Anyone else's DP forgot to apply for paternity leave?

[Faz469]

So basically my DP is a bloody moron. He didn't realise he needed to apply for paternity around the time I had to apply for maternity. Even tho I asked him to find out! I've 7 weeks till I'm due but being induced early due to gestational diabetes and he only put his application for paternity leave in yesterday.

I'm so frustrated with him. The though of him not being around to help in the early stages when we don't have much of a support network is filling me with dread and is extra stress I just don't need! I could kill him!

Well that's not a good start is it, you don't need him causing you more stress, he is supposed to be making things a bit easier actually.

Good luck with that one.

Well. This bodes well.

Oh dear. Hopefully it'll be ok. But agree with PP, this does not bode well at all.

My husband purposely didn’t apply for paternity leave as his work only offered statutory and it was too big of a pay cut. However, he used 3 weeks of annual leave and discussed his plans with his manager probably from around 20 weeks. I would suggest “D”P needs to sell some of his stuff to pay for some home help for you. He’s clearly going to be useless.

It’s a long way off yet but please, please don’t give up your job. In a year or two you’ll realise you’re trapped in a relationship with a man-child and you’ll need an escape route. Keeping your job is your escape route.

Wow some of these replies are so aggressive.

I don’t know your individual situation but just wanted to pipe in that sometimes people genuinely don’t know the protocol and make a mistake.

there’s no doubt that it’s a pretty big one and might make things difficult for you op. Hopefully your partners work will be willing to work with him and grant his paternity anyway. If they don’t, perhaps he can use some annual leave to give you some help. Or is temporarily working from home an option?

This is a stressful time already so you definitely don’t need the extra aggro. Sending you love, op. Hope it will work out.

“Forgot” my arse.

Can he use holiday instead? Dh and I couldn't afford for him to take the pay cut at the time dd was born so he used holiday for a couple of weeks and then had long weekends for a while.

Mine also didn't know this, though his employers have been very aware of dates and plans so don't think it'll be too much of an issue. Just got the form downloaded and sent to dp to sign and give to boss. Was very quick and easy to do. Hope it all works out okay op!

@Tempeliz can we just stop making excuses for lazy incompetent men? OP probably didn’t know the protocol either, I certainly didn’t before I had my baby. She didn’t leave it to 7 weeks before her due date to ask about it though did she? When she found out, she then reminded her partner to do the same and he couldn’t be arsed to do it. This is literally just the beginning of him “forgetting” what type of nappies they use, to buy wipes, that she was going out with her friends, what time the baby has a feed, what time nap time is, where the nappy cream is. The list is endless and when she’s fed up, rightly so, of being with a man-child she can leave him and only have the one child to deal with.

I work in HR and have processed paternity leave forms for men who wives are due within the new two weeks or so.

It’s not a given that the leave is a lost cause- but he needs to try and short it asap.

I wouldn’t be best pleased with him- he clearly did zero about looking up the paternity leave policy. Did he even mention to his manager that he was going to be a dad? Surely that should have triggered a conversation about what he needed to do re. Paternity?

I agree. You asked him to check too. Sorry I didn't mean to come across aggressive, but I think this should be a bit of a heads up for you. My DH was great until I had a baby, then suddenly became useless so I'm concerned yours is already on his way. It was meant from a place of concern. I'd start to lay down some rules etc for when the baby is born so you don't get lumped with everything as many of us get caught out. All the best for everything

Dh 'forgot' 3 times (despite me handing him the form and telling him), he has forgiving mangers who have always approved it anyway.

This is pretty useless of him tbh - remind him that having a baby is new to both of you and he needs to step up and be more proactive and knowledgeable about stuff like leave, benefits, nursery and childcare etc. Be clear your not going to be his mother and do it all for him and the baby. Nothing more unattractive than a man child!

That said, if he speaks to his work today and says he genuinely didn't realise he had to submit his ptl request by a certain date, they may well allow him to have it anyway- we usually do at my work.

you are all so negative it's a joke.

fine, he f**ked up not doing research but he probably didn't even know something like that exist!

Have a chat with him, tell him he dissapointed you and that you can't think about everything, I'm sure he understood his lesson

But it happened already, he forgot, just give him a chance to fix it now, see what he will do

good luck OP x

Wow. Some prickly responses here.

Most companies let it slide, just get him to get it in asap.

Chances are if he’s mentioned you’re pregnant they will expect a request.

I personally wouldn’t stress over it, but that’s just me.

Surely how big a deal it is, depends on the type of place you work. If it's somewhere where annual leave is booked a year in advance and is totally inflexible then seven weeks is unreasonable and risky.
If it's the sort of place you can book your holiday for next week without much of an issue then 7 weeks is loads of time. Especially if people know when you're roughly due.

I have also worked in HR teams and honestly, in my experience, it’s rare for men to follow the proper procedure. Hopefully his employer will be sympathetic.
Remember that with pregnant women, the signs they are expecting are much more obvious, and they will have risk assessments where HR might remind them about the MATB1. Men don’t have that. Women are also more clued up as it can mean one hell of a pay drop for up to 12 months, not just a fortnight.
I’ve seen men ask a week before the due date if they need to tell us about their ‘maternity leave’ 😆and some think of it like sick leave, where you just call from the hospital when it happens.
Yes, many are clueless, but it’s not malicious ignorance.

Surely he can just take the day/days your in labour off as annual leave and return when you're home? Seems odd to be so desperate for him to have the time off

I'm not the OP but my desire to have my partner at home with me in the weeks after birth did not come from desperation but a belief that as a dad it's his job too to take care of a newborn and share parenting work as equally as possible

WHAT THE ACTUAL FLIP. Paternity leave is shockingly short as it is. Men/nonbirthing partner should be encouraged to take it and also look at shared parental leave too!

And also do some of the housework/let mum sleep!

Wow! How is it even possible? The only way he "forgot" to apply if he didn't tell anyone that you are pregnant at work. Which would be very strange for me.
He needs to sort this out ASAP. Depending on his job of course but he must make sure he will get the paternity leave.
My husband got 4 weeks (2 from his work and 2 from governemet) and I could not done it without him. Having the first baby is such an intense experience. You not only need him for parenting but most of all, for the emotional support!
I personally would not rest until I found out what is the reasoning behind his "forgetfulness". While you are carrying his baby and have to orgonise a million things, he had only this one thing. Unbelievable.

I'm afraid that is how I am, between disorganised and having a phobia about bureaucracy

I’ll openly admit that I don’t know OP’s husband and therefore can’t comment on whether he’s useless or if there’s malice in his intent.

But none of these responses are very supportive of OP and there’s no need for so much negativity. People sometimes make mistakes, it doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to be a rubbish father.

Unsurprised but nevertheless disappointed by the apologists on this thread. Men forget to apply for paternity leave because they do not become visibly pregnant?!?! The bar is on the floor.

There will be ways for him to make this right. His employer might be willing to honour statutory paternity leave as a goodwill gesture. He might be able to take AL or unpaid parental leave, or you may be able to consider shared parental leave if you’re willing to give up a few weeks of your mat leave. Good luck