Love life after childbirth - worried!

[Shallow]

Amidst the constant worry about everything being ok with my baby I've managed to get myself completely worked up about giving birth. Not the labour (because it's a pain I can't imagine, having not given birth before) but the tearing (because it's a pain I can!), it seeems everyone tears pretty badly and this terrifies me.

Now I'm lying awake at night wondering how on earth my husband and I will ever enjoy making love after I've given birth. I know my husband loves me for me and not just how I look but I have quite a nice figure and it's that he talks about when we're having sex, not what a great personality I have . How is he going to find me attractive with a stretched vagina (we fit perfectly at the moment, and I haven't got any amazing tricks to keep him interested in bed, that's my only one!), saggy tummy and saggy breasts?! I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really believe anything will change. It's all I can think about now when we're having sex!

Sorry if this seems like the most shallow, pathetic thing to be concerned about.

Second the lavendar oil in the bath - I used that after birth of dd2, and it was lovely. A good excuse to take some time out for yourself and have a lovely hot bath.
BTW, had my appendix out when heavily pregnant with DD2 so have enormous scar high up on my abdomen (they didn't know where my appendix was, so had to give themselves to room to manoeuvre round the baby). DH has never remarked on it, other than telling me there was no reason why I coudn't wear crop tops if i wanted to, it was other people's problem if they didn't like it.

Vagina stretching - it is true that the whole pelvic region feels... well, doesn't feel is more apt ime after birth. Do some gentle exercises, remember to do your pelvic floor exercises (you may not feel anything at first, but eventually you feel them working) and focus on the beautiful person that you and your dh have created.

I had ds 3 years ago. My body is not exactly as it was (though I am wearing the same size clothes), but it is pretty close - somehow a bit more womanly and less girlish iykwim. As for sex - our fit is pretty much the same as it was. I am sure there was some stretching, but I found things went back to pretty much the same as before with time (had episiotomy btw).

It is understandable to be concerned, having a baby does change your relationship, but in a lot of good ways too - although we tend to focus on the negatives. Best wishes!

I had to have an episiotomy with DS and rather a large one. Although this was incredibly sore for a few weeks afterwards (sorry!) we were having sex again (gently by about 5 - 6 weeks after the birth?

Even then things were definitely tight enough and they tightened up even more...to be honest we both think im tighter now than before lol - must have been good stitching ha ha. This was with me being useless and barely doing any pelvic floor exercises.

If everyone was, erm, saggy after childbirth there wouldnt be any second children would there as there wouldnt be enough friction for it to work, lol.

As for the rest of me...I breastfed for 15 months - went up to an E cup from a C and cant really say there is a lot of difference. I notice slightly but he still loves them! I could pretty much do the pencil test if i stood with my shoulders very straight back even with a D cup and that much breastfeeding!

My stomach. Hmmm thats different but thats purely because i didnt lose a stone of baby weight as im useless and couldnt be bothered to diet. It bothers me but doesnt bother him in the slightest!

Really I wouldnt worry. I was terrified about all of this but I think they are so happy to be actually getting some they dont care lol!!!
xxxx

Shallow It will be fine. My sex life actually improved between first and second child if that helps! I tore both times but mended fine both times and my dh has never noticed any difference. He's not exactly as fit as he was when we got married (he has a bit of a belly 'tho not much) so he can't really complain about me looking different! In any case I pretty much went back to normal after the first one (not immediately bu eventually) although don't have the stomach muscles now after 2 (and now pregnant with 3rd)
I would add it took me a while to get interested in sex after birth as I was just too bloody tired - but we got there in the end!

I too have an appearance-fixated DH, and I think that goes a long way to explaining why I've been unhappy with being pregnant again. I believe that to make him like me again I have to make comments about "looking forward to getting back to normal" etc. but he always agrees and suggests exercise ideas to get me back in chape .
He's barely touched me through pregnancy, doesn't even kiss me, just offers his cheek. I feel like the ugliest woman on earth right now and am scared about sex again, or even that he won't want me again.
Sorry, just realised I've wandered completely off your post subject.
I tore with DS, mended and things did get back to normal.

Had to tear myself away from MN for a while but thanks for all messages while away!

Thequiettone - really sorry to hear about your husband, that must be horrible for you. It seems that men are very divided, some love pregnant women, some are very turned off and it doesn't mean they don't love their wives etc. Still it makes me angry that he's being like that when you must be feeling so vulnerable .

Petitfilou - improved sex life after number 1 sounds great! But you're quiet about after number 2... . Should I stop at one?! However you're pregnant with no 3 so I'm hoping it was still good! Agree about their bodies changing too, mine's obsessed about his hairline receding so hopefully he'll be focusing on that instead. Just have to hope I don't lose lots of my own hair (like happened to my SIL when she stopped breastfeeding!).

Poledra - lol (ish!) about appendix. Had never even contemplated the idea of having to locate an appendix while bypassing a baby. Poor doctors and poor you!
Like the idea of getting some time out by having to have a lavendar bath. Think will keep quiet to dh if I don't tear!

Bluebutterfly - womanly sounds good! . V nice to hear you didn't think things changed so much.

Chrisnow - yes that sounds like a bit of a crapweasel moment (though still pretty sweet I have to say... I can't be angry with him after hearing of that speech!), my dh bit crapweasely too yesterday, he's gone downhill from La Perla u'wear on our first V day, to a card (but posted in advance so pretty impressive), to chocs bought on way home from office which he banned me from eating at least half of as they had liqueur in (he is obsessed with me not touching a drop!). The three I could eat were yum though!

Addictedtoharibo, yours was my favourite answer!!! Not much difference to breasts, tighter than before (can one put that in birthplan ) and stomach only there because you can't be arsed (not that I'll have the tiniest bit of discipline!) and hubby thinking you're fab anyway. Yay! V impressed by pencil test btw !

Shallow Yes it is still good, though not while I'm pregnant! Dh always goes off it while I'm pregnant - at least not once it becomes really obvious there is a little person moving about in there. You can't blame them really, it does get a bit like Alien!

Shallow - you prob will lose some hair anyway, but it's just the 'extra' stuff that you grow when pg, so not a scary going bald situation.

I was v frightened of tearing, more than the pain of contractions. I got away with a slight graze, no stitches . I had a v active labour, walking around/standing early on, then hands and knees as I got more tired, finally delivering sitting on DH's lap using him as an impromptu birth stool. I did do a bit of the old perineal massage beforehand too, on the grounds that it couldn't do any harm. Partly it was to reassure myself that I could stretch IYSWIM.

I'm about a stone lighter than when I got pg (was slightly overweight then), I put this down to lots of breastfeeding, and now chasing about after a lively and chunky toddler.

We resumed relations about 6 weeks after DS was born. It did feel different to start with, but now is as good, if not better than before. Sex prob isn't as frequent, but more due to knackeredness rather than my physical state. DS is 18 months now and we're trying for number 2...

Good luck with the birth