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Original poster

AIBU to not have visitors for the first 3-5 days?

61 replies

Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 18:31

Just that really.

About to have my second baby and wondering if it's "ok" to not have any visitors for the first 3-5 days? (I know that it is ok, I just need some validation as I'm worried I'm gonna cause a rift)

This is our second baby and when our DC was born last year, PIL stayed for 4 longggg hours when I was only out of the hospital! Should've asked them to leave but I was too exhausted and hormonal.

Trying to set firm boundaries this time around as I feel like I'm too soft these days and i just need some advice on what to say to really keen PIL (who only live 10mins away)

Has anyone else done this re visitors or had this conversation with family/friends? How did it go?

Xx

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sexnotgenders · 07/05/2023 19:19

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:03

I hope you don't want them to baby sit your baby when you want couple time because they probably won't. I know I wouldn't. What's the point?

You want your 'bubble' you can have it til the baby is 10.

No doubt you'll be back on here whinging about how the in-laws don't want anything to do with the baby.

Never mind. You made your bed. You lie in it

Wow. That's some serious projection you're throwing out there. Maybe turn down the dial a bit on the anger towards random people on the internet?

WomanBitingATowel · 07/05/2023 19:25

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:03

I hope you don't want them to baby sit your baby when you want couple time because they probably won't. I know I wouldn't. What's the point?

You want your 'bubble' you can have it til the baby is 10.

No doubt you'll be back on here whinging about how the in-laws don't want anything to do with the baby.

Never mind. You made your bed. You lie in it

Is there some correlation between showing parents and ILs your baby as early as possible after birth and their willingness to babysit said baby later on? Do you get extra babysitting credit if you let them arrive before you’ve delivered the placenta??

SpringIntoChaos · 07/05/2023 19:26

Will this same rule apply to your own parents OP...or is it one you're making up just to delay your PIL? If it's for ALL visitors, then of course you're absolutely ok to do so, but to exclude your DH's parents exclusively would be very cruel.

Oldnproud · 07/05/2023 19:31

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 18:36

Definitely reasonable. My in laws came before I was even discharged from hospital, every single time!

My God, your PILs actually visited you while you were still in hospital?
What inconsiderate bar stewards. Not.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 07/05/2023 19:32

We had the same. DD is still in hospital at 5 weeks old and not yet met any family. All grandparents have been moaning to see her saying they are being deprived of her but we said no visitors. No one but mums and dads to the babies can touch or hold them in neonatal here in hospital due to infection risk and my dm told me if she visited she'd do it when nurses weren't looking. Therefore we said no visitors as DM put her own needs before my babies and can't be trusted. DM says her granny snuggles will cure DD 🙄You do whatever feels right. It's your baby not a doll.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:35

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:00

I feel for your DH. Your parents are allowed to meet your baby but not his.. ridiculous really

Sorry when did I say this? It goes for ALL visitors!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:36

IndiaPaleAle · 07/05/2023 19:03

I hope you don't want them to baby sit your baby when you want couple time because they probably won't. I know I wouldn't. What's the point?

You want your 'bubble' you can have it til the baby is 10.

No doubt you'll be back on here whinging about how the in-laws don't want anything to do with the baby.

Never mind. You made your bed. You lie in it

So I'm not allowed to enjoy the first few days alone with my new baby to adapt to being a family or 4? Ok I'll lie in my bed 🤣 thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:38

Imagine being heavily pregnant and vulnerable and you come on Mumsnet for a simple bit of advice and for others to share their post partum stories. Instead you get ripped apart and your words get twisted.

It's honestly such a shame. I used to love being part of Mumsnet it felt like a community.

Thanks to everyone who shared their stories, they where really helpful 💐

OP posts:
ConstanceReid · 07/05/2023 19:39

Only on MN do I see this uptight controlling of visitors. And it’s almost always about rejecting the in-laws. I absolutely loved the influx of friends and family when we had ours. I sat on the sofa and didn’t lift a finger.

Just ask people not to stay for long if it’s an issue. It’s a special time and I don’t get why people don’t want to enjoy it with loved ones.

blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 19:41

@ConstanceReid everyone if different. Not everyone can handle a flurry of visitors and some visitors still expect to be waited on even if you have a new baby.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:43

ConstanceReid · 07/05/2023 19:39

Only on MN do I see this uptight controlling of visitors. And it’s almost always about rejecting the in-laws. I absolutely loved the influx of friends and family when we had ours. I sat on the sofa and didn’t lift a finger.

Just ask people not to stay for long if it’s an issue. It’s a special time and I don’t get why people don’t want to enjoy it with loved ones.

Because some PIL are an absolute nightmare. That's why. Not everyone has a happy family. So hence why people come onto Mumsnet for a moan or to seek guidance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:44

blahblahblah1654 · 07/05/2023 19:41

@ConstanceReid everyone if different. Not everyone can handle a flurry of visitors and some visitors still expect to be waited on even if you have a new baby.

Thank you!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 07/05/2023 19:47

YANBU OP. It’s rubbish that they stayed for 4 hours last time when they lived 10 mins away!

ConstanceReid · 07/05/2023 19:51

Maybe I’m different by my husband acted as host and my parents and in-laws stepped in to help with domestic stuff. And friends and family brought food and fizz.

My first was over a week old before I got to change a nappy 😂 It’s incomprehensible to me to turn away guests at such a special time. 2 or 3 weeks in just isn’t the same. I feel really sad to think my sons and future daughters in law wouldn’t be desperate for us to see their babies as soon as possible, as we were.

mangomama91 · 07/05/2023 19:51

We had the first week at home just the 4 of us when my second was born and it was definitely the best decision! It was lovely! YADefinitelyNBU

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:55

Just to note, me and my parents are close. But they aren't the type to stay for long. A flying visit. That's why I didn't originally mention them in my OP. When my mum visited when I had my DC, she stayed for 45 minutes max. And that was great for me. Other visitors where the same. PIL where the only ones who stayed so long. I love them dearly and they have an amazing bond with our DC and we are close too. Hence why I was trying to find a nice, kind way to tell them (or DP to tell them) that we won't be having ANY visitors for the first few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:56

mangomama91 · 07/05/2023 19:51

We had the first week at home just the 4 of us when my second was born and it was definitely the best decision! It was lovely! YADefinitelyNBU

Ah I love that. Thank you so much for sharing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 19:58

ConstanceReid · 07/05/2023 19:51

Maybe I’m different by my husband acted as host and my parents and in-laws stepped in to help with domestic stuff. And friends and family brought food and fizz.

My first was over a week old before I got to change a nappy 😂 It’s incomprehensible to me to turn away guests at such a special time. 2 or 3 weeks in just isn’t the same. I feel really sad to think my sons and future daughters in law wouldn’t be desperate for us to see their babies as soon as possible, as we were.

You're right.... 2-3 weeks is far too long. Hence why I said 3-5 days max! 😊

OP posts:
TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 07/05/2023 19:59

I didn't see anyone for a week after both. And even then if I was tired I would just take myself upstairs for a nap and leave baby downstairs with DH and guests.

I never felt like showing off. S

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/05/2023 20:00

Your AIBU question is AIBU to not have visitors so people are responding to that. If you weren’t going to accept other people‘s opinions on that question, why did you ask it?

lunaloveroo · 07/05/2023 20:01

It's your baby and you're the one in recovery so you get to decide. everyone I know has lots of visitors in the first week after discharge from hospital. I think it's just normal here though.

Original poster
Pastalover23 · 07/05/2023 20:04

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 07/05/2023 19:59

I didn't see anyone for a week after both. And even then if I was tired I would just take myself upstairs for a nap and leave baby downstairs with DH and guests.

I never felt like showing off. S

With my first I did. I was super excited. But it just became a lot after the first week of having constant visitors who stayed for so long. I guess just keep the visits short and sweet is the best way xx

OP posts:
SilverGlitterBaubles · 07/05/2023 20:16

If they want to quickly pop in take DC1 out to the park or to drop off some shopping or pre prepared food to help out than all good but if they want to stay for lengthy periods then absolutely no.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 07/05/2023 20:36

The parallel universe that is Mumsnet! I've never known anyone IRL who did this and I'll be forever grateful that my DD and my DIL went out of their way to welcome us when each of the DGC was born. I would obviously have respected their wishes if they hadn't wanted visitors but nothing is so precious as those first amazing cuddles with a newborn grandchild.

JandalsAlways · 07/05/2023 20:44

Apparently you shouldn't for around 2 weeks because of germs, I didn't until about 3 weeks (except grandparents). I was exhausted and didn't want the hassle, I thought people would be annoyed with me, but they understood.

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