to see her, never is it for our own benefit, I never ask her to "have them". Its us who has to deal with them being upset over them Knowing their grandparents don't want to bother. But yeah sure, I guess familys don't want to be familys in this day and age. Again thanks for your supportive input, I'll be sure to make sure my children have nothing to do with their immediate family from now on.

OP posts:

Longbarn5 · 23/12/2023 16:18

Congratulations on the new pregnancy but I guess five is quite a lot. At the end of the day it is your business and you do, as you say, keep yourselves and dont rely on others or, presumably, the state to provide for you all. I think your partners mum probably just said why because she was thinking that you already have four and providing for children is expensive.
She is likely thinking why do you need five when you could have had two or three and had more cash/time to spread around. A lot of people may well think the issue but, like I say, it is your business only.
As far as explaining to your children partner's mum being reluctant to see them. I would just say that people are all very different. They go through strange moods and get some odd ideas sometimes and that she has moments/periods where she needs thinking space.
I wish you a safe Happy New arrival in 2024.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 23/12/2023 16:21

I agree that the “why?” Message was rude, but equally I think it was naive to think that, at the age of 30 with 4 children already, that wasn’t going to be what people think.

I think what you need to do is find something that works for all of you. My mum lives 250 miles away, she only sees my children once every 6 weeks or so but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a good relationship with her or are close.

can you FaceTime her? Mine love to FaceTime my mum and show her their rooms and stuff they’ve done and talk about their day etc. As they get older you have to facilitate it less, but if I do the phone, my 6 year old can happily chat for hours.

how about meeting up somewhere half way between? Soft play? The park? Closer for both of you and less pressurised?

PrimalOwl10 · 23/12/2023 16:26

I'm suprised at the cards with baby number five tbh not many people are interested after the 1st or 2nd but not 5. You cannot change her involvement in your childrens lives.

YoBeaches · 23/12/2023 17:45

Do you ever see her when it's not about her looking good after the kids? Like do you have her over for an afternoon or for lunch or dinner?

There is probably missing information but it sounds like you've been dropping 2 kids up every weekends, and she doesn't want to donor anymore!

Agree with the cards tbf baby no. 5 no-one is really as I ate rested as you might be.

Beckafett · 23/12/2023 17:48

I can see why you feel upset but you can't control how other people feel. Could you maybe write to her to say how much the children miss her?

PuffinMcStuffin · 23/12/2023 17:49

Your reaction to the first comment tells everyone what they need to know in this instance.
Focus on your children.

Dacadactyl · 23/12/2023 17:51

I think YABU.

Krampussy · 23/12/2023 17:54

That's a hell of a lot of kids.

If this was a family member of mine I'd be politely supportive, but I'd really be worrying about how you're going to afford it and what their quality of life would be, I.e house size, food costs, child activities etc.

Happinessischeeseontoast · 23/12/2023 17:58

What does seeing them for one day per week entail? It sounds like you dropped a couple of kids off once per week and she didn't want that anymore. Why not invite her along on your family days out, invite her to dinner, meet at the park. This could be what you've meant it's just the way you've worded it it sounds a bit shit if she's still working full time and then was having to have 2-4 kids every weekend. I know already I won't want to do that when I'm a grandparent!

Another reason why this jumps out as the reason is the fact she said why when you announced the 5th pregnancy. It sounds like she thinks you can't manage the 4 you have and that was why you would rely on her so heavily on weekends.

Hayliebells · 23/12/2023 18:04

To message ‘why’ like that, with nothing else, is very rude, but I can understand their thought process. Tbh I’d be quite worried if one of my own children had five children by the age of 31. I mean the worry would probably start much earlier, but I’d too be thinking “why?” about the 5th. Unless they were for some reason really wealthy and could very easily afford appropriate housing/childcare/domestic help etc, I don’t think I’d be very supportive of that choice (and even if so, it’s very young to have that many children). I’d probably have approached it differently though. A single word text isn’t really appropriate.

Saschka · 23/12/2023 18:10

Your children are only mithering to see her because you have set those expectations - if they thought it was normal to see her Christmas and birthdays only, they wouldn’t ask. I assume they aren’t also asking to see your parents?

And one day of childcare per week is a huge ask. It really is, even if it is “just” two children one week and the other two the next.

Invite her over to yours once a month, with no expectations that she does any childcare. That is a completely normal level of family contact, and your children will be happy with that if you present it as normal.

Peepshowcreepshow · 23/12/2023 18:10

Grandparents are not professional child care. You may choose to have lots of children but not many people want to or even could look after so many. It's not about not wanting family, but your choice is pretty niche.

noaddedsugarx · 24/12/2023 13:20

You can’t force someone to make an effort unfortunately. I agree with what other posters have said maybe invite her over to yours or to do things together rather than the expectation of taking the children and leaving them at her house.

Responding why was rude but I also think 5 children is excessive! I think after baby number 3 people tend to lose their excitement. Maybe she thinks it will be even more pressure on her knowing that their other grandparents are not involved.

wudubelieveit · 24/12/2023 13:44

does your partner see his mum at all ,is he bothered about her not seeing his kids? if his relationship with his own mum is not there then its unlikely she will feel much connection to her grandkids. sadly many families are not close and it takes a lot of effort on both sides to make family anything more than a random set of people if there aren't strong bonds.

willingtolearn · 24/12/2023 13:58

I think she is doing you the courtesy to say out loud what many other people will be thinking.

It is of course your choice how many children you have.

Other people will still have opinions about that, depending on how well they know you and your family.

Knowing you not at all, I also wonder 'why' but maybe you have the resources, patience, time and skills to manage all your children in a manner that is beneficial to them and their futures.

Presumably your mother in law knows you quite well..

ginasevern · 24/12/2023 14:00

Why have you got 5 kids? Is it a cultural thing?

pinkdelight · 24/12/2023 14:12

we tried our hardest to tell people in a special way with the personalised cards and now I'm thinking to myself why did we even bother wasting the money on the cards?

This is a bit of an odd approach to a fifth DC. I can see it being a special thing to tell people the first time around, and nice enough for a second but then you're just in the realm of another one and another one, which doesn't mean the child won't be a special individual but it's not special news to other people in a personalised card announcement way. You must know a chunk of people will roll their eyes and wonder at your life choices so I'd try to be more robust and less naive about it.

The rest of it seems like part of the complicated relationship you have with her. Just saying 'why' is rude for sure, and you could be glad that she doesn't have more contact if she's going to be like that. It's sad for the kids but I guess they've got plenty of siblings to make up for it.

pinkdelight · 24/12/2023 14:13

Also this we would walk them 3-4 miles to her house every week is also an odd detail. If you couldn't drive/use public transport that's your look out, not their fault or something to put onto them.

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 24/12/2023 14:18

I also was wondering why you walked them 3 - 4 miles to see her.

Is there no public transport, could you not get a taxi, do you not have a car?

Walking suggests money isn't abundant in your household, if that's the case her rather blunt 'why' might be because she's wondering why you're having another child if things are tight.

Maybe she stopped seeing them because she disagrees with them having to walk 4 miles to see her every other week.

Maybe she didn't appreciate being free childcare on one of her days off.

As others have suggested, ask her to come with you on a day out, or come to yours for dinner or something.

Floatinginatincan · 24/12/2023 14:22

It was a bit off if her to say it, but you have to acknowledge it's probably what most people are thinking. If a close friend or family member told me they were expecting baby #5 my 1st reaction would be why?, are you fucking crazy!. How about telling her the kids miss her &,set up a weekly FaceTime call?

BuernBuern · 24/12/2023 14:38

MN is awfully judgemental about family sizes and makes enormous presumptions about income. There are plenty with adequate income with inadequate parenting skills, and plenty who do a better job with 5 than those who only have one or two.

That said, it sounds like there is probably some back story here. Whatever the situation, however, I'm sorry you feel let down by family. We all want to feel loved, supported and celebrated by our families. Focus your energies inwards and just make sure your children don't feel as you do right now.

user14699084786 · 24/12/2023 14:39

Unless you have lottery win type wealth, I think Why? Is going to be most peoples reaction.
If you were my family or friend I’d be worrying about your future and the future of the children. Little kids may be looked after cheaply but teenagers cost a fortune…what if your DH ups and leaves, or what if one of you (or new baby) has health issues.

Also 4, let alone 5 are a lot to look after. My BIL and SIL had one, who we babysat regularly, then they had two who we had less often, then once they had a third…it was just too much. I didn’t feel we could look after them safely, it was more like crowd control, no fun at all for anyone involved!
You might feel you can cope with lots of kids but not everyone enjoys the chaos and noise a crowd of kids brings, so the having 2 of them at a time idea wasn’t unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/12/2023 14:43

Do you ever invite her round for lunch? Does your partner go and see her? It’s up to you to manage your children’s expectations, not her. Maybe if you put some effort in to seeing her without wanting her to have your DC she might soften up a bit.

The “why” is very curt and I can see why you’re hurt.

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