Page 2 | Solo motherhood by choice (not via fertility treatment)

Amanda2125789 · 2023-07-07T23:03:00+00:00

Used to be on a Facebook platform for solo mothers by choice. As was planning to go it alone via IUI / IVF (even had donor sperm in the freezer at Sperm bank paid for). But life had another plan, I couldn’t plan for, and being on contraception and yes being single I found myself pregnant, conceived naturally accidentally. Went to post to ask for advice here and there and felt a bit outed by admin I guess because this was a natural conception not an organised donor. God knows. Shame.. as a group I thought was inclusive doesn’t feel so inclusive anymore and feel a little lonely on this new chapter of life. As I’m going it alone and that’s a choice of solo motherhood by choice of sorts. Although fertility treatment was my first choice and ‘my original plan’ life has dealt me a different plan. Anyone else in the same bracket? Happily entering motherhood alone. Would be great to connect :) Due early Feb apparently. Around 9/10wks.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 22:37

If he's reluctant to be on the birth certificate that's fine. He still needs to pay via CMA if he's not named. If he doesn't want to he has to do a dna test to prove he's not the father

2bazookas · 08/07/2023 22:37

If you don't want a future with this man, don't tell him.
If you feel judged by others, just say youare single + accidental pregnancy , which is true.

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 23:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 22:37

If he's reluctant to be on the birth certificate that's fine. He still needs to pay via CMA if he's not named. If he doesn't want to he has to do a dna test to prove he's not the father

He still won't be forced to pay

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:27

@TomorrowToday yes the CMA will force whoever you say is the dad to pay, unless they prove they aren't the dad via a dna test. Otherwise no men would ever sign birth certificates

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 23:27

Amanda2125789 · 08/07/2023 20:04

Think on these threads people don’t see the full thread back so there’s been some miscommunication for a few of us.

Really happy for you. Hope it goes well. I think some people take for granted it’s not as easy as finding a man, having a DH and having a child just like that. We all have our own medical histories and life scenarios or happenings that we can’t plan out or are out of our control and no recipe is the best recipe but creating a happy well adjusted cared for child.

Some of the most adjusted kids or those that grew into adults I’ve known have been from anything but the traditional way of being created.
But many the opposite, who were or are surrounded by unhappy cohabiting parents.

my ‘sperm donor’ isn’t a sperm donor sadly, just an ex fling I’m now learning more about and trying to navigate how things might work out.

What will be will be…

good luck x

Don't children miss out on having two parents?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:29

2bazookas · 08/07/2023 22:37

If you don't want a future with this man, don't tell him.
If you feel judged by others, just say youare single + accidental pregnancy , which is true.

I don't think it's fair on baby to withhold the right to know who their dad is (unless he is abusive)

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 00:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:27

@TomorrowToday yes the CMA will force whoever you say is the dad to pay, unless they prove they aren't the dad via a dna test. Otherwise no men would ever sign birth certificates

Plenty of men aren't paying child support despite it being a requirement from the child support agency.

Not sure what birth certificate has to do with anything.

ASGIRC · 09/07/2023 01:21

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 23:27

Don't children miss out on having two parents?

Show quote history

Whats your point?

Original poster

Amanda2125789 · 09/07/2023 01:31

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 22:31

Thanks!
Um, so my ex is paying basically what CMA would make him pay (12% of salary) he suggested we split the costs for baby, I reminded him that I wouldn't be earning any money for half of the year and he had just landed me with a mortgage to pay alone (we were planning to buy together just before he left) so then he reluctantly agreed (although he thinks it's really unfair 👀 even though the baby was his idea!)

He was pretty rude about me organizing a christening but I did it anyway and had a great time. I reminded him if he has strong opinions he should focus on things that have a big impact like going to look at the nurseries I had shortlisted, which he hadnt bothered to do. This is the kind of vibe- basically the issues in our relationship (him being rude and patronizing to me, him not doing what he said he would, him thinking I'm being a nag etc etc) are still impacting the coparenting relationship. He's not willing to change or self defect or do mediation or counselling type thing, he thinks all the issues are me. I didn't put him on the birth cert as he's a tricky guy and I know he'd use the control and power over me and I didn't want to have to ask to take baby abroad or move house. Baby also has my surname
Which I'm really happy about- identity wise I want him to be more like the lovely men in my family, not the pregnant women leavers (three in a row) in his.
He thinks he should be able to come every other day and leave when he wants (eg make sure he's on time for dinner etc) and thinks I should give him plenty of notice for any help I want (which obviously is often impossible) and doesn't enjoy me setting boundaries by saying just visiting twice a week is enough (I'm dealing with a heartbreak at the same time as a new baby so it's really hard for me, especially as he can swan in and out and rest and socialize whenever he wants and I just can't at all. I also can't leave baby alone with him as he doesn't know what to do if he cries etc).

It's a challenge basically. But I'm hoping that all this effort spending time with him will pay off one day when I can eventually have a night off to go out and meet someone new and better and have a rest and see my friends.

Take my hat off to you for dealing with it the way you have, and patience it must take dealing with it. Hope it works out how you want and he realises some mistakes he could be making.
I guess some men are quite happy not to be on the birth certificate for many reasons. Glad due to your history he’s financially paying towards promises and the situation he left you in. When you have deep history with someone that’s the least they can do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amanda2125789 · 09/07/2023 01:42

I feel like TomorrowToday is asking questions she’s never experienced in life perhaps.

“Why don’t you stop / why carry on contraceptive pill” - Unless someones experienced fertility treatment seems she has no knowledge why we would or wouldn’t).

”Why didn’t I think to do IUI instead of IVF. lesbians seem to do this and it seems expensive” - again someone thinking IVF is only for lesbians who want to maybe put they’re egg in their partners body.

“don’t children miss out on having two parents” - clearly didn’t read opening thread on example of having two parents who didn’t parent well or want to be parents ends up not the happy ever after some like to imagine, some children have two parents and end up in care, living with family members, sometimes even very unhappy children getting damaged listening to their two parents downstairs squabbling who are living the white picket fence two parent and children all under one roof charade and it not exactly being just that (you read about it enough on here).

Children miss out on what they thought they should have had and it letting them down a lot of the time. Absent fathers not turning up when they said they would. Absent mothers even.

there’s many strong well rounded children in loving families with strong role models around if one parent fails to live up to the standards. You’ll find more unhappy children sometimes in two parent situations and the chaos that sometimes happen. It’s not the 1950’s. Some families even have three parents in them, one parent or no parents and only have grandparents! 🙄

OP posts:

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 02:50

Amanda2125789 · 09/07/2023 01:42

I feel like TomorrowToday is asking questions she’s never experienced in life perhaps.

“Why don’t you stop / why carry on contraceptive pill” - Unless someones experienced fertility treatment seems she has no knowledge why we would or wouldn’t).

”Why didn’t I think to do IUI instead of IVF. lesbians seem to do this and it seems expensive” - again someone thinking IVF is only for lesbians who want to maybe put they’re egg in their partners body.

“don’t children miss out on having two parents” - clearly didn’t read opening thread on example of having two parents who didn’t parent well or want to be parents ends up not the happy ever after some like to imagine, some children have two parents and end up in care, living with family members, sometimes even very unhappy children getting damaged listening to their two parents downstairs squabbling who are living the white picket fence two parent and children all under one roof charade and it not exactly being just that (you read about it enough on here).

Children miss out on what they thought they should have had and it letting them down a lot of the time. Absent fathers not turning up when they said they would. Absent mothers even.

there’s many strong well rounded children in loving families with strong role models around if one parent fails to live up to the standards. You’ll find more unhappy children sometimes in two parent situations and the chaos that sometimes happen. It’s not the 1950’s. Some families even have three parents in them, one parent or no parents and only have grandparents! 🙄

Not sure why you think everyone has the same life experience as you and if they don't they are wrong.

I feel like TomorrowToday is asking questions she’s never experienced in life perhaps.

“Why don’t you stop / why carry on contraceptive pill” - Unless someones experienced fertility treatment seems she has no knowledge why we would or wouldn’t). AS SOMEONE WHO HAS NO FERTILITY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS AFTER COMING OF THE PILL THAN YES I DONT KNOW WHY A DOCTOR WOULD TELL A WOMAN TO CONTINUE TO TELL HER OVARIES TO STOP RELEASING EGGS BECAUSE ONLY TIME CURED MINE

”Why didn’t I think to do IUI instead of IVF. lesbians seem to do this and it seems expensive” - again someone thinking IVF is only for lesbians who want to maybe put they’re egg in their partners body. NO IM ONLY GOING BY WHAT I HAVE OBSERVED. IUI IS A LOT CHEAPER AND IF THE WOMAN DOESNT HAVE AN ANY KNOWN ISSUES WITH IT THAN WHY NOT DO THAT FIRST. THATS THE LOGICAL PART.

“don’t children miss out on having two parents” - clearly didn’t read opening thread on example of having two parents who didn’t parent well or want to be parents ends up not the happy ever after some like to imagine, some children have two parents and end up in care, living with family members, sometimes even very unhappy children getting damaged listening to their two parents downstairs squabbling who are living the white picket fence two parent and children all under one roof charade and it not exactly being just that (you read about it enough on here). AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I READ ON THIS FORUM WOMEN BEING TOLD TO ABORT AS THE DAD DOESNT WANY TO PLAY A ROLE.

Children miss out on what they thought they should have had and it letting them down a lot of the time. Absent fathers not turning up when they said they would. Absent mothers even.

there’s many strong well rounded children in loving families with strong role models around if one parent fails to live up to the standards. You’ll find more unhappy children sometimes in two parent situations and the chaos that sometimes happen. It’s not the 1950’s. Some families even have three parents in them, one parent or no parents and only have grandparents! 🙄 AND LETS NOT FORGO SINGLE PARENTS WHO ARE TIRED AND ISOLATED

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 08:45

@Amanda2125789 oh o he's not happy about not being on the BC at all, he told he he doesn't need to pay child support if he's not (incorrect) but I told him it's not something I feel safe or happy to do now and it's easy to add him on later on at any point, so he knows he has to build up trust. If baby wants him on there when he's about 17 I'll do it but I'll leave the choice to baby

justagirlx · 19/10/2024 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.