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Original poster

Terrified I won’t love my second as much

26 replies

LucyEleanorModeratz · 18/09/2023 22:47

Hello wise MNers

I’m currently 35 weeks’ pregnant with our second baby.

Said baby was very much wanted and planned (unlike our first who was a ‘happy accident’) and yet I can’t shake the feeling I just won’t love the second in the same way.

My firstborn is the absolute light of my life - I didn’t think love on this scale existed to be honest, and I just can’t envisage feeling that same way again.

I suppose my feelings are interspersed with - and compounded by - feelings of immense guilt that I’m about to completely overhaul my eldest’s life.

I suppose I’m just after experiences - am I alone in feeling this way? Has anybody had their second and not loved it as much and, if so, how did you manage that?

Please be kind x

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MrsKathyFraser · 18/09/2023 22:49

Long time ago, but I did have the same concern.
All I can say is, you just will. It's mystically unlimited, love.

MonkeyPuddle · 18/09/2023 22:51

You will lovely.
Love is limitless, holds no bounds and grows every day.

You will love that child with your entire being.

Clefable · 18/09/2023 22:52

I thought it would be impossible to love anyone as much as my first, but your love expands and I love both DDs just the same. Some days I like one of them more than the other, but the balance of that changes depending on who is being a terror Grin

Just don't worry if the love isn't immediate. It'll come.

GammonAndEggs · 18/09/2023 22:52

I’m now in my 50s with 5 adult kids.
I felt exactly the same as you when I was pregnant with my second. My wise old mum told me something I have never forgotten.

She said when each baby is born, we also deliver a placenta, which we can see…the bit we don’t see, is that each baby is born in its very own wave of love, just for itself. It’s not shared. We don’t have to ‘share’ the love we have for our firstborn. The second born has its own love.

Love just grows.
Trust me, she was right!

Minniemoo60 · 18/09/2023 22:52

I’m 38 weeks pregnant and feel exactly the same. My hormones are all over the place at the moment and I feel so guilty that it’s not going to be just me and my little boy anymore. I’m worrying he won’t be okay and he will resent and not like me like he does now. I’m so excited to meet our second baby, but this guilt is constantly
overshadowing it. I’m having a section so worrying that he will hate I can’t pick him up even though I do keep trying to explain to him. I’ve been told your heart just grows for the love for your second,
but I’m so worried my little boy will feel pushed out and that I can’t be the same Mom to my second child as I am to my
son.

AbsoluteYawns · 18/09/2023 22:54

Terrified? Really OP that's extreme language.

You will be fine. Stop overthinking it. You will find that love is not finite.

toomanyleggings · 18/09/2023 23:01

I had the same feelings. Even after she was born I felt a bit like she wasn’t mine and wanted to get home to my ‘real’ baby. It took about 5 days and then I was besotted. But you do have slightly different feelings for them I’d say. You don’t love one more than the other but it can be a bit different. My first is 7 years older so she was centre of my world for a long time. That doesn’t just go away. My second is just a totally amazing little person. They’re special to you in their own ways.

LightSpeeds · 18/09/2023 23:04

You will 😃

OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/09/2023 23:07

I've literally just been through this and terrified was exactly how I felt as well coupled with that horrible knot in your stomach.

I can't explain it properly but I wasn't excited about my last pregnancy at all. I was practical about it. It was a thing that was happening and we were doing we could to prepare my eldest (big age gap) for our impending arrival. I say I was practical, I bought most things second hand except for the cot etc baby was born early and we didn't have a lot of what we needed.

When I went into labour, it suddenly hit me. I loved this baby. Things got tough during the labour and all I wanted was for my family to be whole, healthy and complete.

Being handed the baby was like the first time with that huge rush of love, emotion and exhaustion. I love them both fiercely and equally, but in different ways. Dc2 is now 4ms and the newest love in my life.

ditalini · 18/09/2023 23:14

My mum told me that she literally wept when she was about your stage because she loved me so much and had "ruined" my life (I was a bolshy 2yr old) getting pregnant again with a baby she couldn't possibly love as much.

Obviously as soon as ds was born she was smitten immediately and didn't even remember this temporary madness until a while afterwards.

She only told me about it years later when I was pregnant with ds2 in case I had the same worry.

The love expands in an amazing way.

CoodleMoodle · 18/09/2023 23:27

You will, OP. I thought the same! How could I ever love anyone as much as DD, my beautiful, wonderful girl? There was just no way! Then DS was born and it was like he came with his own supply of love. And that love doubled for both of them as soon as I saw them together, too. They don't always get on (understatement!) but they adore one another underneath it all and it makes me so happy I just can't explain it.

I love them both exactly the same amount, and they bring different things to my life, and they drive me nuts in their own ways, but I couldn't imagine not having one of them.

Conniethecatapillar · 18/09/2023 23:30

I felt the same and I literally cried when I went into labour with my second, I was so worried the whole way through. As soon as she was here obviously I loved her exactly the same, but of course you don't believe that when you're pregnant and you can't imagine the love will be there but it will!

Streuthbruce · 18/09/2023 23:36

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caringcarer · 18/09/2023 23:37

I thought that too when I was pregnant especially because I had a difficult pregnancy the second time, but it just happens somehow and you do. It helped my second DC was a very good sleeper.

2023dana · 18/09/2023 23:57

Totally felt all of this. Had my second last month and as the date got closer I really was panicking about all of these feelings. It felt even worse that I was having a C-section so because I knew when she was coming, all of the day before it I told myself ‘this is the last day ever of only being your mum’ and it made me cry so much 😭

When my first was born and I saw him for the first time it really did feel the way you’d imagine it would in a film. My heart was just bursting for him. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel in that moment with my second. When it came to it to be completely honest it felt a lot more flat! I’m not sure if it’s just because I didn’t know what to expect last time and got the huge rush of emotions. This time I didn’t cry and I feel quite guilty that I didn’t 🙈 when I’ve looked back on the pictures/videos though I’ve realised my baby didn’t cry at first so I was maybe slightly holding back waiting for that, whereas last time he screamed the place down so I was so overwhelmed/relieved etc I just burst into tears.

It’s so different with your second but I think what you need to remind yourself is you aren’t coming home from hospital with a child the same age as your first. Your first will still be the main focus of everything. You actually realise how boring a newborn is when you see how little they do! I found it easier to instantly love my first in hospital but that was because I’d loved him for the whole 9 months before it and had no one else to pour that love into. I feel like this time I held back my love until I met her, obviously I massively cared about her while I was pregnant but it wasn’t as easy to love her before I’d ever met her when I already loved someone that much. I do love her now and having the time just with her in hospital really helped. They are just so different at this stage you really can’t compare your love at all as they both need completely different things from you.

The crucial thing is the fact you aren’t replacing your first and you’re not coming home with a child the same as them. Once I had got my head round that I stopped feeling so guilty! Good luck, within 24 hours itl all feel so normal

Original poster
LucyEleanorModeratz · 22/09/2023 12:34

Thank you everybody for your responses, actually took me a while to read them as I ended up sobbing (in a good way) after each one - I’m blaming the hormones!

@2023dana completely makes sense and to be honest I didn’t even get that immediate rush of love with my first , it took me a few weeks before I was besotted, so if it doesn’t happen right away I will try not to worry. Likewise I imagine my 3y/o is going to require a good deal more of my attention than the newborn for a while!

@Minniemoo60 im having a section too so completely sympathise. A friend of mine advised to stop picking up my little boy now (I’m 36 weeks) so that he doesn’t associate the drop in affection with the newborn , which makes perfect logical sense but I just can’t face it at the minute as I want to be wrapping him up at every moment I can given it won’t be ‘just him’ in a few short weeks’ time. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and delivery 💐

OP posts:
aprilshowers2015 · 22/09/2023 12:55

I was in the exact same boat with my now 3m old 2nd baby. I couldn't fathom possibly loving him as much as I loved his sister and was terrified that I wouldn't have a relationship with me.
When he was born and put on my chest, I literally felt me heart double, it was amazing.
When it was just the two of us in hospital that afternoon I had a little chat and apologised for not thinking I could love him enough. It's totally unimaginable and impossible to understand until you feel it Op 💜

Yeta · 20/04/2024 00:52

Can you update us on your feelings please ? I’m feeling the same right now .

Runnerinthenight · 20/04/2024 00:55

Yeta · 20/04/2024 00:52

Can you update us on your feelings please ? I’m feeling the same right now .

Listen, I promise you that the love stretches to go around! I have 3! x

QuacketyQuack · 20/04/2024 00:57

You will. Tbh I fell in love straight away with my 2nd. I think it's because you know what to expect. But don't worry, you WILL love them the same

Noyok · 20/04/2024 01:00

I had the same concerns 28 years ago ! Absolutely adore my second child and my third! You really can spread the unconditional love ❤️

mrsed1987 · 20/04/2024 01:50

As I'm sat here feeding my 11 day old 2nd son. I can 100% confirm as everyone else has said...love just grows!

DoAhhDiddy · 20/04/2024 01:55

I felt like that. As soon as baby 2 is in your arms, those thoughts will disappear !

Pussygaloregalapagos · 20/04/2024 01:56

You will, but differently.

SongWriter · 20/04/2024 02:20

You just get more love. Seeing your children together and the relationship they build is very special.