Missed Miscarriage at 12+5 , How do i cope ? Any experience welcome

[WorzselMummage]

We had our scan today at 12+5 weeks to be told our baby had died a couple of weeks ago. i am completly shell shocked. I have to wait till Wednesday for a D&C and i wish i'd have been able to have to done today, i just want it over now.

Has anyone been though this ? how do you start thinking again ? I feel so fuckign stupid,i've told everyone i've been going on and on about being pregnant, wearing maternity clothes, takign really good care of myself so looking forward to having another baby and for what ? to have my heart broken.

This baby took almost 2 years to concieve i dont think i can go though all that again.

what do i do ? how the hell do you cope with it ?

So sorry. No advice but someone better will be along in a minute.

Worzsel, I am so, so sorry for you. I know how shit it is, having gone through pretty much the same thing last January. After we found out, I came home, texted my best friends the news and told them I didn't want to talk to anyone yet, while dp rang both sets of parents to tell them.

I, too, had been telling people I was pg so had to face all the mums at school, etc. I found the easiest thing was just to be honest. You have not been stupid telling people about something you were obviously really happy about. And no-one will think badly of you at all. It is not your fault, and you couldn't have done anything to change this sad outcome, so don't worry at all about others.

Just be honest. You don't have to go into detail.

As for the having to wait, again the same happened with me. It really sucks. I didn't feel like I could even begin to come to terms with it until after the ERPC. Deep down I kept hoping that they had made a mistake and that when I had the scan before the ERPC they would say "oh, look, baby is fine after all!". Obviously didn't happen

Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, even. If you need to shut yourself away do so. If you need to get on with a busy life then do so. be selfish at this sad time and do what you need.

I really hope things work out for you. xxx

I have been through exactly this, it's so crushing and disheartening.

I have to say I was a bit like you; shell shocked. I cried dreadfully the night in hospital before my D&C and then I didn't for a long time.

I think what kept me going was that clearly the baby wasn't 'well' in some way and my body was just saying 'not this one, let's move on'. I was slightly different to you in that I hadn't told anyone. However, after the missed miscarriage everyone knew of course because I was off work for weeks. My parents had to fly back from the other side of the world and they hadn't known and were devastated ('first' grandchild) etc.

How do you move on? Well the only way is to look to the future. As soon as I was well we got straight back to it. Within four months I was pregnant again. In fact thinking about it, the first time I cried/howled after the D&C was when I found out I was pregnant again. I guess because I was so afraid it would happen again. But it didn't and I have two DS to show for it.

So try not to dwell on what could have been and project yourself forward. Put the things to the side for your next baby.

I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks - it is terribly terribly sad and a horrible shock. I also had to wait for the D&C - during this time i spent alot of time crying and getting support from DH, friends, mumsnet. I also watched alot of dvds to try and distract myself.

Ofcourse you had been talking about the pregnancy, wearing the maternity clothes etc... you were excited about having another baby. That just makes you a good mum! I had done the same and at first felt so stupid for it - but I was actually glad that i had expressed to everyone how loved the baby was because it meant they understood how much support i needed.

Take time to grieve for your baby. Lots of people plant a tree or flowers or do something special to mark the death of the baby.

I hope this helps. I am really feeling for you.

thankyou for you kind messages its nice to know you can move on from this horrid thing. I just feels like a cruel and sick joke.. what a vile thing to do to someone

i agree with twotimes, i also experienced a missed m/c and only found out at 12 week scan. two months later i conceived my son and 5 weeks pregnant.i am still scared of m/c. once u have a m/c you never forget and can never stop panicking bout the worst. i fear having scan and going through it all over again.

worzselmummage am so sorry to hear about your loss. We too had a missed miscarriage and found out at the first scan. I also opted for a D&C instead of nature, I just wanted it all to be done with. i hadn't told anyone as it didn't feel right from the beginning but it made it no easier to tell everyone I had lost it.

You have to please remember none of this has been your fault and you have a very genuine reason to mourn the loss of this baby.

It is unfortunately nature's cruel way of saying something just isn't right but it took me a very long time to accept that.

You cope with it by being kind to each other and acknowledging that this IS a loss.

There is nothing that will make you feel instantly better and all the well meaning comments about trying again/not meant to be etc are only said from kindness and people not wishing to add to your upset.

Take as much time to grieve as you need. If I can explain what happened to me maybe you'll see why.

I had mc in Jan '02. Suffered from depression as a result but was beginning to pick myself up and move on when I fell pregnant again almost to the day in Oct. I truely believe it only happened when I was mentally ready to fall pg again.
was attended to by local EPU who were excellent and although was frightened to even fart throughout pg I had a healthy baby girl in the July '03. It is only now I realise that if I hadn't had m/c I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter - as heartbreaking as it was at the time it happened for a reason. I now have a 2nd dd born '06 and pg with 3rd child.

I'm only telling you this so you realise that there is hope and although it probably hurts to even breath at the moment the fact you've saught help and advice on here is a wonderful start. It may have taken a while to get pg this time but if nothing else it has proven that you CAN fall pg and once you've healed from this there is nothing stopping you doing it again

am sorry to go on but PLEASE take care of yourself through this

xxxxxxxx

Do you think, when they remove it they might be able to tell me if it was a boy or a girl ?

so sorry. i had a missed mc and they said i could have a d and c the next day but i couldn't cos i was getting married the next day! and we had told all the wedding guests too so we had to telephone everyone the night before and tell them about the mc and i had to wear three pairs of knickers under my very simple peasant style wedding dress. but everything was ok and everyone was really supportive. It was my 2nd mc and at 36 thought that i would never have children. spent my honeymoon in hospital on morphine, but guess what, My first child is due TODAY and i'm rocking on my birthing ball. the only thing you can do is keep thinking positively

It's hard, but you do get through it. You have to go through a grieving processs. It's strange, but you grieve what you won't ever have - the baby you were expecting, due at a certain date in the future. He/she will not now come into being, and you have to go through the process to get over that (numbness and shock, anger, sadness and depression, and finally acceptance).

It's a real cliché, but time heals. You will probably never forget, but time will help it become easier. Take as much time as you need.

I went through a mmc like you, and although the pg was a surprise as we weren't trying, it was two years before I felt really ready to try again (although I already have a ds (4)). You will almost certainly be ready soonner than that. For me, and despite my age (40), it has taken longer than I hoped, but for many, they are ready to try again almost straight away. A good friend of mine mced her first pg, but went on to become pg the month after. Her ds is now one.

Tkae careof yourself and don't beat yourself up about any of your feelings.

too early i think, developes into designated sex at 14 weeks

You just get through it day by day, hour by hour.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I had a D&C for missed miscarriage in December of last year.

they won't tell you at such an early stage and just in my opinion I think its maybe better not to know?

Thank you for your messages i really really appreciate them. Dfs being a bit quiet, i cant work out what he's feeling, he's not let on and he's usually quite open about emotions. maybe he's waiting till dds in bed.
i will come on later and check in, i'm going to have a glass of wine i think. Thanks for the support

Good Luck Cosima

I dont know if they will be able to tell if it is a boy or a girl - but you could ask? You can also ask about what is going to happen to the remains - i didnt and wished I had.

Oh and i had my mc in August and i am now 14 weeks pregnant. I still feel sad about the baby i lost and spent alot of time grieving, but i have been able to move on and you will too - but it will take time x

I am so sorry this has happened to you, I went through this too two years ago. It is terrible. At this stage you will still be physically shocked so don't try to look for all the answers, just look after yourself as well as you can and feel what you have to feel.

I went back to work 3 days after the ERPC and was broadly ok at work but a wreck at weekends for months. In fact until I got pregnant again 5 months later.

You are not stupid just unlucky. I remember being a bit nervous the night before my scan and reading some junk about how "missed" miscarriages were very rare. Sadly that's not true. I found it easier to talk about it to friends, even those who had not known I was pregnant. I figured it is so common it should be talked about, and if they ever went through it they might be more prepared.

Looking to the future is the only way. You know you can get pregnant and it's a fact that the vast majority of women who have one miscarriage go on to have a normal healthy pregnancy next time.

dizzy, maybe, i dunno really i think i'd quite like to know so i could greive for either a him or a her.

this will be my 3rd miscarriage unfortunatly

Hopefully it'll happen over the weekend.

anyway, i am off for a love with dd and a glass of merlot

thanks again

oohh 3rd is harsh am sorry. am just back from hosp and due to some complications am possible facing another one this time even though I'm 15+4 wks, am just trying to think positive about it all.

I didn't ask but that was probably because I had already convinced myself it was a boy - without any reasoning behind it - its a very personal thing I would imagine and am not sure if I would have but I understand why you would.

enjoy your dd and merlot
xxxxxxxx

Worselmummage- I had a mmc last year it is a terrible shock. It was my sixth miscarriage after having DD. I would suggest you asked to be referred for some investigations and if you can go to st. marys recurrent miscarriage clinic who are fab. I am now 21 weeks pregnant thanks to them. Do this if you want and when you feel strong enough. Do you work? if you do have time off. You will feel better I promise, it just takes time. i wish you the very best of luckxxx

Sorry for my assumptions on my post yesterday.

Just wanted you to know that people will be thinking of you today. It is a lovely sunny day but I'm not sure that will be helping. Hope the merlot helped to some extent and you are feeling a little calmer today.

Sending cyber hugs your way...

Know that you will be ok but for the moment, you will be engulfed by sadness - its to be expected.

From someone who spent 3.5yrs ttc #1 only to have suffered 2 m/c in 6 months - you will get by and time is a healer! I am living proof of it.

Luck after yourself x

Hiya worzel,
I havent anything to add, a great bunch of supportive people on this group dont you think ?
Time time and more time, or as my mum used to say " what will be will be".
You will move on and you will cope, your a strong lady having had the courage to write about it.
Take care x

Worzselmummage So sorry to hear about your loss and that you're having to go through this for the 3rd time. I also had a mmc in September 07 and like you I was in complete shock after the scan. We'd also told many people because we thought we'd got passed the "danger" period. How naive we were... I'd never even heard of a mmc until it happened to me. All mcs are awful but a mmc is particularly cruel.
I'm sure you've found what has already been said on this thread extremely helpful - all I can add is that if you need to talk to a group of ladies who have been through what you're going through then there is a great thread here
Look after yourself and thinking of you. xx