Gender disappointment

[KikiCB32]

Hi there,
I’ve (32 F) recently joined mumsnet because I have become increasingly worried about how I am currently feeling about my pregnancy. I am 12 weeks with my first child. I have recently found out via a NIPT the gender - a little boy. However, since finding this out I have been suffering extreme fear, anxiety and dare I say disappointment not just associated with gender, but around my pregnancy as a whole. I never really imagined myself with a child and maybe the few times I have it would have been a little girl, but I never thought I had a preference to either. It appears that finding out gender has shaken me and I can’t focus on anything positive about my pregnancy. The guilt is eating me up and I feel so ungrateful for being blessed with a little boy.

I guess I’m after any shared experiences or advice on how best to manage these feelings, as the thought of going through the next 6 months like this is exhausting.

Thank you so much in advanced.

I’m sorry I’ve not been in that position but after having a miscarriage at 13 weeks this year (first pregnancy), it has put everything I was worried about into perspective. After realising how common miscarriages are, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant and do not give a damn about the gender. You are really lucky to have a healthy pregnancy - maybe there is something else going on which is giving you the anxiety, but if it is just the gender that is bothering you, I think you need to get some perspective.

@KatieJ345 I'm so sorry for your loss, that's not easy to go through at all. But I suppose all different things trigger anxiety.

@KikiCB32 I suffered something similar I loved my baby but couldn't align that for the vision I had for the future. Alway pictured myself with a couple of girls. I had a bad experience with my brother he never stopped moving jumping and being destructive and he drove me insane so that was my boy association. I also had nephews that were wired and so boyish. But my son is nothing like that he's honestly the sweetest little boy with such a big heart. I think you could talk to someone and find out if there is an underlying issue that is causing you to have anxiety over this. If you ever need to talk I'm here. I think you should address it now as you don't want anything to stop you bonding with him when he is born x

@KatieJ345 I’m so sorry for your loss and I apologise if my post has triggered, I realise this is an exceptionally sensitive subject. I totally agree with you, I am focusing on the wrong things and the intensity of my anxiety is what’s worrying/ scaring me and something I am trying to muddle my way through and get to the root cause. I appreciate you sharing your story with me and I think having an insight into others experiences and different perspectives is one of the main reasons I joined mumsnet, so I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I wish you all the best for your next pregnancy.

@roro87 thank you so much for responding. I think you summed it up well, it hasn’t aligned with my ‘vision’ and I know that in life that rarely happens! My partner has a son who is 10years old and he is causing all different problems, and I think you are right in saying it’s about association and experiences with boys (I’m a very girl heavy family so not something we are used to).

I am hoping this feeling is just temporary and you are definitely right, I need to explore a little deeper about the root cause of the anxiety that seems to have triggered something.

It’s so lovely to hear how you have a darling little boy and thank you for being so kind x

@KikiCB32 I think it’s good that you want to dig a little deeper in finding the root cause of the anxiety. Don’t worry, I don’t find it triggering, just wanted to help you realise how special it is to be having either gender. I’m sure that when your little boy is here you will feel differently. Wishing you all the best with the pregnancy.

He won't just be a boy. He will be YOUR boy, and once you've got to know him and your life is wrapped around his, then you'll not even be able to remember how your heart could have possibly beaten without him in the world. I promise you there is a day in the future where you will love him with such an intensity that the idea that you ever wanted him to be anything else will seem absurd.

Congratulations on your wonderful little boy. I hope you enjoy all the adventures that you and him have to look forward to together.

My son has been affectionate, helpful and caring from the start, whereas my daughter has always been obstinate and difficult. They are people right from babyhood, not carbon copies of the "stereotypes".🙂

Thank you @bluesatin not carbon copies of stereotypes is a good way of thinking of it. Thank you for introducing this perspective.

OP firstly just to prewarn you, a lot of posters will come and remind you it's sex of your baby not gender (just accept it otherwise your thread will get detailed!).
To my shame I felt the same with my second pregnancy. I wanted a girl so much and no idea why. I did eventually have a DD (and 3 boys). They are now all teenagers. One of the boys is kind of the stereotypical girl I was hankering for. Loving, chatty, kind, snuggly a friend who likes watching films with me, going out for lunch etc. My DD is hard nosed, never sympathetic, no similar interests. I obviously love them all the same but enjoy my son's company far more and relate to him much more than DD.

I was worried when I found out I was having a boy because there’s a discernible strand of poor MH in male relatives on my maternal side (maternal grandfather admitted to a psychiatric hospital on a number of occasions, that man’s son (mother’s half brother) was diagnosed schizophrenic (80s), maternal uncle (mother’s full brother) has lifelong depression, anxiety and disordered eating, and my own younger brother is a fragile, anxious, depressed man. But my boy is my boy. And I’m keeping a watchful eye on him as he grows.

Good for you for finding out your baby’s sex and trying to unpick what’s going on in your head about it all.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I would perhaps try to speak with someone about why you’re feeling like this and to gain some perspective. As PP have said, you are so lucky to have a healthy pregnancy regardless of gender. My partner has MF infertility that is untreatable - so we are unable to get pregnant at all. All the best with your pregnancy and enjoy being a mum to a beautiful little boy

I always respond in these posts. Lots of women seem to have a preference for a girl not because of the pink girly stuff but because they think a little girl will be more like them, they'll have more in common, more of a connection. Maybe they have bad associations with men and boys. Maybe they only have sisters or were very close to their mums. All this is understandable.
However, this little boy won't be some random boy. He's 50% you and 50% your partner (I assume a man you love).
I have one of each and my son is much more like me than DD. My son looks like me and we have very similar personalities (rather nervous, sensitive types but also very humorous and thoughtful). My DD on the other hand looks like her dad and is like him too - very confident, sporty, gung-ho type of person. So my children's sex doesn't really come in to it. I relate to my son, I understand him and we're in tune simply because we're so alike. I absolutely adore my daughter, love her equally of course but she's not like me in most ways. So don't assume you'd have a closer bond with a daughter.
As for feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy in general, that's very common. It's the biggest, most life changing thing you'll ever go through. It's OK to feel terrified. Keep an eye on your feelings though. I ended up getting ante-natal depression. There's help if you need it.

This
I have three boys.
First one, loves dancing, singing, dress up, gymnastics, he is the least "boyish" boy ever. He's the most affectionate child. Huge reader.
Second (twin1) loves anything with wheels or wings. Loves getting dirty and is like a stereotypical BOY. But he does the best thing when he kisses you where he holds your face. He's Def the clingiest and cuddliest and sweetest kid ever.
Third (twin2) is somewhere between. Loves dressing up and cars, is the closest I have to a chilled child. Loves a bit of piece and quiet.

Three very different children. And yes the twins wrestle but omg you should be the middle child around babies and puppies 🥰 it's like his heart grows twice the size and he's so gentle.

Hi OP. I went through the exact same thing when I found out I was pregnant with a boy. I now have a daughter too and whilst I wouldn't admit this irl I'm closer to my son and we have such a strong bond. I would never have believed it if someone told me years ago as I was always so desperate for a little girl. Of course I love them both equally.

@smilesup thanks for pre warning, I would hate to offend anyone with using gender / sex wrong so thank you for that! And thank you for taking time to respond x

I went through the same thing with my second pregnancy, my first born is a wonderful person and my world and I love him with all my heart but when I found out the second was going to be another boy I felt like you. Honestly it spoiled my pregnancy and I wish I hadn't found out.

i had some complications at birth and all I cared about was that he was delivered safe and well, my heart melted when I finally got him in my arms. I said to my hubby, I was a little disappointed (understatement) when I found out he was a boy but now that he's here I just want him all those feelings you're describing disappeared. He's amazing and I love him just as much as my first.

the thing with pregnancy is it's all so abstract you're imagining this little baby but in reality once they're here it's very different.

get some counselling/ therapy if you can, looking back I realise now I was struggling with my mental health during pregnancy and my anxiety attached it self to the sex of my baby, I wonder if it's the same for you.

I remember being really worried during pregnancy that I wouldn't bond with the baby because he's a boy. Well I couldn't have been more wrong we are super bonded and attached.

theres a good non judgemental forum that I found helped me when I was feeling that way I'll link it below.

Gender disappointment forum

Don’t feel guilty or ashamed you can’t help your feelings! If I’m honest I felt the same, I’ve had two children and I really wanted a girl both times. I didn’t want to feel that way but I did. My first was a boy and I found out at 16 weeks and I don’t think I admitted it to anyone but secretly I was a bit disappointed. He’s 3 now and I absolutely would not change him for the world- he’s kind, loving, cheeky, handsome and funny. I’m sure you will feel differently once he’s here xx

I do understand where you’re coming from.

I come from a family of mainly girls and we love that it’s always “girl days out” or “girls brunch”. When I got pregnant me and my sister would say what if it’s a BOY and low and behold we had a little boy.

He’s my absolute world and is so loving and cuddly, my sisters and cousins love spoiling him and he’s treated like a little prince. I think what I’m trying to say is once they put that baby in your arms these gender disappointments will melt away instantly. Plus I think of all the free time I’ll have when his dad will be taking him to football etc and I can stay home 😂

I went into pregnancy not bothered. Tbh especially before puberty I can't see there being much of a difference, its all down to their personality 😂. This has also been a very complicated pregnancy, I've been in hospital several times with sickness, pain, bleeding - suspected ectopic, thinking I'm losing him. The sheer fear of it all, I just want my baby safely in my arms. I probably wouldn't give a shit if it came out a puppy as long as it was healthy after everything (scan confirms definitely human though 😂).

However, everyone else thought I was having a girl. Every old wives tale, nub theory, I'm one of several girls, most of family is girls. Everyone was imagining a little girl. I decided to find out because I didn't want myself and everyone else to end up 'disappointed' when it wasn't what we'd built up in our minds at birth. When I say 'disappointed' I mean like saying you REALLY want one of 2 presents for christmas, the person buying drops hints its one and you get really excited and build it up but when you open it, its the other. You don't dislike the present, you still really wanted it and love it, just wasn't what you expected and built up.

It was a boy 😂. Took everyone else a couple of days to adjust but quickly everyone is now excited for him. My husband wasn't sure about finding out but he said afterwards it was the right call as he really had convinced himself was a girl and took some adjustment. He's absolutely in love with his upcoming son. He sings and talks to my bump, gravitates to baby sections to look at stuff to buy him. He's going to be the most adored and spoilt baby in the universe when he arrives.

Give yourself some time to make your new vision and be kind to yourself.

What a beautiful post.

OP, I had slight disappointment when I found out I was having a girl. I just always pictured myself with boys. But everything @pbdr has said above is exactly how I feel about my DD now.

@FlyingHighFlyingLow thank you so much for your comment and sharing your experience. I can’t wait to get to that point where we have all adjusted and will focus on the safe arrival and not just the sex. I’ve read your comment many times and it’s provided some excellent reassurance. What a great forum this really is.

I hope you a safe rest of the pregnancy and thank you again xx

Once you hold that little boy in your arms and he’s actually here, you will be totally in love. If that doesn’t happen then maybe seek someone to talk to but I’m sure that’s what will happen.

@KikiCB32 i had this with my first pregnancy. I’m one of three girls and out of the 15 cousins in my family only one is a boy, so I think there was something about it being so unknown for me.

the second I met him I knew it didn’t matter in the slightest. He’s almost 2 now and he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. He’s my little guy and I would do anything for him.

its ok to feel how you’re feeling, but I promise it’ll slip away as soon as you meet the tiny man you’ll be spending your life with :)

Hey OP. Congratulations! Your views are totally valid but, as others have reminded you and which you clearly already understand, perspective helps with the feelings you’re experiencing, I have found.

I didn’t have gender disappointment but I did have disappointment around my experience of labour and birth (induction and emergency C-section) - after doing all the hypnobirthing courses and barely giving any alternative to this ‘vision’ of my perfect birth a thought. (Yes, I know: totally foolish!) Regrettably, my first precious days with my baby were clouded by coming to terms with the birth I didn’t have. Of course I always knew this to be true but the turning point came a few days in when I had this moment of clarity in the midst of the exhaustion and realised how lucky I was to have a healthy baby and, crucially, that for some new parents, birthing experiences are truly disappointing and even devastating. I’d had a few worrying scans along the way too, but nothing extremely concerning. So I also felt guilty and ungrateful because of this.

I hope you get your moment of realisation which proves to be the turning point soon so you can enjoy every moment of this precious time. I pray for a healthy little boy one day but also for another healthy girl. I always think what a privilege it must be to bring up a little boy to grow into a wonderful man. (Of course the same applies with raising women.) All the best. 💐

Once you have him in your arms you will realise he was always the baby you were meant to have.

mum of two boys here and they are absolutely my world