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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do you decide whether to keep unplanned pregnancy?

47 replies

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 20:38

I'm 7 weeks+ pregnant. 39 so will be 40 when baby is born. Already have 3 dc and wasn't planning another.
Dh is over the moon that I'm pregnant but I have a termination booked for Friday.
I don't know what to do, I keep changing my mind.
We only have a 3 bed and 2 share already, dh works all the hours he can and we're not very well off and at 40 I imagine it will destroy what's left of my body.
Every time I think about it I feel different, sometimes I think we can do it, other times I think no I'm past all that now. Dc are 10, 7 and 5. Youngest also has additional needs and is very demanding.
I have to make a decision and I'm finding it so hard.

OP posts:

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Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 20:48

Anyone with any advice or perspective?

OP posts:

Maya34 · 16/04/2023 20:54

Congratulations on your pregnancy! If you husband is really happy with your pregnancy and will support you - I believe you can overcome difficulties! It is your desicion - but follow your heart. If you and your partner want this baby - just give it a chance☺️Anyway, wish you to make a right decision🙏🏻

Figgygal · 16/04/2023 20:58

It's not your age I'd be concerned about but the impact on your existing children, squeezed living standards and reduced opportunities for them, how will you house them? You mention your dp hours do you work? Single income with 4 children wouldn't be easy. How will your youngest cope? How may their needs change as they get older? What if this child also has additional needs?
Always put existing children first

Blaueblumen · 16/04/2023 21:01

I would 100% prioritise your existing children and would definitely not bring another child into the family, especially at your age!

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:04

I've only just gone back to work since the youngest started school, though this time I would have to look at going back asap.
We have 2 double bedrooms and one single so it would be a struggle, we'd have to fit 3 in one double bedroom or 2 in a single depending on sex.
We'd look at moving eventually but not immediately.

OP posts:

BrimFullOfAsher · 16/04/2023 21:07

Does your DH know you have an abortion booked?

If not, I feel this could cause more problems...

Blaueblumen · 16/04/2023 21:08

The new baby may have additional needs. I'm surprised you're even considering going through with this pregnancy tbh. Are you against abortion for religious reasons?

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:13

Yes I've thought about the other dc. It would stretch us.
Dh is trying to convince me he'll work more hours and we can do it but my practical head says we simply can't afford another and although it wasn't planned it's here and it's my last chance.
I don't feel too old but I am wondering if my body will be able to bounce back a 4th time, I worry about my pelvic floor which seems to have improved a little but I was temporarily unable to sneeze or cough for a while post partum, maybe if I was sure I wanted this one I wouldn't be thinking like this.
When I was expecting my planned dc I was so excited but this pregnancy I feel different, panic and uncertainty.

OP posts:

WeWereInParis · 16/04/2023 21:16

Blaueblumen · 16/04/2023 21:08

The new baby may have additional needs. I'm surprised you're even considering going through with this pregnancy tbh. Are you against abortion for religious reasons?

I agree with this when thinking about what I'd do in your circumstances.

But no one can make the decision for you - BPAS/Marie Stopes offer counselling I think. Maybe it would be helpful for you to talk it through with someone?

For me, I knew before the pregnancy test turned positive that I wouldn't be continuing with the pregnancy, and I was on the phone to BPAS within 10 mins. Which isn't to say I was blasé about it, I was just completely certain. But you don't sound certain, does your DH know you've booked an abortion? Is his positivity the only thing making you question it?

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:16

Dh does know I have it booked but he doesn't want me to go through with it, he doesn't agree with abortion personally although he says it's down to me what I do.

OP posts:

OhMyCherriePie · 16/04/2023 21:18

Personal choice. I wouldn't keep a baby now if I was pregnant

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:18

Is his positivity the only thing making you question it?
100% but then I also don't want to regret it and it was my last chance.

OP posts:

Allmyghosts · 16/04/2023 21:20

That's a tough decision. For me it would be my worst nightmare, playing snakes and ladders and getting a snake right to the bottom. I'm not pregnant though, oof poor you.

TheNachtzehrer · 16/04/2023 21:22

There are so many factors - solidity of relationship, money, needs of existing DC. If I found myself unexpectedly pregnant right now, I think I would go ahead with the pregnancy even though I previously felt "done" because I can afford it in terms of money, space, existing DC, and relationship. In your situation, though... I think I'd terminate, because there will be a clear negative effect on the DC that are already here and you already have one DC with additional needs who needs time and resources.

It's your choice though, and no one can make it for you.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/04/2023 21:23

If you can’t afford it, don’t do it. I wouldn’t risk plunging my family closer to the breadline and making more share rooms etc in your position.

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:23

Blaueblumen · 16/04/2023 21:08

The new baby may have additional needs. I'm surprised you're even considering going through with this pregnancy tbh. Are you against abortion for religious reasons?

The additional needs is also part of it, dd3 is hard work. I'm not religious, but I do feel guilt.

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 16/04/2023 21:25

For me I was 22 at Uni and just thought would I prefer to be 35 with a child and no career or 35 with a career but no child. And whether I was willing to go it alone as I don't think you can ever make that decision assuming you will be a couple even if you are married as accidents and illnesses happen. Turns out I had DD and then retrained into a career later.

Your situation is very different you are married, all ready have children etc. Instead of focusing on the money and space side of it Have you talked to your DH seriously about your concerns for your body and your age and family history making it more likely you'll have a child with additional needs and what that could mean for the family unit? If something happened to DH or you would the other parent manage 4 alone?

Beachywave · 16/04/2023 21:27

I have a five year old and a baby (plus teen) in a three bed house.

I also had to go back to work asap (10 weeks) due to financial struggles - honestly, it's hard. I'm a bit more 'shouty' than I was before and I cant do everything with 5yo I could before.

I love my baby dearly but life is a lot harder. (I'm mid 30s).

I've had a previous termination (after 5yo was born) as it was too soon for another - there's really no shame in it, do what's best for your family overall.

Original poster

abitsurprised · 16/04/2023 21:30

I've talked to dh about my body concerns, he says he'll love me regardless.
I do worry he will resent me if I go through with the termination even if he won't say so, but I'm going to be the main carer so it needs to be my decision.
There's also going to be a 6 year age gap between the youngest and baby once it's here.

OP posts:

valentinka31 · 16/04/2023 21:33

It's hard to advise you because it's such a personal decision. All I can say is that I had a baby at that age, and it was an absolute breeze, no physical issues, everything fine, but that's my experience. She was an amazing 40th birthday present! I also think that when you go into your 40s, you will be in a different ballgame hormonally and emotionally. It could be very much harder and sadder for you if you have regrets about having terminated a pregnancy.

My experience is also that while you worry, reasonably, now about space, money, and the pressures of another child, when you break down the practical challenges, they all sound possible to overcome/deal with. You said that at some point you will move to a bigger house, and your husband will work more to make sure there is security. If he really wants the baby, he will be motivated to make things work and support you as much as possible.

My feeling is that if you have the termination, it could be extremely sad for your husband and, possibly, you. If you have the baby, it will be harder work that not having it, but it sounds like together with your husband you could manage the practical side. I do think that it's nice to have a baby at 40, but that's just my feeling.

Summer2424 · 16/04/2023 21:37

Hi @abitsurprised i had my baby at 41 years old, it is possible to bounce back especially if you have a supportive partner.
All the best in your decision x

Proudmummy67 · 16/04/2023 22:47

Just from a different perspective, my mum had a surprise 4th baby when I was 14 and my siblings were 12 and 6. I guess it was really challenging at the time as we were all at different stages, wanting different types of attention and we had to share bedrooms etc. But now we are older, life with the 4 of us is great!!! I honestly wouldn't wish it to be any other way and it was one of the best things to happen! I think my point is, it won't be hard forever! And the situation doesn't stay the same forever. Kids eventually grow up and dynamics change and it could turn out to be a really positive thing for the future. I hope that makes sense!
But obviously go with your heart and do whats best for you and your family xx

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2023 22:53

He has no idea the impact of a pregnancy has on your body, it is very easy for him to be positive, but ultimately he gets away with nearly every hardship it creates.

No, I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy, so many reasons why, your children will be negatively impacted by the sounds of it, no space really, not a lot of money, big age gaps, less resources including time, especially your one with additional needs.
Our 3rd has SEN and is disabled, it was a big factor into deciding to not have more children, what if this one has even higher needs?
It wouldn't even be a question for me, sorry op.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 16/04/2023 22:54

Hi, I had two unplanned pregnancies. One when my DS2 was four months old, and another almost six years ago. With the former, I made the decision to terminate. I was not mentally well enough to cope with another child, it would have meant a house move that was not financially viable at the time and the circumstances weren’t likely to change any time soon. I’ve never regretted it though it was a difficult decision at the time. Second unplanned pregnancy is now a happy healthy five year old. My mental health was vastly improved. His next closest sibling was three years old so much more independent, we were financially in a much better position. I’ve never regretted continuing the pregnancy, nor even considered termination at that time.
In short I guess only you know whether the circumstances and timing is right for you. Not even your DH can make that decision for you (and I acknowledge that there are people who will always say, “it’s his baby too” - it is, but it’s your body).
Good luck OP, I hope you get some clarity around your feelings and choice x

Blaueblumen · 16/04/2023 22:57

Your 10 year old will soon become a hormonal teenager - you will want to be there for her. You may also become menopausal in the next few years - that can be tough in itself, but with three teena and a job it can be extremely tough for you

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