Am I mad to be considering no4?

[Hzky3]

Hi there am I totally nuts to be considering baby no4 4th c secrion(cleared by dr) at the ag3 of 36?
My other children are 15,12&nearly10 I get wo many mixed opinions on the subject friends and family tell me I must be mad if I go back to those days and it puts negative thoughts over it... I feel I didn't fet to enjoy the younger years of my children as they were all pretty close togeather total madness but now feel I have the time and love to fully enjoy those first hard years I feel empty without a little one using up my time so feel confident it's the right decision but still get doubts not helped by friends etc

I have four, aged 16, 13, 7 and 5. Two lots of two. It hasn't been easy but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Others are probably warning you to think twice due to the cost of living. I am sure it's well meant.

If your youngest is 10 do you really want to go back to the start again, with all the compromises?

Yes, you're mad.

You need to think of the impact it would have on your children. Would it benefit them? Would it enhance their lives?

I just had dc4 with a large age gap between dc3 and 4, I had dc1-3 within 4 years! Personally I’d say if you can afford it and have the time, energy etc then go for it but I am biased as that’s what I did!

And dc1-3 are smitten with the new arrival. I don’t ask them to do anything for him though, I expect it would be very different if there were expectations for them to be “helpful” with the baby.

What does your partner think? does he do an equal share of the chores and wants one too? If so go for it!

If you can afford it then why not, don't get the whole aggregation over large age gaps being such a big deal, in fact it's much easier than having a small age gap imo.

Your children will still be needing you as they get older. You may have less time on your hands than you think, what with exams etc... I personally would not do it.

There have been massive and notable deteriorations in the education system since your last child, and also your existing children are about to need you emotionally more than ever with puberty to navigate alongside their studies. You are young enough to have another child of course , but equally young enough to train for a career for yourself . All of these things are important considerations

Your age is certainly not an issue. But the effect a baby will have on the whole family is. A great deal would depend on your financial situation and what you enjoy doing as a family and as a couple..

We have 3DC (now 18,15,13) and seriously considered a 4th but reached a point where the age gap felt too big between no3 and 4. We are currently having a great time on more adventurous holidays with kids old enough to enjoy/participate and appreciate them. Up until about 3yrs ago we stuck with pool based summer holidays and Cornwall. Now, as an example, we can also now ski anywhere with all 3 (without anyone having to miss out or worry about childminding/logistics of lessons). It’s a holiday and activity we all love. This week we have been white water rafting and zip lining. With a little one with us someone (prob me) would have to sit these things out. At home the kids are now fairly independent and I am able to focus on my career again, while DH and I can enjoy evenings out together without babysitters or having to prepare dinner for them (they make some themselves or get Deliveroo).

Re cost of living - 3 teenagers are very expensive - don’t underestimate how much more kids cost as they get older, think you are probably only just starting to feel that with the 15yo. Also, personally I’m not sure I could cope with another progression through school - enthusiasm for PTA/assemblies/plays and parent social events is wearing v thin with no3!

Having said all this, a baby is wonderful and you are still only 36 - chances are everyone will dote on the little one and he/she will bring great joy. Only you can make the judgement!

I think it will affect what you can easily do as a family once you have a baby in tow. Teenagers need a lot of support and it could be harder if you have a baby.

Probably, but you have to go with your heart. 36 is still relatively young.

My second was a complete shock aged 33 but sailed through the pregnancy.

Single ever since though 🤣

If you ahead, you'll manage!

My husband is has been a wonderful father to our 3 boys and says he's happy either way as its my body my decision so is leaving the choice with me

We have just had our 3rd after 10 years. The older two DC (10&9) are totally in love with their new brother and I feel like I am able to give more time to my youngest 1-2-1 with the older ones at school. I also work Full time but mostly from home. So organisation is a must 😂 Good luck with whatever you decide. X

I would have no4 tomorrow if DH agreed, but my other 3 are younger. Do you really want to start again? I’m sure it would be lovely if you were ready for the logistics of having a baby (holidays, days out etc and different needs to teens).

What will you do when DC4 grows up and you feel empty again? Just keep going until menopause and then hope for some grandchildren?

It’s really normal to feel that you have lost yourself after years of parenting. I genuinely don’t have any opinion on the number of children other people choose to have but based on what you have said you risk simply kicking the can down the road. You can’t be a parent to small children forever. Eventually you will have to find something else to fill that emptiness.

Hi @Hzky3 i would love to have 4 kids. I would go for it especially if you have a supportive partner.
All the best in your decision xx

Go for it! We're expecting number 5 with our eldest being 16 and youngest 7yrs. You never regret the children you have 😍

With that big age gap I'd say no way! You'll practically have two different families, they'd be at such different stages with different needs and demands on you; it would be hard to do things together as a family.

You say you were really busy with the first 3 as they were close in age and that you'd 'enjoy' this baby more... sounds a bit like you're doing this for you, rather than as something which will enhance the whole family.

I do actually know several people, including a sibling, who regret the last child they had for various reasons so this isn’t strictly true.

That's really sad, every child is a blessing.

No they're not, life isn't that simple.

There are lots of threads about this issue on MN. It is the kind of thing that people only feel able to discuss honestly on an anonymous forum and it carries incredibly complex feeling of shame and guilt.