Solo motherhood by choice (not via fertility treatment)

[Amanda2125789]

Used to be on a Facebook platform for solo mothers by choice. As was planning to go it alone via IUI / IVF (even had donor sperm in the freezer at Sperm bank paid for).
But life had another plan, I couldn’t plan for, and being on contraception and yes being single I found myself pregnant, conceived naturally accidentally. Went to post to ask for advice here and there and felt a bit outed by admin I guess because this was a natural conception not an organised donor. God knows. Shame.. as a group I thought was inclusive doesn’t feel so inclusive anymore and feel a little lonely on this new chapter of life. As I’m going it alone and that’s a choice of solo motherhood by choice of sorts. Although fertility treatment was my first choice and ‘my original plan’ life has dealt me a different plan.

Anyone else in the same bracket?
Happily entering motherhood alone.
Would be great to connect :)

Due early Feb apparently. Around 9/10wks.

I mean... thats saved you a lot of money and anguish!!!

Im gonna be a solo mom by choice, but it will cost me!

Lots of friends did suggest a "tinder surprise", but I was never comfortable with that. I only stopped taking the pill when my fertility doctor told me to, a couple of months ago!

Hoping to do my transfer next week, for a late March/early April baby!

Hope your pregnancy goes well!!!

To be honest I’m disappointed it wasn’t the fertility treatment route as had chosen and organised an open ID donor and liked the legal security fertility treatment gives, fact father (Sperm) was highly genetically tested etc etc. Just liked the feel of the donor from his audio interview and life outlook. He only donated minimally before not any longer.
Had found two other families that used the same donor online and they had healthy happy kids.

Now I might have to deal with custody battles with a loose cannon later on if things don’t go well with the male component to this pregnancy! Someone I’ve known a little while but never the less not planned, not known enough, an accident, and I have not much in the knowledge (because we never planned to conceive together🤦‍♀️) of it they have genetic hereditary issues, if they’re going to be a nightmare to be a biological component to this child with… As I couldn’t deny the child some knowledge of who they’re paternal side is.
..Quite happy to do it alone and that will likely be the case but this was definitely not my plan

Having come from chaotic custody war of a childhood when was younger, ending up living with a grandparent in the end due to the chaos and turmoil that brought. I see conceiving with someone who can turn out to be a loose cannon can have its hazards! You never know if that person could turn on you or cause abandonment issues for the child etc. and that was two people who were supposed to have known each other to not turn on each other. You just can’t predict people.. So I don’t know, I’d never suggest anyone getting pregnant by a random tbh. There’s DNA websites these days.. you can’t hide fathers info from children and that does more harm than good at times they’ve found from studies.

Open ID sperm donor was always choice number one. And 3000euro already spent on that prior to this surprise accident urghhh.
But hey ho this is the hand of cards I’ve been given. Crossing my fingers baby is healthy, father component is going to remain a peaceful figure in life if he chooses to be involved from a respectful distance. There’s no crazies in his family to contend with or lawyers in the family otherwise I do worry history may make me worry for the future. But going to think positive 🤞🏻

Sorry meant to say good luck for your transfer! x

Are you doing IUI or IVF?

id originally planned ivf as have had some ops on uterus previously and felt safer with passed missed miscarriage to do iVF with tested and proven strong embie’s. But I know so many who had similar issues but conceived successfully on first try with IUI. Hope it goes well for you x

I expected to be doing mothehood with my ex fiancé but he changed his mind at 8 months pregnant so I've been doing it alone (with visits from him regularly) since baby was born! Ask anything you like. The main thing is to have people organized who can stay with you or who you can stay with for the first couple of weeks - there is always a risk of c section and it's so hard to do anything including lift baby from crib and do laundry when you've just had the c section

Wow, what an amazing mamma you must be. Men can be so fickle. Well people in general can show their truths when it comes to responsibility of parenthood.. I’m a terrible pessimist when it comes to good parents I guess from past 😬🙈. As my own mother wasn’t much better than my father.

You’re sounds strong for dealing with that x

Can I ask how involved he is financially? Help wise? Do you agree on most things regarding baby?

This is the part I’m unsure about.. How involved should let this man be. As stands I think for now I could / would keep his name off birth certificate if the pregnancy lasts and healthy baby comes.
I just find it hard mentally to be the one struggling financially and with everyday motherhood for a man to get the pleasure of having a child brought up for him if he gives little input into easing the strain.

Have two large dogs. Combined over 100kg. One with special needs who can’t be looked after by just anyone or left with anyone. So life the last two years has already revolved around needy beings and little freedom to be carefree which I’m okay about. They’re so good but I’ll definitely need help at beginning. Looking at a move to a place without steps, like you mention Caesarian etc (which my mum had all via c section due to our size).

Luckily it looks like she’s excited to play grandmother (this will only last so long knowing her 🤦‍♀️😂) so as long as we stay on good terms til then i can get some help at the beginning and put the dogs to kennels hopefully.

Hope it’s going okay for you and you and baby are doing well x

Why don't you stop taking your pill now? It can stop fertility for a while after stopping it,

Similar story.

Some fertility clinics suggest taking pill right up to treatment. Some don’t. It always baffled me. But I think my clinic I was planning to originally go with were saying they can bring on the period when doing egg collection when they feel you’ve harvested enough. So if doing iVF I think it’s preferred to stay on contraceptive.

Not sure what fertility treatment she’s doing..

but just goes to show in my situation, contraception isn’t full proof 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

@Amanda2125789 werird as plenty of women don't have periods/fertility return for a long time after they have stopped the pill yet these fertility doctors can di magics sometimes.

Gosh.

You’ve managed to hopefully have a baby as you desperately wanted without the man’s say (absolutely shouldn’t have a say after conception) and now you’re working out how you can make sure he’s not on the birth certificate but still want him to pay? Has he actually done anything wrong here? Why wouldn’t you let him be on the birth certificate or is he just an unwilling donor?

And to clarify, I’m no MRA, but the way you’re going about this feels all wrong and it will be your child that suffers.

It’s all medically induced and managed rather than natural.

When you’re taking daily hormone injections / fertility meds they adjust them while taking frequent scans to see where your bodies at. Your bodies production is in the hands of medicine and science rather than nature I guess.

Did a round of egg retrieval about 13/14yrs ago in my 20s. Don’t remember the full procedure and protocol at that time. But they managed to get my ovaries to produce around 20 eggs to meet a date requirement for retrieval.

@Amanda2125789 I didn't have a period for 18 months and doctors couldn't help.

Ahh so yea I think it’s different if doing IVF. After coming off pill, or miscarriage etc some women take a while to regulate if planning to get pregnant naturally. But if eggs are being taken out to fertilise in a test tube that could be different I think.
I could be wrong.
I didn’t actually read all the ins and outs of how it works these days as wasn’t yet ready to shell out the IVF money til later in the year and couldn’t take all that onboard in my head while had a lot going on in life last few months. I was just told to stay on the pill.

@Amanda2125789 can I ask why you didn't just go down the IUI route?

I watch lesbian couples and they like to have each other's eggs in their body's at great expense, surely iui is cheaper?

Were you looking to naturally get pregnant at the time?

Did they do any medical testing to see how your HGH, egg reserve, or if any blocked tubes etc or they just said change up life style a bit and wait and see.

I’m naturally pregnant by accident this pregnancy so no choice at all.

But I’ve got a lot of fibroids, had hysteroscopy and dissection/removal of one large one that sat in the spot embryos need to implant. Had missed miscarriage from natural pregnancy prior to that op a few years ago.

IUI is like having sex, you can keep trying and some do have to keep trying. It’s like a lottery. And you pay every ‘try’.
Your hoping that Sperm and egg meet
and it’s a success.

IVF they take as many eggs out during medicated egg retrieval, they test to see which eggs aren’t even viable. Fertilise the remaining. Again the weak embryos that wouldn’t have resulted in a successful pregnancy show themselves to be unusable. Only a strong embryo is put in. Your less playing the lottery than IUI. It costs more but some women I’ve talked to have done 5 IUI’s that ended up in medical or early miscarriage. That adds up to nearly as much as doing IVF. And with IVF you can freeze any remainder embryos if you have some, so that’s a future proven healthy embryo / sibling you know is there.

Was planning to do IVF abroad where it was cheaper than the UK.
Having had past miscarriage and ops to fix my uterus, the waiting and recovering, I don’t know IUI would bring me as much certainty and confidence IVF would have.

But here I am naturally pregnant and I’m gonna give it a chance to see if it’s my blessing in disguise.
If it ends in miscarriage I’ll go straight to IVF think as want to reduce the risks and just get as many healthy embryos created in possible or atleast one and hopefully a sibling with same genetic mother and father components in the freezer and put an end to all the ifs, buts and hopefully’s 🙏

I think you’ve misread me.
I didn’t want or set out to get pregnant naturally. The man in question actually told me he had a vasectomy (we were a fling but he’s always wanted more) and I’m not too happy about how he goes about his handling of ducking and dining out of helping his mother of his current child.

He was a fling and I was on the pill. We all have flings with people we wouldn’t desire to share a child with or may not be the best person to co parent with, we’re not all nuns who only have sex if married and with DH. This was an unexpected accident.

He’s showing iffy behaviour of wanting child but also stating he doesn’t need to be on birth certificate. He makes sure to his current wife he is a non uk domicile for working / living abroad so he doesn’t need to financially commit. I’m getting the jist he’s super happy I’m an oven for him to have procreated and can have further offspring but he is not to be expected and can’t legally I don’t think be held accountable. But he can change his stance on this and use his second passport he has due to his dual nationalities and change his stance on custody rights later on. I’m unsure on the one and outs. What seemed like a sweet harmless guy who didn’t mind his child’s mother / his ex look after their shared child majority of time has now clearly been unmasked as he’s actually using every trick in the book to be involved or least involved as he likes.

I didn’t need his sperm, it was an accidental pregnancy. I don’t also need his money Thankyou. I rather struggle financially than have a man mess around. I’d never deny a child their father but I also won’t them be picked up and dropped when someone’s interested and tries to play the system to suit how fatherly they want to be.
I repeat I don’t need or want his money unless he’s going to show he’s going to be decent towards the child.

I think you shouldn’t jump conclusions before asking some more prior detail or reading fully.

Thankyou for the digs which is really un needed when already navigating a tricky situation whilst pregnant and still waiting out the early stages of if it will end up in another miscarriage in life. He was no wanted Sperm donor of mine and tbh the whole situation and how I’ve realised he goes about things with women has made this all the more something I’m realising I’m going to have to deal with. Just because someone doesn’t open up their whole life story in the opening thread doesn’t mean you can jump to conclusions about many aspects of a personal situation.

Hope you feel better for it.

Going by looks of your username, should have just ignored your two pence

@Amanda2125789 thank you

What?!? Like it says on my post i STOPPED taking the pill when my doctor told me to, 2 months ago.
My cycle has always be really regular and my normal period came back 29 days later, right when I expected it!

In any case, Im not using my eggs, Im using a donated embryo!

Yeah, I can understand how that can be disappointing and hard!

Before I decided on embryo donation, I had considered using a friend as a sperm donor. it would mean the kid would know their dad, and it seemed like a good option... But the guy became too intense about it. And I didnt necessarily want a co-parent either. Not to mention the fact that we would be in 2 different countries, and I could see him trying to move to my country and me having to be responsible for him feeling well and integrated in a foreign country!

I ended up deciding against it and going with an anonymous donation, as it would be drama free!

I hope you have no problems with the "sperm donor". I assume youve told him already?

Im using embryo donation, so IVF, in a way, though Im not going through the whole process, only the transfer bit!

My AMH was a bit low for my age, and also because of my age, I decided not to use my own eggs, as it would be riskier (and Im also a carrier for a genetic illness).

Thanks!!! I am really optimistic!

Think on these threads people don’t see the full thread back so there’s been some miscommunication for a few of us.

Really happy for you. Hope it goes well. I think some people take for granted it’s not as easy as finding a man, having a DH and having a child just like that. We all have our own medical histories and life scenarios or happenings that we can’t plan out or are out of our control and no recipe is the best recipe but creating a happy well adjusted cared for child.

Some of the most adjusted kids or those that grew into adults I’ve known have been from anything but the traditional way of being created.
But many the opposite, who were or are surrounded by unhappy cohabiting parents.

my ‘sperm donor’ isn’t a sperm donor sadly, just an ex fling I’m now learning more about and trying to navigate how things might work out.

What will be will be…

good luck x

Thanks!
Um, so my ex is paying basically what CMA would make him pay (12% of salary) he suggested we split the costs for baby, I reminded him that I wouldn't be earning any money for half of the year and he had just landed me with a mortgage to pay alone (we were planning to buy together just before he left) so then he reluctantly agreed (although he thinks it's really unfair 👀 even though the baby was his idea!)

He was pretty rude about me organizing a christening but I did it anyway and had a great time. I reminded him if he has strong opinions he should focus on things that have a big impact like going to look at the nurseries I had shortlisted, which he hadnt bothered to do. This is the kind of vibe- basically the issues in our relationship (him being rude and patronizing to me, him not doing what he said he would, him thinking I'm being a nag etc etc) are still impacting the coparenting relationship. He's not willing to change or self defect or do mediation or counselling type thing, he thinks all the issues are me. I didn't put him on the birth cert as he's a tricky guy and I know he'd use the control and power over me and I didn't want to have to ask to take baby abroad or move house. Baby also has my surname
Which I'm really happy about- identity wise I want him to be more like the lovely men in my family, not the pregnant women leavers (three in a row) in his.
He thinks he should be able to come every other day and leave when he wants (eg make sure he's on time for dinner etc) and thinks I should give him plenty of notice for any help I want (which obviously is often impossible) and doesn't enjoy me setting boundaries by saying just visiting twice a week is enough (I'm dealing with a heartbreak at the same time as a new baby so it's really hard for me, especially as he can swan in and out and rest and socialize whenever he wants and I just can't at all. I also can't leave baby alone with him as he doesn't know what to do if he cries etc).

It's a challenge basically. But I'm hoping that all this effort spending time with him will pay off one day when I can eventually have a night off to go out and meet someone new and better and have a rest and see my friends.

Why would you let someone who you don't trust be able to control where you live and whether or not you can leave the country?