Pregnant - panicking with due date/father

[pinkbottle1252]

I understand the position I've put myself in, and I can 100% swear that I will never touch alcohol again. I'm looking for advice here; please, please be kind.

I have irregular periods (one/two a year- very sporadic). I am married and pregnant, and my due date from my 8-week ultrasound is the 27th of November, 2023. I cannot calculate when I ovulated etc., because of the sporadic periods.

I went out on the 9th of March and experienced a blackout when drinking. For around 1 hour, I cannot remember a thing. My memory returned when I must have been chatting with a man outside the bar; my memory returned when I remember pushing him away from me when he tried to kiss me, telling him that I was married and running back inside, panicking, looking for my friend to leave. I remember feeling awful that I had got myself in a position for someone to try and kiss me. I felt awful and guilt-ridden for this; however, I do not remember at the time feeling guilty for something greater than this (i.e having sex with him).

However, I've now convinced myself that something further happened with this person, and he is the father to my unborn child, even though I have zero memory or recollection of something happening. Surely you would remember, even vaguely, having sex with someone in a public toilet etc. I was at a public bar, and checked google maps etc. to see if there is anything that would jog my memory - i.e. going down a side lane etc. I've experienced significant hanxiety before, making up situations in my head that didn't happen etc. I would never consciously cheat. From what I remember of the night, there was nothing 'obvious' to indicate that I had sex. I left straight away after this and went home.

The next day, I was guilt-ridden for getting myself into such a stupid position (him trying to kiss me. and me blacking out) but didn't even remotely think I had sex until I found out my due date. This is when this horrible niggling thought came into my head.

I've completed numerous online conception calculators that all say I probably conceived around the 6th of March, with my fertile window between the 28th Feb-6th March.

I have had sex with my husband before and after this date (I don't know exactly which days we weren't tracking). I've spoken with my therapist about this, who has said I'm most likely having this thought due to previous sexual abuse when drinking and not feeling in control). This was the first time I have drunk in over a year, and I can 100% swear it will be the last.

This is completely ruining the start of pregnancy for me. I remember the man being of an ethnic background, my partner and I are white, and I'm freaking out thinking I would have a glaringly obvious mixed-race child when the birth happens.

Going by the due date of the 27th Nov- when is it most probable that I ovulated/conceived?

Any help is appreciated. :(

MonkeyTapper, my heart goes out to you so much. However if you had had sex, there would have been signs of it afterwards, far more noticeable and recognisable if a condom was not used. You remember pushing the chap away, then running off when he tried to kiss you after which you went inside and rejoined your friends.

The baby's father is your old man! Stop worrying and enjoy your pregnancy.

Make a strong mental note never to be in that position again - limit the drink

I agree 100% with LBFseBrom

If you'd had unprotected sex, you'd notice afterwards, even the next day, with discharge and possible being a bit sore (as I don't imagine that there'd be a lot of foreplay in that situation).

This guy, if he'd already shagged you, wouldn't be trying to kiss you later. That's not how these things/men work!

You remember the kiss, and sex is far more significant so I'm pretty sure you'd remember if that had happened.

I think this is the guilt monster trying to make you pay for getting drunk.

I think you were in a kind of state of shock when you found out you are pregnant (it's a bit of a shock for anyone tbh, even if it was planned and wished for) and your mind is responding to the shock by making you go down an anxiety spiral like this. It's completely implausible you had sex with that man. If that was a possibility you would have freaked out about it the next day already, not just when finding out about your pregnancy.
Being pregnant and having a baby are huge things to process - please be very kind to yourself and do seek mental health support if you need to at any stage!

The growth scan dates can vary so much. With mine I knew exactly the date of last period and the date of conception, which meant the due date was 19 Sep. Growth scan showed due date to be 1 oct, and baby arrived on 12 oct, that was induced so would have been even later! So please take the dates with a pinch of salt and be kind to yourself. Agree with pp that the scenario you’re imagining just doesn’t make sense, and this is just a case of major beer fear. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Have you thought about asking the bar if they have cctv, just to put your mind at rest once and for all?

@GoodChat around 15/20 mins. Although I do think part of this would have been me going to use toilet then outside

That wouldn't have been long enough for you to meet him, disappear, have sex, then chat some more and him try to kiss you, and you get back to your friends

I would tell your husband now. I would go to the police and I would make sure that he knew and they knew. Can you imagine your husbands face if this baby comes out black/Chinese or whatever ethnicity this person was? Can you then imagine trying to explain “oh I was raped, I think, I was drunk I don’t remember”. That’s not going to wash! I hope your therapist has advised you the same as I have?! If not they want sacking. I’m not judging, I’m just being real and imagining the possible impact this may have. The alternative is you keep quiet and do a DNA test secretly once the baby’s here. I feel for you. Xx

I agree, if you think there's any chance you had sex, and this man was a different ethnicity, you need to speak to your husband , apart from driving you crazy your whole pregnancy, it's too late to say I was drunk/attacked when you've delivered and it becomes obvious.

I think in the balance of probability the baby is your husbands, i see why other posters are saying tell your husband your concerns, i suppose it depends on the relationship you have with him, ultimately you could end up ruining your marriage for something that never even happened so i would really think this through before i would mention anything to your husband. I do think from reading comments you're probably being paranoid, if i was in your shoes, nothing is wrong until something is wrong, enjoy your pregnancy.

Sorry for the late update,

To clarify again, I was away from my friends for around 15-20 minutes.

I contacted the bar and advised the situation/anxiety I was having. They advised the area I 'came to' in, had a steward watching the area. They were questioned and nothing occurred of that nature. They also advised they checked the back area footage and no movement or activity happened throughout the time period I was there. There is also a toilet attendant in both the male and female cubicle and they have been questioned, and did not see or hear anything untoward. She said they wouldn't stand for anything like that. I checked, and there is no disabled toilet. She has my description now and is going to check the cameras again for anything else and let me know- I'm surprised at how helpful the bar has been.

I didn't have any signs of sexual activity the following day, this thought didn't even occur to me the next day and only creeped in a few weeks later when I found out I was pregnant and found out the due date, when I checked online of when conception would have taken place this is when this thought occurred.

It's not something I can easily bring up with my husband, I don't know if anything had happened, and it's not something I can destroy my marriage over when uncertain if this is anxiety taking place.

I had sex with my husband two days before this happened, and the following day.

I track my symptoms on the health app and I started showing symptoms around 4th-6th March (mood changes and fatigue) with the same symptoms plus bloating on the 7th, in addition to cramping plus those symptoms on the 8th. Breast pain, plus those symptoms from the 10th onwards.

Thank you all for being so understand in your responses, I can honestly say I'll never experience a blackout for as long as I live. It's terrifying and the anxiety eats me apart on the best of days after drinking (even 1-2 glasses when I've not seen anyone) never mind a situation of the unknown like this. My relationship with alcohol after pregnancy will now be non-existent, I hate it at the best of times and only drank on this night to 'fit in' (extremely stupid at the age of 31 I know)

Dearest OP,

Due dates are not an exact science, even if you only had sex with with your husband 5 days before or after the date that you went out you could still end up with the due date you have. But you had sex with him immediately before and after. There are so many variables with conception.

Please don't worry, I really do think it's just the anxiety/guilt plaguing you.

You need to put this behind you, you've done all you can to put your mind at ease and nothing has come of it.

Enjoy your life with your husband and baby.

@oliveandwell

The night I went out was the 9th of March, and definitely had sex with my husband the week prior in addition to two days before/day after.

Thank you for your kind words, after speaking to the bar I definitely feel loads better that there wasn't any scope to actually do anything there. I've checked google maps of surrounding streets etc and there isn't any area it could have happened there (extremely unlike me to even want to do 'it' on the street/alley say) but wanted to double check to avoid being naive. Plus, I'm 4.9" and I've never had the luxury of standing up whilst having sex!

Update?

Hi,

My little boy was born late Nov, the absolute double of his Dad (anxiety got the better of me on this one!!).