Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

AIBU to not have visitors for the first 3-5 days?

61 replies

Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:31

Just that really.

About to have my second baby and wondering if it's "ok" to not have any visitors for the first 3-5 days? (I know that it is ok, I just need some validation as I'm worried I'm gonna cause a rift)

This is our second baby and when our DC was born last year, PIL stayed for 4 longggg hours when I was only out of the hospital! Should've asked them to leave but I was too exhausted and hormonal.

Trying to set firm boundaries this time around as I feel like I'm too soft these days and i just need some advice on what to say to really keen PIL (who only live 10mins away)

Has anyone else done this re visitors or had this conversation with family/friends? How did it go?

Xx

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 18:32

That's more than reasonable. I was still in hospital after 5 days.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:34

blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 18:32

That's more than reasonable. I was still in hospital after 5 days.

This makes me feel better. I was in hospital due to an induction for 4 days prior to DC birth. I did say no visitors for the 2 days but DPs parent kept calling and laying it on thick and we gave in. I just remember crying when his parent was holding the baby for over an hour! I don't want to go through that again!

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 07/05/2023 18:35

Try and avoid telling them when you give birth, if at all possible

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 18:36

Definitely reasonable. My in laws came before I was even discharged from hospital, every single time!

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:37

Mum2jenny · 07/05/2023 18:35

Try and avoid telling them when you give birth, if at all possible

Will need either my parents or his to watch DC when I go into labour. I'll just let him say to them that we won't be having visitors for the first 3-5 days, we will text when we're ready and we're only asking for short visits to "fit everyone in" 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:37

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 18:36

Definitely reasonable. My in laws came before I was even discharged from hospital, every single time!

Oh my god! How did you handle that?

OP posts:
Reugny · 07/05/2023 18:37

Seems the issue is your PILs being useless and demanding.

It is ok to tell them not to visit because you aren't recieving visitors yet but allow anyone who is helpful to see you. For example the person/people who are helping you with your eldest.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:38

Reugny · 07/05/2023 18:37

Seems the issue is your PILs being useless and demanding.

It is ok to tell them not to visit because you aren't recieving visitors yet but allow anyone who is helpful to see you. For example the person/people who are helping you with your eldest.

I'll keep this in mind! Thank you!

OP posts:
Reugny · 07/05/2023 18:39

Will need either my parents or his to watch DC when I go into labour.

Use your own parents or anyone else but his. People will help you if you ask now.

YouveGotAFastCar · 07/05/2023 18:39

We set the expectation that we’d be having the first couple of weeks, on my midwifes advice. She said we could always invite people round sooner, but you couldn’t get time back if people intruded.

In the end, we were readmitted on day 2 and weren’t home for two weeks so it didn’t matter, and nobody could visit because of Covid - but I was glad we’d set the expectation.

Pr1mr0se · 07/05/2023 18:42

It's your baby, your rules. Tell them what you want regarding visiting hours/ duration. They should respect that.

WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 18:43

Not at all. I said none for three weeks. It’s not as if the baby is going to go stale.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:45

Reugny · 07/05/2023 18:39

Will need either my parents or his to watch DC when I go into labour.

Use your own parents or anyone else but his. People will help you if you ask now.

It would make sense that it would be my side as it's right next to our home and DC nursery! I want to keep as much normality as possible!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:46

YouveGotAFastCar · 07/05/2023 18:39

We set the expectation that we’d be having the first couple of weeks, on my midwifes advice. She said we could always invite people round sooner, but you couldn’t get time back if people intruded.

In the end, we were readmitted on day 2 and weren’t home for two weeks so it didn’t matter, and nobody could visit because of Covid - but I was glad we’d set the expectation.

Oh I'm sorry you went through that! But so right about expectations. I'll have the conversation over the coming the weeks and he can speak to his side x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:46

WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 18:43

Not at all. I said none for three weeks. It’s not as if the baby is going to go stale.

Exactly!!!!!!!

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 07/05/2023 18:49

Yanbu. Your recovery and wellbeing is the priority here.
I stopped people visiting for over a week after DC2. It was bliss.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/05/2023 18:49

I don’t understand this as I was desperate to show off my babies. However, if you want some time with your baby to yourself, you’re entitled to that.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:50

megletthesecond · 07/05/2023 18:49

Yanbu. Your recovery and wellbeing is the priority here.
I stopped people visiting for over a week after DC2. It was bliss.

Can I ask what made you decide to do that with your second? Did you have similar experiences with your first? Totally agree. I get anxiety sometimes and it'a definitely at an all time high those first few weeks PP!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:51

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/05/2023 18:49

I don’t understand this as I was desperate to show off my babies. However, if you want some time with your baby to yourself, you’re entitled to that.

I get what you're saying. And of course I want everyone to meet my DC, but when you have overbearing PIL it can get too much. And I don't feel the need to show them off. They aren't a toy!

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 07/05/2023 18:59

Personally my opinion is skewed I think. First baby was born two weeks into first lock down so no visitors for months anyway Confused it was incredibly lonely and very hard.

Second baby I had visitors at hospital (my mum and sister) then the day we came him my PIL came to stay. For four days. But the caveat to this is a) I like my PIL and get on well with them abs b) I never have to host when they are here. They just crack on.

For us it was lovely as they really helped us. My MIL looked after me (c section birth) and baby and my FIL helped DH look after DS (2) at the time. He also adores his grandparents so when we brought new baby home he has lots and lots of attention.

MIL cooked all meals for us. Did all the washing. Batched cooked for the freezer. Stayed with me whilst DH had toddler when we were readmitted (briefly) for jaundice.

I sobbed when they left after 5 days!

However if you don't want it. Then that's your choice. Just thought I would offer another view. I think it depends entirely on your relationships.

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:00

I feel for your DH. Your parents are allowed to meet your baby but not his.. ridiculous really

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:03

I hope you don't want them to baby sit your baby when you want couple time because they probably won't. I know I wouldn't. What's the point?

You want your 'bubble' you can have it til the baby is 10.

No doubt you'll be back on here whinging about how the in-laws don't want anything to do with the baby.

Never mind. You made your bed. You lie in it

Myn · 07/05/2023 19:03

A friend of mine had her mother in law stop for ten weeks -- it was a running joke by the end what she could do to get rid.

AmadeustheAlpaca · 07/05/2023 19:04

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:00

I feel for your DH. Your parents are allowed to meet your baby but not his.. ridiculous really

Totally agree with this.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/05/2023 19:08

Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:51

I get what you're saying. And of course I want everyone to meet my DC, but when you have overbearing PIL it can get too much. And I don't feel the need to show them off. They aren't a toy!

Show quote history

Well, that was unnecessary and rude. I at no point considered my babies to be toys but I was incredibly proud of the gorgeous little girls I had made and wanted everyone to see them. My PIL have as much right to see their grandchildren as my parents and they would have been devastated if I had told them they couldn’t when others could. If you are happy to potentially damage your relationship with them, carry on.