I thought we were ready for second child but probably not

[BeHappyChuck]

Our DS is 2 years old and we thought we were ready for second one. I have just missed my period and now it's dawned upon us that we are not at all ready to have and bring up another child with all the winter sickness our DS has been getting from nursery. He is constantly sick with various bugs and feels like we will really struggle with a second DC in this mix with such small gap.
We don't have any family around to help us with any childcare or any help. We are so unsure now of what we want. Has anyone been in similar situation as us before and how did you cope with it?

@BattleofBeamfleot thanks for sharing your experience ♥️❤️
This is very helpful. Gives me perspective as being in the thick of things isn't letting us hink clearly. Hope your DCs get along and play together 😊

Hi Op,

Hope you're okay?

I've got a 21 month old and I'm 5+4 weeks pregnant . I am SO overwhelmed, excited but scared. Took us 9 months to fall pregnant the 1st time, this time DTD once - so we kind of expected it to be the same this time and my son would be edging 3 or older.

I lost my mum when I was 11 & my dad recently - my brother made a comment about how happy he is to have siblings as he wouldn't cope without us - that was the the lightbulb moment for me to go ahead with a second. My son will be 2.5 when this second is born, of course if all goes well. Whilst it's a half the age gap I ever ever wanted, I know it will be wonderful to watch them bond and have each other as support in layer life events.

I'm a bit panicked about how we will cope but millions of other families survive and go onto have 3+ children! It must be do able and whilst I have my siblings and partners parents around, it's not the village everyone tells you about and can feel sometimes no one's around to help. I had awful postnatal anxiety from 6months to about 18 months which makes me feel sick to my stomach of going through again, those days were dark but now we're out the other side it's a lot easier! It was around my sons development and I was constantly comparing.. turns out he is a little genius and so so clever & wonderful.

So yeah, what I'm trying to say is I'm in the same situation and the 'oh f**k, what have we done hit us' but then I think of how wonderful my son is, regardless of the horrific tantrums/his way or the high way/zero listening skills.. it will only be short term and when they're both older it will be lovely and much more independent!

Not much I can help with and sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to let you know to you're not alone, whatever decision you make is totally okay and your reasons are YOUR reasons and has to be correct for yourself and your little family you have now, regardless of other peoples opinions.

Sending lots of love!

@Boymamaxx thanks for sharing your experience ❤️ We are thinking of keeping this pregnancy. We have enough time now to plan before baby arrives. It does feel like a lot of hard work when thinking it through, but I hope we can make this work x

At my DS's school I noticed that's 2 year age gap was really common. Half of DS1's friends had siblings either 2 years ahead or 2 years behind.

So while I get your fear (I had it too but was older so knew I had limited time) please take comfort in the fact that lots of people face this and cope.

I got a buggy board for the push chair for DS1 to stand on, DS2 is an incredibly sociable child and slotted straight into nursery and school because the environments were so familiar to him due to DS1's drop offs.

Also the development in your DS1 over the next 8-9 months will be so massive that a lot of your current fears won't be an issue.

Now they are 16 and 14, although they're quite different children they are great friends and it's so lovely to see.

Hi OP :)

If you had a traumatic first birth and would be worried about similar issuss happening again, I’d recommend asking to be referred to the perinatal mental health team. I also had an EMCS during the pandemic partly due to issues with my care. The mental health team will help make a birth plan for you so that the medical staff will be aware of anything that triggers you.

Just to say op, you'd have plenty of time to decide what is best for your body if you decide to go through with another pregnancy. I think realistically none of us know what to expect or how our body will react with a first birth, its all a bit unknown. But now you have experience and more knowledge on your side. I had a planned section with mine and honestly it was the best and smoothest experience for me. The kicker is needing someone to hand for a few weeks afterwards while you recover but from all the research I did, the recovery from a planned section is much better than from an emergency section. You've plenty of time to plan what you'd want to be different a second time and know what you like/ didn't like / found helpful etc to go in more prepared. But I will say that after a difficult birth it's fully and completely understandable that you'd be nervous and hesitant of going again.

We're planning for a second when ds turns 2.5 because I'm the same age as you(fingers crossed it works out for us). I know it's going to be a few years of chaos but I'm planning to hand myself over to it because we definitely want a second. There's always bugs etc to be brought home from nursery or school etc, it's just part of it but there's things you can do to manage that like getting your eldest to wash their hands and change when they get in before going to see baby and no kisses on the face.

Ultimately its absolutely your choice, you don't need to do anything if you don't feel ready. But I do think your concerns are ones you might have further down the road as well. You've time to sit with this until you decide what is right for you and your family.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. We are still contemplating but we feel we would want to keep this pregnancy as we wanted a second DC as well as our ages (me being 34, DH 39). We don't have a lot of time now to keep delaying this. Hope this all works out for us.

FWIW I think that's a good decision especially as your DH is 39. Congratulations! And best of luck with your pregnancy.

If you're not ready you know what to do, but you have time to pause and think. Don't rush into either choice x

I felt the same when I accidentally got pregnant with number 2. DS1 was only 17 months when I fell pregnant again. We had taken years with DS1 to fall pregnant (PCOS)
I was so scared, I thought of abortion as my now ex husband was useless.
I'm so glad I kept him, he's the light of my life, he's just the loveliest person.
Him and his brother are the best of friends and they adore each other. They even socialise and holiday together.
It was hard at the beginning I'm not going to lie, but not unmanageable. And you sound like you've got a very supportive husband.
Also, I had a bad birth with DS1, which needed an EMCS. I opted for a planned section for my second which was lovely and I recovered very quickly.
Good luck, you will be fine x

@Yourenotthekingofallthegays thank you for your kind words. I think I should go with the flow and things will work out. I am so glad they eventually worked out for you x

You're just in a panic OP. I think pregnancy is a bit like queuing for a rollercoaster, getting on, putting the strap thing down and then once it locks in you want to scream and say 'let me off!' even though you've queued to be on there.

Having a second child doesn't mean repeating your experience with your first. You will have learned a lot and gained insight from the experience. Second births tend to be easier, you know how to care for a baby, you know how to ask for help. It might not be plain sailing but it's not a rerun of the first time around.

For what it's worth, I was a bit on the fence about having a second one but found everything a lot easier. It made me realise my firstborn had been a fairly challenging baby!

Hey @BeHappyChuck I would love to hear how things worked out for you. I just came across this thread as I have found myself in a similar situation to yours.

Hey OP. I’m in early pregnancy again and I have a 14 month old! Totally planned as I’m 34 and really want two DC and a sibling for my oldest. I wasn’t willing to put it off in case it didn’t happen. Honestly, I’ve had days when my DD is more challenging and it’s a struggle with being in the first trimester BUT I’d much rather this than her being 3 and having to do it all over again: potty training, night feeds, nappies etc! I wouldn’t have a termination for a planned baby, especially at 34 personally. I was so relieved to be pregnant again as I was concerned it would take a while.

I had an EMCS too btw. I have already decided I will be having an ELCS next time and I am hopeful it will transform the initial few newborn period. I was exhausted from a long labour and the tiredness made me unable to think rationally and I felt a failure last time. I am at peace with having an ELCS.

Btw, my niece is now in year 1 and despite being in nursery four days a week since 13 months she’s had a few days off school already with an infection she picked up the first couple of days. So I wouldn’t rely on your oldest suddenly having this great immune system if you wait a few years.

I can totally understand feeling overwhelmed. I feel nervous too but I’m so excited about the bond I hope my DC will have. Here for a handhold. 💐