Mother in Law Advice :(

[RubyF30]

Mother In Law Advice - Need some advice on what to do.

It’s very clear my mother in law doesn’t like me. Fine.

I had a miscarriage few years back she never messaged once or called. Or visited us.

When it came to planning our wedding she wasn’t interested in anything, i included her in everything and invited her to everything she said no and said she didn’t want anything to do with it.

I’m currently 19 weeks pregnant and my mil is yet to ask me how I’m keeping. Yet to send a text, yet to show any interest. Now I know I shouldn’t be surprised by her actions due to past history. But it really Gets me down.

I’m including her in everything again as I will not be told she wasn’t involved.

I update her after every scan but she never replies.

We had our gender scan and she knew we were going. No message before it nothing. When we phoned her to tell her what we were having she wasn’t in the least bit interested. Her words were I don’t know If I want to tell your dad as it will ruin his day. She said she didn’t care what it was as she already has a grandson and granddaughter. It was thee most awkward conversation ever and I was heartbroken for my husband. Her reaction was a disgrace. It’s his first baby.

I am sick fed up of it all. I feel like every time
I got to speak about her to my partner it’s like he can’t see it. Although I do think he’s starting to see it. I’m so close to my family
And it really upsets me that she is like this. I find it so uncomfortable and I feel like I’m not good enough for her.

There was a family bereavement recently and I wasn’t allowed to be involved with any family things, group chats, I wasn’t to sit with the family at the funeral either. We’ve been together 15 years.

I’m done with the people pleasing, I’m done involving her for nothing in return. I’m at a loss of what to do. Help please .

I’d echo what pp have said and not bother anymore - you’ve tried hard enough. Also do not let her spoil your baby’s birth and early weeks by expecting her to be different or going out of your way to try and please her. This is about you and your partner and your baby. I found with relatives like this it’s easier to expect the worst - maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised but at least you won’t be disappointed x

You want her to like you. She doesn't fit whatever reason.
Stop telling her everything and inviting her to stuff.
Go low contact. Focus on the people who do care. You are wasting your energy on this person who doesn't care about you. Ask yourself why you are doing this.

You've said that you have a loving family and so it seems utterly strange that she has chosen to reject you, your DH and your unborn baby.

But she has repeatedly over the last 15 years shown you exactly what she is like.

It hurts to be rejected but I think you are still confusing her with your own family and that is why it feels so devastating. You are upset that your DH is not getting the love you had from your family. But it won't happen, people like your MIL don't change. Stop expecting it. You, your family and your new baby can demonstrate your love and caring to your DH>

As a previous poster said you have to drastically lower your expectations of this woman. She was a shit mother, a shit MIL and will probably be a shit GM. Don't expect anything of her - its self protection.

I’m including her in everything again as I will not be told she wasn’t involved...I update her after every scan but she never replies... She said she didn’t care what it was as she already has a grandson and granddaughter.

Literally STOP DOING THIS. She doesn't care and has demonstrated she doesn't care. Stop involving her. She is punishing you for whatever is in her own head and she just loves ignoring your updates because she knows it gets to you. Don't let this woman live rent-free in your head. If she says she's not involved just say "Yes. Correct. You've shown me at every opportunity that you are not interested. What involvement are you looking for exactly?"

You have your own family unit. If she doesn't want to be part of it - you've given her every chance. Take a giant step back, stop the updates and focus on your DH. And do this before the baby comes. YOu have to stop thinking what a perfect MIL would do, and just accept that she will never be that person. You said her behaviour was a disgrace... but you can't change that, so stop paying her so much attention.

Ignore her and don't send her any more communications. She's not interested and every time you reach out and get nothing back, you feel hurt and disappointed.
Just protect yourself from that by not reaching out in the first place.
Focus on your husband and other family and friends.

But it really Gets me down. - honestly, just don't let it.

Different families function in different ways. My parents always wanted to be very closely involved in everything; my OH's parents weren't even passingly interested in anything at all.

We used to trek off down the motorway to see OH's parents and they sometimes fed us, always fell asleep and insisted our small children should be silent and not disturb them (!) and generally took no interest at all. In the end I said they could some to see us, but I was not going to waste any more of my life trekking down there. They never sent birthday or Christmas cards/presents to the children except for one occasion when we happened to be down there and MIL handed my small DD a shop paper bag with a card in it cellophane inside and said: "I haven't written in it, I thought you could do that yourself!"

Honestly I never ever let it get me down - I just thought they were a pair of prats and had as little to do with them as I could. I certainly couldn't be arsed to take it personally!

Just detach yourself emotionally from it - and physically too within the bounds of reasonable good manners. Let your OH deal with them - or ignore them as he chooses.

You are trying too hard - stop bothering with that!

Hope pregnancy goes well. x

Her loss. (Though in all honesty if you’re having a straightforward pregnancy what is there to update and chat about?) Count your blessings: you’re not going to have to set boundaries around your labour, or visitors on the ward, or visitors in the first few weeks when you’re a big milky leaky mess; no excess bin bags of tat to deal with every Christmas and birthday; no interfering on the sleep or the weaning or the whatever. You’re free! Just stop doing your bit of the “pick me” dance and stop updating her. She doesn’t care. Your baby will have other people to love them, they don’t have to be blood relatives.

She couldn't have made it clearer that she's not interested so just stop trying.
Think this is your issue now more then hers because you seem determined to force something that's not there.
You need to for your own health forget about her. Concentrate on the people who matter- she is not one of them! X

I also have a narcissist bitch of a MIL who only thinks of herself, never asks after me and didn’t seem interest in our wedding plans. I’ve purposely distanced myself from her and you should do the same. I don’t want her close to us and I don’t want her interfering with our future children. I told my DH he is responsible for communicating with her and can go see her on his own if he wants to. Let go, forget and enjoy your freedom without in laws!