Partner drinking taking drugs and gaslighting me

[louise89babygirl]

So I've come here for an unbiased opinion although I'm 99% sure I know what everyone will say.. I guess it's just hearing it from an outside perspective.

My partner and I are expecting a baby I'm 7 months pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant he started drinking heavily and faking drugs. To the point he would pretend to be in work and didn't come home one night. I drove around till 3 In the morning looking for him and found him in some random party out of his head.

I packed his things told him to leave. He begged and promised me he was struggling and he would stop drinking and join AA. Promised me the sun moon and stars. Once he joined AA I let him come back. However 1 month later he changed his shifts and said he couldn't go anymore.

That's how my pregnancy started. Since then I've lost my job. My dad's started pallative care. I've been diagnosed with everything possible during the pregnant ( liver disease, gestational diabetes, ecoli ) and now I'm at high risk for pre eclampsia so I have been really struggling with my mental health and under the MH team.

Lately I've noticed my partner has been snappy and moody. He's been drinking a lot and pretending he hasn't. Taking coke and saying he isn't but I can tell. Basically gaslighting me in every single way possible. Didn't even go to work one day this week.

I messaged him telling him to stop gaslighting me and I can't handle it while I'm trying to keep calm with everything else going on and today on my birthday he went and did it again.

Told me he would be home early. Kept pushing it back later and later eventually rang him. He didn't answer the phone for the first 4 times then on the 5th he was out.of breath and I could tell he had ran back to his van and was lying. He was shouting and screaming at me that I'm disgusting for not believing him. Asked him to turn the camera around and he wasn't on a building site then said he walked 10 mins back to the van for a break. I knew the road looks identical.to a pub near his work mates houses. I knew he was lying so asked him to send me his location he said she would then put the phone down. Never replied and never came home.

I'm sick of it. I know deep down in my heart he's drinking again and taking cocaine and lying to me but the gaslighting is getting into my head. He owes me money. I'm so down and depressed I have no family around me but I do have friends.

Am I losing my marbles and being too strict with him or is it time for me to move away. I can't sleep or eat although I'm trying to cor the diabetes. I'm worried about my dad, my finances, the baby and I just can't deal with him.

My friends are sick of him doing this to me. They hate him. But I'm terrified of being on my own and going into labour. I'm so scared and anxious.

Any advice would be great

He is a loser and a waster. He will not make a good father.

You and your child deserve better than this.

You should move away, closer to friends.

Ask a friend to come with you for your labour so you're not alone.

I wouldn't even mention that you're leaving him, cos he will try to worm his way back. Cut your losses with the money he owes you (or go via a small claims court if you really need it) and just go.

He is never going to be the man you want him to be.

Leave. You don't need the extra stress and your friends are right

Thanks I needed fo hear that. His gaslighting was getting in my head and I know later it will be the same .... I didn't actually do anything but I didn't come home cause you accused me. His family condone what he does. I got told to consider myself lucky he only does it once a month cause her husband did it every night and so what if he does it I should just let him and get over it it's not the end of the world. So it's been making me feel like I'm unreasonable

OP I am so sorry you're going through all of this. It's so unfair on you at such a difficult time. Please please please get him out of your life immediately- he is behaving atrociously and most likely causing you more stress which won't be good for the baby or you.
The fact that he even shouts at you and lies to you is enough reason to leave: it's abuse. Do you want your child growing up in an environment where they see that as a relationship?! the drugs and alcohol of course are more reasons.
You gave him a chance before, he broke your trust again. Don't give him another.
Being a single parent is tough but in it's easier than being with someone who is unsupportive, causing you stress drama and chaos and a potential threat to you and your child. There's a thread on here of what it's like to be a single parent and so many people agree, it's better than being with an awful person.

Yes thank you. It's actually my flat that he lives in so I'll be telling him to go. I feel I'd rather be in debt to my gas and electric and water provider than be with him. I'm heartbroken for my little girl but I know she deserves better and I absoloutley will under no circumstances have her watching any man dip in and out of her life or think it's acceptable to be treated like that. I guess I'm just scared of people's reactions and doing it alone but I am also terrified every single week of him doing it again... I've just had enough now. The lies are the worst part. It's 7am and I've not even slept racking my brains as to where he is.. who he's with.. what's he taking... Is there another woman... Last time I was ringing hospitals police stations all his friends colleagues everyone cause I was worried I'm just more dissapointed I. Myself for giving him that second chance when I knew it would happen again.

Even if was not drinking, just the shouting, screaming and calling you disgusting is enough to end the relationship. It will be tough but you will be better off without him eventually.
Don't be too hard on yourself for having given him second chance. It can be hard leaving a toxic relationship, even more during pregnancy. Good luck 💙.

Yeah I've finally had a message at 730am saying he's at his Nana's house and that I'm horrible to him and he wishes he wasn't here because of me. His spelling is all over the place. He has clearly just got in. No apology just saying he doesn't want to be here cause how I treat him. I knew he would do this. Turn it all around and cry wolf

Think about how he's making you feel right now. Then think about him making your daughter feel the same way.

It will happen and it's time for you to protect your child. This is no way to live, and no way to bring up a baby. I'm sorry to say, but if you let him stay you're complicit in his awful behaviour and neglect. This won't get better - in fact, when the baby comes it's likely to get worse

This was me 12 years ago. Almost word for word. Don't do what I did and stay for another 2 years and have a second baby. Do it now. Best thing I did was leave

He sounds horrible! Addiction is a terrible thing and I have sympathy for that. However, you cannot expose your daughter and new baby to this behaviour. The shouting and name calling is totally unacceptable.

Start packing up his stuff and be ready when he finally returns.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with health in pregnancy aswell. At least when you end things with him, it will be one less concern keeping you up at night. Xx

Yes this is my main thing is that he will 100% get worse when the baby is here and the fact that he is already trying to blame it on me. I haven't even replied. I know I'm doing the right thing

Omg girl what are you doing with him and bringing a child into his world?? He’s not going to be a good daddy you must do this alone please don’t bring your beautiful innocent baby into this it will damage them for life iv done it alone before it’s not easy but my kids are much better people because of that. Please I promise you, once that baby is in your arms and you fall Inlove you will realise you did the right thing ditching him

This was me 14 years ago. With a second baby. I left and now have a completely different life.

It will be a relief once he's gone. I promise.

Kick him out and don’t look back. My father has addiction issues, mother kicked him out 2 months before I was born and she’s never regretted it and I’m thankful she did and took a stand for herself and us. We’d of had no life if he was around. I saw him odd weekends but knew what he was from a young age. Protect yourself and you baby and get rid. He will never change

I'm more concerned about your health, all this stress is very dangerous for you and baby. Please take care of yourself and try not to get upset, get your blood pressure checked and take any meds necessary. I really don't want to scare you but I lost my first during a very stressful time which was down to hypertension. I really think you'll be fine, get rid of this useless piece of shit. You're way way better than driving around looking for this man at 4am from parties as though he's a teenager.

Do you want a baby around that? Leave now before the baby comes, do not put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his name!

Look at it this way - it’ll you hadn’t given him a second chance then you would always have wondered if it would have worked. Now you know.
Right now you need to bear in mind that you can’t rely on him being sober when you are in labour, so better to prepare to labour without him.

Of course you should tell him not to come back and don’t put him on the BC

Hi. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Me and my partner split recently due to him being an addict (coke) and lying about it. We have a family and have just bought a house. I was scared too, really scared of being on my own and struggling it was so so painful.

The thing is you cannot sacrifice your own health, life, and your babies life for another person. Especially not one who puts himself first, clearly doesn’t respect or care or love you and your child.

My partner is a wonderful human being - who made a very stupid choice before he met me which affected his life forever and ultimately made him lose me, his family and his home. When his drug use got bad and he lost control of it (still unbeknown to me during the last 6 months of our relationship), I noticed he was staying out later, being weird with his phone, moody, his habits affected my sleep, I was anxious and my mental health crashed before me. He was a different person altogether, didn’t contribute towards the hills and I only found out why all this was happening when he got arrested on my birthday and it was a shock, but later all made a lot of sense. It was such a shame and so so sad as my relationship with him has been such a special time in my life (besides the last 6 months!) But drugs do not have place in my life and neither does someone who would do that to me. As long as someone is taking drugs you will NEVER come first. He will lie, because he will lie to himself.
He’s accepted my decision and he’s working on his sobriety away from me. And I am working on myself too, I’m seeing a counsellor and working on my boundaries and why I put everyone else before my own needs. It’s been 6 weeks but it’s been huge, I am sleeping, I am eating, my anxiety isn’t there anymore and I’m facing my pain which has been a challenge but wow, I am starting to appreciate my life and value my life and things are just blossoming around me. I have had more peace in my life than I’ve ever had and that’s huge.

Honestly OP, being a single mum is hard but you have your child and the love comes over any difficulty. It really does. Being away from this man you will see that everything, absolutely everything will flourish in your life. Face your pain and face your truth and you will find so much inner strength. Even if you tell yourself now it’s a temporary separation (I mean, what is just 6 months out of your whole life?? It’s nothing!). See how you feel as time goes on. Spend beautiful first moments with your baby. Get some counselling and get to the root cause of why you accept such behaviour from the people in your life. Why you put others before yourself.

If anything also, I’m guessing you have feelings and care for this man, and workout him feeling that loss of you and his child he WILL NOT change, because essentially by letting him in your life you are enabling his behaviour. His behaviour isn’t your fault, but the more you keep him around it’s like you are sending a subconscious message to him that his behaviour is acceptable. He will not change unless you change the story yourself.

Baby steps. You are a mum now, your child needs you. You need you. And there is someone out there who genuinely will love you to the moon and back who won’t be able to come in to your life unless you get rid of this man who will do nothing but ruin yours. You have a choice. I wish you all the best in your journey

Look after yourself OP.

I’m not sure where you’re located, but where I am there’s an amazing charity called “Daisy Programme” - I know you probably don’t think this is “domestic abuse” but the gaslighting, and behaviours are borderline and I was class this as mental abuse (I work in Safeguarding). It’s really tough to leave, it is, but you’ll smash it on your own. If you contact a DA charity near you, they will offer you amazing advice on how to keep yourself safe- as things may escalate once you tell him to leave (I’m not trying to frighten you, but prepare you) if anything does escalate you can contact your local council about a potential move. Please keep yourself safe, let you friends know what’s happening so they can also check in on you or stay with you. Drugs and alcohol combined can be a horrible mix, and completely alter someone’s personality.

Again- that’s not to scare you, but working within this realm for a long time I’ve seen lots of awful things.

Sending you lots of love x

Maybe he's struggling with coming to terms with parenthood and it's his way of coping. Difficult to get a measure of someone through a mn post.

Leave now. Trust me, you’ll be better off as a single parent in the long run. Any contact he has with the baby needs to be supervised. If he wants any more than that you need a court order and he needs hair strand testing for drugs and alcohol. Don’t compromise on your baby’s safety and stop running after him. You are a mum now, you have to get strong! You got this OP.

Seriously?! He's not had to do anything yet! What a ridiculous view point this sort of behaviour is not acceptable even without a pregnancy!

OP change the locks whilst he's out pack his things and tell him what time he can pick them up from outside your property. Call a friend to make sure your not alone.

As for labour ask a friend or relative to be on standby you and your baby deserve so much more then this.

You are ridiculous 💯

What's ridiculous is trying to justify/excuse this sort of behaviour by saying "struggling with parenthood" Are you a family member of this bloke?!