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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Telling friend about birth of baby after their loss

26 replies

Fluffysockswizzard · 23/10/2023 18:38

Just after some advice. 2 years ago our friends baby was unfortunately born sleeping at 25 weeks.

Since it happened, they have been talking to us/meeting up etc and confiding in us however since we told them I was pregnant they have pulled away.

We have never talked about the pregnancy to them other than to just say we are expecting on a text message. (Read a thread on here about how a text is better than saying it on the phone/face to face) we completely understand them not wanting to talk to us now and we don't want to cause more hurt

The husband admitted to my husband that the day we announced it, the wife didn't take it well and ended up in a physical altercation with her husband out of anger and he requested for us to avoid talking about pregnancy to her which we of course did

My question is though when the baby is born, how do we go about it? Just say it on a text? We do not want to cause more hurt or bring up those feelings for them/be the reason they argue and fight. A part of me just doesn't want to say anything at all or for my dh to just say it to the husband only

Would appreciate your advice

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 18:40

Do not contact

why? Because she knows. And hasn’t asked a single question. She is silently telling you that this is NOT what she wants to be involved with in any shape or form. Respect that

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 18:41

Is you dh close to her husband?

in which case, him drooling a message to say that you were both struggling to know the best course of action to take, but wanted them to hear from you both rather than on the grapevine that Baby X was born on

Saschka · 23/10/2023 18:43

Have you had any contact with them at all since you told them you were pregnant? If so, I would text them again. If not, I would just put it on social media or whatever else you were planning on doing, and not contact them about this at all.

They can count, they know roughly when you are due. They’ll know you’ve had the baby.

Original poster
Fluffysockswizzard · 23/10/2023 18:51

Yes since we told them, they've had birthdays so we have wished them and also asked how their dc are/how work is going etc but the wife won't reply or will send one word message and then usually the husband will ring my husband later that day and they will talk about other stuff

We aren't on social media but you're right they know the baby will be born by a certain date so perhaps its best to either get husband to tell the husband on a text or just leave it all together if there's no further mention of it

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 23/10/2023 18:52

Get your husband to text the husband. He can judge how she is/needs to know at that moment. They’ve pulled away which already suggests they need space.

Please don’t take it personally. After we buried our baby, I grieved in such an awful way. I honestly resented everyone who had living baby. It wasn’t about the fact other people had a new baby it was about the fact that I had buried my child.

Original poster
Fluffysockswizzard · 23/10/2023 18:56

@TakeMe2Insanity i'm so sorry for your loss and really appreciate your advice. Thank you for providing us with a different perspective. We won't take it personally. We can't fathom that kind of heartache and yes the fact that they've pulled away means we shouldn't mention it and all we can do is wait and hope when they're ready they know we are here

OP posts:
Ella31 · 23/10/2023 19:07

Loss of a child affects people in the most devastating way. It's not personal. She is angry, devastated, and in terrible pain. I wouldn't say anything. They'll know when your baby is born and if they haven't reached out. They have chosen not to. Give them time.

crumblylancs · 23/10/2023 19:19

It doesn't sound like there's much of a friendship left there, through no fault of anyone- I wouldn't tell them about the baby being born at all and probably wouldn't try and communicate for any reason, she knows where you are if she wants to speak to you

anicecuppateaa · 23/10/2023 19:32

I have been in a similar position to your friend. Whatever way they find out, it will be triggering and painful.

I would suggest your DH text her and ask the best way to let them know the news. She may well come back in time. It took me 2 years to meet a friend’s dd who was born the month after my dd who died.

Mayhemmumma · 23/10/2023 19:39

You sound very thoughtful OP, it's sad your happy news has effectively ended your friendship. I agree your husband texts her husband and you accept without taking it too personally that they might not be able to respond.
(I recall feeling put out with acquaintances who didn't acknowledge birth of my first baby, looking back. I don't know their reasons for this but it did sting a bit so prepare yourself you might still feel a bit sad about it if they are not able to respond)

WandaWonder · 23/10/2023 19:45

crumblylancs · 23/10/2023 19:19

It doesn't sound like there's much of a friendship left there, through no fault of anyone- I wouldn't tell them about the baby being born at all and probably wouldn't try and communicate for any reason, she knows where you are if she wants to speak to you

This, there is no need to tell them

EdithWeston · 23/10/2023 19:55

I think your instinct that, no matter how hard, they should hear directly from you (rather than on the grapevine) is absolutely right.

I think a basic factual message from your DH to hers is probably the way to go about it

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/10/2023 20:02

I wouldn’t single them out with any messages. I get that you’re trying to be sensitive and care but I think contacting them to tell them has more potential to upset than them not hearing directly from you.

Doobydoo · 23/10/2023 20:03

How thoughtful you sound OP and Congratulations. Obviously we are all different. I remember when my baby was born at 32 weeks and died 2 weeks later..I was pleased my friend came round with her 6 week old. Obviously I felt sad too but I never resented my friend or felt angry. I wanted my child...but could still be happy for my friend and did not want to be tip toed around. Like I said though..we are all different.

Alopeciabop · 23/10/2023 20:32

Sounds like you’re taking this too much on yourself.

it’s devastating for them. She’s grieving. You have been a good friend and care but you run the risk of dampening down the arrival of this little human because of someone else’s feelings. Your child deserves to be the source of joy, not hidden away. If she can’t cope it’s not your place to fix that for her - you can’t. Let you husband tell his friend you both understand and will be happy to see them if an when

Inyourwildestdreams · 23/10/2023 20:33

You sound really thoughtful @Fluffysockswizzard ❤️ I agree with the others, a simple factual message from your DH to hers at the time would be best.

I don’t agree with those that say that your news has ended your friendship though. For her own mental health she can’t be there for you as a friend just now. And that’s ok. That doesn’t mean that there’s no future as friends.

Alopeciabop · 23/10/2023 20:34

Things are better for them. But if you down play your pregnancy and birth on account of them you run the risk of feeling resentful and sad.

just give them space and you do you. Down the line thibgs might change.

heywhatswrongwitu · 23/10/2023 20:45

I also don't agree that this is necessarily the end of a friendship - from my experience, she may just need it to be on hold for a while.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/10/2023 20:51

You sound very thoughtful, OP, in a very difficult situation for all concerned.

I think the advice above for a simple update from your DH to hers is the right course of action. I would just add that if you post anything on social media after contacting close family and friends directly, don’t include any scan images. They can be particularly triggering after baby loss.

Welshmonster · 23/10/2023 20:53

After I lost my baby there were 5 babies born in work with people that got pregnant after my loss. It was exhausting and I pasted a smile on. I got so anxious that they would lose their babies and didn’t relax until they were born.

definitely ask DH what they would like to know and when. Though you are being super mindful, don’t let it spoil your joy as you know it can suddenly disappear so enjoy every moment of pregnancy and baby

Original poster
Fluffysockswizzard · 23/10/2023 21:51

Thank you all for your replies!! I really appreciate you telling me to enjoy the moment as it will pass quickly. Absolutely, we will be cherishing it and the focus will certainly be the baby.

As for the friendship - I guess atleast my husband speaks with the husband from time to time and they still have a friendship between them. We will take the advice from this thread, once again thank you all x

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 23/10/2023 22:04

A message from your husband to his at the time is all that's needed. I would have hated a pre-message asking how to deliver the news to us. Taking up unnecessary painful headspace.

Flittingaboutagain · 23/10/2023 22:04

*his friend

Madamlulu · 25/10/2023 00:22

Hi, firstly I think it's really lovely of you to consider this and the implications to your friends.

I've been in their situation having lost my own baby at 41 weeks pregnant and at the point at which she was ready to be born. It's horrendous but it's no-ones fault,
Especially not your caring and friends who are you having their own families around you and stricken by your loss.

However, the pain of hearing about friends baby's births was simply overwhelming and traumatic. I look back to that time and hate myself for how self centred I was being unable to feel happiness for friends and iscolating myself when they were so joyous but then I have to remind myself that I was happy for them but just so traumatised and devastated that my baby girl had died.

My unwavering advice would be to speak to them and communicate to tell them your news but to say that you feel their pain. Always remember their own pain when you reference your joy - not saying anything will make them feel like bad people (they really do want you to be happy and have your baby) but they just want their own pain and baby to be remembered and thought of.. so to message always saying;

We wanted to let you know but feel for you when telling you this news

We know that x would have been good friends with x and so we are sad this is not the case

We are thinking of you all the time.:

This goes a long way.

Hope you enjoy your baby & I promise in time your friends will thank you for this. It really challenge some friendships when I lost my baby girl but thankfully now that feeling is now a distant memory now I have two other now teenage children and I have dealt with all my own grief. Xx

BelleEtoile · 25/10/2023 01:06

@Madamlulu's advice is spot on.
OP you sound like a very considerate woman. Your friend is still there.
Her emotions may be very conflicting for her, she wants to be desperately happy for you while at the same time still grieving the life she could have had. She was probably worrying for you and your babys safety throughout your pregnancy. It's hard not too when you know things can go very wrong.
Please keep the communication channels open through your DH.
Men grieve differently to women and and I'm sure your friends DH really appreciates your DHs friendship.
Grieving dads are often forgotten.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of
your baby.