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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Love life after childbirth - worried!

33 replies

Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:18

Amidst the constant worry about everything being ok with my baby I've managed to get myself completely worked up about giving birth. Not the labour (because it's a pain I can't imagine, having not given birth before) but the tearing (because it's a pain I can!), it seeems everyone tears pretty badly and this terrifies me.

Now I'm lying awake at night wondering how on earth my husband and I will ever enjoy making love after I've given birth. I know my husband loves me for me and not just how I look but I have quite a nice figure and it's that he talks about when we're having sex, not what a great personality I have . How is he going to find me attractive with a stretched vagina (we fit perfectly at the moment, and I haven't got any amazing tricks to keep him interested in bed, that's my only one!), saggy tummy and saggy breasts?! I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really believe anything will change. It's all I can think about now when we're having sex!

Sorry if this seems like the most shallow, pathetic thing to be concerned about.

OP posts:
Carey87 · 15/02/2008 09:29

I have had the same thing with my DP! He seems to think that I will turn into Kelly Brook and that we'll be back to doing it a few days after baby is born!!! Ha Ha! Fat chance!

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:29

Oh and I know everyone says that once you've got your baby it's so amazing that you wouldn't care if you split from ear to ear () but I want to care, IYSWIM.

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Celery · 15/02/2008 09:32

not everyone does tear though. Lots and lots of women don't tear at all.

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:32

Hi Carey, cross post! Glad you're experiencing the same problem (dh saw my copy of InStyle with Kelly Brook on the cover the other day, he's never heard of her - he's foreign - but was very impressed... while trying not to sound it!). DH is convinced that my breasts won't go down (and down more than they were before), thinks I'll be different...

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JingleyJen · 15/02/2008 09:33

I tore with both the boys (but not badly) a couple of stiches that healed before my 6 week check.
The reason I didn't have sex with dh until DS's were about 12 weeks old is because I was knackered. nothing to do with my girls bits.

Now - that said,... We went carefully and gently and the first couple of times we tried we didn't go all the way it was fun and like we were dating again and did lots of fiddling to get used to the idea.

I know plenty of women who have had vaginal births that did not tear or have stitches..

Good luck, I think the greatest thing with be tiredness.. try not to worry too much

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:34

Thanks Celery, I know that must be true and I'm trying to believe I'll be one of them, but all my friends (inc my mum have had third degree). And then it's everything else that goes kaput with the body!

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Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:35

Thanks JingleyJen, that cheered me up . The dating again bit sounds fun!

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EEC · 15/02/2008 09:35

It's not shallow - it's obviously a genuine concern.
Anyway, firstly, loads of people don't tear! It may well not happen to you. If you're worried about it it may be worth doing some perineal massage a few weeks before the birth, and also putting your concerns in your birth plan. Your midwife may be able to help slow things down a little to prevent tearing.
Secondly - I did tear pretty severely with Ds1, but didn't actually feel it in the chaos of everything else. Can't even remember the stitches. It was painful afterwards for a few weeks, but it did heal, and thigs are fine now. Pelvic floor excercises help with the healing and the muscles generally down there. It really isn't so very different afterwards.

I know what you mean aboot your DH. Honestly mine was the same, and used to say things like - 'when your slim again' etc. It really worried me as he has always been very focused on my appearance, but I can honestly say that as I have changed so has he. I did lose all my weight after DS and DD, but now 10 years later, I'm not the same as I once was, yet he still finds me attractive. It's you he finds attractive. That's the whole package. You'll still be you, pretty much the same actually.

Getting fit and thin again after childbirth is really possible, if it's importnant to you.

Daisymoo · 15/02/2008 09:39

Sorry, this is really quick because I should be doing other things. But basically things you can do to reduce likelihood of tearing are perineal massage, give birth in water, don't have an epidural, don't give birth lying down on the bed - try kneeling or on all-fours. HTH.

tiredandgrumpy · 15/02/2008 09:40

Your life is going to change so amazingly soon, that it's difficult to tell how anyone wil react. I'm sure your body will go back surprisingly well, even if not to exactly how it was before you had your baby. I reckon that your dh will be so in awe of what your body has done (ie created a baby and got it out somehow) that you will seem the ultimate in womanhood, no matter what shape you are in.

In my experience, it did take some time after both births to recover (first cs, second episiotomy & v large child) and we did have to take things gently. However, dh assures me I don't feel any different now.

Oh, and I can't tell you how lovely it is to be able to 'fit together' properly again without a bump in the way!

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:50

Thanks so much EEC, Daisymoo and Tiredandgrumpy.
Lol re 'fitting together' T&G, haven't got to the massive bump stage yet but when I do I'm sure I will be longing for that sort of fitting, channel wide vagina or not!

Daisymoo, thanks v much for tips, have heard about water births helping, will have to check with my local hospital. Live abroad and though it's v good, it's very much stuck in the 70s so I'm not sure they'll offer that (and I've heard the stories about floating poos !) Positioning and massage good tips too, thanks. My friend had an epidural and it didn't wear off in time so she tore really badly (had to have ventouse - which then broke - and then forceps) so if I can cope without it I'm determined to try.

Feeling a lot better after your stories EEC and Tiredandgrumpy, thank you.
EEC, nice to know you had the same with appearance-fixated husband, should give mine the benefit of the doubt too, out of bed he's always telling me it's me not my looks he loves so I guess I just have to trust that that transfers (or do a Carrie and always wear a bra in bed!). I'm doing my pelvic floor exercises as much as I can remember and will remember to put about the mw helping in my birthplan, didn't know you could do that. Thanks.
Tiredandgrumpy, am very happy with the idea of being the ultimate in womanhood, that is an excellent way of looking at it . Good to know your dh doesn't think you feel any different.

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Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 09:51

Oh and EEC, thanks for saying not shallow!

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AhhChewww · 15/02/2008 09:53

Try to focus on things you can take control of like prepering for your birth.

I second Daisymoo. I did all the things she listed and haven't got any tear at all.

oh and ante-natal yoga is very good for natural birth preperation.

you can also do pelvic floor exercises, use moisturises etc

good luck!

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2008 09:55

I have had three dd's...didn't have stitches with any (except first cos was csection!!)

My dp still loves me and finds me attractive and proposed whilst i was still two stone overweight! (after 11 years together).

Dn't worry - after your first you snap back like elastic!

sleepycat · 15/02/2008 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EEC · 15/02/2008 10:05

Taking arnica tablets after the birth. Doesn't stop tearing but does help with fast healing.

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 10:11

Thanks everyone!

Hmm, hoping for the elastic prophecy to come true! DDF

Have written down arnica tablets and raspberry leaf tea on my ever expanding list!

AhhChewww, no ante natal yoga near me but am doing pilates (with pregnancy exercises), seems quite a lot of them focus on pelvic floor, hope that's as good.

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chrissnow · 15/02/2008 10:21

Firstly you're not shallow. Your sex life got you this far and its an important part of your marriage.
Re: tears/stitches. Sometimes they happen sometimes they don't. Perineum massage with some oil to 'prepare' it is supposed to help. If you do need stitches I can really recommend lavender essential oil in your bath water (or even applied to the stitches in a carrier oil). It really helps healing and has a lovely calming effect for you and baby. They will heal and it may take a while for you to get back in the saddle as it were but just take it slowly.
Re: Body changes. Unfortunately more of a likelyhood there. Keep the old pelvic floor exercises going. Saggy bums, tums, stretchmarks etc . . . . well I have the most god awful stretch marks you have ever seen. It's been 18months and I'm still really sensitive about the state of my body. I have kind of avoided sex/being naked. My DH (not known for his talking) just lay next to me in bed last month and went into a huge speech. "I know you don;t find yourself very attractive these days, but believe me I still do. really really do. I love having sex with you for more reasons that just sex. I like being close to you. I understand how tired you are, because you put heart and soul into looking after the children and I respect that and think you do a fantastic job. If I do more and run you a bath etc will that help relax you a little more. And I know the big thing is your stretch marks, but I love every single one of them. They're part of my wife, who I love. Each one represents another week or day that you grew our children and I love you for it all." He then gave me a huge no strings cuddle and we snuggled up to sleep (when I'd finished blarting!!!) So there you go - men see these things a lot differently than we do. They seem shallow sometimes but deep down I think they appreciate what we go through.

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 10:37

Chrissnow - WOW! What a lovely, lovely dh, though from the sounds of it you are a wonderful mother/wife and therefore deserved that little speech! (And thanks for lavender tip, will stock up!)

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debinaustria · 15/02/2008 10:43

Oh Chrissnow - what a lovely dh you have - I know my dh thinks along the same lines but wouldn't out it into words like that

I remember coming home from hospital and it was so lovely to be able to cuddle up close without the bump and sex came later - quite a bit later!! But it was worth the wait.

He obviously isn't aware that if you're bfeeding you might be likely to squirt him with milk at the ultimate moment - maybe don't tell him that bit!!

e without that bup

debinaustria · 15/02/2008 10:43

oops - don't know what happened then , sorry

chrissnow · 15/02/2008 10:50

Yes he is a lovely dh Of course he has crapweasel days like the rest of them!!! Normally he wouldn't out it in words like that, which I think is what made it even more meaningful. I think most of them feel that way deep down though.

IndigoMoon · 15/02/2008 10:56

i am probably in better shape than i was before i had dd. lighter in weight def.

i tore both times but healed ok and i have no problems now.

Original poster
Shallow · 15/02/2008 11:07

Crapweasel days .

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chrissnow · 15/02/2008 11:19

I think its an apt expression. Not divorce or row worthy but not ideal. example. I had a v v v bad day last fri. DH arrived home with bunch of flowers box of chocolates and a hug. I was chuffed. An hour later he mumbles they include valentines and our anniversary though ergo crapweasel moment!!!! (I don't hold it against him as we are a bit broke to be spending money on each other at the mo and he made an effort)

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