NCT course- social aspects

[Gardenlady543]

I am booked onto a NCT course, because of my history I'm not able to have a vaginal birth, the tutor called me and advised that we should come 1.5 hours after the start to miss that part of the course. From what I can see most people say the main benefit of attending the course is for the social aspects, so I asked if the tutor could do the introduction part when we get there, but she said no.

I feel like arriving late will mean everyone has already started talking and mixing. What do those that have done the course think? Do I sit through 1.5 hours of content even though it's likely to be upsetting for the social aspects or should we arrive late?

That’s seems very odd, surely it’s your decision to go at the start? Assuming you’re happy to sit through the part on vaginal birth. You’re paying, do what you chose

In hindsight, I wouldn’t have even bothered for the social aspect. My group met up 2 or 3 times after our babies were born, then completely petered out. The only thing we had in common was that our babies were born with 6 weeks of each other.

Very odd the tutor has suggested this. You are paying for it so surely it's your choice if you want to sit through that bit or not. At ours there were two couples who were having scheduled c sections and when we covered vaginal birth she gave them separate things to look at and activities to do relating to c sections.

I'll be honest. NCT is a complete waste of time for the social aspect. Myself and not one person I know (all different areas) have had a non toxic successful social experience. My group became very toxic and fizzled out after 9 months, I muted the chat at about 4 months pp as it was just a daily competition of whose baby was doing the most or had fed the most or put the most weight on. My best friend from school's group fizzled out about 3 months pp. Both work colleagues groups either fizzled out after the course ended or within weeks of birth, 1 group became very very toxic due to a couple of militant cloth bums mum's who shamed everyone using disposables.

Just to add balance, yes it's hit and miss whether you'll get a good group or not, but I've been lucky and we are all still in touch over two years later and am close friends with one of the group.

One lady in our group was having a planned C-section for pre-existing medical reasons and joined the whole course.

If you miss the first 90 minutes you'll miss the introductions, ice breaker, small talk etc. If I were you I'd just say you want to join the whole thing regardless.

I've just attended NCT classes knowing I'm booked in for a c section. I didn't mention that to the tutor and just went along with it because I wanted the social element, like you.

Some of the information was still relevant for me anyway and it would have felt strange to arrive part way through the session. So I agree with pp to just say you'll attend for the full thing.

Perhaps you could try anti natal pilates or something? You see the same women every week and will find a few friends there.

Seems odd - I would just tell her thank you for the heads up but that you will attend for the whole thing. We had a couple of planned c sections at mine - one with twins, another with a placenta blocking the exit, and there wasn't any question of them not being there.

NCT has been fantastic for me and I’ve met a great group. Not the type you’d go on holiday with, but several years of solid parent friendship which is exactly what I wanted in the early days.

Go to the whole thing, she can’t stop you, you don’t need to tell anyone your medical plans

I think the missing context has thrown some PP. It's inappropriate to do introductions an hour and a half late, so you'll just have to miss out on that bit at the time if it'll feel too triggering to attend.

However, there will be a what's app group to join afterwards so you'll get the know anyone sociable anyway. I'm still friends with NCT mums by the way. It's totally dependent on why people join and whether they want a friendship and click.

I loved NCT for the social aspect, our group of 9 is still going strong after over 2 years and our WhatsApp group is really active. 3 of the toddlers are at nursery together and have an amazing relationship as they are together at nursery and at other times when we meet up. We did NCT as we were moving to a new area at 32 weeks pregnant so it was all about the social aspect for us. My partner got to know the dads as well and it's just been really nice. But I know I was lucky :-). Sod going half way through though, she can't tell you to do that!

Not everyone has a good experience of it socially but plenty do 🤷‍♀️ I still see one of my group regularly and consider her a good friend, and now 4 of us have ended up at the same primary school and it’s been nice having a friendly face at drop off the first few weeks. I think our group would have stayed in touch better if it wasn’t for the Covid timing, it hit just as everyone was going back to work so doubled the effect of everyone dropping out once that happens anyway!

a friend of mine had 7 in her group, kids are now 8 and 6 of the couples still go away on holiday camping each year!!

OP I think it’s out of order they’re telling you you can’t attend something you’ve paid for. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s relevant to you or not. Odd because at mine they specifically said you were expected to attend the session on breast feeding, even if you knew you wouldn’t be BF for whatever reason! This is similar and yet they’re actually excluding you. I’d definitely push back.

To balance out the negative experiences, our NCT group is still going over 12 years later! Us mums meet several times a year, and the kids usually join us for a big meet about once a year. It’s been lovely having a group of parents going through the same thing every step of the way, most recently the big transition to secondary schools.

I’d definitely ignore her and go from the start, unless you really think you can’t handle it.

Ha ha I had this real bitch in my group that took a disliking to me for no reason. She was a nasty passive aggressive cow and caused me more upset than anything else. The others were all lovely but it fizzled out also as everyone moved to different areas. Feels good to say this as I tried to deny her behaviour or 'rationalise' in my mind for a long time but I'm older now and the reality is she just wasn't a very nice person to me during a really vulnerable time. I ran into her a while after and was nice to her but actually if I saw her now I'd blank her. So just approach the unnatural nature of the friendships in these groups with a pinch of salt.

Also yes I agree it's a bit harsh to cut you out of the start. Socialising aside it may just be really interesting for you. It's a bit of an odd thing for the instructor to do?

Whether your group gels or not is pure chance (ours didn’t — we just didn’t much like one another and meetings never really got going after the babies were born), but if you’re prepared to take the chance to the tune of whatever number of hundreds of quid it is these days, then attend the whole thing from the beginning.

Out of the eight of us, five ended up with highly medicalised births, from what I remember. (Which we did bond over, briefly, at the post-babies get-together where the teacher attended and went around asking everyone whether they’d had natural births. I think we happened to get a really old-school ‘cascade of intervention’ type. )

I'd go for the whole thing assuming sitting through the discussion on vaginal delivery won't be traumatic for you. I was 95% sure I was having a c-section when I attended our course and there was at least one other mum in the same boat (and in the end over half of us had sections anyway).

Some groups will gel and some won't but you won't know that till you get there and get involved. I wouldn't want to miss out just in case. Our group was great, we saw a lot of each other during maternity leave and we're still in touch via WhatsApp most days 2 years down the line.

I think you and your partner should be there from the start to get the full experience and to get to know everyone properly. I knew i was having a c section due to a pregnancy complication very early on but I still got a lot out of the course.
The social aspect has been great. Out of 12 couples in total, 5 couples have become very close friends and the little ones have got so much out of it. (It would have been more but 3 couples moved away)
Theres loads which will be relevant to you still, go and get your moneys worth and make some new friends x

My group from NCT fizzled a little after maternity leaves ended as some were military mums and had to move away. We had however all been going to aquanatal too so theyvalso became part of our group. Our main group still meet up 12 years on. Just planning a christmas get together. I think it can be hit and miss on the social side of things but our group worked out really well.
If you are not going to find it uncomfortable to sit through that bit I would definitely ask to be there.

Ah sorry I misread - I see you have asked to be omitted from the vaginal birth talk.

To be honest, given the nature of the course and the kind of discussions going on both during the course and socially, the subject matter of giving birth vaginally will likely be raised a few times.

I'm still great friends with my NCT group 20 years on. We've been a support for each other through all the ups and down and various life stages. I recommend to all parents to be to attend for the social benefits it brings.

It's luck of the draw socially. My group met weekly for 9 months, anyone who was free turned up. Fizzled out after that as we all went back to work. I still see one person fairly regularly, haven't spoken to the rest in years. It was useful in the fuck I am responsible for a tiny human and have no clue what I am doing stage. I know other people that still all meet up years later.

But surely you can see your experience is pure luck? You happened to get along well with a random collection of strangers united only by having babies at the same time. My group didn’t. As with colleagues you’re thrown together with in a particular workplace, it’s the luck of the draw.

Personally, I wouldn’t pay quite a lot of money again to take that chance on making instant friends. The NCT course information is all available for free elsewhere.

@StrangePaintName Everyone in the NCT group has one huge thing in common. Your lives are about to be turned upside down in the same way and you will empathize and support each other like no-one else can as you are the exact same stage. As time progresses you pass through all the life stages at the same time and can discuss having second child, returning to work, choosing schools or first girlfriends or learning to drive, universities, first jobs etc etc etc. The children are all within weeks of each other so have a ready made circle of friends.

There is so much in common so there is much more to bind you together as friends than just random strangers.

I agree that the course content is not worth paying for, but for me and many others the chance to meet others starting out on their parenting journey was priceless.

I also attended a free antenatal course organised by my GP surgery and have stayed friends with that group too. Although the NCT friends are my favoured friends.

I still see friends I made 18 years ago from my NCT group