Due near SIL's wedding

[tmt93]

Hi all,

Have recently found out I'm expecting and DD is looking like a week before SIL's wedding. I already know I'm going to push for planned c-section (I have my reasons, please no judgement) so hoping DC will be 2-3 weeks old. Am I being ambitious by wanting to be there? I don't want to upset anyone and I know she'd make a big thing if I can't make it. Anyone else been to a wedding that soon and made it work?

Thanks in advance!

How far from home is the venue?

About 3 hours but we have booked to stay at the hotel venue. We'd originally booked a few nights before but think we would have to drive up on the day for ease.

Don’t plan to be there if it’s just to stop someone kicking off. You and the baby need to be your number 1 & 2 priorities.

If you can't go, you can't go.

I cannot abide these emotionally incontinent drama queens who "kick off" if things don't do their way.

Tough luck, SIL.

You might feel amazing and want to show baby off but you might not. You really can't plan, just take it one day at a time. It's not as easy as everyone thinks but with support and planning it is possible.

Is it your first DC? I have had 3 c-sections and it was a while back but they liked to do them at 39 weeks ideally so not sure if you will be able to book one in earlier.

I recovered really well but honestly wouldn't have felt like travelling one or 2 weeks later and if you are planning on bf - well again it won't be ideal.

These things happen.

I'd tell SiL you're going to wait and see closer to the event depending on how your pregnancy and birth goes. Your DH can go and take kids and it's only one meal they'd pay for and not possibly get eaten. My babies all had jaundice after birth and had to stay in hospital for 6 or 7 days each and as I was breastfeeding on demand I stayed in with them.

My amazing DIL was a bridesmaid at her friends wedding when her first DS was three weeks old. They had a room at the venue and I looked after the baby there while she nipped back to breastfeed as needed. I'm not saying that everyone would be able to do this, but it is possible.

I think it is the 3 hours travel time that will be the issue to be honest. You would need to factor in lots of breaks etc.

This.

Thanks everyone. It would be first baby. I hope she'd understand, especially as we suffered a loss last year, but honestly I think she'll think I'm trying to steal her thunder.

I think my ideal solution would be to send DH off for a couple of days and have my mum up. I'm sure I wouldn't be missed and her brother would be there, but sure she would take great pleasure over the years reminding me I'd missed it!

We're not going to tell her about the pregnancy until 12 weeks anyway as there's still plenty of time for bad news (cynical I know) and we don't want to cause upset before we know all the facts.

Omg I think you’d be crazy to go. Three weeks after my first baby I was a crying hormonal mess, still heavily bleeding, and struggling to establish feeding.

You'll need to factor in lots of breaks for the journey A newborn can only be in the carseat for 30 minutes so it would end up being a long journey

your SIL’s wedding doesn’t trump your health or your baby’s health.

People get married all the time. And in between them booking a wedding and the wedding taking place, life happens for all the people the couple want to invite.

You are now pregnant. Unlike weddings, you can’t actually plan these things to the day. Nor can you know what will and not be possible with a newborn.

My youngest was a toddler when my sister got married. He was ill on the day of the wedding and we had to take him back home just after the ceremony. That’s life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your SIL makes a fuss, she’s in the wrong. The world doesn’t revolve around her. Nor is your presence pivotal to her getting married. In fact, people like this will just make a fuss anyway if you go and people are busy fussing over the newborn rather than giving them all the attention.

You can’t win. So don’t even try!

Anyone banging on about thunder stealing needs to get a grip in general.

Stop worrying about this stuff.

Just as a heads up, elective sections are getting pushed closer and closer to due date these days (gone are the days of a 38 weeker unless medical need), I think there has been some evidence that those last days are beneficial (my friend recently had one at 39+3) for baby to be in so you may not have a baby that’s 2/3 weeks. Plus it’s a bit of a distance to travel so recently after a section when you won’t be that mobile. Personally I would bow out, and if she gets the hump that her problem. I went to a distance wedding with a five week old, no section and honestly it wasn’t great and we were staying at my parents, I probably wouldn’t do it again!

It is absolutely impossible to predict at this stage. You don't know how the pregnancy and birth will go, or when they will happen. You don't know how you will feel.

I think you should be aiming to go, but realistic about what might be achievable. And also consider what, if anything, you can put in place to help you. eg, can your mum come with you and will your finances stretch to booking a room for her from now so that if you do go, she's around and perhaps can have the baby for an hour or two at a time? Ditto, is she going to be around in general so that if your DH lands up going by himself, and is out for at least 2 days, are you going to be okay at home alone.

DC1 was a nightmare baby and DC2 was quite easy. I think however that I could have coped with a trip like this with both after about 2 weeks - including after a c section. But I would have struggled with DC1 in the 5-8 week zone.

I think your solution of sending DH and you staying at home is a good idea.

C section recovery can be tough. It's not just about the wound healing, your whole body is likely to be exhausted from healing (based on friends experience you've had both, more so than with a v birth).

I had a very good recovery from EMCS, but by 1 week I was only just able to do a 15 min walk around the village, followed by a 2 hour nap. By 2 weeks I could walk for 30-60 mins but my scar ached and I was exhausted. Plus if you're trying to establish breastfeeding.... I just don't think a wedding is where you will want to be a 2 weeks post partum.

As pp said, regardless of how you feel, the 3 hour journey will be tricky with a newborn. The guidance is maximum 2 hours in car seat, but at that age I wouldn't like to have them in the seat much longer than 30-45 mins at a time.

Stay home, enjoy the time with your new baby and let your mum look after you 💕

You're just going to have to play it by ear, but personally I think it'll be too difficult. Your plan of sending your DH on his own and your mum coming to stay with you sounds the best way forward

You're all very lovely, thank you. I think that's decision made. Hopefully things will progress smoothly - we have an early scan end of December so hoping for some good news then!

Don’t make a big thing about the announcement and just say yes you’re still coming and leave it at that. Keep the room booked and just drop out at last minute if you think she’s going to make an issue of it. Dbaby may be a bit off colour on the day so you’re staying at home and send DH to attend and stay over. No drama. She can hardly kick off on the morning of the wedding as her baby niece /nephew is unable to come- she’ll be too busy/ excited/ bridezillaring something else

Is your SIL really going to cause a fuss about this?

Your plan for your DH to go to his sister’s wedding and your mum to come stay is perfectly reasonable!

No one can know whether you’ll be up to it or not. It’s definitely possible that you could attend (for some, might not be possible for you!) but whether it’s advisable or enjoyable is another matter.

To be honest I don't think you can plan on being their after a c section, it's major surgery (after a natural delivery it's a possibility, I travelled at 11 days 3 hours no problem but I didn't even need stitches.

I took my newborn to a wedding a couple of weeks after a C section. It was fairly close though so I just went for the ceremony and home before the wedding breakfast. It was fine.

with my second I left her with my parents overnight and went to a wedding when she was 4 weeks and after a c section, that was fine too!

so I’d say there’s a good chance it’ll be ok, but really you never know until the time.

The problem is that it's completely variable. I had a "natural" nothing felt natural about it with midwives yelling, in theatre and what felt like 50000 stitches after with DS but was extremely uncomfortable after. The stitches hurt, I'd been in labour for a long time so was exhausted and now had a new born etc.

With DD, I technically had an emergency c section but it was during induction and they whipped her out after the induction did nothing and she then went into distress so I hadn't had hours of labour and it was all very civilised. I was out and about at a softly party for DS, with DD, about 10 days post partum with no issues whatsoever.

OP - you can't plan definitively now. As it's a family wedding, I think it's worth doing your best to be there and planning accordingly, but with the full knowledge that it might not work out as you simply don't know exactly when the baby will be born, or how you/the baby will be after.