I'm pregnant, she's not

[Sabriella]

Hi all ,
Just looking for some advice . my friend has had two rounds of ivf, the last one was a few weeks ago and was unsuccessful, she's pretty devastated as they can't afford another round. I've woken this morning, released I'm late and done a test which is positive. I'm delighted but I'm dreading telling her she's going to be crushed . I know from reading previous posts that in person is the best way to tell her but I can't do that and I won't be able to hide this for very long either as I had such bad hg last time and it will be pretty obvious what's going on. But I want her to hear it from me , how do I phrase it in a text to make it as easy as possible? I'm not a very subtle person and I really don't want to get this wrong.

How often do you see her in person that you'd need to tell her now?

I'd be tempted to wait until you've at least seen a heartbeat

Oof where have you read that in person is best? I would really really disagree. Tell her via text. Do it whenever you want to. I'd leave it at least a few weeks to give her space from the grief of IVF not working if you can.

It's going to hurt however you phrase it so doing it when you know she'll be at home and/or with her partner would be nicer. Everyone is different but texts that are overly sympathetic made me sadder. I'd rather people had text and said 'just letting you know I'm pregnant'. And nothing else.

By text is always better so the other person can react how they’d like to, instead of worrying about your feelings and how they’d look to you if they’re upset rather than happy for you.
I’d start with something like ‘I know this might be difficult for you, and I want you to know that I’m here to support you. I have some personal news that I want to share, but please know that I understand that this will be hard to hear right now’. And then however you want to tell her you’ve found out that you’re pregnant

Definitely agree to not say it in person. Not the same but I was struggling to get pregnant and had had a miscarriage. Someone at work shoved their scan picture in my face and I had to try and keep it together. I managed a few minutes before having to leave and cry. I’d have much rather have had a text or seen it on Facebook than that. I know you aren’t planning to do the same thing but it’s awful trying to be excited for someone else when you’re really hurting that you can’t have it too.

I was in a similar boat, so dropped into conversation very early on that we were trying too so it didn't come completely out of the blue when she found out. We were very early into the pregnancy when I told her we were trying, then didn't tell her until telling everyone else at 12 weeks, so she'd had some time to process it. I'd agree with doing it via a well timed message (i.e. not when she's at work or something).

In person is definitely not considered best.

By text means she can react however she does without you seeing, and she can take her time composing a measured reply.

Wouldn't it be best waiting for now till your atleast 12 weeks just incase something were to happen? so theirs no rush in having to tell her as of yet x

You’ve got a while till you need to tell anyone. When you do send her a brief factual message, don’t do it face to face. And don’t offer to support her, that would be very awkward and you won’t be the best placed person to do it.

Congratulations! It’s okay to be happy!

As 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I'd wait a bit longer than straight after your BFP anyway. If you're not going to see her in person for a while, she won't know if you're barfing up every day anyway.

Not in person. That's the worst.
Send a gentle message when you know she will be at home (not work) with someone there to support her.

Categorically do NOT tell her face to face. Thats the worst thing you can do. You need to tell her in a way she can be alone and feel her emotions and not need to put on an act.

I wouldn't tell her until 12 weeks if you can possibly manage not to. It's good that you're considering her feelings, but you're under no obligation to tell anyone and can take it at your own pace, wait until you've had the first scan. When the time comes, tell her kindly by text and meet up when she's ready.

I am childless not through choice. I agree to wait a while before you tell her as she is dealing with acute grief at the moment over the failed IVF. I am sure even in 3 months it will still be hard for her, but at least by then she will have had some time to cope with her own situation first.

You sound a very considerate friend and I am sure that you will write the news compassionately in view of her situation. In her shoes, I would definitely be grateful if you waited and did not tell me so soon after the failed IVF.

Good luck and congratulations on your own news!

Don't tell her in person!
I have been your friend and it is so much easier to compose a nice response to your news ( whilst crying) than have to cope in a face to face situation. The kindest thing my best friend did was send me an email.
you don't have to tell her until 12 weeks.
Be prepared she may distance herself from you for a while.

I'm currently in the same position. I told my friend via text, then she could react how she needed to.

However, I have now been ghosted. She hasn't acknowledged or replied to my message and when we went on a group trip she wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me.

I'm heartbroken and I had so much anxiety leading up to telling her because my gut instinct was that she would react like this.

I'm trying to remember that it's not about me, it's about her and what she's going through (but I also know that I wouldn't ghost a pregnant person - I also have HG and it's been horrendous).

So I agree with a text but be prepared to be ghosted.

Don't phrase like that - condescending

Were you trying? Did she know you were also trying?

I guess it might be a bit more difficult for her to take if you weren't trying/she thought you weren't trying

But I agree text

Seems like it's very early days for you. I wouldn't say anything for at least a month anyway.

Don’t do it in person! My best friend told me she was pregnant with her second whilst out at a restaurant about 2 weeks after my third miscarriage, it is incredibly hard to look like you’re happy for someone when you feel like your heart has broken into a million pieces. Don’t get me wrong I was happy for her but I would’ve preferred to find out by text so I had time to process before being happy for her. It didn’t help that her estimated due date was the same as what I’d worked out mine would’ve be had I not miscarried….turns out she got her dates wrong and was actually a month further on but as she hadn’t had a scan didn’t know this.

So I would say wait until you’ve had a scan so you’re sure about dates, viability, etc then do it by text and give her time to process it before you contact her. Be understanding if she doesn’t seem happy for you or if down the line she doesn’t want to come to your baby shower, etc….baby showers are really difficult when you’re already struggling too.

I’m not sure everyone would agree with me but my approach would be to share your wonderful news in text, don’t mention her fertility struggles at all but also don’t keep harping on about baby names, birth choices, etc etc. No updates from you unless she asks you first. Be sure to keep in touch often about everything else in your lives that you usually chat about.

For your own peace of mind I would wait it out till the 12 week point or into the new year, whichever is furthest away. As someone going through IVF she will realise why you had to wait till then and the time for her between her cycle not working and your news will give her chance to start to feel better or be planning another cycle, the news will unfortunately hit hard. I found my friend being pregnant across Xmas and going into new year with such amazing news devastated me and made that period of time much harder.

I'm currently 9 weeks and apart from a select few I have told I won't be announcing the news until into the new year as still feels early and I don't want it to detract from other people's joy.

The news is definitely easier to take by text, also it doesn't have to be a long winded sympathy text.

I had counselling to deal with my friend getting pregnant as my IUIs failed and actually delayed IVF starting till she had her baby. my take away from the counselling was that her having a baby doesnt stop me or my journey and it's not one or the other that gets it, just not always the same path so hopefully your friend will be able to see this.

Be prepared there may be distant times and my honest advice would be have an open chat about what she would and wouldn't feel comfortable hearing about. For me it was the birth and the movement/kicks later on for fear I would never experience those.

Likewise this is your baby and your joy and for your friend to work through her feelings. I know being her in that situation that I did resent my friend and some of the things she said during pregnancy and when the baby arrived so try to be mindful where you can buy also don't filter everything you say as that impacts the friendship and how you are

I also think via text is best! After my first MC one of my good friends texted me ( a few weeks later) to say she was pregnant. I truly was happy for her but sad for me so I was glad to be able to just take a few minutes and not have to put on a mask.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Don't tell her in person.

How often do you see her? Does she know you were TTC?

My DSis had 4 rounds and all failed.

During this time I got pregnant twice. It was really, really difficult for her. We lived in separate countries at the time so at least it wasn't in her face. My DSis never had DC, it was a good few years for her to process being childless

Your friend does need to go through this as well.

In person is absoloutly not the best way and I have no idea where you have read that.

In person makes it all about you and forces her to control her natural sadness and force a smile for your reaction moment. The advice on ANY infertility forum is to text and give her space to process her emotions.

Also be prepared that she might distance... its not about you its about her own self protection.

I went through a decade of infertility, at one point I got pregnant but suffered a MMC. My best friend was pregnant at the same time and I unfollowed her on everything so I couldn't see any updates of her life.

Shes still a good friend but I simply could not face seeing her have the child I should have been having. Watching her child grow at the rate mine should have etc...

Thanks so much for the advice so far. Just to answer a few questions. I see this friend every few weeks at a mutual hobby , so I either won't be able to avoid her for long or my hg will be very noticeable. I also work with other mutual friend's, in my last pregnancy I was extremely ill by 7\8 weeks so there will be no way I can hide this until passed the 12 week mark. Word will get around and I don't want her hearing this from someone else, I think that will make it far worse.
We where also semi trying , ive just been lucky that it didn't take long like with my ds but nobody knows we where trying.