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Original poster

Advice with having a crappy baby daddy?

32 replies

Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:21

14 weeks and he’s been giving me nothing but stress (I broke up with him around 7 weeks pregnant) I decided I’d have him round for scans and stuff as it’s his child too. But ever since the 12 week scan he’s become more controlling and starting arguments with me so I’ve decided to keep him away until I’m in hospital giving birth to keep my sanity and stress levels as low as I can. He would flip out on me for reacting to boys memes on facebook (stupid I know) he does the same with other girls and yet gets angry with me when I do it. (even though we’re not together)it seems I’m not allowed to talk to any other men even though he talks to a bunch of girls , he argues with me cause he thinks anything I post on social media is a dig at him , gets really angry and punches walls as he can’t control his temper . Constantly tells me things I can’t do cause I’m pregnant and making me feel guilty for having a life when pregnant . Claims to care about me and the child yet constantly giving me grief . I’m at rock bottom and have no idea what to do . Runs to his mummy too whenever I ask him to stay away cause of what he’s put me through then get messages from his mum saying I can’t do that to him . Any input is appreciated 🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:24

Also not to mention he plays victim and gets everyone to feel sorry for him and making me look the villain . This man has rape accusations and everyone still thinks the sun shines out his arse 😭

OP posts:
WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 16:25

OP, I’m not even going to express my bafflement that you decided to go ahead with a pregnancy (which I’m assuming was accidental) after you ended this relationship. This man is bringing nothing to your life. I would block him on SM and concentrate on yourself and your unborn baby, on the assumption you will be bringing him or her up alone.

Are you both extremely young? Do you have people around you to support you? Are you able to support yourself?

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 16:27

Do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of your lives?

It's not too late.

WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 16:27

OP, your update mentions rape accusations. Was there rape or any form of coercive sex in your relationship? Has he been charged with rape? Again, do you have support around you?

Flopsythebunny · 08/05/2023 16:29

My advice would be to have a termination. It's only going to get worse over the next 18 years

ConstanceReid · 08/05/2023 16:34

Stop calling him a ‘baby daddy’ for one, this makes you sound extremely immature.

Secondly, why on earth did you get pregnant by him? He sounds like an absolute waste of space. Unless you’re content to be a single parent, I’d be advising you to consider not continuing with this pregnancy.

Original poster
Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:34

@WomanBitingATowel I’m 22 , have a lot of support but he’s still wanting to stay involved , he’s just pissy because he can’t live with me and won’t see baby as much cause he’ll be working alot and blames me . And the case was dismissed cause of lack of evidence , but he was very touchy with me multiple times I’ve said no
@gogohmm abortion is illegal where I live so it’s not an option
@Flopsythebunny illegal where I live so not an option

OP posts:
Hopingforno2in2023 · 08/05/2023 16:34

It all sounds horrific but the rape accusations are especially worrying. Is your midwife aware of these? I won’t lie, in your situation I would probably move as far away as I possibly could while I was still pregnant. Chances are he won’t bother if you are hundreds of miles away.

WheelsUp · 08/05/2023 16:36

Just block him on social media. There's no need for contact until after the baby is born.
When the baby is born send him a message to say "the baby is healthy and weighed X"
Don't take him to the name registration appointment or tell him when it is because that is a potential flashpoint. Men like him fight for their surname to be added then disappear. Traditionally baby will have the surname of the mother anyway.
Once this is done inform him of the baby's name.

If he wants to discuss contact then wait until the baby is born. No need arguing about this or child maintenance before the birth. Both issues can be used as a stick to beat you with so delay the discussions until after the birth.

Hopefully a break in contact will mean that both of you can be calmer. Pregnancy is tough enough without the stress of an ex.

Original poster
Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:41

@ConstanceReid sorry I didn’t mean to come across as immature :/ I didn’t know any of this before I got with him , that’s why I broke up with him as soon as I found out . @Hopingforno2in2023 as much as I’d love to move far away all my support is here.
midwife doesn’t know cause I only not long ago found all this out
@WheelsUp that’s my plan , I plan to give baby my last name and won’t tell him when I’m registering, if I don’t let him at the birth I’m afraid of him and his family and friends being horrible to me for not inviting him

OP posts:
WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 16:51

Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:41

@ConstanceReid sorry I didn’t mean to come across as immature :/ I didn’t know any of this before I got with him , that’s why I broke up with him as soon as I found out . @Hopingforno2in2023 as much as I’d love to move far away all my support is here.
midwife doesn’t know cause I only not long ago found all this out
@WheelsUp that’s my plan , I plan to give baby my last name and won’t tell him when I’m registering, if I don’t let him at the birth I’m afraid of him and his family and friends being horrible to me for not inviting him

Your baby’s birth isn’t a spectator sport he’s owed a ticket for! Birth is an intense event where you need to feel safe and non-stressed, and to have with you only someone who can be fully supportive in aiding and advocating for you — he has given you ample proof he is not this person. His family and friends don’t get a vote — this isn’t a local election! Tell your midwife if you’re feeling coerced or intimidated by them.

Would you terminate if that were an option? Is travelling to terminate an option? (I say this as an Irishwoman who travelled to the UK with friends to terminate pregnancies before it was legalised n Ireland.)

Original poster
Expectingfirstbaby23 · 08/05/2023 16:53

@WomanBitingATowel thank you so much for this . I’m gonna talk to my midwife about it all and see what she says . travelling isn’t an option but again neither is termination as it’s not something I’m personally comfortable with . I’ve seen baby moving and jumping about on scans , I just couldn’t do it

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 08/05/2023 18:02

Which country are you in where abortion is illegal?

Snugglemonkey · 08/05/2023 18:55

Whereabouts are you op? If I were you, I would be strongly considering travelling to access a termination. I know it does not appeal, but it might be worth having a few counselling sessions to consider. You will pay a high price for having this child.

If you want to go ahead, I hope you have all the support you need. Make sure it is real and dependable support. Many people said they would support my friend, but only two did and I know she struggled massively. Others are a lot luckier.

pompypomppomp · 08/05/2023 19:01

I agree with trying your hardest to get a termination (travel). Having a child can be so beautiful when done with the right person, when you do it with an abusive scum bag for a dad it can tear your entire life apart. I have done this. The termination will be devastating, but nowhere near as devastating as keeping this man in your life for the next 20 years. Good luck op

Liveafr · 08/05/2023 19:22

Punching walls is a prequel to domestic violence (not that the rest of what you say about him is great either). I advise you to cut all contact with him while you can.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/05/2023 19:25

Don't use the term 'baby daddy'? Just a thought

Guineapigwoes · 08/05/2023 19:32

Sounds like an absolute shit show. Feel sorry for your baby. Stop degrading yourself by calling him a baby daddy

Maya34 · 08/05/2023 19:36

I don't think termination is an option - as far as I understand you want this baby, it is your bean firstly, and your body. So I think cutting connection with father for time you are pregnant will help you. Just think only about you and your baby. Wish you all the best!

Temporaryname158 · 08/05/2023 19:41

Cut all ties with the father.

inform your midwife of the threats, violence etc from him and the family

do not put his name on the birth certificate as the father.

do not have him accompany you to the birth.

he has behaved terribly, you are going to become a mother and if you won’t travel to terminate you need to now grow up and protect yourself and your child from the man

chezpopbang · 08/05/2023 21:43

Some of the advice on here feels extreme but I feel like a lot of it comes from experience. You need to stop trying to please others (baby daddy and his mother) and starting thinking what is best for you and the baby. If they send you abusive messages just reply saying you are doing what is best for you and the baby and you won't be spoken to like that then block. Set up an email he can contact you on. Then you can control when you are exposed to the contact. Tell him you would like him at the birth but you won't tolerate abusive behaviour and if he is going to continue this way you won't let him be there. If it was me I'd limit contact with him as much as possible

Motherofalittledragon · 08/05/2023 21:55

Not very helpful I know but my god being tied to him for the next 18 years will be awful. What country are you in that abortion is illegal?

Jk987 · 08/05/2023 22:05

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/05/2023 19:25

Don't use the term 'baby daddy'? Just a thought

Not helpful and fairly patronising. I would stop using the term Lady unless you're of the aristocracy.

Original poster
Expectingfirstbaby23 · 09/05/2023 10:21

Oh wow, didn’t expect so many responses and people calling me out for saying baby daddy ? It’s a fairly used word here , I didn’t think much of it 🤣 thank you for the comments , but again termination isn’t an option as it’s my own personal choice to not have one , I have amazing support so I’m really not worried about that, just needed some advice on what to do about the “father of my child”

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/05/2023 10:46

Delete him on social media. Talk to whatever your equivalent of Women's Aid is. Do not give the baby his name. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Gather your support group round you and focus on yourself and your baby.