Grandparent reaction to pregnancy/ spending time with children

[Beckyjj93]

Hey, feeling rather deflated so just thought I'd rant on here. Sorry if this is long but Thankyou in advance if you do read this. I have 4 children and currently pregnant with baby number 5. I'm 30 and my partners 31. I haven't spoken to my family for years because of issues I won't go into but they weren't safe around my children. Only my partners mother is somewhat involved in my children's life. Backstory is that she used to see the kids almost every week for one day, but this was only because the kids were getting upset with her messing about and promising to see them and then not doing so, so we had a pretty big argument that led to the agreement of her seeing 2 children one week and then 2 children the next, in which we would walk them 3-4 miles to her house every week. Couple of years down the line and we're now at the point where she hasn't had them over or even asked to see them in over a year, no fault of our own, she just for whatever reason hasn't bothered. My oldest boy has asked her if he can see her but she keeps making excuses every time we have mentioned this to her. My children are obviously getting older and realising that she's not bothering and they keep asking me why. What do I say to them? There's only so much I can say such as she's busy with work etc. But they're not stupid. Also, we had Christmas cards especially made to tell the news of our new baby arriving in the new year, which we thought would be a special way of telling people the news and all we got from her was a text saying "why". Does anyone else find this particularly rude? I was pretty upset and annoyed if I'm honest because we never ask her or anyone else on his side of the family for anything, we keep to ourselves and we tried our hardest to tell people in a special way with the personalised cards and now I'm thinking to myself why did we even bother wasting the money on the cards? I feel like we always try and make an effort yet she somewhat shoves it back at us and this time it's really annoyed me and wondering wether we should even include her in this new baby's life if this is how she's always going to be. Are anyone else's partners parents the same way? Is this what family really is? Why did she have to spoil our excitement by saying something like that? I just don't understand 😔

The why text is a bit rude. I just think you have to accept that for whatever reason she doesn't want to be involved in childcare, can you send a text suggesting a meet up where you stay so she isn't expected to manage the kids.

I don't have children but surely as a GP the best bit is not having full responsibility, she has done all the hard work and maybe wants a break now.

Whats your employment situation like! Finances? Housing?

5 kids is too much. A lot of people will be thinking "why?"

I also picked up on the walking 3-4 miles to see her. If this is because you can't afford a car, I'm afraid I would very much be thinking "why?" as well.

Firstly, a car is a lot cheaper than bringing up a child. So if you can't afford a car, I'm not sure how you can afford another child.

Secondly, a car would be of much more value to your children's lives than another sibling.

So yeah, whilst "why" isn't a great response, based on what you've written, I can see where she might be coming from.

I have experienced this with my own family and had arguments of this nature. It's not about me offloading, but about them being present, then not present in kids lives. You are right, people are selfish in this day and age, society tells everyone to out themselves first, and grandparents don't want to be grandparents anymore. Anyway, what I've learnt is to accept that that's the way things are, and enjoy my own little family. You will soon start to see people sniffing around again as the kids get older, and less of a handful, and when they are getting elderly and want some company. Until then just live your life without expectations, this has helped me to get over the lack of support/help.

The text was rude but to be fair, if you were one of my kids, I would be asking why too

To be honest 5 kids by the time you are 31 most people would judge. Also making them walk that far seems very unfair. Can't you get a bus or can you not afford that?