IVF pregnancy - not happy at all

[NCbutpanicking]

I’ve just had a positive pregnancy test after an embryo transfer. I’ve had two previous rounds of IVF before (one unsuccessful, one ended in a miscarriage). In my head I was very prepared for this to be another failure. I’ve actually had a really strong positive.

When I got the results I burst into tears (and not happy tears) and had a panic attack. Since then I’ve been in a state of complete panic or numbness. I don’t feel happy at all. Part of me wonders if this is some sort of defence mechanism in case the scan doesn’t go as planned/the pregnancy doesn’t progress. Or if this is because of all the hormones. But I’m really worried I’ve made a mistake and I don’t actually want to have a baby. I’m a natural pessimist and I don’t think I ever had a period where I believed this would happen. I’m scared I’m too selfish to have a baby. I never dreamed of having children when I was growing up and I think I’ve always been a bit on the fence. I had to talk to my consultant and a couple of nurses at the clinic yesterday to get ongoing meds sorted and they’re all so excited and happy for us (my husband works in the field so he’s a colleague to them as well as a patient).

I feel awful as I know how many women would love to be in my shoes right now. And I know how upset I’d be if it had been a negative/inconclusive result. I’m also worried that I’m ruining this for my husband (who has been nothing but reassuring and reminded me that I also had a panic attack when we got engaged and that this is probably just my usual anxiety disorder/response to change/magnified by loads of hormones etc).

I have a counselling session with my clinic booked next week. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else had experienced this?

Sounds like your usual response, but I think most women have a time of panic, no matter how much the baby is wanted.

I think you are not allowing yourself to think it will ever happen to protect yourself. Infertility and miscarriage takes all the joy from pregnancy sadly. Really glad to hear you are having counselling and hope it helps you to find some way to reconcile the feelings and emotions. I have 2 DC and 10 years of miscarriage and infertility behind me so I never really believed I would have a baby until they were safely in my arms..

I think it's quite normal. I had that "WTF have we done?" moment with all three of mine and they were normal pregnancies without the additional stress and emotion of IVF. Add in the fact that you have had a miscarriage and I think it is a case of protection like a PP said. I hope the counselling helps you sort out your emotions.

Maybe you just don’t believe it’s real or are worried something bad is going to happen? I haven’t been through IVF, but I have been desperate for my own baby for as long as I can remember. I always assumed that getting a positive pregnancy test would be the happiest moment of my life. But when I actually got one for the first time last year I felt nothing. Looking back I think it was because I had a lot of prenatal anxiety. The whole time I was pregnant I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. When I went to my 12 week scan I really thought they were going to tell me there was no heartbeat and I’d had a missed miscarriage. I was completely shocked when there was a healthy little baby wriggling around on the screen, even though that’s what most people expect to see. I don’t think I fully relaxed until my son was born. Pregnancy can be a really exciting time but it can also be a really stressful/uncertain time.

With my first pregnancy I had a serious “oh shit” moment in front of the baby books in Borders. I think it’s really normal.

We spent over $100,000 (I stopped counting at this point) on IVF which resulted in the birth of our DD. It was a difficult birth and I spent 2 days in ICU. When they finally brought her to me, I had this overwhelming feeling of dread. What had I done? I felt not connection with her at all and just felt regret.

That lasted a few hours then I fell in love and she is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Give it time. You're probably just in shock.

With every pregnancy I have had that oh shit feeling that I had completely done the wrong thing, even when the pregnancy was planned and tried for for a while. Took me a few days to get my head around things and then was fine.
You've been through so much it's understandable your feeling all sorts of things. Give yourself time, it'll be ok.

Thank you - it’s really reassuring to know that this is a common feeling! I’d talked through my plans for a negative test, indeterminate test etc with my therapist ahead of the result but I didn’t spend much time at all on what would happen if it was positive. I’ve also had some really bad news about a friend earlier this week which isn’t helping the emotional rollercoaster.

All of my children were planned and wanted. I had a complete freak out in all 3 pregnancies shortly after finding out. By the third pregnancy, I knew what was happening and just went with it.

I also had another wobble in the third trimester with them all too. Three great kids, all good in the end. It's normal!

Yes I did a test after my embryo transfer and when it was postive I went to show my DH, going I'm sorry, I'm sorry, like I'd got pregnant by mistake

I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive and have had a complicated pregnancy. I'm now 36 weeks and still regularly panic at the prospect of becoming a parent 😂 will I be a good mum, will baby hate me, what will change etc.

And I'm someone who everyone says is the most level person ever! If you're someone who already panics when things change e.g. engagement then I can only imagine it will be more extreme.

But I also now enjoy my babies movements, responding to my voice, the kicks, hiccups. If I'm having a hard day at work or whatever he gives me some nudges and I feel so much happier. I can't wait to meet him even though I'm terrified!

Quite common I'd say. I know several people who reacted like this - it's an irreversible and life changing event to have a baby after all. None of the people I know continued feeling that way.

OP, I was exactly the same. A few rounds of IVF, 2 miscarriages and the final go resulted in ds..now a strapping teen. We were desperate for a child but when it all got real I panicked and I thought I was doing the wrong thing. I think you'll be just fine 🙂

Well, no.

But you know that incredible rush of love you feel when the baby is born? That visceral feeling of not wanting anything bad, EVER , to happen to this tiny creature you made? The feeling that EVERY mother gets?

Yeah, nothing. Just sort of bemusement and the feeling that I was just pretending to be her mother. I didn’t confess it until years later. It honestly took about 6 weeks for the loving feelings to kick in. I’m sure your feelings are perfectly normal. Anyway, congratulations. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Thank you everyone - this is making me feel so much better.

It's not unusual. Don't feel bad.
The day after DD was born I woke up with the most almighty dread that I had made a terrible mistake. No rush of love here either. But I did feel protective and looked after her and from that the most extraordinary love grew. Now I know it was the best thing I ever did. Hope your pregnancy continues uneventfully & best of luck.

Sounds exactly like me, I was having fertility treatment and finally got a positive after my sixth round of treatment, and immediately decided I didn't want a baby after all. For me it was 100% a defense mechanism against what would happen if it went wrong but it felt like I'd made a massive mistake and I couldn't even tell anyone in case they thought I was mental after all that time, money, energy and everything that had gone into having fertility treatment.

I'm now 26 weeks, and have a therapist who has really helped me, but in summary feeling the way you feel is totally normal. Unfortunately, loss and infertility really do make the early stage of pregnancy a time of stress and worry, and particularly when you feel like you should feel over the moon because it's finally happening for you, it's so isolating but keep your chin up, it'll get better :)

It took 4+ years for us to conceive and I definitely had a "oh shit" moment when I saw the positive pregnancy test. I've got a toddler now and everything is fine. I think it is quite a normal response.

I always wanted to be a mum, I had years of fertility treatments and ivf before I got pregnant. It was a nightmare to me to not have a child. The second I learnt that I was pregnant I thought: "what have I done? I don't want this, I'm not ready" (at age 41 😂) .

I stayed a bit weird about it and didn't (dare) bond during pregnancy. I did bond after birth and am so happy that I have my child.

It's normal love, I had seven miscarriages before DS finally turned up, and the entire pregnancy I didn't dare feel anything much for him as I expected to lose him at any moment. I had got so used to the awful grief of baby loss that I almost felt comfortable with it somehow, I knew how to do that and I just couldn't imagine, not for one minute, that the pregnancy would actually result in a baby. It wasn't until we were six months gone that we told anyone...

When they handed DS to me after a challenging labour it felt unreal...and then in the quiet dark hours afterwards when it was just the two of us I cried as I said hello to him and told him how long I'd been waiting for him. Happy and sad tears all mixed up.

All the very best for a really boring and uneventful pregnancy lovely x

I cried on our IVF test date. It wasn’t happy tears, but a mix of shock and fear about what was to come. I don’t think we always have time to consider the trauma of infertility when going through it and it catches up with us at some point. I had such an anxious pregnancy too, even while in labour I couldn’t believe we would
have a baby who was alive and well.

The time since DD was born has been the happiest of my life, no regrets!

You poor thing. I think it's completely normal though. I felt like this for a bit and so did my friend - similar sounding IVF journey. It will pass. Anyone who isn't slightly daunted at outset pregnancy is a fool 😬😃

6 years of trying for second dc and I actually took to my bed in shock and tears. I thought that it was what I wanted, then I didn't. I was a bit of a mess. But 16 years on i would not be without him. These emotions are not talked about as you are meant to be delighted, but you get so used to loss and sadness it is then hard to be excited. I am so glad so many others on here have said the same.

OP, while I never went through IVF, like another poster I did have multiple miscarriages before one stuck. We shared the same panic!
Your feelings are valid, and I expect more normal than we realise. It’s part of processing everything!
You’re now faced with all these questions and thoughts that you never thought you’d reach the point of.
But you have reached the point, so a massive congratulations is in order 💐

I think almost everyone's initial reaction to a positive pregnancy test is 'Oh [insert expletive of your choice] - now what?', and that applies irrespective of circumstance.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, please be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time