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Original poster

To find out the gender or not? Husband wants a surprise so says I need to have a surprise too

32 replies

Zee1345 · 26/04/2023 16:26

Hi,
So I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby, I already have a girl and a boy, so gender doesn't really matter to me(gender preference is not the reason I want to find out) I will be so happy with what ever we have and it will really be a surprise anyway this time as we already have one of each and this is our last baby.
It's not been an easy pregnancy for me so far, I started with very bad morning sickness at 4 weeks and I'm 16 weeks and have currently tried 2different anti sickness medications and the new one I've started worked for a few days and now I'm back to being sick again, I'm also dehydrated from not being able to drink much and I've had 3 colds with sinus Infections lasting ages in the last 1 and a half months so it's not been an easy time this pregnancy, I'm trying to enjoy it but i think because of how I'm feeling I'm not getting excited yet about the baby and finding it hard to even get excited about the baby or bond with it.
I found out the gender with my first, had a surprise with my 2nd, both was nice and it was genuinely lovely having a surprise at the last birth and sometimes I think waiting this time until the birth will be more special because we've already got one of each, however I just keep thinking maybe if I find out the gender of the baby this time it might help me get excited and bond with the baby more?
My husband said a couple of weeks ago wed find out and not tell family and leave it as a surprise for the family, and now he has changed and saying he wants a surprise so that means I can't find out too and I need to have a surprise too.
I keep going back and forth on what I want as a surprise and find out is both nice but I feel he is being unreasonable saying I can't find out if I want too because he wants a surprise.
How would you deal with this? Is he being unreasonable or should I just respect what he wants?
Do you think it might help me bond with the baby and get excited if I find out?
Thanks

OP posts:
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drcb83 · 26/04/2023 16:55

He wanted to wait, I wanted to know on day 1 - so we settled on knowing at viability - so 22-24 weeks.

P1ckledonionz · 26/04/2023 17:03

My husband said a couple of weeks ago wed find out and not tell family and leave it as a surprise for the family, and now he has changed and saying he wants a surprise so that means I can't find out too and I need to have a surprise too.

🤔

Did he actually dictate to you what you both were going to do, like he's the boss?

Does he usually talk to you in this way?!

drpet49 · 26/04/2023 17:05

I agree with your surprise, it is a nice surprise to wait for.

HirplesWithHaggis · 26/04/2023 17:07

If you found out, would you be able to keep it secret from him?

SpringSparrow · 26/04/2023 17:13

I think he’s being unreasonable. You are the one who is carrying the baby and are having a rough time of it. I don’t think he should be dictating what you do. He can always wait until the birth if he wants a surprise then.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 17:15

You're carrying his child for 9 months and a bit if you want to know the gender you should be able to be told at the scan

sommeliermama · 26/04/2023 17:15

Do whatever you want to do! At the end of the day you are the one carrying the baby, not your husband. Yes discuss it with him again if you decide you want to find out, but he shouldn't be making this decision for both of you

Bivarb · 26/04/2023 17:20

You're the one carrying the baby and suffering so you get the final say.

If he wants a surprise then he'll need to leave the room before you are told at the scan. He is also responsible for not finding out another way. He needs to make sure he doesn't find any gendered clothing in the house or find out another way. It's not on you to ensure this.

Noorandapples · 26/04/2023 17:22

If you say at the 20 week scan "I want to know the gender, he doesn't" the technician will offer for him to leave the room while they tell you, he won't be likely to kick off in there will he? Otherwise don't invite him to it at all!

Original poster
Zee1345 · 26/04/2023 18:22

HirplesWithHaggis · 26/04/2023 17:07

If you found out, would you be able to keep it secret from him?

My worry if I did this is that during labor I might let it slip and tell him that I know 😂 maybe I'm over thinking it

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 26/04/2023 18:26

Your body. Your choice. (Being as you're the one who's actually pregnant and all that.)

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/04/2023 18:27

And if he gets arsey once you've found out, tell him it's a puppy.
That'll surprise him alright.

Original poster
Zee1345 · 26/04/2023 18:27

Thank you for all your replies.
The thing is we decided to find out together and 20 week scan and keep it between us and keep it a surprise for the family including our children, my husbands made a comment to him about a week ago to him during a phone call asking him if we were going to find out the gender and he said " we don't know yet" and he said his mum responded saying " don't find out keep it a surprise" and he listens to everything she says, so since she has said that to him he's told me we are having a surprise. I said to him if you want a surprise you can and I'll find out he said no. I just don't understand what his problem is with it and finding out but when his mum tells him something she comes first In his mind I now guess.

I'm genuinely thinking of just finding out myself and not telling him I know, with my last baby I didn't mind the suprise as I was sure I wanted a surprise and yes it was lovely too, I just feel with feeling so sick this time around it will help me feel excited and bond with the baby if i know as its something that will make me feel happy during these days I'm feeling unwell. I'm going to talk to him again tonight, I told him today I won't force him to find out so he shouldn't force me not to find out if I don't want to either.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2023 18:30

This is one of those things where he can express an opinion, but he doesn’t actually get a vote. If you want to know the sex of the baby, find out. You are also free to tell him if you wish.

with my tough pregnancy, it was important to me that the medical staff not know any information that I did not also know. that includes the sex of the baby.

Callixte · 26/04/2023 18:34

... he has changed and saying he wants a surprise so that means I can't find out too and I need to have a surprise too. If you're willing to find out and keep it quiet, that should work for everyone. If you're only worried about slipping up during labour, that seems like a small issue - he'll still be surprised, just for a few hours less than he hoped for.

Your reasons for wanting to know are much more convincing than his mother's, but anyway it's not her baby. If you and your husband can't agree it should be your choice as it's your body and you're doing almost all of the work of pregnancy. He doesn't even have the experience of having been pregnant; I'd be annoyed by his trying to force a specific outcome with no good reasons.

FeltedDogs · 26/04/2023 18:40

All this keeping it a surprise for family and friends is weird, who really cares except the parents? I went to a bbq in someone's garden and they had covered the nursery window so nobody could look through and see the colour scheme. I was aghast at their inflated opinion that anyone gave a shit. This husband sounds precious and weird.

FeltedDogs · 26/04/2023 18:41

And a mummy's boy. Good luck with that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/04/2023 18:44

You wanted to find out, so find out. It's not for him to say you can't. He's not carrying this baby. You are. If you want to find out, you find out.

Mummynew08 · 26/04/2023 18:46

and he listens to everything she says, so since she has said that to him he's told me we are having a surprise

Oh dear! I wouldn't be putting up with this

romdowa · 26/04/2023 18:48

My dh and I had initially decided we wanted a surprise. By 30 weeks I was sick of waiting , so I asked to be told during a scan. I didn't tell him I even knew for weeks but I did eventually tell him I knew and I asked if he wanted to know and he said yes. Your husband doesn't ever have to know you found out. It's your hospital appointment

BHRK · 26/04/2023 18:50

If you can stay quiet then go ahead and find out and don’t tell him. But don’t ruin his chance of a surprise.
personally I think there are few genuine lovely surprises in life.. finding out the moment your baby is born is one of them. It’s wonderful.

CheekyHobson · 26/04/2023 18:51

It’s not up to him, simple as that.

Mummynew08 · 26/04/2023 18:59

But don’t ruin his chance of a surprise.

Op's husband is ruining her chance of a non-surprise though. I felt I began to bond more once I knew dd's sex because I could start thinking of a name, imagining what she'd look like when she's older etc. At that scan i also found out her measurements so I could sort of imagine whether she'd be a big or small girl. Before I knew the sex it was so hard to imagine anything about her because I didn't have a single detail to go on.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with extra tests and false alarms and vomiting and lockdown and crippling pgp etc. If I'd been forced indirectly by my MIL not to find out the sex of my own baby it would have added insult to literal injury.

But my MIL wouldn't do that because she's fab and very empathetic

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 26/04/2023 19:03

Errrrr!!!

Who made him God???

You go ahead op if you want to know! He can do what he chooses!

Why is he dictating to the woman carrying the baby?

You do what you want op just as he can

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 26/04/2023 19:06

Oh christ sorry just saw the mil interference!

Nope sod them mate it's your scan appointment and your right to know.

Personally I would find out snd then keep baiting your mil.

None of her business