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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else's DP forgot to apply for paternity leave?

43 replies

Faz469 · 31/05/2023 08:47

So basically my DP is a bloody moron. He didn't realise he needed to apply for paternity around the time I had to apply for maternity. Even tho I asked him to find out! I've 7 weeks till I'm due but being induced early due to gestational diabetes and he only put his application for paternity leave in yesterday.

I'm so frustrated with him. The though of him not being around to help in the early stages when we don't have much of a support network is filling me with dread and is extra stress I just don't need! I could kill him!

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TimesRwo · 31/05/2023 20:36

Men get just two weeks off, women are entitled to 12 months. It’s completely reasonable a woman will be thinking more about it than men, who assume it’s the same as two weeks annual leave so not much notice / work involved. It’s hardly being an apologist to see things rationally.

How has he been otherwise OP? Excited about the baby or not really interested?

EMcG3 · 31/05/2023 20:36

I forgot to submit my maternity form on time, not because I didn't want to parent/support my husband following the birth of our child.

If your husband's work is aware of the situation and his plans, it is not necessarily a big deal. I am now at a smaller company and run a bunch of functions, including HR, and it would not matter when the forms are submitted (up to birth, when payroll needs them, though if I am wrong I invite correction) as long as we had made made a coverage plan.

EMcG3 · 31/05/2023 20:42

Also, paternity leave does not have to be short, for those saying it's 2 weeks. The 52 weeks of leave a woman can take can be shared by the child's other parent. Check out shared parental leave - it is a government initiative so not "allowed" or "not allowed" at company level.

Original poster

Faz469 · 31/05/2023 21:24

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 31/05/2023 09:07

My husband purposely didn’t apply for paternity leave as his work only offered statutory and it was too big of a pay cut. However, he used 3 weeks of annual leave and discussed his plans with his manager probably from around 20 weeks. I would suggest “D”P needs to sell some of his stuff to pay for some home help for you. He’s clearly going to be useless.

It’s a long way off yet but please, please don’t give up your job. In a year or two you’ll realise you’re trapped in a relationship with a man-child and you’ll need an escape route. Keeping your job is your escape route.

Lmao its totally not like that. We've had a lot of stress lately with DSS and had to get social services involved so it's just kind of slipped his mind.

But I don't plan on giving up work. Nor will I ever let myself become trapped.

OP posts:

Original poster

Faz469 · 31/05/2023 21:28

FirstFallopians · 31/05/2023 10:31

I work in HR and have processed paternity leave forms for men who wives are due within the new two weeks or so.

It’s not a given that the leave is a lost cause- but he needs to try and short it asap.

I wouldn’t be best pleased with him- he clearly did zero about looking up the paternity leave policy. Did he even mention to his manager that he was going to be a dad? Surely that should have triggered a conversation about what he needed to do re. Paternity?

He did actually and his manager wasn't aware of what the protocol is either. He's asked several times (early on) about it and no one could tell him. Then we had the issue with social services for DSS and it slipped his mind. It's an honest mistake to make considering.

OP posts:

Original poster

Faz469 · 01/06/2023 06:21

EMcG3 · 31/05/2023 20:36

I forgot to submit my maternity form on time, not because I didn't want to parent/support my husband following the birth of our child.

Unfortunately he works for a large company. He's out on the road constantly and only actually gets to be on base when having a break so it's difficult to even catch a manager to talk to them about this stuff

He asked a couple of times (at the beginning of my pregnancy) what the protocols were. But the managers he'd asked didn't know. Then with the stresses of life and things with his son it slipped his mind. He only found out last week he actually had to apply for it and then put the application in the other day.

I know it's a genuine mistake. Still want to kill him though 🤣

Was just trying to get an idea of what our options are really. Thanks for your in put. It's appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Faz469 · 01/06/2023 06:28

Tempeliz · 31/05/2023 09:34

Wow some of these replies are so aggressive.

I don’t know your individual situation but just wanted to pipe in that sometimes people genuinely don’t know the protocol and make a mistake.

there’s no doubt that it’s a pretty big one and might make things difficult for you op. Hopefully your partners work will be willing to work with him and grant his paternity anyway. If they don’t, perhaps he can use some annual leave to give you some help. Or is temporarily working from home an option?

This is a stressful time already so you definitely don’t need the extra aggro. Sending you love, op. Hope it will work out.

Thank you so much for your support. He genuinely didn't know the protocol.

Life stresses got in the way etc. We will get it sorted I was just trying to figure out what our options were if I could.

Hopefully all will work out in the end.

OP posts:

Cc1998 · 01/06/2023 06:57

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 31/05/2023 14:14

Surely he can just take the day/days your in labour off as annual leave and return when you're home? Seems odd to be so desperate for him to have the time off

How is it "odd" to want your partner to take paternity leave?! 🤨🤨

Ged94 · 01/06/2023 08:33

I think everyone is over reacting, yes it's inconvenient but chances are his boss/HR isn't gonna stop him taking it

My husband only handed his in at 25 weeks cause im obsessive with knowing my rights so I know when stuff needs to be done. I know 2 guys (and one lesbian) who all have only handed in their paternity requests in the last few weeks despite being due in June/ July and they've all been approved without issue.

They're pretty flexible because you don't want to start paternity leave generally until the baby is born which is unknown for most people anyway until you go into labour!. The mother in my company HAS to start her mat leave on her due date at the latest or earlier so a defined date can be arranged ages in advance

reallyworriedjobhunter · 01/06/2023 08:37

What about his line manager?

Whenever I have managed expectant parents it has been my responsibility to make sure they are fully aware of the parental policies and processes at work and what is available to them in terms of leave and pay and to make sure that they are liaising with HR and that the paperwork is in order.

ireneadler101 · 01/06/2023 09:56

If it's any consolation OP, and to counter some of the negativity on here, my husband is terrible at admin stuff and has been rubbish at sorting out his paternity leave on both occasions (this thread has reminded me to remind him as baby number 2 due next week!). But he almost certainly has ADHD and struggles with this sort of thing, and he is nevertheless a brilliant Dad and partner. I've found that generally bigger companies are pretty relaxed about the paperwork side of things re pat leave as long as the manager is generally aware.

Original poster

Faz469 · 01/06/2023 17:53

All sorted. His line manager has got back to him. They are agreeing to the paternity leave and allowing him to take an extra 2 weeks annual leave too.

OP posts:

TUCKINGFYP0 · 01/06/2023 17:57

Faz469 · 01/06/2023 17:53

All sorted. His line manager has got back to him. They are agreeing to the paternity leave and allowing him to take an extra 2 weeks annual leave too.

That’s good news OP. I hope he learns from this and now steps up to be a great dad.
Hope you are keeping well.

Original poster

Faz469 · 01/06/2023 18:13

He is a great dad already. I have no doubts about his ability to be a good dad.

OP posts:

TimesRwo · 01/06/2023 18:14

Glad it’s been resolved and really glad you’ve not listened to the usual negativity on MN that has already decided he’s going to be an awful dad because he forgot something procedural.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 01/06/2023 18:18

LisaSs · 31/05/2023 11:06

you are all so negative it's a joke.

fine, he f**ked up not doing research but he probably didn't even know something like that exist!

Have a chat with him, tell him he dissapointed you and that you can't think about everything, I'm sure he understood his lesson

But it happened already, he forgot, just give him a chance to fix it now, see what he will do

good luck OP x

Are you sayi ghe didn’t know paternity leave existed? Despite the fa t ne talked about taking it with his dwife?

Or are you saying he didn’t know how to apply, in which case HE SHOULD HAVE CHECKED just the OP did for maternity pay/leave?

Thats pure laziness and a trial lack of care about the situation.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 01/06/2023 18:43

Glad it’s good news OP. Some of the replies here are a bit crazy. Best of luck with the little one.

Littlegoth · 01/06/2023 19:06

I work in HR too. We’ve never turned down a request in all the organisations I’ve worked at. Even the one that came in the day after the baby was born.

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