Husband making me sacrifice baby shower so his ex can celebrate mother's day. Am I being unreasonable?

[Justanewmumtobe]

As the title says...
So I was hesitant on a baby shower as I know people think they are grabby. Also felt worried about celebrating anything before birth.

My friends insisted and I started to feel excited about having one especially as I haven't had an easy pregnancy and obviously my husband has seen that more than anyone.

So I'm due end of April and finally thought 18th March will be a good day for the shower. I have two young step children who couldn't come to our wedding and of course I would love them to be at the shower. I even wanted them to do a gender reveal and just be involved as much as possible to feel included. My husband has however given that weekend to the mum without realising. When I asked him to change it back, he said it would be difficult as the mother will not be happy etc. I know it's not ideal but I was hoping he would at least ask and tbh I don't think she would disagree. I can't do it any sooner as in order for the kids to be there...that would only leave 1 week to plan. I'm also Muslim and so are half my friends so I can't do it after the 18th as a lot of them will be fasting .

I'm just really upset with him that he kept insisting that he can't change it because it's mother's day and essentially said I have to give it up. He claims he's sorry about it but if one of us has to make the sacrifice, he seems to think it should be me. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that's really unfair? It's my first baby and I feel like she could delay her mother's day celebration on this occasion. It's not like I'm saying that there is another date I can do it but refuse to just to be difficult. It's just the only weekend it can really be done.
I am really upset and not sure if it's just the hormones but don't see why he doesn't get why this is more important imo?

I'm not sure why it can't be arranged that the baby shower is on Saturday and the kids can be returned to their mum on the Saturday night, so with her for Mother's Day.

If it's a case of she has them all weekend or not at all, considering it's her weekend and it's Mother's Day I'd agree that you'd be unreasonable to expect them to prioritise your baby shower.

So either you have it without the kids or not at all? You don't sound particularly interested in a baby shower anyway, and I'm wondering if what's really upsetting you is that you feel like you aren't the priority?

It also sounds from your posts that the mother of your step kids isn't dealing with your relationship well, so maybe your husband is sensitive to this. Asking her to give up the kids over Mother's Day/that weekend could throw a spanner in the works!

Depending on their split maybe your husband is trying to be a bit sensitive to her feelings of him having a baby with someone else and having the baby shower over Mother’s Day weekend is lovely for you but maybe he thinks it would be hard on her having her children at the baby shower for his baby on Mother’s Day weekend. It’s probably a hard ask of him to go back to her to ask this. Things like this can be difficult for split families and things won’t always go your way every time I’m afraid. My ex husband and I split when our daughter was 1 we have to compromise and don’t get what we want all the time.

Maybe he thinks they would prefer to be with their mum that weekend.

Trust me children don’t worry about missing an event for long. My daughter has had to miss the odd party and after the initial disappointment she’s fine. I think a lot of this is more how you’re feeling and I do agree with you that it should be fine for them to come to the baby shower Saturday and their mums for Mother’s Day Sunday other people’s thoughts and feeling matter too.

I don't think I am making a mountain but wish I didn't really post this thread now because these responses are making me feel a bit rubbish.

Yes they are close to my friends kids and my niece's who will have to be there because their mum's won't have anyone to leave the kids with. They will find out from the other kids. They also missed out on the wedding and it broke my heart to see that they were gutteD and clearly felt excluded. They do care about this because they specifically asked and have been talking about it. Of course I wouldn't broadcast it or make a fuss about it in front of them but they're not stupid and they are my stepdaughters but I know them well enough to know how they'd react and feel.

I can't do it on the weekday with the kids because I only see them every other weekend and incidentally even less than that this month since my husband offered that mother's Day weekend to their mum. If their mum won't let them come on the Saturday then it seems very unlikely shed let them come on a school day (they also live quite far so not sure how we'd collect them after school and have an eveng in time before they'd go to bed)

Anyway I'm not going to make a 'mountain' of it. I just won't have one. It is what it is.

I understand. I don't want her to be upset about them attending a baby shower on mother's Day weekend. I know it's not ideal but as I said I just can't do another weekend. I've not really had my way about much or asked for much so I guess this time I was hoping I could but I don't want her to be upset so I'll just leave it. The baby alone will be a celebration and blessing

@Justanewmumtobe I totally get you’re disappointed and it really is lovely you want them there so badly. It’s a sign of a fantastic step mum! Neither me or her dad are remarried yet (I’m engaged) but both of our partners are like step parents to my daughter and it’s so important to me that her dads partner treats her like her own when she’s with them. Children are very in tune with things. They will know how you love them and the best thing is for children to have as much love as possible. Make a big fuss of how you want them to be one of the first to meet baby etc. My partner will bring my daughter to collect me and our baby from the hospital and have tasked her to look after the baby on the drive home. Being involved with the baby will make them feel more special than a party I promise.

@allgoodthings84 this is a lovely response and I completely agree with you that OP sounds like a fantastic Step-Mum and whenever Hubby's ex is more able to get on board with everything that's going on I'm sure she'll really appreciate another woman in her girls' lives who cares so much and treats them so well.

@Justanewmumtobe please don't feel bad. You're perfectly entitled to want a special event and to feel down about it not happening. Unfortunately I think your initial posts were a bit misinterpreted/taken out of context but it's very clear where you're coming from and why this matters to you so much. Really sorry for you that it's looking like it might be too difficult to arrange in time. Maybe have one last go at explaining to Hubby why you'd so love the girls there and ask if there is any way he might ask his ex if you could have them for a few hours on the Sat. But I guess if he just really feels awkward about it then you may have to pass on this particular occasion. Maybe you could plan a lovely 'meet the baby' party instead. Big hugs! Go easy on yourself! Remember you're also contending with pregnancy hormones as well as everything else. Xx

Thank you. She does seem like a person I would actually get along with and like- I can see she's raised her kids so well and is a great mother who is generally trying to not be bitter about her ex moving on or putting ideas into her children's heads about me (as they've never said anything to me that could have come from her) and I do respect that and hope one day we can have a good relationship.

I do feel quite down about it. I spoke to him a few times and think it's quite clear he can't see the point of asking her if we can have them on the Sat and take them back in the evening. He has seen that I'm upset but seems to have accepted that he doesn't want to ask her and I am not going to bother pushing for it as maybe he knows best - and judging from this thread, maybe I just don't get how much I am asking of her by doing that.

The emotional downs I've felt this week have been the worst since I've been pregnant! Felt so upset but think it's the hormones maybe more than just this situation. Just feel a bit overwhelmed as I've had really bad sickness, anemia, basically every symptom and never had that 2nd trimester energy boost or respite that some leople have and ifs all getting too much! If I feel up to it I might do a baby welcoming party thing but ATM I just feel like I've just been put off ever trying to do any thing like that for myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic about it all but I'm just normally not a fussy type of person - almost never do anything for my birthday, valentine's etc wedding was super small and non fussy. And the one time I felt like doing something my way it feels like too much stress!

Yeah you are right. My step daughters are lovely and I think that even if I had a party without them, they would hopefully see that it doesn't mean I love them any less even if it would sting initially. I think despite that I'd still just rather not have one if they can't be there as that was a big reason for me to have one. I think I wanted it for them more than myself so I will give it up and instead try to make them feel special in other ways. Thinking I might organise to do my baby shopping with them and will definitely give them tasks when baby is born... Not sure how much they can be involved in labour as will just be down to whether it is a weekend and that they are there by luck or not! Anyway thanks for your post it made me feel better!

Yeah I think you might be right that the priority thing could be a part of it. I was looking forward to having a baby shower though at this point. But I guess I just felt like I'm not a priority in general (not just between myself and his ex).

It wasn't her weekend to begin with, he just offered it himself and now doesn't want to go back on himself. But it's okay, I'll come to terms with not having one.