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Original poster

Mother in Law Advice :(

33 replies

RubyF30 · 31/03/2023 15:22

Mother In Law Advice - Need some advice on what to do.

It’s very clear my mother in law doesn’t like me. Fine.

I had a miscarriage few years back she never messaged once or called. Or visited us.

When it came to planning our wedding she wasn’t interested in anything, i included her in everything and invited her to everything she said no and said she didn’t want anything to do with it.

I’m currently 19 weeks pregnant and my mil is yet to ask me how I’m keeping. Yet to send a text, yet to show any interest. Now I know I shouldn’t be surprised by her actions due to past history. But it really Gets me down.

I’m including her in everything again as I will not be told she wasn’t involved.

I update her after every scan but she never replies.

We had our gender scan and she knew we were going. No message before it nothing. When we phoned her to tell her what we were having she wasn’t in the least bit interested. Her words were I don’t know If I want to tell your dad as it will ruin his day. She said she didn’t care what it was as she already has a grandson and granddaughter. It was thee most awkward conversation ever and I was heartbroken for my husband. Her reaction was a disgrace. It’s his first baby.

I am sick fed up of it all. I feel like every time
I got to speak about her to my partner it’s like he can’t see it. Although I do think he’s starting to see it. I’m so close to my family
And it really upsets me that she is like this. I find it so uncomfortable and I feel like I’m not good enough for her.

There was a family bereavement recently and I wasn’t allowed to be involved with any family things, group chats, I wasn’t to sit with the family at the funeral either. We’ve been together 15 years.

I’m done with the people pleasing, I’m done involving her for nothing in return. I’m at a loss of what to do. Help please .

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 31/03/2023 15:27

Focus on your relationship with your husband and slowly step away from your MIL. I've been married 8 yrs, together just under 20 yrs, and I never ring my MIL directly to tell her stuff - that's her son's/ my DH's job. I will remind me to ring her occasionally but it is his responsibility to maintain his relationship with his DM, not yours.
When you have kids, it is his responsibility to ensure that the kids get to see his parents.
However, I would focus on your own DH as it sounds like the curtain will soon fall from his eyes and he will need your support.

chesterelly1 · 31/03/2023 15:30

Well you either keep trying to include her and be rejected and disappointed every time or Stop. Drop the rope, don't make any effort at all, let DH make any contact, let him decide if he takes DC to see granny when the time comes. If she wants to make out she's being excluded by you so what, you reap what you sow.
Liberate yourself and concentrate on the other positive relationships in your life.

38andtrying · 31/03/2023 15:30

She sounds like a bitch lol I'd honestly stop trying with her, ball is in her court, don't try to please her anymore by including her, please yourself. Get your husband to be the point of contact going forward, its his mother let him deal with her, you've done your best and have way more to worry about atm, easier said than done I know.

Original poster
RubyF30 · 31/03/2023 15:30

@sillysmiles Thankyou for this I appreciate it. I think because my emotions are all over the place too. Pregnancy is difficult, I'm carrying her grandchild and she can't even ask how I am? I know that sounds so selfish. It's just a horrible situation. I have never done anything mean, we have never fallen out. We have lived in our house 7 years and she has visited 3 times. Our house is an open door to family and friends people don't need 'invited' and they know that. It makes me so sad for my husband.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 31/03/2023 15:32

Ignore it. She’s not interested in having a relationship with you. Her loss. She might be different once the baby is here. If not,again, her loss.

Concentrate on your pregnancy, your relationship and don’t worry about her. Allow your DC to manage his relationship with her going forward. Good luck.

sillysmiles · 31/03/2023 15:41

I'm carrying her grandchild and she can't even ask how I am? I know that sounds so selfish.
It's not that it sounds selfish, but honestly, she has shown you who she is. Even if she does care about you, she doesn't show it in the way you need so stop putting weight on her thoughts of you. She's never going to behave in the way you want/think is right so why invest so much emotionally in her.
She may like you perfectly fine, but just not show it in the way you want. She may not like you - that's allowed too - not everyone has to like everyone. But she is never going to be the gushing involved MIL you want.

CC4712 · 31/03/2023 15:42

Stop sending pics and updates- its her loss.

What did your partner say regarding the funeral and not being able to sit with them? Sounds like a MIL AND partner issue!

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/03/2023 15:44

Lower your expectations of your MIL to zero and stop bothering with her.

She has shown you what kind of person she is. Believe her. Don't waste any more of your energy with her and don't give her headroom.

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 15:45

What help do you need exactly?
Shes told you repeatedly she’s not interested, it’s her loss but you can’t force her to be the Grandmother you want and your child deserves.
Just leave her to it, if your DH wants to contact his mother he can

SpaceBunInstaHun · 31/03/2023 15:52

I'm NC with my MiL and I'd avoid that if possible, because here she's not actively intruding etc on your lives, just not adding anything positive to it.
Just stop bothering, if she comes around she does, if she doesn't, her loss.
Your family sound lovely and it's hard wanting your DC to have meaningful grandparent relationships but you can't force that. But they have a wonderful family with you.
Your mil sounds unpleasant, don't keep engaging with her, look after your own peace of mind.

Xjshdvf · 31/03/2023 15:55

That’s really sad but I think you need to step away emotionally; it doesn’t sound like it’s anything you’ve done, just the way she is and you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache by distancing yourself and accepting she isn’t the doting mother/grandmother

EstelleOrders · 31/03/2023 16:01

Why are you needing some sort of approval from her? It's her loss, I would not even bother keeping her up to date, you are your own person so congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy. Please only put effort into people who put the effort into you.

turtlemurtle1982 · 31/03/2023 16:04

Stop sending her pictures and updating her. She's obviously not interested. It's her issue not yours. What does her son say about it all?

SunshineAndFizz · 31/03/2023 16:06

Time to stop trying. She's not worth it - you'll never get anything back.

Don't worry about her saying she's being left out or whatever, I'm sure she's saying negative things about you guys now anyway so take the power back and stop communicating.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2023 16:07

Good grief, op, drop the rope. This woman doesn't give a fuck and neither should you. Never, ever, contact her in any way, ever again. Never see her again, for any reason. Your husband can do what he likes, but you should absolutely refuse to have them involved in any aspect of your life. I would tell your husband that for you, his family no longer exists.

fancyfrogs · 31/03/2023 16:09

Literally just stop bothering, you're wasting your time and clearly just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let your DH update her if he wants to

FairAcre · 31/03/2023 16:12

I was in a similar position and a therapist said to me 'she is never going to change or like you more so stop trying to please her' It shocked me but she was right. I backed off. Stopped getting in touch and came to terms with the fact that it was what it was. And actually I soon found that I stopped caring. It will be her loss. Focus on what you do have and not what you don't.

Chocolatesandroses · 31/03/2023 16:18

I know this is a different situation but my sister is exactly like this . She’s really toxic , will never ask how I am ,never interested if I tell her anything , never supports me , however wants me to listen to her problems and support her . Never sees my children or me unless I make the effort. Like you I tried so much and was completely people pleasing . One day I had enough it’s not gonna change , she wont change so I just decided not to bother anymore . In the end you will just be miserable I would suggest you just stop trying. Let your husband deal with her , if he wants her to know then he can tell her . Im afraid it’s not you it’s her and I can’t see it changing anytime soon .

Elieza · 31/03/2023 16:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Unfortunately it looks like your partners relationship with his parents is strained and he’s not had the guts to walk away from it.

Now youve seen for 15 years what it’s like. Im presuming it’s him they don’t get along with as opposed to you.

Either way I’d be telling him that you are done with them and if he has any sense he should be too.

I’d concentrate on him and the baby. Do not get in touch at all ever. Not even to announce the birth of DC.

There is no point in making the effort. For whatever reason they are twisted weird pricks that deserve no part of your love. They can fuck right off.

And if make sure the baby never gets near them either. They will twist his/her against you both.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2023 16:27

Here in Mexico we have a saying that only gold coins are loved by everyone

ExpatInSlavikLand · 31/03/2023 16:27

Is your husband his mother's/parents' least favourite child, perchance?

Markasread · 31/03/2023 16:29

Why do you think she's like this?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 31/03/2023 16:32

Stop making any effort op. Your dh can manage his own relationship with her.
My mil was similar.. Haven't seen her for over 8 years.. Dh the same. No loss. Whatsoever.

ForestofD · 31/03/2023 16:44

Why are you so invested in her liking you? I mean this in a nice way.

You have a loving family, you sound happy with OH and a beloved baby on the way.

Why is it so important that she likes you? Because if she starts treating your child the same way as she treats you, then you need to be ready to tell her to back off.

Really, it's her loss. It sounds like you have a nice little family unit on the way. Let her get on with it.

BackOfTheMum5net · 31/03/2023 16:45

You need to keep your energy and your effort for growing a human and not waste any more time or thought on this person who clearly isn't worth it. Leave it to your partner to maintain the relationship; I think you've done all that you can.