The vasectomy reversed itself

[ShootingStarExpresso]

Our child is three and they are adorable and wonderful and everything we could have asked for and more but we found that we were not really enjoying parenthood as much as we would have liked and I was left feeling like I very much lost myself in everything so husband and I agreed to a vasectomy when she was 18 months. He went to all the appointments and check ups and everything was clear. Or so we thought.

But as you can imagine I’m pregnant now. And totally distraught. On top of that when explaining to the doctor that my husband had a vasectomy and needed to be looked at l got the dirtiest looks from the nurses like I was such an awful cheating human being. I already felt insecure because even though my husband never questioned it I saw the look of doubt in his eyes and I felt crushed. I’m not holding it against him. I realize this situation is very unlikely so I probably would have questioned it too if the situation was reversed but it still stings.

The test came back and needless to say they found evidence that the vasectomy reversed itself and my name has been cleared! The doctors and nurses have suddenly been very sympathetic to me and are very apologetic they offered to get their most experienced surgeon in to fix the reversal in a few weeks.

But here I am still with a very unplanned pregnancy and at a loss. I have never been a huge fan of abortions which played a role in our decision to get the snip! But now at a cross roads left to decide if we should start over again with another baby or choose to terminate.

I think I’m leaning to terminate but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

Did he actually have negative sperm samples after ?

@DustyLee123

I had to do two, as the first one came back positive.

I am thinking maybe there should be two tests, and annual testing at least during fertile years.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in OP. No advice here, just hope you make the choice that is best for you.

And it’s disgusting you were doubted.

Yes his sperm sample came back negative. He had it checked 10 weeks after the surgery and they said it was clear.

@DustyLee123

for my first reply. Sorry I’ve never used mumsnet before.

How far along are you in your pregnancy? Hopefully early enough that you can take some time to consider your options carefully and decide what is best for your family.

I'll probably get flamed for suggesting this, but if you feel like you wouldn't get over having an abortion, have you considered putting your accidental baby up for adoption?

I’m at 14 weeks and I am considering this. But I think it would be hard. I have a lot of confusing feelings when I think about them being out there and not being able to see them. My mother actually offered to raise the baby which surprised me as she’s tired and getting on in her years as she just turned 60 but she seemed excited about it not like she felt obligated to do it for my sake. I also feel confused about this but it is a comforting thought. She’s a fantastic mother and I know she would be amazing. But would they feel rejected or unloved? I don’t know. I hate having to think about all this. My mother lives in the US though so there is also that to consider.

I'm sorry this must be so hard for you. I'm normally very much in support of abortion on unplanned pregnancy threads, however if you don't think you'd ever get over it I think you might have your answer there. You know you best.

Gently, no one is a fan of abortion op...

In your shoes I'd have the baby. Your life has already been reshaped around parenthood, you're barely out of baby days. I found second time much easier as you know about babies and it's all more relaxed. Plus tbh some babies are harder than others, you might have had a demanding one first time but second time might be a different ball game. That's what I found!

You might not have gone for parenthood if you had your time again but you're in it now with your eldest.

I can see why you're upset about the vasectomy, ultimately no contraception method is 100%

Do you seriously think carrying, birthing, and giving away a child would be easier to get over than an early termination? Such an odd thing to assume.

Right on cue. Everyone is different, and some people find the idea of abortions far more upsetting than other people. Such an odd thing to assume that everyone feels the same as you do about it.

I can understand your reluctance but there are also positives. Your child will have a sibling, you are still in the nappy/baby stage and so probably still have all the equipment, you are already 14 weeks pregnant so over the sickness stage. Within a year or so your children will play together, amuse themselves and be friends. You are already reluctant to have a termination and the trauma of having one could greatly affect you.

Have you considered that part of not enjoying your parenthood could have been that for the first year there was nothing available for under 5s except online/zoom calls?
Or that women were birthing alone and with little postpartum support as you needed to be a metre apart?
This has much improved and you could have a very different experience with your baby that is growing inside you now.

Obviously it's not something anyone but you can decide, but you seem to be in a pretty fortunate position to have the baby adopted within your own family. I'm not at all an expert on this, but I think the potential rejection and abandonment issues are more common among children adopted by people who aren't related to them and who have no interaction with their birth family. If your mother does keep the child, you'd be able to keep in touch regularly and they would know who you were, even if it was only remotely. I know there's still a lot of problems and potential emotional issues on all sides of this situation, and you're best off researching for stories from people who were raised in similar situations before making your decisions.

Your children will be close together in age this intense very difficult bit won't last long. Childhood is very short and older children and teens are much easier in that you can reclaim yourself. If you don't think you would recover from an abortion, don't have one.

I'm not sure that letting someone else raise your 2nd child is a great option considering they would be your child's sibling and also the feelings of rejection which you have already considered.

Accidents happen fairly often but this could be positive too?

@Nowthenhere
This actually did contribute to a lot of my struggles. It’s funny that I forgot.

This first year of my child’s life everyone was terrified of giving her covid. People didn’t visit often. Family was very supportive but in another country so they were restricted from visiting. My mom was very tearful about not getting to meet her granddaughter in person when she was still very tiny. I didn’t really think of the fact that everything has changed so this pregnancy would be different. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I think I’m just very caught up in my feelings.

I actually did give away a lot of the newborn stuff recently but it wouldn’t be difficult to replace. My daughters bed transforms so we could turn it back into a crib and just buy her a bigger bed.

It’s just the first year was hell because of postnatal depression and feeling trapped in my own home. Once she learned to walk I felt okay again… That year felt like an eternity though.

I still feel guilty thinking about how checked out I was on the depression meds. 😔 I wish I could have been more present in her life.

Thank you for understanding. Just to clear the air I meant I wasn’ta fan of abortion for myself. Not that I have an issue with others making this choice. I hope no one was hurt by my thoughtless comment. But you’re right. I don’t know anyone who’s made this choice with joy or enthusiasm.

I think it was more a message of that abortion is never something a woman would want for herself but circumstances mean that sometimes that choice is made. I don’t think anyone necessarily has an abortion and didn’t have feelings about it so your feelings are totally understandable, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right choice for you though.

PPs have made good points in that we are now in more normal times so perhaps would be a different experience, ultimately it’s your choice to make and only you know what is the right thing for you and your family. Wishing you all the best x

I mean no one is a fan of abortion, no one actively wants one, but sometimes it's the best decision for yourself and your family. It's never going to be easy. For the poster who suggested having the baby and giving up for adoption I think this would be much more mentally traumatic than to terminate a pregnancy in the early stages.

I'm 9months into number 2 and whilst it has been hard it's also been so different. Maternity leave has been spent at a different toddler group each day and it feels more purposeful as the toddler is getting more out of it than a baby.
Things are open, family can visit etc, your little one will be entitled to pre school hours, so that will also give you a break!

The only thing that has been slightly trickier is my network consists of toddler mums, who all work.
I have met some baby mums through groups - but I have the toddler 6/7days a week and feel bad inflicting toddler energy into their relaxing coffee dates 😂.

I have had PND this time too, which has been hard. But it's been different.

Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your family ❤️. But just to give the other side of the coin some perspective!

I don't think parenting your second will be difficult in the same way.

You can all be alert for postnatal depression, there won't be lockdowns and it won't be the huge shock of parenting.

Hopefully your mum will come and help and you will have more of a network of others to meet with etc.

I have just had a baby and already have a 2 year old. Honestly this time around has been so much better. The baby has been much easier. I think I must have been depressed last time and this time has been a lovely refreshing experience.
I am not anti abortion and obviously it is completely your choice and what you feel is the right decision for you and your circumstances. All I'm saying is don't assume that your experience with a new baby will be the same this time around. You are already in mum mode and have all of the wisdom and experience of motherhood to draw upon this time. If it were me I would give it a chance but its your decision.

It sounds like you went through a really rough time with your first. But as people have said, it’s a different time now. Covid was so stressful, everything was online, everyone was scared of this virus…

You now have six months to work on your own health and wellbeing, research mum and baby groups, find that support network. Speak to your midwife and see what support she can suggest too. You needn’t be alone 💐

I just wanted to update you all and thank you. You gave me the courage to go ahead and tough things out. We’ve decided to keep the baby and raise it ourselves even though it wasn’t ideal we will love it all the same.