Single and pregnant

[Lrose944]

Long post bare with please ,
So I’m single and pregnant im still quite early on but bit of a back story, I had been seeing someone for a while on and off but it was quite a casual thing anyway I caught pregnant, both of us were shocked he said he would support etc but I didn’t realise he was talking about termination wise when he was saying don’t stress we will sort it out etc so he has been dead set on me having a termination however I have wanted a baby for a long time and I feel wrong to get rid of it just because of the circumstances and worried I wouldn’t get another chance.
so weeks went by we were speaking and then arguing mainly as I wasn’t sure what I was going to do and this was making him angry,
fast forward now I’m 3 months I’ve made my decision I know it may be hard and lonely but my decision is made so we spoke yesterday and he said he would rather change his number and me never be able to contact him so I said fine if that’s how you feel I can’t change it weather I agree if you don’t want the baby I can’t force you and I then blocked everything I have of him. My question is though I’m really scared to announce my pregnancy mainly because what do I say when people ask who the dad is and judge me etc I know it is my own doing by going through with it but I’m really struggling and I feel like I haven’t enjoyed any of it because I am so worried of other peoples opinions. Only a handful of people know at the minute

You are having a baby.
You want this baby.
You chose to have this baby.

That's all there is to it. If people want to judge you, their opinion isn't important. What matters is that you made the wonderful decision to bring a life into this world. They can either be happy for you, or cut them out of your life.

The simple truth: The father was a casual relationship, and he's chosen not to be involved.

You aren't the first woman to be in this situation by a long shot, and you won't be the last.

I don’t even know why I’m so worried but it’s just like I fear being judged and answering questions.

I think because he’s not supportive it’s made it so much worse because it’s like everything he is saying is making me fear everyone will think the same. It’s not the perfect situation I know.

don’t be scared - i was in the same situation and terminated for multiple reasons but partially because i was terrified to announce because i thought everyone would judge me. 7 months later my cousin announced she was pregnant and doing it on her own and nobody even questioned who the dad was. i wish i’d known then what i now know. you’ll be okay and if anyone does ask you there’s nothing wrong with being honest - it’s him who’s been a heartless dick, not you

@Lrose944 I'm at the same point in pregnancy as you, so first off congratulations :) this guy honestly sounds awful. I've been having IVF treatment for a while now and I've met people having treatment alone and people having treatment after losing their partner, there are a lot of ways to have a child, so you are by no means alone. I've heard there are some good groups online for single mothers by choice that are very supportive.

I really hope that now there has been some form of closure with this guy, that you can move forward and enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy which you've clearly wanted for some time.

im sorry you felt like that and I hope your doing ok now, such a difficult situation sometimes isn’t it. I did make the appointment but broke down in tears and the lady said to me you need to be sure and that’s when I realised I wasn’t sure at all. The people I have told are so happy and supportive, but I just fear the rest of the family etc I need to tell as they are a little more judgey 😳 but I know I need to get over it it’s happening x

Garden lady thank you and congratulations to you too that’s amazing news 😌 I shall look and see if I can find any groups it may help me to talk to people going through simular, honestly he is awful and the worst thing is it’s always the ones you never expect to be that way, but I’ve said to him he won’t hear of me again, we had a phone call yesterday that ended with him saying he will be changing his number in a few months and not to contact him etc, I feel like he’s probably hiding something but I don’t even want to know I just said to him that’s fine I’ll block you after the phone call and he said please do so that was that 😬

I’m pregnant from a FWB situation, I didn’t tell him until nearly 12 weeks and I never expected him to be involved but he checks up on me, asking about appointments and things but won’t come to them so I’m not really sure how things will turn out once baby is born

you’ve got this!

Don't do anything rash. You are very early on so you have time to sit on it and think.

All I will say is if there is any doubt and you want this baby, you have it. Do not feel bullied into a termination.

Good luck and much love xx

congratulations to you! 😌 I think some do change when baby is here, yours seems semi supportive which is good ! Do you mind me asking how you announced to people did you have lots of questions ? X

I raised my little girl alone, her dad left when I was 12 weeks pregnant I’ve not seen or heard from him since and she’s almost 6. I am really proud of us! And all we achieved together. There is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, I often thought I was lucky I had her to myself and I didn’t have the resentment that others did whilst having babies in relationships. My DD is now almost 6 and she calls my husband Dad. I did a nursing degree when she was a year old and she has everything she could wish for and the main thing is she grew up in a stable, loving home. You can do this!! And shout from the rooftops how proud you are of doing this alone

I am 22 and in the exact same position. I’m still on the fence whether I want to abort or keep. The hookup has blocked me on everything after finding out I’m considering keeping and called me irresponsible. My mum keeps reminding me it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because it is YOUR baby. She said I should tell people he got lost at sea or something but jokes aside, you don’t owe anyone an answer to anything. Sending you love, I know it’s really tough.

Congratulations. If having this baby is what you want and you feel you can do it alone then sod what other people think. If people judge you then hold your head high and let them judge away.

OP I think you need to wise up pretty fast.

You were on-off and having casual sex. He doesn't want a baby. You've always wanted a baby. He told you from the minute he knew that his preference was a termination, and this doesn't make him "awful", he's allowed to not want the pregnancy. Yes, yes, two people conceive, but only one gets to choose if that turns into a living child to raise support for 18yrs+. You decided that. Not him. Why do you think he's awful because he doesn't want the same choice?

I think you're in a bit of a dream world, with your "some do come round" when he's literally walked away completely and blocked you. He made the conception, sure, and only you two know the truth about who thought what contraception was being used. But think of it the other way, what if he really wanted it, and you decided you wanted a termination. Would you still be calling him awful for not agreeing with your decision. I don't think so.

You need to take accountability here. Congratulations, you have the baby you wanted. Enjoy your pregnancy. But you need to stop making this about him. He told you from the moment he knew that he didn't want the child, and yet you seem continually surprised that he doesn't want to raise your child. You chose this OP, take responsibility for your choices. Good luck x

i appreciate what your saying and I won’t disagree but I said he’s been awful because of the things he has said to me regardless how he feels. I’m allowed to feel that way and I’m sure many others have in the past. I get the decision was mine and he doesn’t have to be involved if he doesn’t want to hence why I have blocked him and will not contact him. Also some do come round was to the other lady on my post I am aware mine will NOT. so no dream world here. This post was to get advice not to be pulled apart like you are trying to do here. Kind energy only 🤗

You don't actually have to announce a pregnancy. People will eventually realise you are having a baby, if you don't want to have difficult conversations with people who you think might judge, just don't. Also, if you do announce you could just say that you are having a child alone.

I often have an internal struggle with men not stepping up - obviously he had rights and responsibilities, he made the baby too. But as its your body realistically he has no choice.

@Lrose944

I wasn't trying to pull you apart, I don't think anything I said did that.

I missed where you said the awful things he said were other things, not that he didn't want to raise a child you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you need to make this about you. Not make your focus to be cross at someone who has been honest about their stance from the start, and not fearful of people's opinions. You should be simply thinking of you.

How old are you? How old is he? Does he have other children?

@InceyWinceySpidy maybe I’m a little sensitive at the minute and took it the wrong way. I don’t think he is awful for not wanting to raise a child with me, that’s completely his choice as is the decision I’ve made.

im honestly not really angry at him I’ve been as calm as I can be, obviously I’m hurt at the fact he knows what’s happening and does want nothing to do with my child deep down but that’s something I will have to live with.

I am 31
he is 45 and yes he has children and is a good dad from what I know

just doesn’t want more kids so he said

@Lrose944 I've only told my immediate family and a couple of close friends, there were a few questions but they’ve all been supportive and no one has said anything particularly negative

i agree with someone above, you don’t have to announce it if you don’t want to. I always thought I’d put it in social media at 12 weeks but in the end I just didn’t feel like it, everyone who I want to know about it already knows

you'll figure it all out, you’ve got plenty of time and in a few years you’ll probably look back and be really proud of how well you’ve managed on your own!xx

@FirstMondayInMay i think I will do similar, I have my first scan this week so after that I think I’ll have to tell a few people 😌

I’m sure I will look back and think what was I so worried about just feels like a big weight on my shoulders at the minute. Hope all goes well for you 😌 xx

Ok.

I know it must feel crap, and you are thinking why did he want those children, and not mine. Maybe this will take the emotion out of it.

Could be a lot of reasons. Perhaps his first DC were planned so very much wanted. Perhaps he was in love with/married to their mother and wanted to be a family unit with her. These things are not the same with your pregnancy.

He's probably fuming at himself for not taking better precautions on one night, because that one night is going to transpire into a huge amount of money he has to pay for the next 18yrs. His anger is then seen by you.

If he's 45, I don't know how old his DC are, but I'll hazard a guess at 15 and 13, if he had them at your age. He did the baby stuff so long ago. A baby at 30 is not the same as a baby at 45. He was looking at being "child free" in maybe 5 years or less, and you've just added 18yrs to that, and there's nothing he can do about it.

I know certainly, from having DC1 at 26, then DTwins at 37, that I feel ten times more tired. I look at DS who's now 15, and sometimes think FFS I'd be free and have my life back in 3yrs if I didn't have DTwins, I'd only be 43. Now though, I'll be 55 when DTwins hit 18. 26 to 55 is a long bloody time to raise children. The age gap is my only regret about my DC. Your baby's father will be 63 when it turns 18. That's a hell of an age, 7yrs off 70 when your child leaves school.

Can you see why this isn't personal, against you and your baby, but probably why he's made the choice he has? Maybe it's easier to process facts without the emotion. It's not that he doesn't want your child, he doesn't want any child. And he's furious with himself he let this happen, furious he has no choice in the matter, and you are seeing this from him.

I get that this might not be the ideal situation to announce to your family, and they may have questions, but you don't have to be frightened of this. "Why have you decided to have a child without a father?"..."Because I wanted this child, and I know I'm going to do brilliantly on my own, and I hope I have your support.".

You don't have to answer to anyone x

You gave chosen to have this baby. This is your life now. You don't need to answer to or consider anyone else's judgement. You need to make peace with your decision and stop worrying about what others think. They aren't raising your child, you will be.

Hi,

I am single and 38 weeks pregnant and honestly it's one of the best feelings I've ever had.

looking at my sons bedroom, all his clothes and everything he needs in life and thinking I did that. I didn't rely on anyone else and did that on my own for my child.

everyone dreams of this perfect happy family life when really you never know what is happening behind closed doors and being single is deffo the better option for so many people.

I have had the baby's dad texting me 2 days ago to remind me to tell him when I've had his son. Even tho he hasn't bothered since finding out I was having a baby. Sometimes the stress partners cause is not worth it at all.

x

Yes!!!! This!!!!

Also, who actually cares what people think!!

I was scared to announce mine similar to you as I couldn't be bothered with all the questions but I just decided to go ahead and put it on facebook after my 20 week scan to get it over and done with.

some people have asked questions but you can tell it's more awkward for them when you proudly tell them your doing it on your own.

don't be scared, people are going to talk either way so just own it