I thought we were ready for second child but probably not

[BeHappyChuck]

Our DS is 2 years old and we thought we were ready for second one. I have just missed my period and now it's dawned upon us that we are not at all ready to have and bring up another child with all the winter sickness our DS has been getting from nursery. He is constantly sick with various bugs and feels like we will really struggle with a second DC in this mix with such small gap.
We don't have any family around to help us with any childcare or any help. We are so unsure now of what we want. Has anyone been in similar situation as us before and how did you cope with it?

We feel like if we get a positive pregnancy test then we will have to look at termination and not plan any child until our DS is bit older but we are running out of time at 34 years old.

You are probably better off taking a test before panicking OP. At 34, if you are sure you want another baby one day I wouldn’t abort the baby you conceived on purpose because of winter bugs. It’s a really common age gap and you will cope just fine, and they are only small for a small amount of time anyway. But obviously if that test is negative it’s absolutely time to go back on contraception until the time feels right.

@TeaKitten I got a faint positive today. Not sure at all about anything 😕😔

Please don't panic. By the time you're due it'll be spring so you'll be well clear of all the winter bugs, plus your DS will be a whole 9 months older - he'll develop a lot in that time. Plus I'm guessing his free nursery hours will kick in before the new baby turns one, so that'll give you a bit of breathing space to have some one on one time with baby.
I think everyone worries a bit when they find out they're pregnant, but give yourself sometime to get used to the idea and focus on the positives

@Jellybott thank you so much for responding 🙏 I can really do with some advice.

what if you couldn't conceive in a few years time or it took longer than you thought to get pregnant again? Terminating because your oldest brings a few bugs home from nursery seems a bit...sad really OP. By the time this baby came home you could have your eldest home with you whilst on mat leave and then they'd go straight into school

I mean not just the bugs. I had really tough time with DC's birth. Too much medical intervention and EMCS. Recovery was tough. The baby days were hard. We feel very unsure about what to do as the reality is setting upon us now.

i wouldn’t terminate for a reason like that, you might never conceive again - you’re also talking about termination as if it’s easy. it’s not, it lives with you forever

Hi OP, my second was planned but we have a two year age gap and there’s been ups and downs like with any age gap but ultimately you get through it and now my youngest is one and it feels like the year flew by. I took my eldest out of nursery while I was home and she will be starting again soon.

My DH does most of the looking after DS as DS has gone into terrible 2s territory and doesn't seems to listen to anything I say. I don't want to overwhelm DH will lots of additional responsibilities with another DC. He is very supportive and helpful and will support whatever I decide but I feel like very incapable mother.

It’s ok if the timing doesn’t work. But you need to be as sure as you can be that if you didn’t manage to fall pregnant again you would be ok with that.

I say that as someone who terminated an unplanned pregnancy when DC1 was 2 because I just knew, when I looked at that test, I wasn’t ready yet to do it again. But I also knew as much as anyone ever can be that if I did only ever have DC1 it would be okay.

We went on to try for DC2 a few years later and had them when DC1 was five.

DM if you want to. Good luck making your decision x

@TheHorneSection thank you so much for responding 🙏 ❤️ sent you PM.

We had similar feelings when we found out I was pregnant with number 2, we were sort of talking about a second but hadn't completely decided it was for us. I then accidentally fell pregnant and initially struggled with the idea of it and deciding what to do. We've decided to continue and I'm now 16 weeks and feel more settled, but I've definitely had moments of 'are we doing the right thing'.

I realise this can't help you make your decision but it's always nice to know you aren't the only one that feels a certain way! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

@Lola871 thanks for responding 🙏♥️ my plan is to give it a few days and see how I feel about all of it. Don't want to take a wrong decision 😔

When are you going to do a test?

Sounds like you have just got cold feet. I would just think on it for a while. You obviously did want another so I am not sure what has changed really. I wouldn't risk not being able to conceive later to be honest.

@TeaKitten I got a positive test

@ginandtonicwithlimes I agree, I feel I am scared of all the commitment now and how difficult it would be with two young children.

You say that you feel like an incapable mother. Also that the birth and early days were very difficult. How is your mental health? Because feeling like you're not good enough and can't cope can be signs of depression. If you have been feeling low and overwhelmed, I would encourage you to talk to your GP. Seek support and maybe get some counselling as it could help you to talk to a professional about how you feel about this pregnancy and in general.

Having 2 is really hard but doable as long as you reach out for support when you need it (I needed it!) Equally, if you really don't want another child, it is ok to terminate the pregnancy. You still have time to digest and reflect.

we were trying to conceive our second child for two years and were ready to undergo IVF when I fell pregnant the month before we were due to start fertility treatments.

despite that, I was riddled with doubt that we could cope with another child for weeks 8-16 of this pregnancy! I’m 19 weeks now and only just starting to feel excited again.

dont rush your decision because you’re scared - I think that can be a normal reaction to being pregnant again, particularly if you had some trauma surrounding your previous birth. Give yourself a week to think and talk it through with your partner

Things might not be any easier when your first child is older! There will be school illnesses, juggling after school clubs and holiday care, endless birthdays etc.
Its okay to not want another one or to not want another one right now but imo your reasons aren’t that logical so definitely give yourself some time to mull over whether this is cold feet now it’s real or if you really don’t want another now.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. Every situation is obviously different but for us the jump from 0 to 1 kid was significantly harder than the jump from 1 to 2. The baby just has to fit in! It can be chaos at times but it's not as life changing as the first.

You are in the hardest time of winter sickness and a hard time of child raising. But my experience suggests that you are actually not very far away from an easier time. I had a tough birth, tough babyhood and a long dark winter of sickness when my daughter was 18-24 months but at 2.5 it finally got a little easier. When she was 3 I was ready again. That is still awhile away for you, but it is not impossibly far.

By all means make the right decision for you and your family, but I want to say that I think it might get fun, easier and more manageable soon.

@EMcG3 thanks for posting your experience. I feel we are in the thick of things now and that makes it harder to see the long term prospects in future 💖 Really appreciate your kind words. I think it would be a great gap for both DC and they will benefit from companionship at least in childhood

It is the hardest time. I got a positive test about this time of year on my son's second birthday. I cried for a week.

By the time my second was born, my son was 2y8mo, much older and more capable and also at a really lovely age to "help" me with the baby - he'd run and fetch whatever we needed if I'd left it in the other room, and he was delighted to "entertain" baby by setting up Thomas train crashes in front of the bouncer (so I could be hands-free to cook some pasta or whatever!) He'd been through most of the early nursery years bugs by then and wasn't so much of a risk for bringing them home. He was out of the "mine!" stage by then too, and they've played nicely together - most of the time! I'm really pleased with how that age gap worked out tbh, so I thought I'd share that experience. Also having a summer infant was a lot easier too in terms of bugs.

DH and I are not British and have no family around to help out, but this was good timing for us to get our family completed and move forward. It helps if your childcare needs are about the same for both so you're not caught having to be in two places for very long. If your eldest was eg 5, you'd be managing school and nursery at the same time and school can be a lot less flexible to work with, and then as DC2 starts school, DC1 is preparing to leave primary. If it's just going to be you both with no support, I'd personally prefer try and manage the children together for as long as possible. That's my 2c but others may have had different experiences.