Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Google couldn’t answer this for me…

33 replies

Aedatr · 03/04/2023 19:37

I know that sometimes things don’t work out for us expecting mothers and our boyfriends/partners/husbands leave us during pregnancy. Mine has dumped me.

I gave him the news Tuesday. He was not happy and expressed he can’t be a dad. Next he was demanding an abortion. Then he’d apparently came around to the idea but then Saturday he got drunk and started being extremely unreasonable and broke up with me repeatedly, then again in the morning when he sobered up.

I searched Google trying to find the odds that he might change his mind and reconcile. I know men leave us when we’re pregnant sometimes but I wanted to know how common it is for men to have a change of heart and return to their pregnant partner. I found nothing on that…

I didn’t do anything wrong or to deserve this and in fact he was in the wrong. He was drunk, controlling and toxic. He screamed at me that we don’t work as a couple simply because he was being unreasonable and trying to control what I do and I said no. I couldn’t do what he was asking of me. He was being unfair.

I can’t help but fantasise that he will calm down and realise it is not me that’s the problem and his demands were unreasonable, his behaviour was unacceptable and the only reason we don’t “work” is because he is not behaving like someone capable of a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
HelloVeritas · 03/04/2023 19:41

He sounds revolting, surely you are now repulsed by him and want him as far away from you as possible?

PlumberProblems · 03/04/2023 19:45

Why would you even want him back?!

DelilahBucket · 03/04/2023 19:48

You have seen his true self. Really see those big warning signs and get out now. As to whether you decide to continue with your pregnancy, it's your decision. I personally wouldn't be able to tie myself to a man like this for at least the next 18-19 years.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 03/04/2023 19:49

Why do you want to get back with him?

He might not want to be a dad but it's happening and he doesn't like it. He's made that clear.

My ex left me while I was pregnant. I was upset about it to begin with and then realised I would be better off. I chose to stick with the pregnancy and got on with it.

You can't force anyone to stay with you.

twoundertwowho · 03/04/2023 19:50

There is no universe in which you should take this man back as your partner.

Original poster
Aedatr · 04/04/2023 06:18

twoundertwowho · 03/04/2023 19:50

There is no universe in which you should take this man back as your partner.

I hear all of you and your opinions are 100% the same as everyone else who has commented on this situation. I was so upset that he denied that behaviour was abusive and got angry at me that I actually posted a video on Facebook of him screaming at me and refusing to stop. I’ve had loads of messages and nobody has any doubt that he wasn’t being abusive. I’ve since deleted social media and I know I shouldn’t have posted anything at all but i found it deeply unfair that he walked off head held high, pretending he had done nothing wrong and that I am the problem. So I told everyone EVERYTHING.

The thing is I’m still pregnant and what I’d prefer is that he’s forced to take a look at himself and that he’ll sort himself out. Stop drinking and change that behaviour. Even if he doesn’t I’m still pregnant. What am I supposed to do? Never contact him again? Just move forward without attempting to involve him in any way?

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 04/04/2023 06:24

If he wants to be involved he will contact you himself. But he has made himself pretty clear. You need to stop wishing for what won't happen and start planning for what will.

Nothingbuttheglory · 04/04/2023 06:27

And do the Freedom Programme. Abusers don't change, because their world-view is so twisted that they believe they are in the right.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 04/04/2023 06:38

It is up to you what to do about your pregnancy, but please don't take him back, he's shown what an arsehole he is and it won't get any better!

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 06:43

OP, the chance of him coming back to you is above zero (who knows exactly), but the chance of him coming back to you AND making the changes you want (which basically involve him being a completely different person) are pretty much zero.

You need to make decisions about the pregnancy based on the fact you'll be a single mum.

PurBal · 04/04/2023 06:45

Really confused about what you did on FB. Shamed him? Didn’t this happen last week? How’ve you had the time? Anyway, not relevant.

Alcoholics don’t change. They can’t. You have to decide whether you’ll stand by him or not. But since he won’t stand by you I’d be strong for you and your baby.

SWeller93 · 04/04/2023 06:48

Oh hun, I'm so sorry that this is your reality right now❤️❤️❤️

My heart totally dropped when you said you'd been googling it, because I know and understand that feeling of wanting and feeling like you can change him if you had the right tools. I've been in your shoes, but fortunately not while I was pregnant.

The truth is, you can't change him. His behaviour will only escalate towards you once the reality sets in further that this pregnancy is happening. It's common for abusive partners (be it physically or emotionally) to get worse while their other half is pregnant, especially if the pregnancy is unwanted by the abuser.

Please don't take him back and please surround yourself with a supportive network of people who are nothing but overjoyed for you. Pregnancy is hard enough without someone who is supposed to be your comfort adding to that weight.

Please stay strong mamma, you can do this xoxox

Whataretheodds · 04/04/2023 06:52

What am I supposed to do? Never contact him again? Just move forward without attempting to involve him in any way?

Yes, exactly this. He isn't going to do a 180 on his behaviour.

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme.

If you are unsure about what to do eith the pregnancy then BPAS and MSI both offer counselling to help you decide.

Very best of luck

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 06:52

under no circumstances consider taking him back

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2023 06:55

The thing is I’m still pregnant and what I’d prefer is that he’s forced to take a look at himself and that he’ll sort himself out. Stop drinking and change that behaviour. Even if he doesn’t I’m still pregnant. What am I supposed to do?

Of course you’d prefer he sorts himself out - I assume he’s got some good qualities or you wouldn’t have been sleeping with him in the first place.

The hard part is that people with addictions find it hard to change, they never change for other people, only themselves, and they’re pretty selfish whilst they’re going through stuff. You are still pregnant but you do have choices if you’ve only just found out, and you should maybe have some counselling around what to do next, because you’re potentially bringing a child into the world with a father who doesn’t want them and is unstable and has abusive tendencies.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Awrite · 04/04/2023 06:57

He has done you a favour.

Have your baby, do not put him in the birth certificate. Give the baby your name. Do not look back.

Better he do this now than at any point in the future.

shutthewindownow · 04/04/2023 06:57

If Google had a brain it would tell you you are better off without this pig

UseOfWeapons · 04/04/2023 06:57

There is nothing in this man that is good for you, or good for your child. Is this toxic behaviour what you want for you newborn, and for yourself?
Do yourself the biggest favour. Do not bother with him, cut him out of your life, and await your baby. Contact CMS. You’ll be saving your sanity.

thegrain · 04/04/2023 06:59

He wants your baby dead. Why would you want anything to do with him

motheringfail · 04/04/2023 07:00

What am I supposed to do? Never contact him again? Just move forward without attempting to involve him in any way?

Yep

Original poster
Aedatr · 04/04/2023 07:26

He initially said he wanted me to have an abortion but changed his mind the next day and said he feels better about it. He told everyone he’s close to we’re having a baby and claimed to be optimistic about our future. Then he pulled this crap when drunk.

It all started when some guests congratulated me on the pregnancy and 20 minutes prior he denied they even knew about it. I was shocked. I rushed off inside to the kitchen, shaking and was attempting to make myself a coffee. I just needed to take a minute to calm and stop shaking.

He followed me in to the house and at first I thought he was being supportive. I asked him to let guests know I’m alright and not upset with them and that I’d be out in a minute once I’d had a breather and calmed down. That was when he started demanding I come out immediately. I said I’m shaking, I need to breathe (I do mindfulness and meditation for anxiety). He started yelling and arguing, telling me I’m not normal and trying to force me to come out, refusing to accept I needed the minute to calm. The more he shouted the more I was shaking.

The guests left because he was too busy screaming at me instead of just going and letting them know everything was alright and letting me steady myself, like a normal person would and had the audacity to suggest I’m the abnormal person here.

Anyway, I’m just sharing more because he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be part of the babies life, but another outburst like this later on and then next day too… pretending that I’m the one with a problem and bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 04/04/2023 07:27

Run! Actual good husbands often turn useless once the baby arrives so this one has no chance. Save yourself the grief, you've dodged a bullet

Shutte · 04/04/2023 07:48

He’s not going to magically change, just read all the threads on here about women expecting their partner to change when they have a baby.

Do you want your child growing up like him? Treating other people like he treats you? I think you’ve had a lucky escape. Why on earth would you want him back?

Gt1986 · 04/04/2023 08:04

OP, sorry to say this but if a man screams at you with guests around, I.e in more of a public setting, think of how he would be in a private setting plus with the addition of alcohol and a baby that will be unsettled.

This man is playing mind games with you. I don't want it, I do want it, I don't want it. It's a control technique as you will have a fear of when he will change his mind from the positive to the negative.

I had this with my ex husband. Luckily we did not have children together but his tactic used to be saying I would be a good mum, then switching to I would be a bad mum along with him saying I do want a baby with you, to I don't want one with you as you'll be a bad mum etc. It created such a fear within me that I was keen to keep the "good reactions". I was completely gaslighted and controlled until I left.

You can do much better for yourself and your baby on your own. You are stronger than you think, you just might not realise it yet.

Sending strength your way.

clpsmum · 04/04/2023 08:07

PlumberProblems · 03/04/2023 19:45

Why would you even want him back?!

This

Want better for your baby if not yourself