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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I get freaked out with involvment in my pregnancy

27 replies

JungleBookGal · 10/08/2023 19:50

Hi all,

Basically me and my partner have found out im pregnant. It wasnt unplanned as such, we agreed at the time if I became pregnant we would continue as we wanted to start trying next year anyway.

It was a shock when it was positive, were both very private and reserved people so jumping up and down and being overly excited about it just isnt who we are.
We told both our parents the day of as we felt like we were happy to share the news.
But soon after everyones excitement and involvment and constant talking about pregnancy, the baby and what will change about me, my body and life is starting to really get me down.
My MIL made cupcakes for me with little baby toppers, got me gifts, keeps checking that ive made gp appointments. My parents keep sending my baby grows, baby items and forcing me to choose a cot now so she can buy it for me. Im only 5 weeks so its really just too early for all of this. Ill get random messages throughout the day about the baby, and ill just be there getting on with my day as normal almost forgetting that im pregnant.

I feel like i dont even want to see or talk to my family because i dont want to talk about being pregnant or about the baby. I just feel really really uncomfortable with all of this. I feel like it want everyone to treat me as if im not pregnant, at least until its obvious that i am (large bump and due date soon).
I really want this to be mine and my partners thing not everyone elses. If the baby was a 3rd party cooking away not inside of me, but because its in me i just feel like its really intrusive everyone being invovled.
Has anyone else felt like this at all or i alone in my strange feelings.

OP posts:
DPotter · 10/08/2023 20:14

Congratulations

basically this is one of the reasons why most people don't mention pregnancy until 12 week mark. They want to get used to the idea first themselves.

I really think there should be a health warning on POAS boxes (well 2 actually) - don't tell anyone yet, think about it first and secondly don't discuss names with anyone other than your partner.

All you can do now is tell them firmly to back off and stop hassling you. Ask them not to buy anything for you yet - you want to take your time and find your own style.

Don't share appointment details for midwife, scans etc - they'll be hassling you more

And I'm serious - DO NOT discuss names with anyone other than your partner. You don't want to be choosing a name by committee

LylaLee · 10/08/2023 20:20

Agreed about the names.

"Geronimo is a family name! You should use that!" Or "Elizabeth is always the first granddaughter's name"

Never argue, or say 'I hate it' or 'no way!' or 'Ok'. Just "Thanks for the suggestion. We will consider it."

Then, "So is he going to be called Kwame like his grandfather?" "As we said, we are considering a number of names. What lovely weather."

Clefable · 10/08/2023 20:21

I'd feel uncomfortable with all that at only 5 weeks too. Maybe just say you're glad they're excited but it's really early days so you don't want to discuss too much stuff for now.

Whataretheodds · 10/08/2023 20:24

YANBU that would make me feel uncomfortable too.

You/your partner are going to need to tell them that it's making you feel uncomfortable because it's too early.

Olika · 10/08/2023 20:34

As you have already told so early and their over excitement is getting out of hands you really have to tell them that it's is far too early to think of any of those things. That you want to first make sure all is going well with the pregnancy and you are haiku for them to help you towards the end. Personally I didn't make any plans or purchased until I was about 6 months. Good luck.

ASGIRC · 10/08/2023 20:40

That would be my idea of a nightmare too!
Ive only told my mom, in terms of family, and shes been as cool as a cucumber so far! No mentions of baby or pregnancy unless I start the conversation, which is amazing!
But one friend keeps asking me how Im feeling, and if things are "evolving nicely". Im 6 weeks. How the hell do I know?

I think, like PP have said, you need to be assertive in telling them that while you appreciate how excited they are, there isnt much to talk about yet, and it is still too early to be making many plans or buying things.

Restinggoddess · 10/08/2023 20:43

Is this the first baby in the family?

Can I suggest an alternative view ?

If this was grandchild number 13 or you had a bad relationship your parents - and no one have a monkeys about this pregnancy- how would you feel?

For whatever reason there are some new mums who have no support / no interest shown / maybe living in difficult circumstances etc etc

You told them - they are excited

If what you have learnt from this is that it is all too overwhelming- then do as PP have said and limit what you say about appointments etc

However, be grateful that you have a family that cares and are excited about the new arrival

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 10/08/2023 20:50

Waaaaay too early for anyone to be buying stuff, especially big ticket items like a cot or pram.

Maybe send a not to family saying you understand they're excited, but it's early days and you don't want to discuss the pregnancy yet, or be thinking about buying stuff, as it's bad luck (I know it's just superstition but a good excuse).

If they persist, just stop them immediately and say "not for discussion" and change the subject.

Congratulations though. I hope you can get the family to curb their excitement for a while.

ActDottie · 10/08/2023 20:54

Congrats!!

I think you told your family too early maybe but you weren’t to know they’d all make such a fuss! It does sound excessive and I don’t think I’d like it either as at 5 weeks anything can happen still.

Im not sure there’s much you can do and their initial excitement will hopefully petter out soon. But for next baby at least now you know to wait a bit longer until you tell them.

GHxx · 10/08/2023 20:54

I’ve had this a lot. I’m in the third trimester and my mum is amazing, really helpful, overly generous etc but I feel like a lot of the time when she’s sending me things she likes or buying things it’s almost as if it’s for her baby and not mine. I’ve snapped a couple of times and it’s probably seemed really ungrateful but it’s been smothering almost. I’ve said I don’t like a particular colour or item and she’s just continued on with it as if I do then keeps mentioning it, showing me people who have got one etc and I end up just wanting to scream ‘I DONT FUCKING LIKE IT’!!! 😂🙈 I keep having to bite my tongue so I’m not being ungrateful but it’s so hard when you’re physically and mentally drained.

I also can’t stand the need for people to suddenly need to know the ins and outs of your most private organs in your body! It seems that stuff would be highly inappropriate to talk about pre-pregnancy and yet it’s okay for people just to ask you extremely personal questions when you’re having a baby. We were sitting in the living room after my first baby was born with my MIL and FIL and MIL started asking about my milk coming in and what size my boobs were. I felt so cornered by it that I had to say something but felt so uncomfortable discussing that with her, never mind infront of my FIL as he awkwardly sits there.

And don’t get me started on people suddenly being allowed to just rub your belly whenever they fancy it 😳

Georgiepud · 10/08/2023 20:59

In one way I guess it's because they care and want to show their excitement.
On the other hand if it is beginning to upset you this badly you need to say something.
Good luck.

Original poster
JungleBookGal · 10/08/2023 23:06

Update: we've both traveled back to our home town for a visit we planned way before I got pregnant. My partner is staying at his mother's house and sent me a photo of massive gift basket with nappies, clothes, blankets and a cuddly toy. I should be grateful just like my partner is but its really annoyed me. Especially the soft toy I wanted to go shopping with My partner and pick out a toy with him for our baby and now they've already bought them one. I'm refusing to visit them as I just mentally cannot go there, I'm having anxiety and heart palpitations from thinking about it. It's almost as its not my baby and its everyone's, I'm just the carrier.

Also thank you everyone for your replies, I'm glad some people resonate with me

OP posts:
UnaVaca · 10/08/2023 23:07

Jesus that’s intense
are you taking folic acid?

continentallentil · 10/08/2023 23:11

Blimey that’s a lot.

I would be quite honest, and say in your surprise, you told everyone very early, but actually given how things can go, can everyone just leave it be for 2 months. You appreciate the interest and concern, but the only thing that needs to happen is doc appointments and you’re on top of that.

They’ll probably calm down by then. If not, plead overwhelm / a big project at work and set boundaries

As PPs say do not discuss names under any circs.

Peony654 · 10/08/2023 23:12

That’s very inappropriate at 5 weeks. I told parents early but then was very clear I didn’t want to discuss it. I don’t want to be negative but I then went on to lose the pregnancy at 11 weeks. Being pregnant does not equal a baby, I think you need to tell / remind everyone of that

LylaLee · 10/08/2023 23:14

You don't have to use the toy.

Buy and use what you want.

And "thanks MIL & FIL for the lovely hamper, it will need to stay with you until the baby is here as we are getting things ready."

Peony654 · 10/08/2023 23:14

Oh and definitely do not discuss names with any one apart from your partner.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/08/2023 23:21

Tell everyone that you're glad they're all excited (and you are too!) but you don't want to talk too much about it so early.

You don't HAVE to use anything they buy you. Tell them you think it's nice that they're making the effort but it's a bit much for you.

You can go out and get whatever you want.

I mean I suppose it's better that they're trying instead of not bothering at all but I do know how you feel. My ex told all of his family as soon as I found out (a few weeks in) and they want over the top straight away. I didn't tell anyone until after our first scan so felt uncomfortable about it.

ChurlishGreen · 10/08/2023 23:22

Just tell them you’re bored and freaked out and suggest they forget about it for a few months?

I didn’t tell anyone other than DH and my line manager till 19 weeks for various reasons, and I said at work that as I was capable of working like a non-pregnant person till halfway, there was no reason why my pregnancy needed to feature prominently in all conversations with me for the second half. some people genuinely appeared to think I just want around thinking about my pregnancy all the time, when actually I was mostly desperate to finish a major project before I went on mat leave.

I mean, 9 months is a long time to be at that level of excitement!

recyclemeagain · 10/08/2023 23:26

I can relate, I told several people around the 5 week mark too and remember feeling similar to what you're describing. Although my MIL was not at all happy so that added a lovely layer of awkwardness! She adores our kids now, granted it's 13 years later...
It's worth keeping in mind that you will be feeling things more intensely with being pregnant. So under usual circumstances you would probably be able to see the gift basket for what it is- an excited relative trying to show you how much they love your little one already. With being pregnant everything will feel heightened for you which won't be helping.
I would say refusing to visit them is a bit OTT, better to visit them and be able to say you feel somewhat overwhelmed. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
JungleBookGal · 11/08/2023 00:28

I had a conversation with my partner about how im feeling. About being overwhelmed by gifts and nappies and people being involved in our business.
Although he dosent get, he says everyone is being nice and what im saying is not normal. He also said that hes questioning my desire to be a parent in general ans that im making it all negative.
I explained that when its us two im happy and even have a breif flutter of excitement of whats ahead but thats because its all on our terms and time frame. He still didnt get it and basically isnt happy with me, i dont think he knows that actually being pregnant isnt like the movies its a lot more complicated and real when its happening to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
JungleBookGal · 11/08/2023 00:33

I should also just add, when i said im overwhelmed and scared for whats to come. He said whats there to be scared of and every woman does it. I just cant help but think thats a really naive comment to make.

OP posts:
Opine · 11/08/2023 00:39

we tell people at the latest possible time. I was nearly 32 weeks last time.
I can’t stand the attention pregnancy brings so I reduce the time I have to deal with it. 32 weeks wouldn’t be possible for most I know but it depends when you really start to show.

I actually love being pregnant and am always really excited but I just don’t want to share it until I have to.

Youve told them now so there’s not much you can do. Hopefully it will die down once the initial excitement has worn off.

LylaLee · 11/08/2023 00:44

Your husband needs to read up about pregnancy.

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 00:51

Can you return anything your parents have sent to you and tell them you don’t want anything in the house until you have reached a certain stage of pregnancy?

I had bleeding throughout the first 6 months of pregnancy so we didn’t buy anything until after then.

Congratulations! Hopefully they will calm down but if they don’t you will need to speak to them or it could get worse. Your DH/partner needs a kick up the backside his attitude doesn’t sound great.

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