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Original poster

Pregnant - panicking with due date/father

39 replies

pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:06

I understand the position I've put myself in, and I can 100% swear that I will never touch alcohol again. I'm looking for advice here; please, please be kind.

I have irregular periods (one/two a year- very sporadic). I am married and pregnant, and my due date from my 8-week ultrasound is the 27th of November, 2023. I cannot calculate when I ovulated etc., because of the sporadic periods.

I went out on the 9th of March and experienced a blackout when drinking. For around 1 hour, I cannot remember a thing. My memory returned when I must have been chatting with a man outside the bar; my memory returned when I remember pushing him away from me when he tried to kiss me, telling him that I was married and running back inside, panicking, looking for my friend to leave. I remember feeling awful that I had got myself in a position for someone to try and kiss me. I felt awful and guilt-ridden for this; however, I do not remember at the time feeling guilty for something greater than this (i.e having sex with him).

However, I've now convinced myself that something further happened with this person, and he is the father to my unborn child, even though I have zero memory or recollection of something happening. Surely you would remember, even vaguely, having sex with someone in a public toilet etc. I was at a public bar, and checked google maps etc. to see if there is anything that would jog my memory - i.e. going down a side lane etc. I've experienced significant hanxiety before, making up situations in my head that didn't happen etc. I would never consciously cheat. From what I remember of the night, there was nothing 'obvious' to indicate that I had sex. I left straight away after this and went home.

The next day, I was guilt-ridden for getting myself into such a stupid position (him trying to kiss me. and me blacking out) but didn't even remotely think I had sex until I found out my due date. This is when this horrible niggling thought came into my head.

I've completed numerous online conception calculators that all say I probably conceived around the 6th of March, with my fertile window between the 28th Feb-6th March.

I have had sex with my husband before and after this date (I don't know exactly which days we weren't tracking). I've spoken with my therapist about this, who has said I'm most likely having this thought due to previous sexual abuse when drinking and not feeling in control). This was the first time I have drunk in over a year, and I can 100% swear it will be the last.

This is completely ruining the start of pregnancy for me. I remember the man being of an ethnic background, my partner and I are white, and I'm freaking out thinking I would have a glaringly obvious mixed-race child when the birth happens.

Going by the due date of the 27th Nov- when is it most probable that I ovulated/conceived?

Any help is appreciated. :(

OP posts:
Chanteuse · 26/04/2023 17:19

I’m not sure when you will have conceived but I didn’t want to read and run.

It’s really unlikely that you’d remember rejecting a kiss but then go on to have sex with him later on in the evening. Try not to be so hard on yourself💐

cestlavielife · 26/04/2023 17:23

Is your dh aware of this incident already? You could share your concerns you might have been raped and he will support you to do dna prenatally ?

Motnight · 26/04/2023 17:24

Op have you posted about this already? What are you hoping for that you didn't get from the other thread?

Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:25

This is the first time I've posted on this. I'm not aware of another thread, sorry.

OP posts:
PissTakeSubstitution · 26/04/2023 17:26

Where were your friends during the hour you can’t remember? Can they fill in the blanks?

Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:26

@cestlavielife He isn't aware of this no. I think it would absolutely destroy him that I have this worry.

As soon as my memory rejigged and I realised what was happening, I left straight away.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:28

@PissTakeSubstitution

They were sat at a table inside, I'm assuming I excused myself for air (I don't smoke) and got chatting to someone. Then when I realised what was happening, we all left straight away.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:29

@Chanteuse Thank you, I really appreciate it.

As soon as I realised what had happened, I left straight away. It's before my memory coming back to me that has me panicking.

OP posts:
PissTakeSubstitution · 26/04/2023 17:32

In that case I would have thought it unlikely that you had sex with someone.

You said you have had blackouts before. Have you had sex with someone previously during one? I’m just wondering as it’s more likely if it’s happened before. If not I wouldn’t worry. If nothing else, it doesn’t sound like the opportunity arose (what with you being outside and all).

Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:36

@PissTakeSubstitution Never had sex with someone no, usually saying/doing silly things that I can't remember. Crying/getting upset is normally the main one.

I was sexually abused after drinking when sleeping at a party around 10 years ago, this is where my therapist thinks this stemmed from (not being in control)

OP posts:
DamnThatHitsHome · 26/04/2023 17:37

cestlavielife · 26/04/2023 17:23

Is your dh aware of this incident already? You could share your concerns you might have been raped and he will support you to do dna prenatally ?

To my understanding, her concern is that she may have had consensual sex and forgotten (which is possible depending on how people’s memories react to alcohol, which varies a lot), rather than having been raped.

Obviously if that were the case, claiming rape to the husband would be wholly unacceptable.

OP, I’m sorry I don’t really have much advice. Only you can really know how likely you would be to a) have sex in a toilet/alleyway, b) notice the signs of having had sex eg the next morning, c) go AWOL with a man, d) go outside for fresh air alone, and d) have friends who would stop you if they saw you going AWOL with a man.

I realise that could be read with a judgey tone so just to clarify, it’s not at all! Nothing wrong with doing any of those things, just that people are different and you are in the best position to answer them.

Really hope you get some peace of mind and manage to enjoy the pregnancy if that’s what you choose 😊

DamnThatHitsHome · 26/04/2023 17:39

pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:36

@PissTakeSubstitution Never had sex with someone no, usually saying/doing silly things that I can't remember. Crying/getting upset is normally the main one.

I was sexually abused after drinking when sleeping at a party around 10 years ago, this is where my therapist thinks this stemmed from (not being in control)

I’m really sorry to hear this and I can fully imagine it’s making your situation harder now- so very possible you are overthinking, if your answer to those questions would be no 😊

Motnight · 26/04/2023 17:41

pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 17:25

This is the first time I've posted on this. I'm not aware of another thread, sorry.

Apologies.

toptail22 · 26/04/2023 17:42

Oh what a worry.
A similar thing happened to me. I did unfortunately have sex with the person and I'd essentially blacked it out.

Sorry....

Itwasntme101 · 26/04/2023 17:43

It may be different for everyone but the one time I did have sex with my boyfriend when I was blackout drunk although I couldn't remember I was able to tell in the morning (don't ask me exactly how, it's 20+ years ago and I was very hungover so the memory is hazy)

Legoladyp · 26/04/2023 17:50

Have your friends said you were gone 5mins or 60mins. If it was 5mins no way this was even possible.

I think your anxiety is getting to you and I think is your husbands baby. It doesn’t seem logical it would be another man’s but I know anxiety all too well and it makes you think illogically.

If you think you might struggle in other areas ask to be referred to the perimental health midwives they can help. I had a friend who found the idea of internal exams a nightmare after sexual assault and they made some great changes to make her comfortable

Monkeytapper · 26/04/2023 18:30

Were you unsure the day after the incident or has the feelings come about now?

oliveandwell · 26/04/2023 18:41

I think it is HIGHLY unlikely anything happened with this man.

Due dates / scans/ growth are not an exact science in the slightest. That's why only 4% babies are born on their due date.

If you had sex with your husband in the days before and after this incident, even the 10 days over that time you could still have the due date you have. Implantation can be short or long, 2 days or 10 days. And some babies grow quickly at the beginning and some grow slowly and catch up.

I really, really, really wouldn't worry.

I understand that niggling feeling but I'm sure it's just guilt and embarrassment about it happening at all.

If I had £1 million to place a bet, I'd bet on your husband and nothing happening with this other man.

Original poster
pinkbottle1252 · 26/04/2023 18:55

@Monkeytapper about 1/2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I woke up the following day with guilt over what I remembered- didn't even remotely think anything else happened.

OP posts:
ConstanceContraire · 26/04/2023 18:59

Well if he was trying to kiss you outside the bar, I doubt he'd had sex with you. These kinds would dump and run. He would not have 'pulled' you away somewhere hidden, only to bring you back and try to kiss you.

ConstanceContraire · 26/04/2023 19:01

Also to add I know we read about sex in public toilets etc but it's actually very dirty and uncomfortable. Most people wouldn't bother. They'd take the woman somewhere else.

anothermumsz · 26/04/2023 19:05

If I was in your position I would try to gather all the pieces together before freaking out. Where was you, who was you with where could this possible sex taken place? Is it even feasible. Did you feel like you had sex the next day. I feel like your vagina would have told you if you had, it’s more obvious when you have had intercourse with someone new. I think it is unlikely but you could always get a DNA test from your husband without him knowing and that would rule anything out and hopefully settle your mind so you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Worse case scenario you have the time to prepare everyone for the situation. Hoping for the best outcome for you 🤍

Natty83 · 26/04/2023 19:12

Honestly that estimated ovulation date really is just an estimate - the implantation process, how quickly little one grows etc varies so much pregnancy to pregnancy that you could well be two weeks outside it in either direction. For example I'm currently measuring 6 weeks pregnant based on a recent early scan but I know from my dates that I "ought" to be measuring more than 7 weeks pregnant (and I know exactly when I ovulated, dtd etc).
So please don't beat yourself up. You conceived earlier and have a slow starter like me, or conceived later and have a quick grower.

RedHelenB · 26/04/2023 19:17

We're you wearing underwear that night? And was it on you when you got home? I think even if you were very drunk you'd know you'd had a sexual encounter that could lead to pregnancy. From what you've put I don't think you've anything to worry about, it wax juat a drunken snog.

GoodChat · 26/04/2023 19:17

How long did your friend say you were gone for?