How do you decide whether to keep unplanned pregnancy?

[abitsurprised]

I'm 7 weeks+ pregnant. 39 so will be 40 when baby is born. Already have 3 dc and wasn't planning another.
Dh is over the moon that I'm pregnant but I have a termination booked for Friday.
I don't know what to do, I keep changing my mind.
We only have a 3 bed and 2 share already, dh works all the hours he can and we're not very well off and at 40 I imagine it will destroy what's left of my body.
Every time I think about it I feel different, sometimes I think we can do it, other times I think no I'm past all that now. Dc are 10, 7 and 5. Youngest also has additional needs and is very demanding.
I have to make a decision and I'm finding it so hard.

You should be prioritizing your existing children.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing abortion is tomorrow and I'm having a wobble.
I feel the guilt and I don't know if I'm making a mistake.

Nobody can tell you if you are doing the right thing or not but you.
I was in a difficult position in January and considered abortion. My first was an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago and the father left after I refused termination. Never regretted him a day in my life
I'm currently pregnant on my second with a man I'd only known for three months. he was extremely supportive and wanted the baby but I didn't initially. I didn't go through with the termination again because ultimately I could never regret a baby no matter how unplanned.
I hope you find peace in your decision whatever you decide

Hi OP, can’t tell you what to do but trust your instincts and whatever your gut is telling you to do. Must be so tough, really feel for you! Xx

You don't have to feel guilty about putting yourself and children that already exist above a cluster of cells.

I think abortion is so weirdly stigmatised. No one wants to think of themselves as a Person Who Has Had An Abortion, even though there are many excellent reasons you might not want to continue a pregnancy. But so many women have been in your shoes and many, many of them have made the choice to end the pregnancy and gone on to be happy and fine.

It is completely your choice and you can change your mind at any time beforehand if you want. But if this is your decision, you will almost certainly go on to be absolutely fine.

If you're in doubt don't do anything today, sounds like you need to speak to someone, counselling or something before making such a serious and permanent decision. I've read lots on here about women who had abortions eaten up with guilt and regret after. If in doubt I'd say don't do it, you want to be sure that the abortion isnt replacing and easing a temporary problem with long term life regret. Hope you're ok

When faced with an unplanned pregnancy it’s so difficult to have have a truly clear head about which decision is the right one. I obviously can’t tell you what will be right for you but I can tell you the this….

When your pregnant unexpectedly all the challenges and problems you know you may face seem so so big, so serious and impactful on you, your life and the children you have already it all feels like such an uphill battle. It’s incredibly daunting and confusing as there is no way to know if everything is going to be ok or not and that’s frightening it really is.

The fear of regret and guilt is huge, because when you live with that regret suddenly all the problems and challenges your were facing now seem solvable and somehow even more manageable, it’s a very cruel trick of nature and it leaves you feeling incredibly guilty. It’s also important to remember you could also feel none of those things and just find yourself incredibly relieved and able to breathe again. The big problem is, is there is no absolute sure way to know which of these you will feel, and it’s like standing on the edge of a cliff and being asked to jump without a parachute or safety net and having to just trust that you will be ok.

All you can do is trust in your gut that the decision is the right one for you and the one you feel you can most easily live with.

Good Luck for today whatever your decision 💐💐💐

I can only tell you what I did. I asked myself if I was financially, emotionally and physically able to raise a child.

Your DH should be supporting you in any decision you make. It's your life and your body op.

Luckily we live in a world where women don't have to be baby machines!

It's not his decision to make. He doesn't have to ruin his body, interrupt his career and put his mental health at great risk by having a child he doesn't want.

If you decide to go for it, you know what you are dealing with as you have 3 already. You will never regret it if once you have another child, as your love will kick in.

But. it's not a baby yet. Just a potential one. It's a collection of cells. The size of a bean.

Please make the right decision for you. Not for him. If he loves you he'll understand. Tell him how you feel.

Sending hugs x

I had one because of the impact on my dd , career and lifestyle. While I was a teeny bit sad I did not doubt the decision at all. I have no regrets a few years later. I felt zero joy at being pregnant when I was pregnant with dd I did feel joyful.

He has no idea the impact of a pregnancy has on your body, it is very easy for him to be positive, but ultimately he gets away with nearly every hardship it creates.
*
This!!*

You've really only given one reason for considering having a baby and that's your husband.

Please get some counselling op. It will help.

We only have a 3 bed and 2 share already, dh works all the hours he can and we're not very well off and at 40 I imagine it will destroy what's left of my body.

Congratulations, you have choices.

I'd be wanting to know what your DH means when he expresses delight and promised to work 'even harder' , given that you describe him as already working all the hours. That doesn't sound as if he has a very firm grip on the reality of parenting a fourth child, even before you factor in the risks of special and additional needs.

It sounds as if you already have a lovely family. Why would you stretch your (very finite) resources to cover another, unplanned addition?

What would be tbe benefit ?

My darkest fear would that your DH was keen to keep you away from making a career for yourself outside the home.

There would be no question in my mind what I would do in your place: I would be thanking providence that I had decent, legal and safe choices.

I do worry he will resent me if I go through with the termination

Your DH has expressed his opinion and left it as your choice. Do you really not trust that he really means what he says? Has he given you any reason to not trust what he says?

Okay, so I can't give you any advice in regard to the children and your age as I'm 30 with one dd who is 6 months old.
But if you have reservations about your other children and how they will be in regards to the family dynamic I can say that there are many years between my sisters and I. There's 6 years between me and my older sister and we have the most wonderful relationship, and always have had, she was obsessed with me when I was born and it hasn't really changed. And also my mother had me at 43. She did have a still born before me at 40, so I think she actively wanted another child to fill the space she had but she will forever say that I am the best thing that ever happened to her. And that by the time she had me she was so relaxed and enjoyed every moment with me because she was that much older and took everything in her stride.
I don't think your age or your other children should be a worry for you because I'm sure it would all work out just fine. But what you have to figure out is in your heart of hearts so you really want this baby.

Nobody can tell you if it’s the right thing. Try and put that guilt to one side for a minute, shove it in a tiny mental box while you think about the decision. Now do you want to have this baby? Is it right for you? Would having it be the right choice for your family? If the answers are no, then you are doing the right thing for you. You have to be able live with the guilt, but that’s better than living with a baby that you didn’t want. That guilt is about being a person who’s had an abortion, which is not a thing to feel guilt over, you haven’t harmed anyone or done (or are about to do) anything wrong.

If you aren’t sure wether or not you want a baby, do not go through with the termination tomorrow, speak to someone about it and take more time, be sure it’s what you want before you do it.

OP's reference to termination being tomorrow was made yesterday. So hopefully for OP it's done and she is feeling relief.

Hope it went well OP and wishing you a speedy recovery and freedom from regret and guilt. You made the best decision for you, and for you existing children. Hugs.

Ah I saw the update and missed that it was last night, sorry OP!

Just remember there is nothing to feel guilty about whatever decision you made OP. You’ve agonised over it and thought it all through and I’m sure you will have made the right decision for you 💐

Id you are not sure you shouldnt have it yet. You still have time to consider your options but would be awful if you later regreted it

I went to my appointment on Friday at 8 weeks but a scan showed it was probably a missed miscarriage.
She did another pregnancy test and it was positive.
I have an appointment at EPU tomorrow to make sure it's not ectopic but the lady at the abortion clinic said it most probably just didn't develop.

In a way I think this was the best outcome, I don't have to live with any guilt as it wasn't meant to be. Hopefully the nausea will subside soon.

But you may resent him if you don't go through with the termination

Probably wise to read the updates