I'm pregnant, she's not

[Sabriella]

Hi all ,
Just looking for some advice . my friend has had two rounds of ivf, the last one was a few weeks ago and was unsuccessful, she's pretty devastated as they can't afford another round. I've woken this morning, released I'm late and done a test which is positive. I'm delighted but I'm dreading telling her she's going to be crushed . I know from reading previous posts that in person is the best way to tell her but I can't do that and I won't be able to hide this for very long either as I had such bad hg last time and it will be pretty obvious what's going on. But I want her to hear it from me , how do I phrase it in a text to make it as easy as possible? I'm not a very subtle person and I really don't want to get this wrong.

Definitely text, and let her know it’s fine if she doesn’t reply. She may want to gently pull away from you so be prepared for that. But remember not to feel guilty - it’s no one’s fault it’s worked for you and not her.

In that case, let her know you're trying.
Wait as long as you can (surely ifbyoure so ill you cant hide it youll be unlikely to participate in the shared hobby?) then when you're ready to tell her do so by text.
Do not make the text about her fertility struggles/tell her you're there for her etc. She doesn't want to feel pitied or patronised and is unlikely to seek solace with you if you're pregnant and she's not.
Exception would be if the "got to tell her can't wait any longer" would mean telling her v close to Christmas.

@Sabriella also we've all said text do NOT tell her in person

I personally wouldnt say to her that you are "trying" now as with simple maths she will be able to work out you were actually X amount of weeks when you said the trying thing and could feel betrayed or feel like you were trying to hide it. IVF meds can make some people more emotional and insecure.

Maybe see how the sickness goes and yes if it starts then send her the text, maybe even acknowledge that you hoped to have shared the news at a later time but due to your sickness you would rather she hear it from you than someone else or realise it herself.

Don't stop seeing others or doing things that being you joy as I'm sure your friends would feel saddened that you are doing it on her account.

It's guna be a hard one either way, being open to how you manage it together to maintain a friendship is guna be the best thing.

Also try not to give hope, my friend who fell pregnant said if your IUI work then we will have babies the same age and be on maternity together and was so excited... But just left me feeling like I let her down when It didn't happen.

To be honest I have never been hurt by not being told first hand someone is pregnant. I didn't tell my friends first hand and they didn't tell me either never crossed my mind to be upset. I would personally find it bizarre if a friend came round to tell me in person rather than just a normal Facebook announcement or it being a group announcement.

Also apart from people who HAVE to keep it confidential at work the only way the others would know is if you personally tell them thats why you are sick/off etc... people might guess but without confirmation that means nothing (and people regularly 'guessed' I was pregnant during my 10 year journey when I wasn't)

That is if you even get sick (I have now had 4 pregnancies where all wildly different symptoms).

Please don't tell her in person and please don't be offended if she distances herself from you. I did the same to my friend when she fell pregnant and I'd had many losses. I also couldn't meet her new baby straight away either. She throughly understood and waited for me to come with no pressure and because of that we are still friends all these years later. If she hadn't, it would of been the friendship over for me.

I've been on the other hand, I've been trying a while and found out a friend of mine was pregnant a few weeks after I'd miscarried. We were due within 2 weeks of each other.

She told me via text which I was thankful for so I could have a sad cry (obviously happy for her) so I agree with not saying it in person.

Don't tell her in person. Twice it's broken me. Once when my ex SIL told me she was pregnant and I'd been trying for years and years. The second time was not long after my 3rd miscarriage (new partner) and a colleague told me she was pregnant. Trying to look happy whilst mumbling congratulations whilst trying not to break down crying is awful. If both those had been done over text I could've dealt with it a lot better than I did. Even now pregnancy announcements on Facebook tear me apart but at least with those I can choose to unfollow if I wish to.

Also, why are you assuming you will have exactly the same HG as last time. It's not always the case. I know several women who had HG in one pregnancy but not in another.

My auntie was sick every day until giving birth with my male cousin, needed fluids etc, but very little sickness at all with his younger sister, just a few weeks at the start.