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Original poster

Husband making me sacrifice baby shower so his ex can celebrate mother's day. Am I being unreasonable?

34 replies

Justanewmumtobe · 24/02/2023 21:24

As the title says...
So I was hesitant on a baby shower as I know people think they are grabby. Also felt worried about celebrating anything before birth.

My friends insisted and I started to feel excited about having one especially as I haven't had an easy pregnancy and obviously my husband has seen that more than anyone.

So I'm due end of April and finally thought 18th March will be a good day for the shower. I have two young step children who couldn't come to our wedding and of course I would love them to be at the shower. I even wanted them to do a gender reveal and just be involved as much as possible to feel included. My husband has however given that weekend to the mum without realising. When I asked him to change it back, he said it would be difficult as the mother will not be happy etc. I know it's not ideal but I was hoping he would at least ask and tbh I don't think she would disagree. I can't do it any sooner as in order for the kids to be there...that would only leave 1 week to plan. I'm also Muslim and so are half my friends so I can't do it after the 18th as a lot of them will be fasting .

I'm just really upset with him that he kept insisting that he can't change it because it's mother's day and essentially said I have to give it up. He claims he's sorry about it but if one of us has to make the sacrifice, he seems to think it should be me. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that's really unfair? It's my first baby and I feel like she could delay her mother's day celebration on this occasion. It's not like I'm saying that there is another date I can do it but refuse to just to be difficult. It's just the only weekend it can really be done.
I am really upset and not sure if it's just the hormones but don't see why he doesn't get why this is more important imo?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 24/02/2023 21:26

Justanewmumtobe · 24/02/2023 21:24

As the title says...
So I was hesitant on a baby shower as I know people think they are grabby. Also felt worried about celebrating anything before birth.

My friends insisted and I started to feel excited about having one especially as I haven't had an easy pregnancy and obviously my husband has seen that more than anyone.

So I'm due end of April and finally thought 18th March will be a good day for the shower. I have two young step children who couldn't come to our wedding and of course I would love them to be at the shower. I even wanted them to do a gender reveal and just be involved as much as possible to feel included. My husband has however given that weekend to the mum without realising. When I asked him to change it back, he said it would be difficult as the mother will not be happy etc. I know it's not ideal but I was hoping he would at least ask and tbh I don't think she would disagree. I can't do it any sooner as in order for the kids to be there...that would only leave 1 week to plan. I'm also Muslim and so are half my friends so I can't do it after the 18th as a lot of them will be fasting .

I'm just really upset with him that he kept insisting that he can't change it because it's mother's day and essentially said I have to give it up. He claims he's sorry about it but if one of us has to make the sacrifice, he seems to think it should be me. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that's really unfair? It's my first baby and I feel like she could delay her mother's day celebration on this occasion. It's not like I'm saying that there is another date I can do it but refuse to just to be difficult. It's just the only weekend it can really be done.
I am really upset and not sure if it's just the hormones but don't see why he doesn't get why this is more important imo?

Also I wouldn't do it without the kids as I would feel too guilty excluding them from something that is a celebration of their own sibling. Makes it feel like they're not a part of the 'new' family and I know they'd feel left out as they were excited by the idea of it.

OP posts:
Chanteuse · 24/02/2023 21:54

I think you are being unreasonable in this situation, sorry! She should be able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her children. Do a separate gender reveal with the step children when they are with you guys next.

Twoinapod · 24/02/2023 21:56

In the nicest way I think you are being unreasonable. It’s Mother’s Day, the children should be with the mother. You can’t change Mother’s Day, you can however change the shower date.

I would be gutted if DD dad tried to tell me I couldn’t spend Mother’s Day with my child.

elleh2023 · 24/02/2023 22:08

I'm sorry but yes I would say your being unreasonable. She should get to have her children on Mother's Day, maybe do something else with the kids another day to make them feel included and special

allgoodthings84 · 24/02/2023 22:20

I agree with the others. She is their mother and will want to spend Mother’s Day with them. If you would like the step children there then I would change the date of the baby shower and not include food if your friends are fasting. I personally think Mother’s Day is more important to a mother than someone else’s baby shower, sorry. I’m not with my ex husband any more (my daughters dad) and whenever Mother’s Day or Father’s Day falls on the others weekend it doesn’t matter she spends it with me on Mother’s Day and her dad on Father’s Day.

every baby shower I’ve ever been to have been adult females only. Only been to 3 though as hardly any of my friends or family have had one.

Nik84 · 24/02/2023 22:26

I think you are being unreasonable, the kids should be with their mum for Mother’s Day and they would probably rather spend the day with their mum over a baby shower anyway.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 24/02/2023 23:39

It's mothers day so they should be with their mum, but it doesn't mean you can't still have a baby shower with your friends. Have your baby shower celebrating your pregnancy with your friends, have a seperate special one with the kids another time.

SnookyPook · 24/02/2023 23:46

I have to say that I agree with the general consensus. Children should be with their Mum on Mother's Day. I also agree that baby showers as far as I've always known have been the Mum and her adult female friends. In your situation I think I would compromise - do the shower with your friends on Mother's Day and then do a separate celebration event with your stepchildren when you have them - you could save gender reveal for that and make cute cupcakes etc so it feels special to them.

I'm a stepmother as well as a mother and I would never expect my DSD to be with me over her bio Mum on Mother's Day. I'd also be quite upset to not be able to spend the day with my DS. I know its a bit commercial etc but.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:10

Chanteuse · 24/02/2023 21:54

I think you are being unreasonable in this situation, sorry! She should be able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her children. Do a separate gender reveal with the step children when they are with you guys next.

I can't do it another day. They come every other weekend only . And as I said it's Ramadan the month after /my due date so not possible then. I fee like everyone's missed that on my post :(

I would change the date if I could

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:11

SnookyPook · 24/02/2023 23:46

I have to say that I agree with the general consensus. Children should be with their Mum on Mother's Day. I also agree that baby showers as far as I've always known have been the Mum and her adult female friends. In your situation I think I would compromise - do the shower with your friends on Mother's Day and then do a separate celebration event with your stepchildren when you have them - you could save gender reveal for that and make cute cupcakes etc so it feels special to them.

I'm a stepmother as well as a mother and I would never expect my DSD to be with me over her bio Mum on Mother's Day. I'd also be quite upset to not be able to spend the day with my DS. I know its a bit commercial etc but.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can't do another date though unless it's after the baby is born ... Otherwise I'd change the date and of course wwnt them to be with their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:13

SnookyPook · 24/02/2023 23:46

I have to say that I agree with the general consensus. Children should be with their Mum on Mother's Day. I also agree that baby showers as far as I've always known have been the Mum and her adult female friends. In your situation I think I would compromise - do the shower with your friends on Mother's Day and then do a separate celebration event with your stepchildren when you have them - you could save gender reveal for that and make cute cupcakes etc so it feels special to them.

I'm a stepmother as well as a mother and I would never expect my DSD to be with me over her bio Mum on Mother's Day. I'd also be quite upset to not be able to spend the day with my DS. I know its a bit commercial etc but.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So there won't be another possible date to do it. Let alone to do two separate events!

Also I won't be doing it on Mother's day but on the weekend of mothers day so if she really wanted then they could go back for Mother's day and I do the shower the day before. But my husband won't even bother suggesting that

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:15

Won't be able to do that unless I celebrate them again after the birth of the baby... Which won't be the same and will obviously incur costs. They want to be there when their cousins and family will be there

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:18

I would let them go home on the morning of mothers day or even the evening of the baby shower which would be the day before on the 18th but my husband won't even ask her if that can happen. Just expects me to give up the whole thing and let her have the whole weekend.

OP posts:
SnookyPook · 25/02/2023 00:22

If that's really the only feasible weekend between now and pre due-date then doing it on the Saturday and returning kids to their Mum on Sat night sounds a reasonable compromise. Are you ever there at handovers etc? Do you have a vaguely positive relationship with your husband's ex? Could you say to her that you really don't want the kids missing out and if you get them back to her for Mother's Day would she mind letting them come to you on the Sat? I do have some sympathy for your hubby not wanting to rock the boat - especially if their relationship is a bit volatile/precarious, however I also think he should be really pleased with you wanting to include the kids so much and be a big happy family!

Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 00:29

SnookyPook · 25/02/2023 00:22

If that's really the only feasible weekend between now and pre due-date then doing it on the Saturday and returning kids to their Mum on Sat night sounds a reasonable compromise. Are you ever there at handovers etc? Do you have a vaguely positive relationship with your husband's ex? Could you say to her that you really don't want the kids missing out and if you get them back to her for Mother's Day would she mind letting them come to you on the Sat? I do have some sympathy for your hubby not wanting to rock the boat - especially if their relationship is a bit volatile/precarious, however I also think he should be really pleased with you wanting to include the kids so much and be a big happy family!

Yeah I don't mind them going back at all for mother's day. We have been reasonable to her when she's asked to change the dates for other things like play dates she had organised. We only got married recently and she didn't seem to want to talk to me. I bumped into her only twice in the last year and she has been polite and civil and of course so was I. She's also raised her kids really well and I have a lot of respect for her so hope we can have some kind of relationship one day but understand it might be awkward for her for now so I don't attend handovers and won't be able to ask her that myself. Will have to be him but he doesn't even seem to think it's even important enough to ask.

OP posts:
breakfastbagel · 25/02/2023 04:56

Baby showers are for female friends and family not for young boys? Forget about including them and have a nice day!

MinBins · 25/02/2023 08:09

Could you do it in evening during the week after and share food, like an iftar dinner? I think with kids it might not be a big deal that they're there, so go ahead on that weekend it's a friend thing right? Best of luck either way!

Nik84 · 25/02/2023 08:32

I think it would benefit you to build some sort of relationship with your step children’s mum. I would want to know the woman who was looking after my kids. Perhaps reach out to her yourself and have a chat about the baby shower. It seems reasonable for you to ask to have them on Saturday and take them back to mums in the evening, unless they’ve planned a weekend away or something.

Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 09:31

Nik84 · 25/02/2023 08:32

I think it would benefit you to build some sort of relationship with your step children’s mum. I would want to know the woman who was looking after my kids. Perhaps reach out to her yourself and have a chat about the baby shower. It seems reasonable for you to ask to have them on Saturday and take them back to mums in the evening, unless they’ve planned a weekend away or something.

I would love to but she's made it clear she's not ready yet. When I saw her I asked if she would take my number and she said (very politely) that she doesn't need to as she keeps most of the contact about the kids with my mother in law. Of course that doesn't mean she can't take my number but in other words she was saying she doesn't want to speak to me yet.
She wasn't with my husband for 2-3 years before he married me and in those years she hardly spoke to him. I do still think now that she thought they'd eventually get back together as she cried and was upset as soon as she found out he was getting married. I do feel really bad for that but also feel like I am just trying my best to respect her and treat her daughter's the way I would treat them if they were my own - without stepping on any toes.

I think it would have been reasonable to take them back in the evening and have them the day before mother's day but judging from my husband's reaction and this thread , I just feel like I have been made to feel like the unreasonable "other woman" in this situation.

A lot of people are saying go ahead without the children but I know they'd be upset and feel left out as there will be a few other kids there if I had it who I can't tell not to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 09:34

MinBins · 25/02/2023 08:09

Could you do it in evening during the week after and share food, like an iftar dinner? I think with kids it might not be a big deal that they're there, so go ahead on that weekend it's a friend thing right? Best of luck either way!

Thank you. I considered that but I know people would want to eat and then pray and I wanted to have games and music and it just isn't the right month for things like that. It is a friend's thing but a few of them will have no choice but to bring kids and they also really made it clear they want to be a part of it. They even asked me to have a party. And I can't afford two events.

OP posts:
Nik84 · 25/02/2023 10:13

@Justanewmumtobe I think most of the responses were under the impression you wanted to have the baby shower on Mother’s Day, which would be unreasonable. But the day before is totally acceptable.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 25/02/2023 12:48

You can have 2 low key events that don't need to cost much. Have your friends over on the Saturday of mothers day weekend, little party at your house. Have a little private thing with the kids one evening beforehand.

Original poster
Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 13:21

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 25/02/2023 12:48

You can have 2 low key events that don't need to cost much. Have your friends over on the Saturday of mothers day weekend, little party at your house. Have a little private thing with the kids one evening beforehand.

Realistically the second event won't really be an event and they will know that they missed the "main" one. Not sure how to have two equally fun events when if one is with my friends and they will bring their kids who my stepdaughters will want to see, they're not going to come again for a second event during an evening. I wanted to just have one nice day where I can celebrate the end of my pregnancy, play some games, have everyone I want there and involve my stepdaughters and make them feel important. I didn't even want to or care to have any gifts etc but just seems like I'm asking too much and am now put off by it all.
Was just not meant to be I guess.

OP posts:
SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 25/02/2023 14:08

Justanewmumtobe · 25/02/2023 13:21

Realistically the second event won't really be an event and they will know that they missed the "main" one. Not sure how to have two equally fun events when if one is with my friends and they will bring their kids who my stepdaughters will want to see, they're not going to come again for a second event during an evening. I wanted to just have one nice day where I can celebrate the end of my pregnancy, play some games, have everyone I want there and involve my stepdaughters and make them feel important. I didn't even want to or care to have any gifts etc but just seems like I'm asking too much and am now put off by it all.
Was just not meant to be I guess.

Show quote history

Unless theres something huge I'm missing, you're ruining it for yourself because it isn't exactly what you want.

Are the kids close to your friends' kids? As in hang out together normally, message eachother etc? If not, they're really probably not all that fussed about missing them. Many parents say their kids will be gutted when they don't care. Your friends don't even need to bring the kids, you could just have fun with your friends.

The kids aren't going to know they missed the 'main event' unless you firstly make it a 'main' event and secondly tell them in such a way it appears that way. Why not have the kids event first, during the week, make a huge fuss about them and do a gender reveal and tell them they're the only ones that know so to keep it a secret for now? Let them feel included and important being the first to know. You don't need to broadcast the saturday event all over social media, show them photos or tell them how sad you are they missed the 'main event'. If they ask what you did say you had some friends over because you might not see them for a bit when baby arrives.

Lots of people do 'mini events' where they get together with each side of family or friends seperately, particularly if they live far apart. You're making a mountain where there doesn't need to be one.

EL8888 · 25/02/2023 15:36

Another vote for have it on the Saturday and then they go to Mum that evening. For Mother’s Day on the Sunday

Failing that stick to the Saturday. Then a smaller family one including your step children

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