Is it okay to feel resentful of partner not having to make physical sacrifices?

[laminaHK]

Probably a subjective question 😁
but even if it’s just to hear that I’m not alone with how I feel could help me to not feel so guilty!!

I feel like crap A LOT. Like I’m on a boat, feeling so tired, achey and my boobs hurt like hell.
Then on top of that, having to give up a small part of me, that really is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, sometimes I’m feeling incredibly resentful over.

Me and my partner were very sociable and liked to party. I pretty much gave up drinking and that lifestyle when we started trying for a baby. I packed in my casual vaping habit too. Which is no big deal and I’d trade all that forever for my baby.
But I’m finding myself feeling so resentful that my partner hasn’t had to give anything up and feels no affect of becoming pregnant.
I feel like my social life has taken a big hit, purely because my friends & I would often meet up for food & drinks. I couldn’t dare turn up to a restaurant and order a coke, they’d know immediately and I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. So I’m avoiding people…

My partner is amazing & supportive, but he still does everything he did before and obviously doesn’t feel the symptoms of growing a human…. He goes out maybe twice, three times a month. It’s not often! But when he does, I feel so jealous and down about it. I can’t work out if I’m jealous or if I’m upset that it feels quite lonely.
He’ll always ring me and check in asking how his ‘babies’ are, which I love. But he’ll be pretty drunk and tell me what a great time he’s having. I want him to have a great time! But it just feels like a real punch in the gut.

I feel guilty that I even have these thoughts because I’ve been blessed with a baby and I will be 8 weeks on Monday with my first foetal well-being scan.

Does anybody else feel this way too?
Do you ever chat about it with your partners and how do you go about it? Or should I just not even mention it!
Does it get a bit easier the further into pregnancy?

Yes I felt like that for a while. I’m 27 weeks now and it’s lessened a lot. Now I feel physically better (I was sick week 6-21) it feels a privilege to carry the baby.

but it’s a big change for any woman. Life style, body, mentallly, phsyically, professionally, financially. The lot. But also it’s amazing to feel the kicks first and always have the baby’s presence in you.

I talked with my partner about it. He understood.

I would share how you’re feeling. It should be understood too. You’re making a lot of sacrifices so he can maybe give you some dedicated time one weekend.

Maybe see your friends but just say you’re on antibiotics or something and not drinking.

It's 9 months out of a lifetime. I think you need to get a grip.

No, that’s never even crossed my mind. And we have both made an effort to be healthier, drink less etc whilst TTC. It’s not his fault that you are having the pregnancy. But I’d not be happy if he’s drinking a lot regularly, he’ll have to curb that anyway once hopefully baby here.

And go out - just drive or say you’re taking antibiotics. Seems like you’re depriving yourselves unnecessarily. I told friends early and then had a loss - I had no regrets about sharing early, and their support helped a lot

Yabu. Pregnancy is bloody awful for a lot of women me included, I’ve never felt so rough. I never resented my partner though it wasn’t his fault.

In a few weeks you’ll feel better and enter the ‘blooming’ phase and can start going out again!

No. I was pregnant, he wasn't, so all the sickness etc was because I was pregnant!

YANBU, especially if you're having a tough time. I felt the same at times, although that was more when the baby was here - breastfeeding in particular meant that parenting was a much more physical experience for me than for DH.

However, there's not much you can do about it, he can't do the pregnancy, the birth, the breastfeeding, so you need to make your peace with it. Tell him how you feel though, he should be supportive of all that's required of you.

I’ve not really felt like that. I feel really lucky to be pregnant at all and so I’m appreciative of everything that comes with it, though the nausea can be tough. It sounds like he doesn’t go out very often and you still have the option to go out too but are choosing not to.

Everything about having a baby is a depressingly sexist shitshow. It's fine and smart to be annoyed by that! Dads smugging about showing off their babies while the mum is worrying about whether or not her post partum incontinence will ever go away. Really annoying.

For me it just got worse after giving birth. I had permanent damage to my body, while he got to keep his normal body and still have a child. I was angry and jealous and resentful. Took me years to get over that, I’m still not convinced I fully have.

Did you not want a baby?

Because you’re making it sounds like you’ve done this solely for your boyfriend.

Yes sometimes it sucks to be a woman when it comes to having children.
Men have it easy.

This was a surprise to you?

Really interesting mixed feedback & really appreciate it!

I especially liked the getting a grip one cos I need that tough love sometimes 😂😂

some more context for the questions / comments:

•I absolutely wanted this baby! We both did & both made up.

•Despite how I may have come across, I would trade this for the rest of my life if it meant I get to have my baby. I really do mean that. I think I’m just jealous of feeling shitty alone…. That’s where the get a grip comment should help 🤣

•You’re right I am depriving myself of socialising and need to stop being soft… it’s because I lose my last baby at 13 weeks after sharing the news with all my family & friends, then having to share the loss hurt me - I’m definitely hiding away from everyone now clearly!

• I must be struggling with sacrificing alone and wanting him to sacrifice too?! That sounds awful doesn’t it…. I’ll blame hormones 😂

Thank you for your advice & it feels nice to know you have had these thoughts / feelings too.
Also good to know there’s some light at the end of this tunnel and I will snap out of it / be at peace with it.

I can’t wait to be further along and feel our baby. I just need to snap out of this jealousy I’ve got going on… ☺️
My partner is really supportive & a good listener, I think I’ve been holding in these thoughts as I felt guilty / wrong about them.

thanks again

If I'm honest my first thought was concern that you're feeling resentment this early on. You've got a lot of pregnancy to go, and the third trimester is certainly no walk in the park. Then childbirth and the physical recovery from that in terms of stitches/damage (ok not everyone, but most). Postpartum hormones. Breastfeeding if you choose to do that, the discomfort of seeing up if not. And then you're likely to take the brunt of baby care with being on maternity leave (though I personally think men should do nights as well if bottle feeding), do you'll probably be more knackered and more frequently covered in poo/pee/sick. Its totally worth it and amazing, but a lot of it is on you simply because of your sex. Which sucks, but nature didn't give a damn about equality.

I'm not sure how, but i think you need to try to address some of your resentment now, or there is a lot more you are likely to feel down the line.

YABU. Pregnancy is for such a short time in the grand scheme of things. This, too, shall pass.

No more kids for you then after this one?

Men’s lifestyle and habits often don’t change much just cos their partner is pregnant or baby has arrived. They’ll still go to their hobby or sports practice on a Wednesday/week night and football/sport most of the day on a Saturday.
If you feel resentful now, imagine life with babe in arms.
I hope you have the strength to navigate that one.
(Sorry OP, I’m wearing my life experience cynical hat.)

It is totally ok and normal to feel this way! Or at least in my eyes. I’m only 20 weeks, but as women we have to give up so much and so much of our lives change while men’s lives are practically untouched.

yes I wanted this baby but it doesn’t mean you can’t feel abit of resentment now and again. To be honest it’s not even aimed towards my boyfriend but a lot of men in general. We still live in such a misogynistic world unfortunately. Women have to make huge changes from the minute they find out, then their body changes, hormones can affect their mental health, their jobs may have to change (mine did) and that’s all before the baby is born.

so what you are feeling is so so valid and it’s the same for a lot of women. You can do this though. Just find meaningful things to do that make you feel better. I have been walking loads and trying to make more time for myself .

I think it depends on your partner too. My DH does everything for me. Waits on me hand and foot. He runs to the shop several times a day to address my wild cravings, cleans up after me (I've turned into a crazy messy gremlin), makes sure I have a healthy dinner... He's encouraged me to take the last 6 weeks off work (unpaid) until I'm feeling better and puts no pressure on me to go back. Meanwhile he is working hard and in meetings almost back to back every day. Sometimes he has to work on the weekends to meet deadlines.

So if he wants to go out and see a friend one evening, I totally encourage it. He deserves the time off because even though I'm physically sick, I can imagine the mental toll it has on him. Mind he never gets really drunk and has definitely curbed the drinking since we conceived. He's also generally home by 10/11 pm.

Ah op, it's just tough isn't it. I got gestational diabetes and dh used to eat chocolate in the car in secret 😅 . I never expected him to do anything like that because why should we both be miserable but it did entertain me when I'd discover wrappers.

I think your feelings are totally normal and tbh it'd probably preparing you for what's to come in a sense. It's just harder in lots of ways for mum to keep going as normal (some won't find that but many do) when baby arrives. My dh is very supportive but ds would ONLY go to sleep for me for the first 8/9 months. And it's funny because now I get a little pang of resentment when he goes over for dh and I'm not needed at bedtime anymore even though it means I now have a chance at hobbies etc the way dh has always had.

Is your partner supporting you equally in other ways like with housework and life admin. I found that things got really intense for me baby wise when he arrived but dh stepped up and took on everything else so it still felt balanced. If you're struggling I'd sit down together and talk that through so you're both prepared and know what you expect of each other.

And I'd focus on finding self care or hobbies you enjoy that you can still do. I used to give myself a pamper night weekly, do pregnancy yoga and pilates classes etc and it helped me feel like I was still doing things for me.

I gave up any sort of party lifestyle years before ttc (for unrelated reasons) so I don't feel I made the same compromises. I don't really drink much now and I've never smoked or vaped. DH doesn't drink much either so I had no need to be resentful. Many of my friends don't drink and even those who do would be happy to go out with me having soft drinks, so that wouldn't be an issue.

YANBU of course. But if you are struggling now, you're in for a rough ride. It is going to get a lot LOT worse.

Womens lives change immeasurably after babies/children come along. Mens lives don't change a single bit. Men keep on living as they always have. You will always put your child before yourself, and probably your husband/partner before yourself. He will never put anyone before himself. Men just don't.

Right from the birth, men can go out and get pissed and roll home drunk at 5am the next day. Women can't. And that sets the scene.

He will always have the advantage, and you will always be expected to be 'main nurturer.' Be prepared to be the one taking time off work if your baby is ill, or the school's shut, or the childminder lets you down. And be prepared to be the one called if the child is at school and needs a parent. It will be you, not the child's dad. If your child falls out with a friend, their mum will have a go at YOU, not their dad.

As I said, get used to it. This is how it will be. Forever.............. 😬

Also, you are pregnant and living with this man..... Why has he not married you?!

It's all about biology! Women have babies, men don't! There's no point whatsoever in feeling resentful - it is what it is!! I would have liked my DH to give up alcohol in solidarity with me, but he didn't, because he didn't have to!

I think the PP has exaggerated things though - my DH is far from being a 'new man' but he did step up when he had to, did his fair share of being the parent to stay home if children were sick etc.

There's really no point though in resisting biology! If your man is supportive in every other way, then you are ahead!

Thank you @RiderofRohan this one hit home.
My partner is an amazing man - very hard working, loving & emotionally intelligent. I’m so proud of him and all he’s achieving at work right now, he deserves to go out and party ☺️

I had a wobble tonight because he’s gone out for the second week on the trot where he will come home around 3am / 4am and be very drunk. I think I feel jealous because I’ve been feeling a little lonely & sick / headaches, etc.

But just this afternoon I was feeling sick and made a passing comment that I felt like all I could stomach was chippy chips (?? 😂). He came home on his lunch break just to bring me some. It’s small & silly, but it mattered.

I should try get out my tunnel vision. Thanks for this comment, I forget how fortunate I am sometimes - to be expecting a baby with somebody I love.